Should I contact her? — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Should I contact her?

Have been asking friends for advice about this...not really sure where to turn.

I joined a dating website a little over a year ago. I met a woman who I ended being very attracted to and genuinely liked. It ended up that she was only on there to get back at an ex boyfriend. She had recently moved back from a large city out of state (where she had been living with another guy) and messaged me first on this website.

We started constantly texting & talking a lot shortly after New Years 2012 and spending time together. On the last weekend of January, we did have unprotected sex. I did try to pull out but don't think I got the timing quite right. For some reason..we didn't really talk about it much thereafter. A few days later, she sends me a text saying she is going back out of state (large city very far away) to be with this guy again, and she is sorry if my feelings are hurt, but they plan to work things out and whatnot. Tells me to keep her number, she might come back again soon, that she feels bad but has to give him another chance. Told her I understood and wished her the best. I decided to give online dating a break and closed down my profile.

So, a few months later I decided to log into my facebook page (which I haven't used much since college years ago) and look her up out of curiosity. I realize we had 1 mutual friend and I could see some of her page.I also noticed she moved back here (smaller city) with that other guy recently...and she's obviously pregnant.

I tried to reconnect with her via text, never made any mention of this, just said hi and that I wondered how she was doing. No reply. About a month later, I decided to give this online dating thing another try, and after I do, I noticed she has visited my profile (it shows when someone does) only a few days after I made the page (with same username). I found this somewhat strange, why she wouldn't reply to my text but she would view me, and know I was aware of that. It was also slightly strange that she was still on the dating site at this point, although I always had the impression online dating was just an ego boost to her.

I waited a few days and I messaged her on the site instead of text..again, no reply. I didn't look her up, she knew how to find me there and she did. I told her I noticed she viewed me, and that we should talk again sometime, that it's been awhile. I think she had just wanted to compare pictures of myself to the other guy. The other guy and I look alot alike and could easily pass for at least first-cousins. Both of us are of Italian descent, she is Asian.

From that day on, I didn't say anything and just left it alone. She is still on the site to this day and I can see when she's online, and she can see when I'm online, and that is it.

Anyways, on her facebook page (which is somewhat public) the baby was born on November 7th.

I used some pregnancy calculators, most of the projections state the baby (a boy) would have been born sometime late October given that we had intercourse late January.

This is not far away from November 7th, the day the baby was actually born. I don't know how accurate these calculators are and each one seems to give a different answer (+/- a week or two).

She's still on the dating site, the town we're from isn't very big...I could easily say I heard she was back in town and has a child now, and I'd like to know if there's any chance the child is mine given the timeframe. Obviously, that would just be intrusive and I don't plan to do it, but it's been on my mind.

I know she has had to think of the possibility (unless the other guy underwent a paternity test) and I have the impression this may be why she didn't reply to when I messaged her, because it's something she did not want to address. It is much easier to have a child with someone she has a history with, rather than a month-long fling. From all the research I've done, a woman can have bleeding that resembles a period when pregnant (or an actual period the days leading to conception), and I've also read conception can take up to a week after intercourse.

It's because I pulled out (although I know wasn't exact) and the calculators basically have their projections (using intercourse date) at late October opposed to first week of November that I've thought the possibility is real but unlikely - although it's still there. Also, the way she just stopped all contact, but found my profile on the dating site makes me think she was drawing comparisons the other guy. It's really hard to tell because we look alike enough either could obviously be the father. I'm almost certain he has no clue of this (the same way she thinks I don't know about the baby).

The best advice I've gotten so far is that eventually if she starts to wonder, she'll find a way to contact me, whether it be via text, facebook, or the online dating site.

I have seen a few pictures, and it did make me wonder even more. I think she went into this avoidance mode because it's something she doesn't want to address, I really don't think she would have the other guy undergo a paternity test, that just raises too many suspicions on his end.

I know if I saw them in public (only 1 mall in this town) I think she would then address me privately because she'd then know that I'm aware of all this, and given the boy is a few months old she knows it would cross my mind, as I'm sure it's crossed hers.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Should I contact her?

  • I would leave it alone.  You've tried, she's not responded.  If she wanted to talk to you, and you figure she would if you were the father of her child, she would have made more of a move than look at your online profile.

    Besides, she could have delivered early and the due date was supposed to be late November, which would have put her back with the other guy.

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  • If it's your son, you have a parental right. She owes you a conversation. After all, she can always come after you for child support. If she won't respond, go to her siblings or parents. Stand up for yourself.
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  • First off, this girl sounds like trouble. I have a hunch I'm a bit older and wiser than you, but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to stay away from any notion of a relationship with this woman.

    You've tried to contact her twice and she hasn't responded. That's a pretty strong signal. I also guarantee she was banging that other guy right around the same time you hooked up with her. There are a lot of factors that suggest the kid isn't yours. I would put the odds well below 10% considering she hasn't contacted you, you kind of pulled out, and you only did it once. I would just assume the baby is his and leave it alone.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imageJTODrinky:
    If it's your son, you have a parental right. She owes you a conversation. After all, she can always come after you for child support. If she won't respond, go to her siblings or parents. Stand up for yourself.

    This depends on the state, actually. In some states if the mother doesn't name the father on the birth certificate, he may have to sue to get a paternity test, and that can take a lot of time and money and cause a lot of headaches and heartache. And in some states he'd basically just be suing for the right to pay child support and maybe get occasional visitation.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Your child is worth headaches and heartache.
  • A few things a man might not generally know or consider:

     1.She may have taken a Plan B pill after the unprotected sex. Any woman can buy them for around $25 at Target. They are available everywhere without a prescription.

     2.Due date calculators do not calculate from the date of coitus, unless you are using one that is for those specifically TTC. Most Due Date Calculators use the first day of the last period as the starting point of the pregnancy.

     3.The baby may really be his, and could have been born on-time or early. Did you consider that if she went back to an old flame they might have had sex right away, been very passionate and not used protection? Or even that she purposely got pregnant right away to ensure the survival of the relationship this time around?  

     4.How do you know you are fertile? Have you had any other children? 

    Just things to think about.

    Honestly, I think you are grasping at straws and looking for a way to insinuate yourself into this woman's life because you have strong feelings for her, healthy or not. She has moved on and does not want to be with you. Even if the baby were yours she would probably not want to be with you. I'm saying this based on what you said about her not contacting you or returning your attempt at contact.

    I am not going to give you legal advice or make any legal claims, since I'm not a lawyer. I would recommend that you be wary of anyone else here who does tell you what your rights are in this case. If you absolutely have to know, consult an attorney and then follow their advice on how to proceed, with the understanding that you could be hurting yourself and her+new family by creating a lot of emotional turmoil that might end up being a big waste of your time and money.

    I hope you give it a lot of serious thought and talk with people you respect like a pastor or an older relative before pursuing this further.

     

  • imageLuckyDad:

    imageJTODrinky:
    If it's your son, you have a parental right. She owes you a conversation. After all, she can always come after you for child support. If she won't respond, go to her siblings or parents. Stand up for yourself.

    This depends on the state, actually. In some states if the mother doesn't name the father on the birth certificate, he may have to sue to get a paternity test, and that can take a lot of time and money and cause a lot of headaches and heartache. And in some states he'd basically just be suing for the right to pay child support and maybe get occasional visitation.

    That is the case here in Wisconsin.  No name under dad on the BC, any possible dad has to sue to go through the procedure of confirming paternity and even begin to think about having any rights....excpet child support.

    image

  • walk away buddy. Just walk away.. Let her go.. Just dont bother... walk away..

     Cause what you described above fits the description of an old but famous country song down here in south florida...

    "Cause that smells like T-R-O-U-B-L-E". My grandfather once told me.. the hotter the fire, the more it burns... Once you get to the part where you cant feel anymore you are dead. 

  • If it were me, and I was uncertain who the babies dad was, I would want to know sooner rather than later.  I would be blunt with her and say "hey...what's going on here?"  Get a paternity test over and done with so all parties know and know where to go from there.

    If that child is yours, you have every right to have a relationship with the child.  You don't have to have a romantic relationship with her by any means, but that child deserves to know their biological father. 

    That's just my opinion.  You don't want to end up on Maury/Steve Wilkos in 18 years to deal with this.

    Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie First Birthday tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • imagepolooo26:

    Based on you having sex in late January that would put the baby being born in mid October. I found a calculater that did it based on conception and the date comes out to be mid October. So you are right. That means that baby would have been born in the 34th or 35th weeks. That would be premature. Here's an article I found stating the conditions of babies born premature. I think it's pretty good about describing what to expect. You can use this information to try to figure out if her baby experienced anything similar.

    https://preemies.about.com/od/preemieagesandstages/ss/PrematureBabiesWeekbyWeek_8.htm

    This is one of the many reasons I think the odds the child is his is quite slim. The fact she certainly had more sex with a different man in the same period, the fact the actual conception window is fairly narrow and they only had sex once... there's just a ton of evidence to suggest the child is not OPs. 

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • The timing is just too close either way.  If the child is yours you have a responsibility whether you want it or not.  Also, just because the kid could have been born at 34-35 weeks means nothing.  I'm sure she didn't give you a run down of any health issues she may have had and you weren't around to know if there were any complications during her pregnancy. 

    If it IS your child do you really want to miss out on the first years of his life?  Are you cool with knowing you may have a child out there?  If it is your son, his mom could easily come after you later for child support.  Like a PP said, if it were me I'd rather know sooner rather than later.  It sounds to me like SHE isn't sure of who the real father is and is passing the kid off as her current BF's.  That isn't fair to that little boy. 

    I hope I don't sound accusatory towards you.  I just wanted to point out some other things to think about.


  • "If the child is yours you have a responsibility whether you want it or not."

    I don't agree with this.  At the end of the day, if his name is not on the BC, and there has been no paternity testing done, he has no responsibility, legally.  Speculating one way or the other does not make him the biological father.

    My birthmother gave me up for adoption without even contacting my birthfather about it, and his name was on my original BC.  He had no say in it at all.

    If the mother is not acknowledging him, or pursuing him, as the father, he has no responsibility, legally.  And if he tries to be involved, without the courts, he risks exposing himself to whatever wrath she has planned for him, including a restraining order or accusations that can lead to him being in jail.

    This does not sound like a sweet, caring woman....far from it.

     

    image

  • I really hope we get a follow-up from OP on this one. I doubt we will. :(
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imageLuckyDad:
    I really hope we get a follow-up from OP on this one. I doubt we will. :(

    Probably not.  Sounds like a jacked up situation to be in, however.

    image

  • imagepolooo26:

    My guess is he read our comments. Realized he dodged a bullet and has been living it up every since.

     

     

    Let's hope...

    image

  • Hi, I forgot my password and had to make a new username.

    Anyways, like it's been pointed out, the timing is a bit off. From all the research I've done, if the baby had been born at least 2 weeks earlier then would most likely be mine.

    I understand pregnancy is not always an exact science, but it is rare for a pregnancy to go over 41 weeks because labor will usually be induced.

    Most likely, she had gotten her period in the timeframe after she slept with me but before she moved back in with the other guy. Considering it was only a 2 week timeframe, there's around 50% chance she did and there was never any confusion. There's still a chance she did not have her period.

    Although, it's probably assumed, while I really did like her, by this point I have moved on. It's only when I saw this all on facebook that I started putting the dates together and realized there was a chance the baby was mine. After reading into it further, I realize the chance is pretty slim, but still there nonetheless.

    For whatever reason (probably entertainment), she's still on the dating site, I still see when she's online and she sees when I'm online, but I haven't messaged her in months and don't plan to. Even if I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me was but was avoiding, it would look strange, because then she'd know I saw her facebook profile (although we aren't friends). Having a mutual friend sometimes allows you to see as much as if you were actually friends.

    I've come to the conclusion that she knows how to reach me. Because she viewed me (after I joined the site again) she knows when I was last online. The other guy either doesn't know or doesn't care, but I can't think of too many guys who would be ok with that. She also still has her facebook relationship status as "single", although her and the other guy live together. Usually, when someone wants to keep that private, it's not addressed at all.

    The only thing reason I contacted her again was because shortly after I joined the site the second time around she viewed my profile and we were based in different cities at the time (she had moved away) so there's no way I would have shown up on the "Meet me" feature which only shows people from your relative geographic location.

    This means she had looked me up for a reason. Maybe she was thinking about contacting me then last second decided not to, or was just her own curiosity thinking "maybe it's his". Everything is further complicated because the other guy and I look alike (same Mediterranean ethnicity), so you cannot tell by looking at all. That may have crossed her mind (this is all assuming she did not have her period in that 2 week timeframe).

    Anyways, I'm meeting new women at this point, she knows how to reach me.

     

     

     

     

     


     

     

     

  • imagepacifictime1:

    Anyways, I'm meeting new women at this point, she knows how to reach me.

     

    Thanks for updating! And yeah, glad you've decided not to stress about it.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • I like hearing about you meeting women more than I like hearing about THIS womanStick out tongue

    image

  • Don't get me wrong...a part of me still wonders a bit. Especially because I still see her online on the dating site.

    At the same time, there's no point in causing stress on her, especially considering given the dates the child is most likely not mine.

    As for the other women, it's just been a few dates here & there, nothing much. I'm considering a move to a bigger warm-weather city soon as well so I'm just working & saving up money.

     

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