How to tell my sister, who recently m/c?

feenstas · March 2013

We're visiting home in a week. My mother in law told me my sister in law recently miscarried, but it was a secret; my sister in law didn't want anyone to know. We'd like to announce our pregnancy when we go home to visit, since we live 14 hours away and likely will not be home again until Christmas. However, I'm not really sure how to do it because of my sister in law. We aren't supposed to know about her miscarriage, so telling her would seem like the right thing to do, but I don't want to rub it in her face either. Does that make sense? My husband says we should act as if nothing happened, but I don't know. Ideas? Anyone been through a similar experience?

PrimRoseMama · March 2013

If she doesn't know that you know (and its supposed to be a secret) then I would just announce as you would normally. Otherwise, it seems like you were gossiping behind her back about something that you weren't supposed to know, does that make sense? It would be a different story if she told you about the mc in confidence. Then I would suggest telling her by email to give her time to process the information.

However, since you aren't supposed to know about the mc then the only polite thing is to act like you don't know. She may have to excuse herself for a bit during the gathering, but its nothing to do with how happy she is for you.

inthelost · March 2013

I think I have to agree: if you're not supposed to know about the miscarriage then you can't act like you know. If you let on that you do know or might know, that will create its own problems in itself.

csspencer · March 2013

I was vocal about my losses, so I would have appreciated being told separately before making a general announcement to the family. However, if she is keeping it a secret, and you weren't supposed to know, than announce it however you were originally planning.

katiebenes · March 2013

If you aren't supposed to know, act no differently. Its not your fault the MIL told such a big secret, but its best to keep it a secret that you know...

cinesarah · March 2013

I wasn't very private about my loss, but when someone who'd heard through the grapevine before I had a chance to tell her myself pretended not to know, I found it very awkward. I would have much preferred it if she'd told me she knew...

When I found out about a colleague's pregnancy, it was a very difficult moment. I didn't hear it from her in person and I was very glad to have some time to have a private cry and to get myself together before congratulating her.

I'd go with an email before announcing it. I'd appreciate the honesty and sensitivity, even if you weren't supposed to know.

rachelb823 · March 2013

I totally don't mean this rude, but you need to do what you need to do and *don't worry* (even though you will) about how she would take it. My SIL was TTC for the last 5 years while we had 2 kids and it was always the hardest to tell them, especially in a family setting where MIL wants to be happy and feels bad for them. We felt terrible for them, but no one can change that. From the other perspective, yes it does hurt to find out people are pregnant when you just miscarried (I had that happen to me in November), but you get through it and it is what it is. If she tells you, you can be supportive and get through it together.

There is just no easy way to do it, but my SIL even told me one time that she wants people to tell them and not hold secrets because of their pain. (She now has twins!)

feenstas · March 2013

Thank you, ladies!

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