WWYD-- Non-Open ID vs Open ID sperm

healz413 · March 2013

Please forgive my second thread on the same general topic, but we need to choose a new donor this weekend so that we can get our clinic to order first thing on Monday (well first thing after we call the sperm bank to make sure they have enough vials).

I would love to get your thoughts on the following matter. Basically the question is--what would you do if the donor you really want is not Open ID and you really want an Open ID donor?

Here are the details:

Manada's family is Native, so we really want a donor with at least some "Native American" (since there are no available donors who fit in Canada) heritage. And within that, we want dark hair and dark or hazel eyes since M's mom and siblings and aunt/uncles are all dark hair/dark eyes and half of my family is.

There are very few donors with some Native American heritage and even fewer who also have dark hair and eyes. One of them was our guy who just sold out.

In our searching today, we found a new guy who sounds really great. He has Native American heritage. His pictures looks like he could be someone from my family or from M's family as it mixed with mine. His description and essay are great; we'd be thrilled to tell our kids why we chose that donor to help make them. We got really excited about him (in a way that we were not about any of the other potential options). Then I realized that he was not Open ID (meaning he did not agree to be contacted after 18 by any children resulting from his sperm). Open ID was previously a must-have for us and I would never have looked at his profile if I'd realized that he wasn't Open ID before I looked at it. But now we're excited about this guy, and we're not excited about the others in the same way. And we are both reconsidering whether Open ID really is a must-have for us.

We would love your thoughts on the matter. For those of you using unknown donor sperm, how did you make the choice between Open ID and not? (I think I remember seeing something about this before, so I apologize if this is too repetitive. I will go find and re-read that thread.) Will we regret it if we chose to forgo the Open ID? Will our kids hate us for this more than they would hate us for choosing a "boring" donor (by which I mean someone we chose based purely on physical characteristics, not because he sounded like someone we'd like to meet and have help us make a baby)? Should we be in love with our sperm donor's profile? Is it okay to be so-so about a donor because as soon as we're pregnant we'll forget about it?

Anything you have to add would be really appreciated.

Manada · March 2013

Nothing really to add except that when H. texted me about this donor while I was at work today I gasp when I saw the pics and was like "He's PERFECT" when I read the profile... the non-open ID thing is the only issue....

2moms2b · March 2013

Our donor is non open ID. This to us was not a big issue but it wasn't a big issue for a couple of reasons.

1. We have several strong males in our life and by strong I mean that share our values, beliefs, morals etc. We feel these will be the best male influence in our boys lives so we didn't find it necessary to have someone who was willing to be met. I am an honest believer that our boys will have enough strong male influence that not being able to meet the other half of their DNA (as that is all the donor is) isn't that big of a deal.

2. We are probably in the minority on this one but to us it was weird to have the option of the boys contacting some stranger (who on paper looks amazing) when they turn 18. It's literally in my book like saying yea let the family do all the work raising the child and once there is no financial or legal responsibility sure I would love to meet them.

I completely understand the concept and why some people actually like the option and like being able to let their kids decide. I fully plan on sharing what information we have about our donor (the pics we paid for, the voice recording etc) with our boys but that is as far as we wanted it to go. We also plan on being open with our boys when they start asking questions about how they were created but didn't feel it was necessary to actually have someone they could meet later.

I think it's a very personal decision but it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for us. Some people have even told us we are wrong for making that decision for our boys but we are happy and confident in our decision.

My only concern was for medical reasons (an ID option donor keeps better records for how they can be reached with the bank) but our bank requires all donors, ID option or not, to keep their contact information updated. It is also their policy that in the event of a major medical issue where further information beyond what they provided us is needed, for them to work as a intermediary between us and the donor to try and obtain the information we need or if the donor is willing to put us directly in contact with them. That was enough for me and I can't see us really needing much beyond what they already provided as it is so detailed. So you might ask the bank about this if you decide to go with this donor.

Best of luck and I hope you are able to find a donor you are just as in love with!

mollykelley · March 2013

Just wanted to say I know what it is like to fall in love with a donor and feel like he is the ONE. Kind of like how I feel about my wife. It is strange but I'm totally in love with our donor profile. I would listen to yourselves and what feels right for you. This is a difficult decision and totally personal, it is hard to know for sure what is the right way to go. I probably would go with my current donor if he were non Id because he is a perfect match for us.

havingaleo · March 2013

Hey ladies,
That's rough, and we were in a somewhat similar situation. But we ended up letting go of the open ID criterion even though it seemed really important to us at first when we discovered our perfect donor, and he was not open ID. They give so much info in the profile and as this is the Internet age and those 20 something sperm donors will probably change their minds and get curious at some point anyway, we are pretty confident our kid will be able to track down bio dad when he's 18 anyway. So we changed our minds and also appreciated saving 100200 per vial. I feel like there were very few desirable donors out of the hundreds in the bank, and, when push came to shove, it was more important to us to get the guy we wanted than the promise of future identity release.

Good luck and hope you find the perfect donor and that he is identity release.

PS we also ran out of first two donors and want sibs so we ended up buying 6 vials just to be safe even though we were broke for awhile afterwards.

2MamazInSeattle · March 2013

Hi!

First - this is a totally personal decision so I don't want to imply others who did it differently are wrong. I tend to have 'justice issues' so just know that....

For us, there was no option of using a donor who was not Open ID. I never even searched in a way that they would come up. While we have excellent men in our life and know our son will have role-models, trusted adults,etc. there is no substitute for biology, and I don't think I could look my kid in the eye and say "well, we could've picked someone you'd have been able to find, but we didn't...sorry." If they want (or feel they 'need') to know, we wanted that option.

This for me is huge for 2 reasons. First, if it was me, I'd want to know. I'm an exceedingly curious person - if I had a donor, at 18 I'd have been on the hunt, no matter that I had a good family raise me. I'd feel a sense of injustice if I *could* have known but my parents made it so I couldn't.

Second - on a similar note - I have a very close friend who is adopted. He had an amazing family and upbringing! When he went to find his birth mom, she outright rejected him, but he did find his 1/2 brother who he looked like, had the same (obscure) hobbies as, personality - etc. This is different, I know - but watching him go through this, and seeing him feel more at peace with himself has been amazing to me. I realize using a donor isn't like being put up for adoption at all - but there still may be/could be a part of our son who will not be at peace unless he can look his donors (we used egg and sperm) in the eyes. And I just didn't want to deny him that opportunity since it was an option.

Now, that all said (sorry, I obviously feel strongly on this one) - we used an egg donor which gave us a very small pool to choose from, took a long time and was complicated; once we had her and she confirmed she was willing to be ID'd, choosing our sperm donor seemed so easy, having thousands to pick from. And we were looking for someone we thought we'd really like as a person - we didn't aim for someone who looked like us or had our exact background. We went more on vibe, education, his writings/interview, etc. than ethnicity, etc.

I think in the end, it's all what's most important to you! I think 2moms made some excellent points on why Open ID was not critical for them; and it sounds like the ethnic mix you have found is ideal and hard to find - so that may be what tips the scales.

Either way, there are consequences to both sides of this and all you can do is prepare and trust that whatever you decide will be fine. You will love and cherish your child regardless, and either path you will help them through either not being able to find out, or being able to find out - neither of which will be easy unless you get a kid who just isn't interested! (Which I'm sure will be me. I'll want to meet his donors more than he does...just wait.... )

Keep us posted!

JoySeattle · March 2013

This is really tough and I feel for you right now.

For us, we found the *perfect* donor (far better than we hoped we'd find) and he was also WTBK. That was over four years ago and during that time I have been even more convinced (through research, reading, the DSR listserve, etc) that WTBK is the right path for us. I completely respect families who choose a completely anonymous/non-WTBK donor, but the research and stories from donor conceived people is pretty clear that they would have preferred WTBK.

I know that there are many decisions we make as we create and raise children that we must just do what we think is best and move forward. For me, this also includes concerns about what I would regret more and if there's something irrevocable that I'm deciding for my children there's a higher level of scrutiny required. (Totally different subject, but along the same lines this is how I felt with the circ decision).

Not to throw another wrench in your process (especially with a tight timeline), but for me I like to know I've looked at every option before making a decision. So while you didn't mention this, have you looked at other banks? (A quick search for WTBK Native American, American Indian or Alaska Native donors shows that CCB has 6 NW Cyro has 3, PRS has 5, SBC has 4, Xytec has 7).

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for your family, whether it's this amazing anonymous donor or another WTBK donor. Only you two can decide what is ultimately most important. Best wishes!

leapgirl8 · March 2013

We chose an open donor because as long as open donors are available, I didn't feel like it was my right to make that decision for my children. It's up to them.

We also fell in love with a donor before we realized he was CMV+, and we needed someone CMV-. It sucked to make the change, but now that I have 10-month-old twins I can't even remember what we liked about the other guy. Your love may be strong, but it's also probably fleeting

valeriegp · March 2013

It would be a deal breaker for us. As a PP mentioned, we didn't feel like we should take that option away from our (now 10 weeks old) son before he was even conceived, especially since the decision is irreversible.

healz413 · March 2013

Hi Everyone, just want to say thanks for all the really helpful input. It has been really helpful in helping us think through things. We are still considering our options and it is good to hear what you all have weighed in your decision making. We are hoping that the Canadian importers of Xytex sperm will have some vials of our sold out donor in stock but we won't know that until tomorrow morning. Then we will have to make a quick decision so we can get sperm shipped in time for our IUI anticipated for the end of the week.

IUIBaby · March 2013

We did non-open ID since we thought it would be easier that way. It's just a personal preference. I'm sorry that the donor didn't turn out to be a perfect match for you guys.

lilweb2013 · March 2013

2MamazInSeattle:
Second - on a similar note - I have a very close friend who is adopted. He had an amazing family and upbringing! When he went to find his birth mom, she outright rejected him, but he did find his 1/2 brother who he looked like, had the same (obscure) hobbies as, personality - etc. This is different, I know - but watching him go through this, and seeing him feel more at peace with himself has been amazing to me. I realize using a donor isn't like being put up for adoption at all - but there still may be/could be a part of our son who will not be at peace unless he can look his donors (we used egg and sperm) in the eyes. And I just didn't want to deny him that opportunity since it was an option.

I appreciate your insight. I am an adoptee and took exactly what you wrote into consideration when my wife and I were searching for a donor. While we do have a choice regarding open/anon donors, we should be mindful of how our children may feel and consider both options carefully.

2brides · March 2013

We used non-open ID because it wasn't available at the bank we used (Fairfax) when we started TTC 9y ago. Fast forward to now, and I do wish we had an open ID donor. I just wish the boys had the opportunity to meet their donor if they so chose.

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