Maternity Pix and SS

risadawn · February 2013

Hi all!

I don't post much, but I have a question for you all. I am 28 weeks preg with my first baby. I want to get maternity pix, however, I am looking at our schedule for March and April..... Between the Spring Break schedule (which DH and BM are still trying to work out), DH and I being in an Easter performance, the custody schedule, DH's work schedule.... *sigh* there aren't a lot of options on when to do this. And I don't even know the photog's schedule yet.

We really try to include SS6 in as much as we can. He's part of our family (duh). At the same time there might be the possibility that he might not be a part of the pix because we might not be able to schedule it when he's with us.

There's also a part of me that would like this to be about me, DH and OUR baby - MY first baby. There are things I feel like I was robbed of with this blended life and I'm trying to keep as many things as I can.

So,

1) Would it be so bad if it was just DH and I?

2) Have any of you ever included any of your other kids in maternity pix, whether they be step or bio or "ours"?

Ginlyn0 · February 2013

I did maternity pics for DS. None of our other kids were in the pics. DH was only in like 2 poses. I do have a pic with me with all the kids when I was pregnant because we did our Christmas family pics when I was 5 months along but that was because we did a pic with me and all the kids and another shot with DH and all the kids not because I was pregnant per say...

emikat · February 2013

I would not include my SS in maternity pics. In fact, if I did them I always envisioned most of them to just be myself.

BluepointToasted · February 2013

My SS was in my maternity pics. It was a wonderful family time, and I think the pic of me and SS together is one of DH's favorites. I think it can be hard for stepchildren when a parent has a baby with a new spouse, it is easy for them to feel like they are not a part of the family. I would make an attempt to make it work.

SimpleJane · February 2013

I'm in the 'make it work' camp. Kids often feel afraid of being left out of the new family during this time. I think at least do one picture of the three of you. It will make him feel included.

karatechrissy · February 2013

I did maternity pics with my first. It was me, DH and SS. They were mostly just me, then some with me and DH, and a few of me and SS and a few of all 3 of us as a family. My photographer really captured everything. I'm so thankful to have all of us in them when I look at them on our walls. I don't think it's terrible you feel like you just want them you and your H, you are entitled to your feelings, but do you think if SS was your bio child you would feel the same way?

The way you said that this blended family robbed you of things, I really think you need to take a step back and realize, YOU CHOSE THIS. No one held a gun to your head and said you had to do this. Sure, you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you walk down the aisle and pro-create with. It sounds like you already have a lot of resentment built up over your SS and this inconvenience of a blended family... and you should probably address those feelings before he notices. Hopefully he hasn't yet...

Good luck with what ever you choose.

FWIW, if I had done mat pics with my second (I didn't do them because I was incredibly self conscious about my weight the second time. I got pg again when DD was only 3 months old), I would have done them alone by myself. That was my plan in the beginning when I did DD's mat pics. I think this is one of those things you an do what you want and no one should make you feel bad about your decision kind of things.

risadawn · February 2013

karatechrissy:
The way you said that this blended family robbed you of things, I really think you need to take a step back and realize, YOU CHOSE THIS. No one held a gun to your head and said you had to do this. Sure, you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you walk down the aisle and pro-create with. It sounds like you already have a lot of resentment built up over your SS and this inconvenience of a blended family... and you should probably address those feelings before he notices. Hopefully he hasn't yet...

You're right - I did chose this, but do NOT judge me. You know nothing more about me and my situation than what I've posted. You know nothing of what I DO on a daily basis for my husband, my bonus kid and our family and what I have to fight for. You don't even have a glimpse of my life.

So sue me if I would really like to have my first child have his own nursery, if I would like to celebrate my first child with my DH. BM hasn't exactly made it easy for me to BE a part of SS's life. There are many things that I/we battle with her and I've had to fight every step of the way for my presence in SS's life. This is one thing that I don't have to battle with her with and I am incredibly grateful for that. Excuse me for being excited to have a child I don't need to fight for my presence in his life.

For your information, yesterday someone commented to me how SS seems to adore me, so I think I'm doing pretty damn good, thank you very much.

risadawn · February 2013

Thank you for the comments. Part of it is I just don't know if scheduling wise it's even going to work out for SS to be there. He also hates having his picture taken so part of me wonders if he'll even co-operate (TY, BM). If he is there and he doesn't co-operate at least we made the effort but it was his choice to not be a part of it.

I do plan on having family pictures done after the baby gets here with all of us. Just not sure when I should plan that. Maybe when the baby can at least hold his head up? IDK.

SimpleJane · February 2013

risadawn:
karatechrissy:
The way you said that this blended family robbed you of things, I really think you need to take a step back and realize, YOU CHOSE THIS. No one held a gun to your head and said you had to do this. Sure, you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you walk down the aisle and pro-create with. It sounds like you already have a lot of resentment built up over your SS and this inconvenience of a blended family... and you should probably address those feelings before he notices. Hopefully he hasn't yet... 

You're right - I did chose this, but do NOT judge me.  You know nothing more about me and my situation than what I've posted. You know nothing of what I DO on a daily basis for my husband, my bonus kid and our family and what I have to fight for.  You don't even have a glimpse of my life. 

So sue me if I would really like to have my first child have his own nursery, if I would like to celebrate my first child with my DH.  BM hasn't exactly made it easy for me to BE a part of SS's life.  There are many things that I/we battle with her and I've had to fight every step of the way for my presence in SS's life. This is one thing that I don't have to battle with her with and I am incredibly grateful for that.  Excuse me for being excited to have a child I don't need to fight for my presence in his life. 

For your information, yesterday someone commented to me how SS seems to adore me, so I think I'm doing pretty damn good, thank you very much.

Wow. Defensive much?

risadawn · February 2013

Yes. Pardon me for getting defensive when perfect strangers decide to judge me from a short post.

nattyncbride · February 2013

I read karatechrissy's post to say she HOPES that your SS doesn't feel the resentment. I think we all hope that, including you. You insist he doesn't and that's great, so please calm down, we are all on the same side.

I can't sympathize with what you are going through, as I am 1) dating, not married to a man with a child 2) had a child of my own before entering this relationship (so I got to experience having my son in an intact family), but I do know that may parts of this 'blended family' experience have been much harder than I initially thought, and it has brought out feelings and reactions that do not come from the most mature part of me. I am sure having your 1st with a man who has already gone through this is hard (and the number of posts on this topic attest to that).

As for the simple matter of the pics - as everyone (including karatechrissy) said - do as you please. When the baby is born, I'm sure you'll include your SS in family pics, and that is what will matter the most.

Try to enjoy this time, and know this board is very honest and helpful if you can take a deep breath and read what everyone has written. Good luck!

SimpleJane · February 2013

risadawn:
Yes. Pardon me for getting defensive when perfect strangers decide to judge me from a short post.nbsp;

She wasn't judging from what I read. She was taking what YOU wrote and giving you advice.

CurlyQ284 · February 2013

risadawn:
Yes. Pardon me for getting defensive when perfect strangers decide to judge me from a short post.nbsp;

Well you came on here to get opinions from perfect strangers, so...

You'll have to toughen up if you plan to use message boards anywhere, not just this one.

FutureMrsWittig · February 2013

karatechrissy:

The way you said that this blended family robbed you of things, I really think you need to take a step back and realize, YOU CHOSE THIS. No one held a gun to your head and said you had to do this. Sure, you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you walk down the aisle and pro-create with. It sounds like you already have a lot of resentment built up over your SS and this inconvenience of a blended family... and you should probably address those feelings before he notices. Hopefully he hasn't yet...

Good luck with what ever you choose.

OP, I really think you misinterpreted the tone here. This was meant to be helpful advice.

But I also take issue with the bolded. Because, yes we chose to marry into these families and as such went "armed into the fight". But just because you "know what you're getting into" doesn't mean you won't find yourself constantly blind-sided by issues you had never even imagined. I chose to marry into a blended family, but did I know what I was getting into exactly? No not really. Did I realize how low the general opinions of a step-parent are until I was one? Nope.

I understand your feelings, OP. But I think that some counseling or some soul searching for some perspective is definitely in order. If you allow resentment to fester it doesn't go away, it only grows.

HisChamaoleGirl · February 2013

Will be taking maternity photos and I envisioned them mostly being baby and me. SS will be with us this summer and seeing as we haven't had professional family photos taken in three years we will do so. I do know that some of the poses I want I won't want SS to be in.

karatechrissy · February 2013

Wow, I think you took my reply a little too far. I was not judging you. In fact, I told you your feelings were valid. I told you myself that with my second I wanted just me pictures, and that I think maternity pics are one of the few things in life us ladies should be allowed to be selfish in, and decide what we want and no one judge us. IM ON YOUR SIDE HERE!

I merely pointed out that the tone and direct quote of BF life has 'robbed' you of things, showed signs of resentment already, and you are only at the tip of the iceberg here. You took a small portion of my entire response to you and COMPLETELY blew it out of proportion, and ignored where I said 'you should be allowed this decision without judgement of others'. The fact that you took my advice to you so hard, sort of confirms my suspicions in the first place. I touched a nerve. I think you really should get into some counseling to figure out your feelings.

I don't know anything of you other than what you wrote. You are totally right. But I'm an 'outside perspective'. Sometimes you need that to see the big picture. This isn't about pictures for you. This is much bigger.

emme022 · February 2013

This may sound like kind of a strange way to think of it but here is how I would look at it. After you have this baby let's say you were pregnant again and wanted to do maternity pics again. Would you want your first bio child to be in some of those maternity pics or would you want it to just be you and your husband again. If you would want it to just be you and ur husband the second time around then I would say do it just you guys this time. However if you think you would want your child to be in some of the pics if you were pregnant again then I would say you should include your SS this time. I wouldn't want the pics to be displayed and have your SS someday wondering why it was important to have the other children in the pics the second time around but not him the first time. This could lead to hm feeling "less than" the bio child etc. That is just my opinion though, in the end it is really ur choice.

KTdidit · February 2013

emcmac87:
This may sound like kind of a strange way to think of it but here is how I would look at it. After you have this baby let's say you were pregnant again and wanted to do maternity pics again. Would you want your first bio child to be in some of those maternity pics or would you want it to just be you and your husband again. If you would want it to just be you and ur husband the second time around then I would say do it just you guys this time. However if you think you would want your child to be in some of the pics if you were pregnant again then I would say you should include your SS this time. I wouldn't want the pics to be displayed and have your SS someday wondering why it was important to have the other children in the pics the second time around but not him the first time. This could lead to hm feeling "less than" the bio child etc. That is just my opinion though, in the end it is really ur choice.

I think this is a great way to think about it and I agree 100%. I also agree with Krissy in regards to the way you phrased "feeling robbed" of experiences. It comes off sounding like you are very resentful of the family situation you entered into. I say take pictures with every possible family combination. Think of it from your DH's point of view, a pic of you pregnant with his child along with his DS....I bet that would mean the world to him.

dmndsr4eva · February 2013

I think you should include your SS. I was in your shoes albeit with two teenage SD's who never wanted to come visit. So for similar reasons I took some newborn photos of my son without them and it did not end well. Their dad ended up leaving me eventually and basically stated that I didn't care about his kids. And in fact cited those pictures as proof of it. Lesson learned is ALWAYS include the stepkids in any event such as family pictures. The things the SK's consider small slights will add up over the years.

Karma1969 · February 2013

Can you do 2 sets? Get the ones you planed on with the photographer and then go to a quick place for a photo shot like Sears or Portrait Innovations and get one of all of you. They schedule all day long and it takes a hour or less do it should be easy to fit in.

Sigir · February 2013

karatechrissy:

I merely pointed out that the tone and direct quote of BF life has 'robbed' you of things, showed signs of resentment already, and you are only at the tip of the iceberg here. You took a small portion of my entire response to you and COMPLETELY blew it out of proportion, and ignored where I said 'you should be allowed this decision without judgement of others'. The fact that you took my advice to you so hard, sort of confirms my suspicions in the first place. I touched a nerve. I think you really should get into some counseling to figure out your feelings.

Ita. Karatechrissy hit the nail on the head and your reaction only confirmed it. Op I hope you get your resentments worked out and stop playing the victim before lo gets here. Trust us its only going to get harder!

Good luck.

michelleonthecoast · February 2013

I guess I always thought of maternity pics as mainly focused on the pregnant mom.

I'm planning on having maternity pics done with just me & DH. The pics will focus on me & my pregnancy with DH included as well. I don't plan on having my 3 bio kids in them, or my SKs. I want the pics to focus on me & DH.

After the baby is born I'm hoping to get family pics of everyone, and of course I wouldn't dream of something like that w/out involving all kids.

There's nothing wrong with having some moments/events just for you & DH. Don't feel guilty about stuff like that. As long as you also have moments/events including the kid(s). Our kids are older (range 10-19) and we stay busy keeping up with them and all of their activities, so DH and I relish in any moments we can savor as a couple since our world revolves around kids the rest of the time.

twister22 · February 2013

Krissy definitely hit a nerve & she definitely didn't judge you.

When I had maternity pics while pregnant with DD, I also included DS. Of course, DS is my bio. I did some on just me, some of me & DH, and lots of the family. I want to make sure DS knows this is his family and that he fits right in. I wouldn't imagine not including him. Could you take SS for the shoot and include him in some picture and have him bring a handheld game to play on while you're taking the pics of just you & you and DH?

Dixon813 · March 2013

chattychiqa:
I have 3 of my own from a previous marriage and wouldn't consider having them in maternity pics. It's about the pregnancy and the parents. There will be plenty of opportunity for family pics when your baby is born anyway!

I love this!!! I don't know if we're going to do maternity pics or not, but SS won't be in them if we are. Just like SS won't be announcing to family and friends .. DH and I will because they will be OUR babies. SS will most definitely be in pics after birth!

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