Any other SAHMs feel this way?

crystalknpp · March 2013

DH and I have decided that I will not be returning to work until our LO or LOs are all in school. I'm so incredibly grateful to be able to have this opportunity to stay home and raise our son but at the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilty that DH has to go to work everyday and doesn't get as much time with B and I also feel guilty that the financial responsibility is all on him. I keep feeling like I should be looking for a job. I don't know how to just relax and enjoy being home with DS and stop feeling like I'm not doing enough. Family and friends are no help because I'm pretty much the only one who is a SAHM and they all think I just "play" with the baby all day while DH works so hard.

Is this feeling normal? How did you adjust to being home instead of working full time? DH is very supportive and comfortable with our decision and I just wish I could be as well and not worry so much about what everyone else thinks.

mork · March 2013

I definitely went through that phase, and still feel that way occassionally. I'm now at the end of another phase where I wish I had a job because 1. I miss working, 2. it would give me a break from DD, and 3. I would appreciate my time with DD more due to that break.

I also joined a meetup group and it does help some, giving me a reason to get ready for the day, get out, feel like I've accomplished something besides taking care of baby, and providing adult interaction for myself.

ksyknelvr73 · March 2013

I'm not a SAHM but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for being one - it's not like you just hang out all day doing only fun things and being lazy and watching TV the whole time. Being a SAHM is hard work, especially when the kids are so little. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a decision that you both came to and believe me, you'll be doing LOTS of work, unfortunately just don't have a paycheck coming with it.

crystalknpp · March 2013

ksyknelvr73:
I'm not a SAHM but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for being one - it's not like you just hang out all day doing only fun things and being lazy and watching TV the whole time. Being a SAHM is hard work, especially when the kids are so little. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a decision that you both came to and believe me, you'll be doing LOTS of work, unfortunately just don't have a paycheck coming with it.

Thank you very much for saying this! I wish more people felt that way and understood that being a SAHM doesn't consist of lounging in front of the TV all day.

crystalknpp · March 2013

RachelA and Mork thank you girls for the advice. I've recently reached out to a few local moms that I know from HS who recently had LO's and we're going to start getting together for play dates etc. I really think getting out of the house will help. It being winter, cold, and dreary here hasn't really helped. ( I know my siggy says we live in FL but DH and I actually live in NJ now). I'm so ready for spring!

martinimomma · March 2013

ksyknelvr73:
I'm not a SAHM but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for being one - it's not like you just hang out all day doing only fun things and being lazy and watching TV the whole time. Being a SAHM is hard work, especially when the kids are so little. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a decision that you both came to and believe me, you'll be doing LOTS of work, unfortunately just don't have a paycheck coming with it.

OMG this. I use different parts of my brain at work, but its when I'm at home with DS that I am physically exhausted at the end of the day!

ksyknelvr73 · March 2013

crystalknpp:

ksyknelvr73:
I'm not a SAHM but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for being one - it's not like you just hang out all day doing only fun things and being lazy and watching TV the whole time. Being a SAHM is hard work, especially when the kids are so little. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a decision that you both came to and believe me, you'll be doing LOTS of work, unfortunately just don't have a paycheck coming with it.

Thank you very much for saying this! I wish more people felt that way and understood that being a SAHM doesn't consist of lounging in front of the TV all day.

I got all the taste of being a SAHM I needed when I was on maternity leave...and I am not cut out for it. It is definitely a job although it doesn't get the kudos it deserves usually. : )

MrsRiceARoni · March 2013

It does get easier! I had a hard time with feeling like I wasn't doing anything, especially since I stopped working shortly before we lost Noah so there were those two years before Annabelle was born when I felt like a leach. I try to remind myself of how little take home there would be if I was working and we were paying for childcare (at least if we got one that was good enough that I could trust them with my lo and we'd probably be losing money on childcare once we have a second lo) and I try to make up the difference by finding ways to save money. Trying to be better about planning meals so we don't end up going out all of the time or doing things like BFing and CDing which all save us money help me feel less guilty about not contributing financially.

The one thing I still struggle with is shopping, I'm not a bigger shopper by any stretch of the imagination but it is weird feeling like I have to ask if I can get something. Not that my husband would tell me no if it's something we can afford but he handles the bills and such so he generally has a better idea of what expenses are coming up and how much extra we have at any given time. It makes me feel a bit like a kid asking her parents for something but it's not as bad as it was at first.

luvmyducks · March 2013

How long ago did you decide this? DH and I knew I would SAH pretty much before we even got married, so I had a long time to get used to the idea. I remember when I resigned from my job at the end of my maternity leave that I had a major melt down. I just freaked bc I have been such an independent person my whole life. But I know it is the right decision for us. Not to mention daycare would have taken the majority of my income and then you don't always know what is going on with your kid. I did start my own photography business, but I don't make much money doing it--and the money I do make I use to invest in better equipment, so that makes me feel better instead of using our other money to fund my hobby

There are times where I feel like this is a thankless job and it makes me feel like I'm not contributing, but I just give myself a little pep talk. It's a super hard job and it's not for everyone. And we get hardly any credit for all the hard work we do.

crystalknpp · March 2013

luvmyducks:
How long ago did you decide this? DH and I knew I would SAH pretty much before we even got married, so I had a long time to get used to the idea. I remember when I resigned from my job at the end of my maternity leave that I had a major melt down. I just freaked bc I have been such an independent person my whole life. But I know it is the right decision for us. Not to mention daycare would have taken the majority of my income and then you don't always know what is going on with your kid. I did start my own photography business, but I don't make much money doing it--and the money I do make I use to invest in better equipment, so that makes me feel better instead of using our other money to fund my hobby There are times where I feel like this is a thankless job and it makes me feel like I'm not contributing, but I just give myself a little pep talk. It's a super hard job and it's not for everyone. And we get hardly any credit for all the hard work we do.

We just recently decided this. It's a long story but the short version is that I got let go from my job right before I was supposed to return from maternity leave in November so I've been home with DS since he's been born. Originally DH and I decided that I would stay home until DS was 6m old and then I would go back to work and my mom or MIL would watch him. Now that the time has come and we've been handling things just fine financially without me working DH and I talked about it and decided I would just continue to be a SAHM, I think what bothers me is the fact that I do alot during the day and you're right no one gives you any credit for it. Family members have literally said "I don't know why you're so tired. You just have to hang out at home and play with the baby all day." I feel like because I don't get an actual paycheck no one takes what I do everyday seriously besides DH.

ksyknelvr73 · March 2013

crystalknpp:

luvmyducks:
How long ago did you decide this? DH and I knew I would SAH pretty much before we even got married, so I had a long time to get used to the idea. I remember when I resigned from my job at the end of my maternity leave that I had a major melt down. I just freaked bc I have been such an independent person my whole life. But I know it is the right decision for us. Not to mention daycare would have taken the majority of my income and then you don't always know what is going on with your kid. I did start my own photography business, but I don't make much money doing it--and the money I do make I use to invest in better equipment, so that makes me feel better instead of using our other money to fund my hobby There are times where I feel like this is a thankless job and it makes me feel like I'm not contributing, but I just give myself a little pep talk. It's a super hard job and it's not for everyone. And we get hardly any credit for all the hard work we do.

We just recently decided this. It's a long story but the short version is that I got let go from my job right before I was supposed to return from maternity leave in November so I've been home with DS since he's been born. Originally DH and I decided that I would stay home until DS was 6m old and then I would go back to work and my mom or MIL would watch him. Now that the time has come and we've been handling things just fine financially without me working DH and I talked about it and decided I would just continue to be a SAHM, I think what bothers me is the fact that I do alot during the day and you're right no one gives you any credit for it. Family members have literally said "I don't know why you're so tired. You just have to hang out at home and play with the baby all day." I feel like because I don't get an actual paycheck no one takes what I do everyday seriously besides DH.

Um, no. That is absolutely not how it works. That would piss me off and I'm sorry your family members are insensitive. It's really none of their business if you ask me. Regardless of what you choose for your family, you're still going to be doing WORK - it just may not be what the "norm" of work means for most people...and you're damned if you do, damned if you don't by the way. If you stay at home, you're lazy and don't "really work" and if you DO work then you're "letting other people raise your kids" and choosing your career over your family. Screw 'em all, I say. : ) You just do whatever is best for your family and who freaking cares what anyone else thinks. If your child is well cared for and has all their needs met, that's all that matters.

orangegoggles · March 2013

((Hugs))

Yes, sometimes I feel that way. Everyone has an opinion whether you SAHM or go back to work. Keep your head up high and realize you are doing the best for your family and it doesn't matter what others think. I'm happy your DH supports you, thats all that matters!

awesnap · March 2013

I was SAH for 9 months and then returned to work. SAHM is wayyyyy more work. Give yourself some much deserved credit.

katigox · March 2013

I'm sorry you are having some insensitive comments from family (the very ones who should be really supporting you through this), bc I agree that SAHM work hard! I am one myself, but even before then, I helped raise my brothers, and that really helped me prepare for it.

I think once you have a bit more time to adjust to it, you'll feel more confident about it (and especially if you don't have to listen to negative comments). Getting some local support from other SAHM's will probably help (I haven't had a chance to reach out to my own, but I hope to soon). But what matters most is how you and DH feel about it, and I think it's wonderful that he is completely on board with it

crystalknpp · March 2013

Thanks ladies for all of the support. I think I'm just still adjusting to the idea. I've worked since I was 16 so it's weird not having my own paycheck. DH keeps saying that his paycheck is our money not just his but sometimes it's still weird for me.

cmumama · March 2013

mork:
I definitely went through that phase, and still feel that way occassionally. I'm now at the end of another phase where I wish I had a job because 1. I miss working, 2. it would give me a break from DD, and 3. I would appreciate my time with DD more due to that break. I also joined a meetup group and it does help some, giving me a reason to get ready for the day, get out, feel like I've accomplished something besides taking care of baby, and providing adult interaction for myself.

I feel exactly this way. I've been home for 2 years now and I'm kind of burned out. I joined a MOMs group last June and that has helped a lot.

Ernie52408 · March 2013

It takes some adjustment. SAH had definitely not been what I expected and dh has not been as supportive as I thought he would be. It doesnt help my kid is a zombie who never ever sleeps. I feel like I never get a break or help.

Most days I feel like I have to ask permission to spend money or go on a day trip. It drives me insane but I can't imagine working full time.

I agree that finding some sah mom friends makes a huge difference. I've heard of people using meetup.com or local moms club. I met an amazing mom and her son at the park. We've becoming great friends and hang out a few days a week.

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