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Working Moms
JulyMomma2U2
member
Feeling like I'm going to snap!
JulyMomma2U2
member
in Working Moms
Quick backstory. My parents watch DS at their house during the work week. My older sister also has been staying there with her two children (ages 5 and 3).
In conversation with a mutual friend between myself and my sister, I found out that my nephew (the 5 year old) was home from school today with "the flu". So, I messaged my Mom (who is the one I've asked to watch DS.. and the one I'm PAYING to watch DS) and just said I hear my nephew was sick, and that she really should have told DH and I and we would have worked something out so DS wasn't exposed.
She responds, "I doubt he has the flu. He's had this cold all week". So, I sort of let it go, since she seemed to blow it off like it was just a cold. Then, later, I talk to my sister and ask if she took him to the doctor.. she says, no, that's it's not the flu and again says how he's been sick all week but that he "will finally be going back to school tomorrow because his fever broke last night".
So, here's where I"m ticked. It's one thing if the kids are snotty and have a little cough.. but, really, if he's been sick all week and out of school due to a fever, why wouldn't anyone have mentioned this to me? Why is it that it's THURSDAY and I"m just now finding out he's been sick all week? When DH or I do pick up/drop off, we are often in and out (we live 30 minutes from my parents, so we're sort of in a rush to either get to work or get home).. so, we don't often stick around and chit chat, and usually my nephews are busy off doing something else, so I had no reason to ask if everyone was healthy.
This same thing happened about a month ago and DS ended up getting really sick and requiring antibiotics. And, I also ended up getting it, too. Now, granted, he could have gotten sick on his own, too, as could I, but.. really.. a simple phone call that said hey, X is sick, it's up to you if you want to bring DS or not would have sufficed! Then the decision to expose DS is on us. Or, even going as far as offering to come watch DS at our house would have been great.
Am I out of line?
Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03
BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d.
BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012!
BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013. BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!
My blog about raising 2U2!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling like I'm going to snap!
I don't think there's a problem with you asking your mom to call you any day that the nephew is staying home from school for an illness, so you can judge what to expose LO to. That doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to me.
Think about it - regular daycares have a fever policy (no kids with a fever 100+ typically, and child must be fever-free for 24 hours). You can institute something like that in reverse.
This is pretty much what I asked after last time. I said if they are sick, let Dh or I know and then we'll either plan to work from home, or see if you could watch him at our house. Clearly, it wasn't implemented.
I'm going to assume you mean uless he is actively playing with DS, which is most always the case. My nephews adore DS -- and, their adoration comes with touching his face, putting their hands near his mouth (or, in his mouth as I've seen them do in the past), etc. Very typical behavior of a small child interacting with an infant.
As for your first comment.. I have realized. It's quite difficult to handle when you're dealing with family. I was simply validating that my concerns are legit.
If you've asked your parents in the past to let you know if anyone is sick, and they haven't, that's a big issue. A DC provider needs to follow your instructions, even if they are family.
If you haven't made your concerns explicitly clear, now is the time to do so.
And I would start looking for new care-even if they are family, you have the right to say how and where your kids are cared for.
It's funny to see this, considering i've posted on this board 3 times I think in the past 2 months about disagreements with our childcare situation.. initially over not feeding him enough, then over the dislocated elbow.. now this.. but, regardless, I do agree that things need to change.
DH and I know we need to evaluate this further.. change something.. it's just hard. When I've mentioned to my parents about using alternative care, I was guilted and told I'm being hormonal and "unfair". I'm told my "complaints" are unrealistic. It just, makes me question myself.
I always assumed having family watch DS would be an excellent alternative. I never imagined we'd have so many issues. I guess despite hearing people tell me I should find alternative care, I still second guess myself as if that's the right choice. I know if I were to do that now, it would create a huge rift in my relationship with my parents.
I think the decision has been made that after LO2 makes his debut, I'll leave my job for a few years. It's a really difficult decision as I love my field (Theresat -- I'm sure you relate as a fellow scientist). I just think that's the only way we can change our current situation without hurting feelings. Now it's just a matter of what to do over the next 4 months....
You could always try to send your child to a public daycare where they have specific policies on this type of stuff. This is why I think getting family to watch your LO, whether you pay them or not, is almost always a bad idea.
Either way in my experience, we got sick way more often when DD started daycare. I don't think you can avoid it.
So you are going to leave science, which depending on your level of experience is career suicide, so that your parents don't get upset that you decide to use alternative childcare? And you drive 30 minutes out if your way to get to them? IMO, this is almost too crazy to believe. Could it be possible that deep down inside, you want to SAH? If so, that's cool, but own it. You sound like you are looking for reasons to stop working.
Quoting PP: So you are going to leave science, which depending on your level of experience is career suicide, so that your parents don't get upset that you decide to use alternative childcare? And you drive 30 minutes out if your way to get to them? IMO, this is almost too crazy to believe. Could it be possible that deep down inside, you want to SAH? If so, that's cool, but own it. You sound like you are looking for reasons to stop working.
(sorry, deleted something and couldn't get it to quote correctly)
This has been a big topic of conversation for DH and I. I'm currently in the process of trying to arrange P/T work, but I'm having a LOT of difficulties getting it passed. Unless I found an "equal" to job share, it would be really difficult for big pharma to hold your headcount while only working P/T. It's doable, and in a lot of other groups has been done, but my group is booming, and thus makes it really difficult to hold my headcount, while hiring others to keep up with the work load. I understand why getting this approved is so challenging.. it sucks, but it is what it is.
Sure, there's a part of me that wants to stay home.. simply because then I know exactly what's going on. But, I'm terrified I'll hate it. I'm terrified I'll leave my job, and in 6 months I'll absolutely regret the decision.. I enjoy the intellectual stimulation way too much to transition that easily to little to no stimulation, kwim. Adjusting back to work was tough.. and, many days still can be.. but when I'm in the environment, I enjoy what i do.
As for the career suicide.. it depends on what the market looks like in the future when I choose to go back. If biopharm is still booming, I'll be fine.. the *theory* behind what I'm doing should stay the same.. the platforms and technology, of course, will evolve.. but, that happens now, and is quite easy to get caught up on. I know a lot of hires in our group come in with the knowledge but not necessarily the experience using specific technology.. it's the understanding that's more important.
As for the hurting feelings.. it's a really complicated scenario. The situation is what it is for several reasons.. but at the end of the day it's not the situation we agreed on. I think a coworker hit the nail on the head.. in a lot of ways, my parents still treat me as a child.. which sets us up for a lot of the issues we've had. Bringing these things to light would really upset them.. and, honestly, I don't think it would do any good.. it is what it is..
In an ideal world.. P/T would get approved.. and we'd have in home care 3 days/week for our boys.. whether that ends up being family or outside hired care hasn't been decided. I think even if I left my current job, within a short while I'd start looking for P/T work.. even if it means switching to a hospital setting where I could work overnight hours and take a huge pay cut.. at least it's still something.. I don't know.. it's a lot to process.
I work in KOP PA, so Biopharm in your area is booming
. My group has gone from 10 to over 30 in a short while (under 3 years).. we just hired 2 more and have 3 other open positions just to be filled by end of q1. And, pipelines for many companies are stacked with biologics (have you seen the line up for just about any major conference n the tri state area?), making my area of "expertise" a high in demand field (I work in the clinical end). Unless the use of antibodies and the like in medicine drastically changes, I don't foresee it disappearing in a few years. And, there's a huge amount of overlap in what I do and what can be applied to multiple other fields within Pharma. But, if Pharma didn't work out, or I chose to go a different route, I've already considered working in a hospital lab with off hours. As a side note.. In my experience, a lot of Pharma has to do with who you know.. It's unfortunate about your coworker.. More so that his former colleagues (ie managers) haven't been able t help him find a new position, especially given the terms of his absence. I interned with my company as a college undergrad.. I networked.. I was offered a contract position in a different group within that company purely based on word of mouth... Within 6 months, I was offered a full time position. Part of me is banking on the fact that I would part with excellent recommendations from my managers. It is a risk. In this economy, leaving any job and assuming you will jump back in is a risk. But, it may be one I end up taking. I don't want to make an drastic decisions while pregnant.. I want to make sure when i Make this decision, its for all the right reasons and not hormone induced.
I think that's absolutely correct if your plan is to be in the lab. I was dead set on a PhD in immunology. Even applied, and interviewed with several places.. but, at the last minute, I decided against it. Everything I have seen in industry points to once you have a PhD, you transition into a more managerial type role. In my group.. we have at least 12 PhDs, and only 2 or 3 work in the lab, the rest are strictly management -- both for projects, clinical teams and all "non-PhD" scientists. That wasn't my desire -- to manage. I like being more hands on with the science.. So, yes, I can see how your friend is having a really difficult time finding a lab based position with a PhD.
I also think the tricky thing about science is knowing which skillsets to build up. For example, if you're working in a neuro lab, and doing predominantly neuro based research.. that's not really going to translate well into any other group, except neuro.. and, let's face it.. neuro is not a happening field right now. But, if you're working in a group that focuses on cell work, and biomarkers and other types of bridging assays... those things are very translatable from group to group.. you'd mesh well in a basic research lab, or in a late stage lab. There's a lot of complexities about science.. and, it's easy to fall into one niche, and then get yourself into trouble when it comes to looking for another.
I have a lot of internal struggles regarding this decision. I'm very passionate about my job.. but, my son (and, second son coming this summer) are the absolute world to me, and my highest priority.. of course, I posted this yesterday, pick the baby up last night, and he's showing signs of being sick. Coughing, feeling the mucous crackling in his chest, fever.. ugh. I am so torn. But, thanks so much for your "good luck" regarding whichever decision I end up making.. for now, i'm really holding out on the P/T opportunity.. I hope that would fix a lot of the issues
I mostly lurk and don't know the backstory that pp seem to know but IMO, when you have family watch your child, even if you pay them, it is a much more casual situation than if you went to a center or in-home daycare. I do think your Mom should have told you but it seems like they didn't think it was a big deal. If you want a more formal business relationship, then you should probably look outside of family.
I think you need to just tell your family that it's not them, it's you (even though it might not be), and put your current baby in another daycare situation. Leaving your job and putting your career on hold because you can't stand up to your family seems really extreme.
They might be pissed initially, but if they can't let it go, it's on them. Also, maybe you can compromise and promise them babysitting x times a month on the weekends or something, to make up for the fact that they aren't your FT option anymore.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
BIOPHARM! Not, Pharma in general.. BIOLOGICS are the focus of BIOPHARM. Clearly, I live in the "world" that actually pays attention to which sects of pharma are advancing. READ what I wrote before you go getting all snarky.
Yes.
Your kid will get exposed to a cold. Today, tomorrow, next week...whenever.
At least your caregiver will take him with a cold or whatever.
OMG. NBD.
Except, it is a big deal because my son spent the day in the ER and will continue to get breathing treatments every 4 hours. So, clearly, more than just "a cold".