Natural Birth

DH Interested?

So my DH is fully supportive of a natural birth and pretty much any decision I make. But he doesn't seem to keen on learning about it. He says what I tell him is enough why does he need to watch or read anything? I was hoping he would watch The Business of Being Born with me but we got about 30 minutes into it and he stopped it and said "I'm just not into this". I want him to be interested but obviously I can't make him. 

 It was similar a few weeks ago when my midwife's office held a q&a session about what they do and why its different than an OBGYN etc. He really pushed against going but then we did but clearly just for me and he was bored. 

 I don't want to guilt him into things but he knows when I'm disappointed. He is trying and I'm trying and I just wish we were on the same page. :( It makes me feel like I'm alone in figuring everything out. I'm so grateful he is supportive, I just wish he took more of an interest.  

Re: DH Interested?

  • It's nice that he's not rocking the boat, but I sort of disagree that he's trying...but I also know it's like being in a foreign land for many guys. My DH wants nothing to do with "The Business of being Born" either. I would call the midwife and ask her to bring it up with him at your next visit, because he has to understand that you aren't going to be able to coach HIM through L&D. Also, does he have a clear enough picture of natural birth and is he prepared to see you in pain, to advocate for you, the ick-factor of it all??

    What might help is writing your birth plan (even a draft) with him in mind, and then go over it with him and discuss anything specific that you're still unsure of or want input on. I know my DH felt a little avalanched by information/weird medical terms that I was already familiar with, so it was easier if I made some basic choices and brought up issues in digestible chunks. Once we read over it, he had questions and we identified specific gaps in knowledge that were easy to fill in. Also, his thoughts on the birth plan were really insightful to me, regarding my own dirty lens on L&D. The discussion lead us to a dvd childbirth class that fits his "tell it to me straight" needs and lets him (and us) digest information in private. That's what worked for us anyway.

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  • Well see thats what he has said. "Do you know anything about what my role is?" etc and I don't really know how to answer that because I don't know. I know I'll need him etc. When did you take the Bradley classes? I think they will really help and he wants to help and support me just feel like our communication is off (which is fairly unusual). 
  • Thanks that helps too! I feel like I know nothing and its the blind leading the blind. I'm excited about classes for me but also because I really think they will help. He does well in that setting. Even when we go to the midwife he asks more questions than I do. I guess I just need to remind myself of that sometimes. 
  • We hired a doula honestly more for my DH than for me. I mean I would have been happy to have him coach me through labor but he was just not interested in being that involved. So instead of taking Bradley or other expensive classes we decided to spend the money on the doula. DH is now excited to help in other ways while the doula gets all hands on with me. He's satisfied with doing whatever she and I tell him to do and, most importantly, he feels confident about his role. So it's all good with me. 
  • My husband wasnt interested either. He listened enough to get some of the stats I threw at him so he understood why I wanted to go natural, and then later why I wanted an hbac. He was still an amazing support for me during both my labours: calm, supportive, present, etc. I dont think you need to he into watching births to be a supportive partner.
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  • I second the doula suggestions, emphatically.

    Based on your secondary responses, it sort of sounds like a great first step is just admitting to the midwife (or your new doula) that you're both adrift and let her offer some guidance to simplify the subject matter and give you a shared starting point.

    Also, and this is God's honest truth, if you BOTH feel 110% confident in your provider's judgment and commitment to support you, then that's more than half the battle right there. All the classes and movies and prenatal yoga in the world is not enough if you don't trust the person/people delivering your baby and supporting you...but it sounds like you do, so great!

    Have faith in you husband and yourself. It will all work out.

  • My husband is not interesting in BOBB, however he does understand his role in our planned natural birth and is trying to prepare for that.  So there's a middle ground here.  Basically, our Bradley classes have taught us that it is his role to coach me through all labor stages when I require it, advocate for natural birth at the hospital and our birth plan, understand hospital policies and interventions and when they would be required, help me through any interventions that might be necessary, fill out any hospital paperwork and answer most of the questions asked without having to bother me, remain calm when seeing me in pain, apply counter pressure and encourage labor position changes, keep me adequately hydrated, etc, etc. 

    Really the only way for him to effectively do his job will be for him to prepare.  It's not going to be easy on him and I'm afraid your husband might be thinking "if she wants natural, that's fine, doesn't effect me either way".  Really, you going natural means that he is going to be working really hard for ~24 hours if this is your first labor.  If he is not prepared that could cause a lot of tension.  If he doesn't want to prepare, then that is where a doula or another labor support person will help you.

    My husband is preparing the best he can, but I'm still worried that he will get cranky if my labor goes long.  So I'm also having my sister train as a labor coach so that they can alternate.  I'm not easy to deal with when I'm in a compromised position and I know I cannot do this alone, so I'm trying to have all my bases covered.

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  • DH wasn't really interested last time, and he's not going to be this time. He did attend the 3 session hospital class with me.

    I hired a doula. She made him useful and awesome in labour. It was a great decision for us, and we're hiring her again. He DOES want me to have the birth I want, he just doesn't want to have to prepare in advance. So we pay someone else that is prepared. Win-win: I don't have to nag him, he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to do, I get a perfect support system in labour.

  • Check and see if there is a Hypnobabies class in your area. I think it is a great way for a hubby to really get involved, learn a bit more, and discover the power of hypnosis alongside his wife. Plus he won't be the only guy there and I feel like Hypnobabies classes can be a bit more open and provide more opportunities to let your husband get involved and realize how important his support is during pregnancy and birth.

    There is a page of questions/statements that the mom and birth partner pick from each week and have to fill in the blank, so to speak. They are basically conversation starters and really help build communication. Things like "One thing I am looking forward to with the birth of our child is..." or "It is really difficult for me to hear... from other people when it comes to birth." It might surprise you that your DH does think about all this stuff and maybe he is scared about some things!

    It is really sad, but our culture has been telling guys that big moments in life are all about what the woman wants and that they don't have much to contribute. Weddings - "It doesn't really matter if I help pick the colors or look at invitations because she is just going to do what she wants anyways..." Pregnancy and birth - "It doesn't matter what my opinion is/if I am supportive, because what will happen will happen."

    Gently let your husband know that he IS important to you, especially during this time. Men have an innate desire to be knights for their ladies... use that to your advantage! Tell him that you have fears and concerns about different aspects surrounding birth. Ask him if he can help you research different issues that might arise - What are the risks of things like Pitocin for induction? What are natural forms of induction? (he might be pleasantly surprised to learn having sex is one!) Challenge him to find some educational YouTube videos on topics pertaining to parenthood - car seat safety comes to mind... and some not so conventional videos - a funny one on how to change a diaper for instance. 

    Perhaps both of you can sit down at the beginning of the week and talk about something that you are interested in learning about when it comes to pregnancy, birth, or parenting. Spend a little time researching the topic/topics on your own time and get back together at the end of the week to share what you have learned... just keep this short and to the point. Guys aren't usually into all the fluff and stuff and just want to know the most important details about something. We women on the other hand could go on and on about the minutia!  

     

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