Adoption
Lurker w/a Question
Hi ladies! Dirty lurker here. I used to be really active over on TTCAL, but have taken a step back and been lurking over here as DH and I have decided to pursue adoption as a way of expanding our family. We've always been open to adoption and wanted to after we had kids, so the IF just put the fast forward on that.
I checked out your FAQ (which was very helpful by the way) and ordered some of the books that were recommended, but I wanted to find out if you ladies have any book recommendations specific to open adoption? Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
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♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
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♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome
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Re: Lurker w/a Question
Hi there! I have several recommendations on books relating to open adoption. Some of them are older/out of print, but you may be able to find them online or by using your library's InterLibrary Loan program. See the list below:
I am always quick to recommend "The Open Adoption Book" by Bruce Rappaport, PhD. It sort of reads like a text book full of study information.
What I like is it gives logical information about the trend towards open adoption and why.
How are you feeling about Open? Apprehensive? If so, chat here... Open means so many different things and can be scary on the surface.
Thank you very much for the suggestions Gnome. We'll add those to our "to read" list ASAP.
Thank you for the suggestion.
In response to your question, we are feeling a little apprehensive and basically ignorant about it as a whole. No one in our families or social circle have adopted so we are sort of entering some uncharted territory here. DH has been very close minded about the prospect, but I know his job has a lot to do with that. He's a police officer so he only sees people at their worst (who calls a cop to tell them their kid made honor roll again right?) and he's seen open adoptions go so horribly wrong. While we know deep down this isn't the norm, in fact probably far from it, I would be lying if I said it didn't make us the least bit concerned.
With getting the books I was hoping to get a better idea of what "open adoption" really means and what it entails. At least get the basic foundation that didn't come from his personal experiences at work.
♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome
What has he seen that has gone horribly wrong with open adoption?
I don't know the exact specifics, but from what I gathered it sounds more like the BM's weren't counseled very well when they placed the kids and felt pressure to give their children up for adoption. So there were issues of BM's showing up at the AM's houses demanding to see the child, or harrassing the AM's about it. Some of the adoptive families also sounded like jerks as well.
I know the one case he was working for what felt like forever it was a situation of the BM gave her daughter up when she was born. She's now 14 and the BM feels like she should get more time with her daughter. Their adoption said monthly updates and yearly visits. So the BM contacted the daughter behind the AM's back and basically was telling her that she never wanted to give her up, that AM "stole her" from her and convinced the teen to run away to be with her in CA. The young girl did run away and was eventually brought back home. It ended up being BM was arrested for kidnapping and some other charges. Now the adoptive parents have a restraining order against BM.
As I said, I know these aren't the norm, but he worked the one case for a while and it left a big impression on him because he saw how it affected the parties invovled. I'm trying to remind him that what he sees at work isn't what things are always like.
♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome
The media can make Open Adoption seem scary. Stick around here... you'll see most of the families w/open adoptions have arrangements that include letters and pics.... not vacations and overnight visits.
When people ask how I can embrace open adoption, my answer-- it is in the best interest of my children. Consider a child that doesn't know his birth parents... it's easy to create fantasy around their birth situation. Have real facts and pictures makes the real story easier to tell and understand. Open adoption helps my children form their identity w/o conceiving ideas that aren't true.
Now in the IA world, it's different... but that's also the norm. DIA world is becoming mostly an open landscape and so the norm is to have this information.
I think I'll do that. You ladies seem very helpful and knowledgeable. Always nice to get feedback from those who've been there done that.
♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
All AL Always Welcome