Cheating?

cookie280 · February 2013

Accidently Caught MH texting a woman. I was trying to program his phone and a text came in. He was driving us home, with LO sleeping in the car. I simply asked him who's this person. First he said coworker, then I checked the previous message he sent and clearly it wasn't a coworker.
He tried to give me bs excuses of course and justify the situation. Needless to say, I'm heart broken and feel like crap... Oh yeh and this was all today, VDay ha!
So, he's trying to talk to me and I'm completly shut down. I did go off on him at first, but now I don't know what to do.

Kristen050 · February 2013

Counseling. No matter what happens it will help a lot. It can sort out feelings of why this happened and help you decide how you want to move forward and how to deal with that decision. I am very sorry this happened to you.

CandaceLeigh · February 2013

Give yourself some time, then hear him out. After that, def counseling. Good luck.

ZoeMay06 · February 2013

I'm really sorry. I hope that there is a rational explanation for it all. Whether there is or not though, I agree that counseling would be a good move. Sending good thoughts.

kjmommy1214 · February 2013

I agree with the other ladies about counseling. It will help to keep both of your heads level. Also, sometimes our preconceived notions won't let us see the truth. Hope it all ends well.

vnstacie · February 2013

I'm going to play the other side..

First, is he cheating? Emotionally or physically?

I'm only asking because he obviously wasn't hiding it if you were able to see previous texts. What did they text?

I know it sucks that your H is texting another women, but only if it's actually cheating. He is allowed to have friends, right? I would not tell my H he can't talk to friends and he texts other women when they text him, it doesn't bother me unless something is going on, which it's not.

Now if he had deleted the texts or become super defensive or played stupid, then you may have an issue, but if it is innocent friendly chatter I don't see a problem.

CurlyQ284 · February 2013

I'm assuming that you could tell he was cheating by the nature of the text messages?

cookie280 · February 2013

He deleted all the text messages but one that he sent 5 minutes before I picked him from work. He was driving do I took his phone to do it and he got super flustered and panicked and kept asking to see the phone... Stared sweating and then he reply came in. His text said : why not, don't you love me lol and he reply was of course I do.
He insists that he doesn't know her, she got his number from FB and he was only trying to find out who it was. Keeps saying nothin happened and never even met her. Doesn't matter because cheating isn't only physical. But he doesn't get that point. We tried counseling in the past when something similar to this happened 2 years ago. I'm so lost.. And now we have a child together!

CurlyQ284 · February 2013

OK, you did counseling before and it didn't work. He's cheating again. I think its time to make copies of all financial documents 401k, savings, checking etc and see an attorney. What a dirtbag!

vnstacie · February 2013

CurlyQ284:
I'm assuming that you could tell he was cheating by the nature of the text messages?

but that's the thing, if he was then there wouldn't have been previous evidence, unless he's stupid and didnt erase. Also, a person with something to hide wouldn't give his wife his phone knowing there was incriminating texts, right?

FairyDuster003 · February 2013

I am so sorry. I know it makes you feel horrible but please keep in mind that you aren't the problem. It's his instinctive need to pass along his genes that make him act like that. Some men can control it like rational human beings and some can't. It's biological and has nothing to do with you.

I say counseling with an understanding that he come clean and agree to admit mistakes and then you will consider sticking around. Let him know you're serious or it will probably always continue. But whatever you decide, don't feel horrible. I hope you can find a solution that makes you happy.

We're always here for ya!

CurlyQ284 · February 2013

vnstacie:
CurlyQ284:
I'm assuming that you could tell he was cheating by the nature of the text messages?
but that's the thing, if he was then there wouldn't have been previous evidence, unless he's stupid and didnt erase.  Also, a person with something to hide wouldn't give his wife his phone knowing there was incriminating texts, right?

Huh? So how do you think people ever get caught cheating if there is never any evidence? People slip up. He slipped up and now he's caught, for the second time. I don't even understand your line of thinking...

NinaMarie1 · February 2013

Space. Give yourself some space from him. Take some time to reflect and think... away from him if at all possible. Sometimes this is the best thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do. I don't know if you can stay with your mom, sister/brother, friend or even ask him to leave for a couple days. Also, if your H begins to believe he will lose you over this then maybe he'll begin to think differently about his actions and how to re-gain your trust. People do what you let them do to you. Trust your instinct and put your happiness as a top priority. And pp is right... you are not the problem in this situation. So don't start thinking, what did I do wrong/how can I be better nonsense.

vnstacie · February 2013

CurlyQ284:
vnstacie:
CurlyQ284:
I'm assuming that you could tell he was cheating by the nature of the text messages?
but that's the thing, if he was then there wouldn't have been previous evidence, unless he's stupid and didnt erase. Also, a person with something to hide wouldn't give his wife his phone knowing there was incriminating texts, right?
Huh? So how do you think people ever get caught cheating if there is never any evidence? People slip up. He slipped up and now he's caught, for the second time. I don't even understand your line of thinking...

uh.. It's obvious that he slipped up, I wasn't saying nobody leaves evidence, obviously people get caught because they leave evidence.

And my response was before I saw her response.

ExcitedMum2B · February 2013

NinaMarie1:
Space. Give yourself some space from him. Take some time to reflect and think... away from him if at all possible. Sometimes this is the best thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do. I don't know if you can stay with your mom, sister/brother, friend or even ask him to leave for a couple days. Also, if your H begins to believe he will lose you over this then maybe he'll begin to think differently about his actions and how to re-gain your trust. People do what you let them do to you. Trust your instinct and put your happiness as a top priority. And pp is right... you are not the problem in this situation. So don't start thinking, what did I do wrong/how can I be better nonsense.

All this.

143BabyCakes · February 2013

NinaMarie1:
Space. Give yourself some space from him. Take some time to reflect and think... away from him if at all possible. Sometimes this is the best thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do. I don't know if you can stay with your mom, sister/brother, friend or even ask him to leave for a couple days. Also, if your H begins to believe he will lose you over this then maybe he'll begin to think differently about his actions and how to re-gain your trust. People do what you let them do to you. Trust your instinct and put your happiness as a top priority. And pp is right... you are not the problem in this situation. So don't start thinking, what did I do wrong/how can I be better nonsense.

This. If you did something to the opposite effect of this last time, your response wasn't enough. You will not be able to think straight with him around b/c he will be constantly buzzing in your ear with the "Baby, I'm sorry. It didn't mean anything" crap.

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