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May 2012 Moms
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I need some advice (very sad)

najzomaxnajzomax member
in May 2012 Moms

I posted on here last week asking for prayers for my friend and her baby that was born at 24 weeks. Sadly, baby Miranda passed away last night. I am just heart broken for my friend.

i don't even know what to say to my friend. I feel like I can't call because she wil hear DD is the background, I don't live close enough to visit or drop off food, and sending an email just doesn't feel like enough.

i don't know if any of you ladies have any experience in this area but any advice would be appreciated. 

I will tell you I am hugging DD extra this morning. I am so grateful her is here and healthy! 

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Re: I need some advice (very sad)

  • bellelambbellelamb member
    I am so sorry! I would call and simply tell her you don't know what to say but you care about her.

    As far as sending something maybe a gift card to a pizza place that delivers near them.

    I will be praying for your friend today
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  • ceteichmceteichm member
    imagebellelamb:
    I am so sorry! I would call and simply tell her you don't know what to say but you care about her.

    As far as sending something maybe a gift card to a pizza place that delivers near them.

    I will be praying for your friend today
    This! If your worried about her hearing your lo maybe call during nap time.
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  • kmc1109kmc1109 member

    I would call and tell her you're thinking of her and there if she needs anything.  Just do it while LO is sleeping :)

    She needs to know that you're there for her and I'm sure she'll appreciate the call. 

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  • DwinalsinloveDwinalsinlove member

    imageceteichm:
    imagebellelamb:
    I am so sorry! I would call and simply tell her you don't know what to say but you care about her. As far as sending something maybe a gift card to a pizza place that delivers near them. I will be praying for your friend today
    This! If your worried about her hearing your lo maybe call during nap time.

    All of this!

    When I had a miscarriage the best thing my best friend said to me was "this sucks there is nothing I can say to make it better just know that I am here if you need me". While your friends loss is much greater than mine I believe she would appreciate the same type of support. No words can make it better but you can make yourself available if and when she needs you.

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  • mrsshawnavanbmrsshawnavanb member
    That is terrible. I just said a prayer for her. I definitely agree with the gift card for food idea. If you're not close enough to drop off a meal, that would be the next best thing. Some ideas other than pizza are Jimmy Johns, Chinese food or you could even have some groceries delivered for them. Even if only the staples: milk, eggs, bread, etc.
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  • bornmommybornmommy member

    Ugh, I'm so sorry for your friend.  I would call her when your away from DD or DD is napping and just let her know that you are there for her.  There is no magic wand to make her feel better, unfortunately.  It's a great loss that she will have to go through the process of grieving.  Letting her know that you are there if she needs anything is the only thing you can do.

    I'll keep her and her family in my prayers.

                  
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                                                                DS #1 born 05/25/2012   
                                                         BFP#2:  06/12/2013 ---- loss     
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  • MrsH11710MrsH11710 member

    I am so very sorry!

    I agree that a call would be best. Another nice gesture is a thoughtful card. So, if you don't talk to her then you can always write down your heartfelt message for her to read at her leisure.

    Prayers for baby Miranda.


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  • ashk7ashk7 member
    I am so sorry to hear this news. Extra prayers are being sent. I agree with pp sending a card was a great suggestion, I find I am better at writing what I feel instead of saying it in times where I don't know what to say. You can send a gift card with the card and won't have to worry about upsetting her or working around LO schedule.
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  • hopefulmom81hopefulmom81 member

    I definitely echo what PPs said.  

    Here is a link with some suggestions of what to and what NOT to say https://www.babylosscomfort.com/what-do-i-say/ 

    Acknowledge the baby, call the baby by her name any time you refer to the loss. Your friend will be thinking about Miranda every day for the rest of her life, so you won't be reminding her of anything she wasn't already thinking about by talking about it.

    Don't feel you always have to say something to her.  If she says something like, "I can't believe this happened".  Just say, "I know.  It is a nightmare" instead of offering a platitude (everything happens for a reason, God's will, etc.) those are the worst things you can say. 

    Make sure she can't hear DD in the background. 

    One thing I will say is to be prepared if she distances herself from you slightly for a while.  I had 2 losses and my SIL and a dear friend got pregnant right around that time.  I just couldn't bear being close to them while I was healing.  They were a constant reminder of everyone who got what I so desperately wanted.  It had NOTHING to do with them as people.  The best thing they ever did for me was to tell me they understood and didn't take it personally. 

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  • bellelambbellelamb member
    Hopefulmom81 that's great advice!!
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  • hopefulmom81hopefulmom81 member

    imagebellelamb:
    Hopefulmom81 that's great advice!!

    Thanks, boo.  It is an unfortunate topic to know anything about, but I am always glad to try to help! 

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  • najzomaxnajzomax member

    Thank you everyone. I appreciate the advice and prayers. I will forward the prayers on to my friend. She says that it helps to know that so many people care about Miranda even though they didn't know her. I definitely will remember to refer to her as Miranda. She is my friend's daughter and deserves to be remember for the person she was, not the baby that was lost.

    i sent her a brief message this morning and have actually heard back from her. This is her third loss (she previously had a miscarriage and a still birth - both boys) and seems to be coping better than I expected. It's completely not fair that she is going through this again. She is a wonderful person and you couldn't say anything bad about her if you tried.

    my next question is, I normally post pictures on Facebook of dd at least once a week. Do I make a point of trying to exclude her or do I post as normal and trust that she will hide me from her news feed if she doesn't want to see them?

     If I were her it would hurt too much, I wouldn't want to see them but I'm unsure how to go about doing it. I post them in a monthly album and she already liked the album so she will get notified when I post them... 

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  • hopefulmom81hopefulmom81 member
    imagenajzomax:

    Thank you everyone. I appreciate the advice and prayers. I will forward the prayers on to my friend. She says that it helps to know that so many people care about Miranda even though they didn't know her. I definitely will remember to refer to her as Miranda. She is my friend's daughter and deserves to be remember for the person she was, not the baby that was lost.

    i sent her a brief message this morning and have actually heard back from her. This is her third loss (she previously had a miscarriage and a still birth - both boys) and seems to be coping better than I expected. It's completely not fair that she is going through this again. She is a wonderful person and you couldn't say anything bad about her if you tried.

    my next question is, I normally post pictures on Facebook of dd at least once a week. Do I make a point of trying to exclude her or do I post as normal and trust that she will hide me from her news feed if she doesn't want to see them?

     If I were her it would hurt too much, I wouldn't want to see them but I'm unsure how to go about doing it. I post them in a monthly album and she already liked the album so she will get notified when I post them... 

    That is really thoughtful of you.  I think she will hide them.  You should continue to be proud of your darling DD and post away. 

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