Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Oh, Butterfly, I'm sorry. That must be extremely difficult to live through. You may already know this, but just in case you don't, it may help to know that this kind of behavior (being angelic to one and only misbehaving to the primary care-giving parent) is so common in adoption of hurt children that they named it "triangulation."
Even though the boys have always "targeted" me with their acting out, I have been very lucky in that we read a lot about these kinds of behaviors before we brought them home, and my husband has always taken my word for truth and been completely supportive of me. This was particularly difficult with M, who has all sorts of mother issues he needs to work through. While I would long for the relationship my husband had with him, I knew that it was actually a sign that M was going through what he needed to in order to form an attachment to me in time--and he did.
So please take heart in knowing that Iz's behavior is normal, and part of her necessary process. As she feels close to you, she has to push you away. Now that she's feeling closer to your wife, she's starting to do the same. As long as you continue to be consistent with her and continue showing love in your actions, she will come around.
If you haven't already, you may wish to check out Taming the Tiger While It's Still a Kitten (http://www.attachment-store.org/taming-the-tiger-while-its-still-a-kitten.html). It did wonders to console me and make me feel like we were on the right track. Her way of discipline is more strict/authoritarian than I prefer, but it just made me feel better to hear all the stories and know what we were going through was the process we needed to travel for healing.
Now, if only I could get a handle on the lying!
My heart breaks for you reading your post! PLEASE don't think you are alone in this. It is not uncommon in cases where children haven't been able to form an attachment in the past. Honestly, I urge you to check out that CD I posted; it speaks directly to this. I know you have a busy life, and I found the audio format most helpful in getting information quickly.
The "companion" book for older kids is When Love Is
Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD.
With M, who has attachment issues but not RAD, my go-to book was Parenting the
Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow.
And I read Wounded
Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster
Families after (in fact, right when we were picking up J), and it was amazing and truthful, and I felt like I had written some of the chapters because it described our life so closely.
While you would not get flamed on the Adoption board, there aren't a lot of posters who can relate. Most of them adopt infants, and the ones that adopt internationally often go away after bringing their kids home (I suspect because they don't want to post any of their struggles and feel like they don't have much positive to add to the board anymore). I, however, have remained and continue to tell all sides of my story. They have been incredibly receptive, and some of the foster mommies have been able to help me out along the way.
Please consider coming back. First, no one should go through these things alone. Second, I think it's important to spread the word of the difficulties that can come with adoption, not to deter prospective adoptive parents, but to prepare them.
Oh, and my heart breaks for Iz, too. 6 placements (7? did she live with her birthparents, too?) is too many for a lifetime, yet alone such a young girl. No wonder she is afraid to get attached to anyone! Trust your instincts, Butterfly. We knew something wasn't "right" with M, and uncovered not only his learning disabilities but the underlying FASD cause.
ETA: And if you want an idea of what we went through, please search my posts. I've always tried to tell the whole story because I think it does a disservice to only tell parts and I needed a place to vent where I would get support and not judgement (as in real life).