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May 2013 Moms
Vent- SIL Bachelorette Party...Advice?
Ok I just need to get this out. My BIL is getting married this April and I am one of the bridesmaids I think that's wonderful. His soon to be wife is very sweet and I'm glad that we get along so well. With that said, one of her friends is the Maid of Honor and is planning the bachelorette party. I was under the impression that my soon to be SIL didn't want to really "party" we were going decorate some button down shirts for the wedding day when we get our hair done for cute photo ops, etc... but I just got a message this morning from the Maid of Honor and she wants to do dinner (that's great, I'm totally up for dinner) then, she wants all of us to ride around in a limo for 2 hours bar hopping. After we're done bar hopping we're supposed to go back for a hotel party full of games, dancing, and drinking. She wants each bridesmaid to pay 100 dollars.
Now, I am totally fine with helping however I can, but I've already made it clear that I am not going to be staying in the hotel (sleep is precious right now), and obviously I'm not going to be drinking. After buying the lingerie gift, my dinner and chipping in 100 bucks for drinks and a hotel I will not be utilizing we're talking at least 200 dollars.
Am I being a jerk thinking that's ridiculous? I know I have "obligations", but I'm already buying my shoes, paying for my hair, makeup, gifts for two parties for my soon to be SIL. I also am the only one who has one kiddo and one on the way. My DS birthday is in April as well as my DH. I'm also planning my best friends bachelorette party (nothing this expensive). I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed and thinking there are TONS of other things I could purchase with that money 
I don't want to ruin their plans by telling them $100 bucks on top of everything else seems silly... Thoughts?
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Re: Vent- SIL Bachelorette Party...Advice?
It is a surprise
I would love to pull her aside and tell her.
My MOH footed the bill for mine 100%. But we only did dinner and then drinks and games back at her house. She tried to have each bridesmaid pitch in for the shower, but ended up footing the bill there too.
I would offer her something towards the evening. Maybe offer to pay for the Bride's dinner?
Oh yes, I agree! Before babies we would drop money on nights out, but it's not the same anymore
I stay at home with DS and DH is working. I wouldn't tell them it's silly, but the practical side of me wants to scream it, lol!
Just tell the maid of honor your pregnant; I think it would be perfectly fine to go to the dinner, pay for your part of the dinner, then part ways before the limo comes. Your SIL will understand.
EDIT:
My brother just got engaged in December; and had this big "party"...it started late, and it was a lot of drinking, and it was in the city. I told him nights were bad for me (I would get sick at night) and I can't drink. He understood, and a few weeks later we ended up going on a double dinner date with them in my town, to "celebrate".
Could you try reminding the MOH that this is what *SHE* wants as opposed to what the BTB would enjoy? There was so much drama among my 5 BMs because the sisters (SILs) want to do the bar hopping night on town thing and that is just not my personality. I don't drink. I don't like crowded places. And they couldn't find a good night to do it that everyone was available (both SILs had 2 small kids each).
I ended up getting a weekend with my 2 best friends and MH's best friend at a resort in Western MD. We did a ropes course, mountain coaster, boat ride and stayed in a great cabin with a hot tub and went out for a couple of nice meals. I'm sure it was expensive, but they all had a fun weekend get away and it was low key and drama free. We did go to one bar after dinner, but didn't stay long (and we had drinks bought for us).
I had a very similar situation with my best friend's bachelorette party. I just politely declined. She wanted me at the party. When someone told her about the plans that would not include me she put a stop to them and made them plan the party according to her wishes which would allow me to be there.
I'm not saying you should ruin your BIL's fiance's surprise, but I'm sure she will understand that you can't be expected to pay for something you are not taking part in. Just give them a head's up that you won't be participating in the hotel and drinkfest so you'll just cover your dinner and go home.
Totally agree! Just politely tell the MOH that you can't really participate in the limo/bar hopping and hotel party later. You can even just say your pregnant and not mention the $100 or just say it is more than you can afford right now. Just pay for your part of dinner. I would be completely understanding if someone said that to me...
DH: 35
DD #1: 6/1/2013
EDD #2: 6/7/2017
Can I just say this is why I pray that I am never in another wedding in my life other than as MOTB. When my BFF got married, she laid down the law that since her 17 yr old niece was a bridesmaid, we would not be going to one single bar and she also did not want surprises. One of the other bridesmaids couldn't handle that and tried to push us into planning a surprise bar hopping night. Icing on the cake after some other crazy stunts and the bride kicked her out of the wedding party.
Obviously that is not helpful to your situation, but I am sympathetic. No, I don't think you should have to pay $100 or be forced to going to the bars/hotel, but it sounds like there will be drama either way if the bride didn't want to go bar hopping but the MOH planned it.
I think I would give the bride a heads up that I wouldn't be able to stay for the whole party and that I hope she understands.
BFP 5/21/10, Missed m/c 7/5/10 at 11w3d (baby measured 7wks), D&C 7/7/10
Aug/Sept 2010 - CD3&10 b/w & u/s, genetic testing, SA, HSG, & Lap/Hyst to remove septum
12/09/10 BFP -- 7/05/11 DS born at 33w5d. Came home after 23d in NICU at 37w0d
June 2012 - TTC #2! -- 10/05/12 BFP -- 5/23/13 DS2 born at 37w1d! Yay full term!
Surprise BFP 6/25/14 LO#3 due Feb2015!
I also don't think you are being unreasonable here. Maybe because I'm in 2, yes 2, very similar situations. My cousin (who is like my sister) is getting married within a week of my due date. I have been trying to back out of being a bridesmaid for about a month now but my passive aggressive tactics on this one are failing. We are having her bachelorette party the evening after her shower and everything that has been planned I can't partake in - right down to the sushi dinner everyone agreed to. Then I'm in another wedding in July and the bride wants me to "pump and dump" so I can drink (BTW my son will be about 6 weeks old at the time of the party) and come party with them all day and night. For that one I think I am going to politely decline anything that occurs after about 10 p.m. and not drink. I'm not comfortable wasting precious breast milk and frankly I'm probably going to still be too tired to party all night anyway.
Do what you feel is best for YOU. Don't feel obligated to contribute to something you can't partake in and it's ok to tell the MOH that it is simply out of your budget right now. If she is a decent person she will understand. Can you talk to any of the other bridesmaids about this? Maybe you aren't the only one feeling overwhelmed by the costs.
Here here! Completely agree.
This is what I would do. Also, if the MOH has any class the bride will never know what you chipped in for, and what you didn't. I don't think you need to have a private convo with the bride about it, it's pretty logical given your situation.
My brother is getting married in August and Im not being included at all and it really hurts me so I would give the money and be included and bow out when the drinking and hotel staying started happening. JMO.