I wanted to share this from my cousin's blog. I copied her writing here because I wasn't sure if The Bump allows links to blogs. My cousin said to share this with other moms. I thought what she wrote was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you. It is religious heavy just so you know.
It was four years ago today that he was due to enter this life, my life, and all that I could give him.
But when that January day came, all that was
mine to embrace were memories of a sunny, otherwise perfect August day
when everything went horribly, horribly wrong. He vanished into the
open arms of heaven and I was left without a trace of proof that it was
not just some cruel dream that I had inadvertently stumbled upon.
I do remember, and I do know to be true the
warm hand of a wonderful doctor who squeezed my arm and told me she
would take care of me and I would be alright. I do remember the
peaceful presence of just the right parishoner who shared the sacred
space of the hospital room as we free fell out of the shock. I remember
the Olympics beach volleyball being on the TV suspended from the wall,
as if somewhere, in another world, sport mattered at all.
Most of all, I can recall laying on a
gurney, lost in the labyrinth of an OR corridor on a deserted Sunday
afternoon. My faith felt as thin as the cotton gown that struggled to
cover my still tremoring body and what was left of my dignity and
pride. I made a deal with God. I said I would endure this, but that
someday, somewhere, somehow, He would have to use this redemptively in
my life.
It is not necessarily true that time heals
all wounds, and there is always more darkness before the dawn. As a
writer, I did use my words in a protected setting to pour out all of the
rawness and purge the infected lacerations that covered my soul. God
was gracious, and did give me puddles of grace in a desert of pain. But
it was, and has been, a long road to healing. When the cuts heal over
and you are left with a scarred body, you have to learn to live with the
"new you". You have to learn to love yourself again and see the beauty
in the courage that lies behind your battle marks.
For me the biggest challenge was to wake up
two and a half years into the healing process, and realize that I was no
longer grieving a baby but something else. In the meantime, I had born
another precious daughter, and while I reveled in this grace, I still
had none for myself. I wasn't mourning for a lost child, I was mourning
for me. I can only share the truth of my story, and cannot speak for
others who have suffered this, but this singular event of being
unsuccessful in carrying a child had the power to complete replace the
lens through which I viewed the world and my place in it. Every
negative thing, and even some of the positive things which happened
where overshadowed by my feelings that I was a failure and that I was
worth abandoning.
When I repeatedly hid from my life by
collapsing into the sound and steam of a running shower, I knew I had
hit rock bottom and needed to let God do His thing. I needed to fully
surrender the mystery of what I could not understand. I needed to get
on my knees at an altar, at the place where this horrific event unfolded
and call out the lies shaping me and shaking me. I needed to be free.
I needed to say to the powers of both darkness and light that "this
will not define me anymore." Sometimes, the truth is just sitting there
waiting to be spoken, so that it can be made known.
I share all this in the hopes that it
somewhere, somehow will strike a chord with someone who has
unfortunately shared this journey, or also to give perspective to those
who have family members and friends who have dealt with this and aren't
sure what they should do about it. One of the worst things was hearing
people say, "Oh so and so went through this, but they weren't sure if
they should talk to you about it." Ummm..yes! If we as women (and men)
have known this, we should share it. I have talked to other women who
have gone through miscarriages and stillbirths, and the conversation is
usually prefaced or concluded with the lament that "this is just
something we women aren't very good at talking to each other about." I
can only speculate as to why this might be, but I think we are afraid of
the differences in our grieving process. For me, it was always, "why
is this affecting me so much? Shouldn't I be over it by now?" For
others it might be, "I'm over this, was it too easy of a process? Is
there something wrong? Should I feel more?". We need to respect the
differences in our grieving process, but we should also not be afraid of
them. Or our tears. Or our feelings of failure.
For those who have not personally
experienced it, and aren't sure what to do with those who have, I can
only share my thoughts from my encounter. What I say is not
prescriptive for everyone, but it might shed some light on the
situation.
Re: I wanted to share this. Very long and warning that it is about coping with a loss
And for those who are looking to be a friend to someone in this situation, I know it's hard. I have friends and family navigating other health issues and struggles and I wish I had someone to tell me what I need to do to be there for them in their special need. I know, whatever the condition, that there is no one formula that will help in all situations. What did I need? Acknowledgement (and sometimes continuing acknowledgement) of what happened, grace and space to find my way through it, and the small things that we all can do to comfort someone in grief to let them know we care and value them, and value the life that they have lost- cards simply signed, flowers, dinner, hugs, and prayers. Lots of prayers.
Mom of 2 monkeys and 1 on the way!
Christian12/06, Liam 08/12, Monkey #3 10/10
Thank you for sharing this.
This past week a girl in my office, my maternity leave temp, had the 1 year anniversary to her daughters birthday who had died of a brain bleed a week after birth. She was the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not only did she sign up to work a mat leave not even 5 months after this happened to her, she watched me grow daily and now see Landen all the time.
I wanted so badly to do something for her that let her know I was there, but I was so scared to remind her of the past. I would love to share this with her and let her know I am always here for her, even though I may not always have the right words to say. Do you have a link to her blog?
here is a link to her post:
https://mycountrymanse.blogspot.ca/2013/01/thoughts-for-thursday-it-was-four-years.html
DS #1 Born: 10/03/06, DS #2 Born: 08/06/12 My Cooking Blog
We have an August mama who had a late loss (LoveofMikesLife) and my heart breaks for her anytime I hear about any baby that was unfortunately taken from this world far too early.
This is such a terrible, terrible thing to have to deal with and I just cannot imagine. We truly are lucky to have or LOs and all need to remember that through all of the crying, holding while rocking, and lack of time for anything non-baby related, that we all are extremely lucky.
SCANDAL!