I'm almost embarrassed to be on this board. I was scared to even come in. I'm almost embarrassed all around at the feelings I am having. They are interfering with my relationship with others, especially dh. I'm almost 10 months pp, and for the most part... I feel frustrated at the drop of a hat, overwhelmed, nervous and anxious if dd's schedule doesn't go as planned. Anything, especially dd sleeping (which she is a great one, but does have hiccups some nights) If I put her down, and she wakes up, I instantly get anxious and worked up and have taken it all out on dh. I'm scared to even talk to him about it, let alone talk to anyone else... for fear it will make me feel like a failure of some sorts.
We are all human, we all need sleep. And while I realize I have had a really really lucky go at sleep, with the exception of some days, I panic when she doesn't sleep and I become angry, and very very irritable and it lasts. This makes me take it out on dh and things escalate and we fight. I feel like because i'm a mom now, I should just have this button that gets automatically pushed and i'm supposed to not care about sleep and just be so happy and bubbly even when dd can't sleep herself. This is unrealistic. I had a rough delivery (in my eyes) and had a csection, and ended up with pp pre eclampsia and high blood pressure and this hit me like a ton of bricks. I've never had to deal with something like that before and i think about it ALL the time. and worry about the next time around.
Some days I just feel like, maybe its because i've been off work for so long and kinda out of the adult loop. But that being said, I find reasons wrong with everyone and therefore am not very social. Going back to work in a few months I feel sick to my stomach, and every minute that passes I feel worried and anxious about it. How can I leave her behind like that. When will I see her, one two hours a day? not enough.
I just don't know what to do and how to go back to feeling normal. I love my daughter so soooo unbelievably much. But I also feel like my whole life has flipped upside down and changed. I live by her schedule and wish I was a bit more flexible. Is this PPD? what should I do.