unsure.

silvie25mar

I'm almost embarrassed to be on this board.  I was scared to even come in.  I'm almost embarrassed all around at the feelings I am having.  They are interfering with my relationship with others, especially dh.   I'm almost 10 months pp, and for the most part... I feel frustrated at the drop of a hat, overwhelmed, nervous and anxious if dd's schedule doesn't go as planned.  Anything, especially dd sleeping (which she is a great one, but does have hiccups some nights) If I put her down, and she wakes up, I instantly get anxious and worked up and have taken it all out on dh.     I'm scared to even talk to him about it, let alone talk to anyone else... for fear it will make me feel like a failure of some sorts.

We are all human, we all need sleep. And while I realize I have had a really really lucky go at sleep, with the exception of some days, I panic when she doesn't sleep and I become angry, and very very irritable and it lasts.   This makes me take it out on dh and things escalate and we fight.  I feel like because i'm a mom now, I should just have this button that gets automatically pushed and i'm supposed to not care about sleep and just be so happy and bubbly even when dd can't sleep herself.   This is unrealistic.  I had a rough delivery (in my eyes) and had a csection, and ended up with pp pre eclampsia and high blood pressure and this hit me like a ton of bricks. I've never had to deal with something like that before and i think about it ALL the time. and worry about the next time around.

Some days I just feel like, maybe its because i've been off work for so long and kinda out of the adult loop.  But that being said, I find reasons wrong with everyone and therefore am not very social. Going back to work in a few months I feel sick to my stomach, and every minute that passes I feel worried and anxious about it. How can I leave her behind like that.  When will I see her, one two hours a day? not enough. 

 I just don't know what to do and how to go back to feeling normal.   I love my daughter so soooo unbelievably much. But I also feel like my whole life has flipped upside down and changed. I live by her schedule and wish I was a bit more flexible.    Is this PPD? what should I do.  

Shema N

Wow it sounds like you?re talking about me! I have the same exact issues. And my baby seems like he barely sleeps. At 8 weeks he is still feeding every 2-3 hours. And going back to work tops my list of anxieties. You?re SOOOO lucky that you got 10 months off! That?s amazing. I?ll have to go back when my baby is 4 months old. I work in a very toxic environment and often am stuck working late into the evenings. So I feel even the short time I have off is dominated with concern over how I?m going to manage being sleep deprived, dealing with a tremendous workload, and trying to find time for LO...

silvie25mar

You're right.  I couldn't imagine being in the US and having a baby and having to go back when they are like 2 months. Believe it or not, when DD was 2 months I thought about that constantly.  I feel horrible for you too.  I would multiply my anxiety and stress by a million if I had to go back then.  I'm sure it gets better but honestly....sigh. I just don't know.  Nobody seems to understand, and people giggle sometimes and say ahh you'll be fine.   some days I just think... NO I WON'T BE.   But then I kinda take a step back and think... i'm being dramatic.  I just feel jealous that somebody else will have that time with dd.

Shema N

You mentioned you?d feel jealous about someone else having all that time with LO. I feel the same way only I spend more time worrying that he won?t be taken care of properly b/c he is so incredibly fussy. I?m his mother so I keep thinking no one will be as patient with him as I am. He cries a lot and I do so much to soothe him - rock him, talk to him, gently stroke his head, etc. If someone else were dealing with him, I worry that they would just ignore him. I obsess about this and it makes me more depressed and just breaks my heart. It?s so unfair that I have to be torn away from him so early in his life.

silvie25mar

I am right up there with you.  I stress over people babysitting her (which doesn't happen often) and I worry that they aren't going to take care of her the way I do.  I have good days and bad days.... I got the guts to reach out to the hospital that I delivered at and they have some support groups.  I'm nervous about it and have no idea what to expect.