one visit per month

catchafallingstar76 · January 2013

I'm just curious here, how many of you APs would be up for a visit per month? babies change so much and that way they'd never forget me as their mom too.

maryoosa · January 2013

As an AP, unless the birth mom lived really really close to me, I'd have to say no. I'd send pictures and text and stuff like that, but my partner and I have a very very full life, with a very full family and we'd want that to be the child's primary experience.

I think that if you match with the right family there are lots of ways that they can ensure that their child doesn't forget that you are the birth mother, but I think you may want to talk to a counselor because my understanding is that even if you see the child frequently, he/she is maybe not going to think about you as "mom" in the same way that they think of their adoptive parent as mom. And if that's something that's eating at you, then you should try to investigate that a little further before you make an adoption plan.

IRR · January 2013

Even if I lived within an hour of a BM, I would not agree to once a month visits either. One of my DH's biggest fears is that he would be "babysitting" someone else's child and any BM that would want monthly visits would not be a good match for us. Also, that is asking the AP's to a huge commitment which is not necessarily in the best interest of the child. We don't even see our own parents once a month on average. I agree with PP if this is something that is must have for you, perhaps you really need to think long and hard about making an adoption plan.

Dr.Loretta · January 2013

I don't think we would have been open to that much contact, at least first going into it. While we'd love to see DD's birthfamily more than we do now, I don't think either of us wanted that much contact. Maybe once we got to know each other, but certainly not right out of the gate.

And distance plays a role too. how long would this agreement be in effect? What if the APs moved? What if you moved?

It may be that you find some PAPs who are open to fairly frequent visits, and you guys work out a frequent schedule. But I think it's hard to have that expectation without having certain people in mind, or having not met them.

jenjen930 · January 2013

There is just no way I could commit to this. It would be a huge demand on my time, especially with a new baby. I think this is a bit unreasonable to ask of an adoptive parent.

I would be happy to send pictures and updates once a month, especially in the first year. I know that the baby will change a lot each month that first year. But that is honestly the best I would be able to commit to.

Ginny0211 · January 2013

I have heard of birthparents living just minutes away and seeing their birthchild that often because they shop at the same grocery store etc and they just have a very close relationship with the APs, but this is EXTREMELY rare. I'm not an adoptive parent, but as a parent, I would of not wanted to give that commitment to anyone. I don't even get to see some of my siblings that much.

It is very hard to give up parenting your baby and know you will miss all those milestones but through visits and pictures combined you can still see your birthchild grow and know he/she is doing well and thriving. At one visit they might be barely rolling over and at the next they might be walking and maybe even talking. It can be hard, but after the toddler years it doesn't seem to be that drastic of a change each time you see them. The first year was VERY hard for me. Visits were very bitter sweet, but over time it got easier and now visits are nothing, but a joy. I am just so happy to see him happy and doing well. We see my birthson a couple times a year now and he knows who I am. We're like his extended family. If you do an adoption you're birthchild will not bond with you just like he/she bonds with their parents. That is a special child/ parent relationship and you wouldn't want to tread on that. If you're a birthmom, you're not mom, BUT you can still have a special bond with your birthchild. It is hard to explain. I feel kinda like an aunt, but more than that at the same time. I'm kinda like an aunt since I now see him about as often as I use to see my aunts and would of course never try to parent him in any way, but i'm also different than an aunt because he will always be that little baby to me that did karate kicks to my ribs and side .

If you're worried about your birthchild not knowing who you are, you could think of it this way, many children only see their grandparents or aunts/uncles a few times a year, sometimes less, but still are very close to them. I only saw my grandparents once or twice a year and I loved them dearly.

To give one example of visit frequency, we visited more in the first couple years and then dropped to a couple times a year after that. The first visit was at 2 weeks and the next was around 3-4 months and so on. We probably visited about 5 times the first year and 4-5 times the next year.

So sorry you are facing this decision. I know how hard of one it is to make.

missmolly511 · January 2013

For me that would absolutely be too much contact. And your baby will never ever forget about you, but you have to understand that you won't be his or her mom. If you want to be the mom, adoption may not be the best choice for you. GL.

silliestbunny · January 2013

We always said it's dependent on who the birth mom is.... could we integrate into each others lives in a way that was healthy and happy for all? Did our personalities mesh in a way that frequent visits would be a positive thing? If so, we'd be okay. If it was a destructive personality, we would not be okay (obvious).

Foster1Mom · January 2013

I do not want to see some family members that often. I would never be able to commit to that personally.

tinystormcloud · January 2013

Just to put another perspective out there, we meet with our child's first parents about once every 1-2 months and love it. In the beginning, we met about once a week for the first couple months and then things slowed down a little. We are local, which makes a *huge* difference since visiting doesn't really involve travel. We haven't committed to visits this frequent and probably wouldn't because there will be times that it just doesn't work out that way (we've committed to 3 visits per year, but I can't imagine doing less than 6 even in the busiest years assuming that nobody moves). Our child's first parents and us agreed prior to birth on an ideal visit frequency and a minimum visit frequency to make sure we had the same vision. That gives us a lot of flexibility to acknowledge that we might not always be able to meet our ideal, but that there is a minimum we will commit to. So there are definitely APs who would be not just "up for" but genuinely grateful for monthly visits even if we might be less common.

bumpuser794640 · January 2013

My DH and I would be open to monthly visits if they were local we live in a large metro area, so that would be within an hour or so probably. I don't think we'd want it set in stone, because everyone is busy and things come up sometimes. We would love for our future child to really get to know their birth family, and we're willing to do a lot to make that a reality.

kmkaull2 · January 2013

Initially, we had very loose guidelines about how many visits our son's birth mom would have with us. She did see him about once a month for the first 9-12 months. She was very respectful of us as the parents.

Over time, as she moved through the grieving process, she seemed to need less contact. She knew her son was loved and part of our family/community. She also moved on with her life a bit.

I think it can be healthy and fine for all involved if everyone has a clear understanding of the boundaries. Every adoption is different, and if this is what you and the AP agree upon, you can make it work.

MagickalNarwhal · January 2013

I forget what our "official" agreement was, I think it was 6 visits a year for the first two years. But it's ended up being at least once a month and I'm great with that. We chose a local agency specifically because we wanted a very open adoption though, and our son's birth parents live maybe 5 miles away.

I probably would NOT have agreed to a visit a month until age 18 though, or even beyond the first two years, because of logistical issues though. That's a huge commitment and unless his birth parents move out of state, it would have been our responsibility to come to them. As of now I think it drops to two visits a year in year 3.

And, I am not sure that a set number of visits is the best way to facilitate your child knowing you. It woulf weed out people who are definitely NOT interested in a fair amount of openness, but it would probably serve you, your child and the APs better to agree to develop a loving and respectful friendship, in which you want to be a part of each others; lives. I'm not articulating this well because I have to run out the door, but maybe I can write more later!

steph196 · January 2013

That's how we have been with LO's BM. If we don't get together once a month, it is every other month. We love it because she is part of our family and we love spending time with her.

mom2one · January 2013

There was a time when I thought I would commit to that with DD's birthmom, but now I will not commit to even one visit a year. Things change and the needs of your child can change. It's difficult to commit to an 18+ year relationship with a guarantee of 12 visits a year..

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

catchafallingstar76:
I'm just curious here, how many of you APs would be up for a visit per month? babies change so much and that way they'd never forget me as their mom too.

That's the agreement we have with our AP. Though we are very very close with them and always call me her mom and call her "our daughter", pertaining to the AP and FI and I. We also live 20 minutes away, which is a big factor

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