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2nd Trimester
Husband frustrations and pregnancy
Maybe I'm not the only one out there but my husband is getting so frustrated because I want to sleep a lot and when I get wore out doing the simpliest things around the house. He claims "I won't do any more than you do around here." I mean laundry hasn't been done in over 3 weeks because it takes so much for me to just get it off the bedroom floor and out the door to the laundry mat. Dishes haven't been done in over a month...we've been eating out of tupperware bowls. There is dirt on the carpet and papers everywhere from mail and he hasn't had a job in 2 months. Seriously he makes me feel guilty for not cleaning up the house and working a full time job! I know this is my first pregnancy and I'm only 16 weeks along but when I get up in the morning I don't have the energy to do much until I eat, and get hydrated for the day and then it's out the door to work. Yes, if I ask him to get me some food from the kitchen he usually does it when I don't feel good but makes a huge deal out of it like I'm asking him to run a marathon for me. He makes me feel like a terrible person on top of already physically not feeling good. I'm so frustrated. Is there anyone out there with any advice as to help him see differently without sparking another fight?! Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But since I've been pregnant it's been hell. Please help!
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Re: Husband frustrations and pregnancy
BFP #2: due 6/30/2017, MMC found 12/7/2016
BFP #3: due 10/21/2018
All I have to say is you are only going to feel worse. Pregnancy does not get easier over the next coming weeks/months. If he isn't helping you NOW. I can only imagine when your back aches and feet are swollen and your carrying all the extra weight.
You have WAYYYYYYYY more tolerance for his laziness then I would. My SO doesn't make me lift a finger. Drives me 15 miles to work and picks me up from work so I can not relate.
No one here knows your DH so how can we advise on how to approach it? My advice would have been to NOT do any of the work and eventually the dirtiness would get to him. Looks like you have already done that and your slob of a H doesn't mind living in utter filth! I can only imagine how dirty it will get once there's throw up stains on clothes, sour milk smells, poopy diapers lying around.
Sounds like you need a real PARTNER.
GL with that!
Wait, what?
I'm sorry. I get being tired, but no one is so tired they live in a trash dump. Clean your house. Clutter is one thing, but dirt and moldy food-NO. That's just gross. You are both gross.
I have asked DH to help more than usual, but when he is OOT like he is now, I still manage to wash the dish I used that day. And I still manage to change my daughter's diaper regularly and feed her properly. There are just some things you have to do, tired or not.
Also, this won't get better once the baby is here, so I would suggest getting used to it and learning to get the basics done when in a zombie state.
Why should SHE clean the house when she is pregnant and works full time when her H clearly sits around all day doing nothing?
When my H was laid of years ago, he did all of the groceries, laundry, a lot of the cleaning and most of the cooking. Because I was at work all day and that is what an equal partner does. I wouldn't tolerate anything otherwise. Marriage is 50/50. If he's not working, he needs to be contributing in other ways.
Why? Because it is gross. I am not saying he shouldn't help more, but I could not live like that. That's gross. I might mutter and complain, but that won't make me leave dishes in the sink for a month. Did anyone read the post? So, he's a lazy slob. I am sure this is not news.
My sister's husband is a lazy slob who rarely works. She works full time, has three kids and guess what, she does the dishes. It's what she signed up for when she married a dead beat. I would guess the same of the OP. Sometimes life isn't fair.
Maybe they should get a divorce. One thing they should not do is live in filth.
I get it. I'm a neat freak too and could not live in filth. But I'd seriously be re-evaluating my relationship if my husband expected me to clean the house when he did nothing and was at home all day. Sorry, but that is not acceptable in any marriage and the OP deserves better.
I know pep's post might get some side eyes but the fact of the matter is, people don't morph into selfish, lazy, dirty SOBs overnight. OP has two choices. Duke it out with the H over his behavior or clean something. If I had to clean up after his non working ass, he'd likely be a non-working HOMELESS ass but at least then I'd only have to clean up after myself.
true that.
Like I said, not saying she doesn't. Just saying, I don't care how tired you are or how unfair it is, dirty dishes in the sink for a month is gross. FFS, is she going to raise her child in a filthy home because her husband is a lazy slob. Sometimes you just have to do things.
And if she does reevaluate her relationship she will still be doing everything. So, I guess she has to decide. Do the house work and complain about her lazy husband or do the house work and complain about being a single mom. Either way she has to clean the house. You can't make another person do your bidding.
I'm with you on this. This is disgusting. I don't care how tired you are, you get up and clean your house. Lazy husband or not, there is no excuse for this. If you're feeling this poorly, perhaps you need to speak to your doctor.
Sure, he should be doing more around the house and it sounds like he needs a serious wake-up call. If he's not working, he has an obligation to put in some time cleaning, doing laundry, etc. But that does not excuse a grown woman from all household responsibility.
And I also hate the throw down the STM card but being lazy is just not a luxury afforded to people other than FTMs. And believe me, I remember taking full advantage of being exhausted the first time around. It felt all consuming. But it's not because this time I'm exhausted and feel gross and my son has to eat, be entertained, bathed and have clean clothes. You just do it.
ETA - I want to clarify that I do not think all FTMs are lazy lol I re-read that and thought it came across badly. I'm just saying that if you think you're wiped now, OP, it gets worse because you just CAN'T be lazy once a kid is involved.
Though, I think that if you work and he does not, he should carry more of the weight with regard to housework. That's just him being lazy!!!
I just don't understand how you can tell someone that maybe they should get divorced.
THANK YOU!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
And what is this "help" bullshizz? HELP?! I wonder if you're also one of those people who think the men "babysit" their own kids.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
LOL! No, I just didn't marry a lazy slob.
Are you all telling me that if your husbands just didn't do anything you'd let the house rot? Really? I am glad I am not your neighbor.
Well, if your husband isn't doing anythign and is that disgusting that he lets the dishes sit for a month and it is that important to you that he do them that you let them sit there for a month, there is definitely something wrong in the relationship and it isn't just the husband.
I am really floored. If she were cleaning the house and saying, "Dammit, my husband really needs to pick up the slack" I'd be on her side. But the fact that she is sitting in filth suggests some serious issues on both of their parts.
Really, just GROSS.
First off, your husband is a douche, but I would be surprised if this immature just popped up when you became pregnant.
I'm going to have to agree with PP that mentioned that you have the luxury of being tired being a FTM. Buck up, do a little something every day and it sounds like your husband has agreed to do the same.
I have so many questions like who has that many dishes, and where have they been for the past month?
Make a pregnancy ticker
I am a FTM with a wonderfully supportive husband. However, I still get up every morning to hike with my dog, work 40 hours a week outside of the home and I keep my house clean. My husband helps with everything I ask...and yes there are days where dinner frozen lasaguna...or take out but everything still gets done. I get that you're exhasuted...I do (I am 18 weeks along and get tired all of the time). Some days I wonder how the hell I am getting back to my car when I am half way through the hike with my dog...but I get there...you can do this. Obviously your husband shouldn't be such a loser, however that is what it is. You need to step up and get it done. You may find yourself crying through it from exhaustion but you will get through it...you have to.
You'll start to feel better once you start getting the house in order...even try starting in 1 room on your day off (I strongly suggest kitchen and bathrooms first!) Call a friend if you need to, or a family member for some help if you are so exhausted. Pregnancy is exhausting however women have been going through this for centuries and you can do this to.
This. MH works construction so he is laid off for the winter. He knows that, while he is home and I am working, it is expected that he do a majority of the housework. Just like when I am home after the baby comes, most of it will land on me. Regardless of whether you are tired from pregnancy or not, your H should be taking some of the household responsibilities. I think you and your H should have a discussion about the expectations and what he would expect from you if the roles were reversed.
I can't and don't ever want to imagine being married to someone like that and I am so so so sorry that you have to deal with that, especially now. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and help you out....what you have to deal with now is just a gem in comparison to all the work that will come with having a baby. Tell him you can't, and won't, do it all.
Couple of ideas... Call your mom or his and ask for help. Moms are very sympathetic (because they've been there) and they love you and love to help. Not only will you get caught up on house stuff, you'll feel better in your living environment, and your husband should feel guilty for not supporting you by helping out.
Second, talk to you doctor privately and then bring your husband to the next appointment and have your doctor stress that the husband should be helping because of how tired you are growing the baby.
PS good for you for being so understanding. If it were me, and my hubby was unemployed AND not helping out at home AND giving me a hard time about it...he would probably get a good swift kick in the junk and told to smarten the hell up.
I agree its gross but it sounds like the need a sit down come to Jesus meeting about her expectations for him to help her while he isn't working but not divorce!
What?? When there is trouble at home call his mom to clean up after him? NO. And no points for "being understanding" from me.
You made the mess together, clean it up together. Then make a joint chore plan for life.
1 your husband is lazy. If I worked all day and he was at home, there better be something accomplished around the house. Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post but this usxwhatvit sounds like to me.
2 I get being tired. Lord knows I'm exhausted. I have 2 kids already and am constantly cleaning or picking up something. But really? Dishes haven't been done in a month!!? That us disgusting. Its a rare occasion in our house that they aren't done after every meal.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're not really going to get less tired. When that baby is born, the workload is going to more than double. You think you're tired now? I get it. I do. But at least you have the option of going to bed without a baby waking you. And you can eat when you're hungry now but eventually what you want won't matter the most and you will have to find some way to get it done. Ideally, your husband should be helping you with this or doing most of it if he's not working? No?
Anyway. That's just my honest take on it. Good luck.
When he starts making a baby inside his tummy and working a full-time job, maybe he can talk. How in blazes do you put up with it? It looks like you need to put your foot down; what's he going to be like when there's an infant to care for? Will you tolerate living in a pigsty then?
This, especially the part about "you just do it". Suck it up, clean your filthy house and make a decision about whether your husband is going to be able to help/support you when it comes time for baby.
This. If you think you're tired now, just wait until you are waking up every hour to feed or change a dirty diaper.
And like PPs mentioned, there's no excuse for living in filth. Yeah, your SO could pitch in, but obviously he's not, so get over yourself and clean it yourself. When I was pregnant with DS I worked over 40hours a week and still managed to keep my house clean, while DH worked over 40 hours too. Then after DS was born and I went back to work I continued to keep my house clean. You just manage to get done what you need to. What are you going to do once LO is here? You'll have more than just yourself and your SO to clean up after.
Um you are working and creating a life...so right there that sounds like he's not doing his equal share. If it's like this now, while you're pregnant, what's it going to be like when the baby is born? He needs to man up, roll up his sleeves, and do some laundry and dishes because this is just the beginning. Does he expect you to change all the diapers, even though you're working? What does he do all day?
If I were you I would try to seek counseling, it sounds like he really needs to grow up. Further, it can't be safe for you or your baby to be around what sounds like a lot of filth. Don't let him make you feel bad for asking him to help out around the house, although some guys might not think housework is "manly" sitting on his ass all day is a lot less manly.
"I just don't understand how you can tell someone that maybe they should get divorced."
Thank you...that's kind of what I was thinking. Almost like "who are you to judge my relationship" when I asked for advice on how to talk to him about this with sparking yet another stressful fight. But maybe I see if differently.