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Pregnant after 35
NetPetal
member
First pregnancy at 40 & stressed about people's reactions
NetPetal
member
I'm turning 40 soon and this is our first pregnancy. It has been a very long journey through infertility for us.
Since we're still in the first trimester we haven't shared our joyful news yet. When we do starting telling people I'm fully expecting the reactions to range from complete happiness to complete disapproval because of our age.
I'm looking for some advice on what to say to those who react at the negative end of the spectrum. I know I'm not going to change these people's minds about our situation and that does not bother me. I'm just not good on my feet and need some prepared responses.
What did you say when someone expressed disapproval over your decision to become a parent so late in life?
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Re: First pregnancy at 40 & stressed about people's reactions
I only had one negative comment about it. It was more along the lines of "why would you want this when everyone else's kids are at the stage they can take care of themselves and now you're gonna be stuck at home with a baby." I responded with a "no my life is not over, I'm starting it all over again!'
Other than that, everyone was and is so excited for me cause they all know I wanted 2 children.
Don't go borrowing trouble. I bet people will be thrilled for you. Many people have said something like, "You're going to be a great parent. You're old enough to have your priorities straight." I haven't gotten any negative comments at all. The closest one was someone saying, "Oh God, if I had a baby now I'd FREAK," but she is a good 5-10 years older than I am. My standard head-them-off-at-the-pass remark is "Better late than never," delivered with a smile.
I think you will be surprised how supportive people are.
Over-40 parents...what we lack in vigor, we make up for with cunning.
This. I live in Manhattan and 40 something mothers are very common. In fact, in the last three years we've had three mothers on my floor give birth and all were FTMs 42 and over. At 37, I'm going to be the youngest mom on the floor! Even if people don't have positive comments, don't let them steal your joy. Congrats!
Since you're a FTM, I highly doubt you'll get very many negative comments. People will be happy for you! However, I have a 14 year old, and 12 year old, and am now pregnant at 42 with a surprise LO! I have received many negative comments....."Are you serious?", "Was this planned?", outright laughter thinking it was a joke, you name it. I felt like the butt of every joke for those first 2-3 weeks after announcing. I even had other 40ish moms tell me, "I'm glad it's you and not me. DH really needs to get that taken care of. Thanks for reminding me."
You can't change other people's reactions, you can only control how you react to them. My response was always, "yes, it was a surprise but we are very happy." The snide remarks have worn off and these same people are now wanting to throw me a shower and are very excited. A lot of people speak before they think. Don't let them rain on your parade. Even if their initial reaction isn't positive, they'l come around if they really are your friends.
**DD1 - 7/9/98**
**DS - 11/9/00**
**DD2 - 4/30/13**
I was 36 when we got married, had some major life and family stuff the first year, started trying 18 months into our marriage.
Everyone has been really happy excited!
My sister has a friend who had her second at 46!! It had taken her years to have her first at 42, and that was with fertility treatments. Number two was a complete surprise.
BFP #1 5/27/12- m/c 7/9/12 @ 10w2d (cytotec induced @11w).
Fibroids, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
BFP #2 11/18/12 EDD 7/27/13
Congrats to you
I am 38 yrs old and FTM....this seems to be the comment I hear a lot. I think that for many years I used the "I don't want kids" phrase to get out of the "When are you going to have kids" conversation....does that make sense?
Most of my friends and family all had children MUCH younger and I was never in a place where I wanted kids during that time. Of course, my little one was NOT planned....but I have fallen in love with this beautiful amazing baby growing inside me
Make a pregnancy ticker
It is good to hear that the vast majority of responses were positive. I certainly hope we will experience the same!
And just to clarify: despite the fact that older moms is a growing trend overall, it isn't in the area where we live. I will be part of a very small minority.
Most of the folks have been happy for me, though. A baby is a beautiful gift, when it is clear it is wanted and will be loved and well cared-for-- which I can do, now that I have my career, house, and husband all sorted out!
<br /> My Ovulation Chart</a>
You know, other than being immediately sent to a perinatologist rather than an OB by my medical practice, I don't think I ever had a 'negative' (I mean, being prepared isn't really negative) reaction about my age. In fact, I had a few people ask when we'd be having our next kid, and I was 40 when LO was born and my DH was 45!
It does help that thanks to great genes and a life-long avoidance of sunlight, I look younger than my age, but not by that much.
If anyone does express disapproval, I have found that generally the best thing to do is not to say anything. Just stare at them for a long moment and then turn and walk away. If you must say something, the following cutting remarks are always good:
"I fail to see how it's any of your business."
"Congratulations on your perfection. The rest of us on planet mortal sometimes have to deal with lives less perfect than yours."
"Seriously, did you just say that? Because that is just unbelievably rude."
"They have a term for you: Concern troll."
"Go take your self righteous *bleep* somewhere else."
Or, you know, take a lesson from our first lady!
Like everyone else, I expected negative reactions. I did not get any. A few people did say to me that they thought that we did not want children only because we have been married for so long. I have used it as an opportunity to educate people about IF. Many people just don't know about the struggles that some of us have had to face. I have had people say, well we have problems too, it took us a whole year to get pregnant. I am very open and when I explain my multiple surgeries, multiple IF treatments, and multiple years of effort plus the $60k they are usually surprised that I have gone through everything that I have. when I explain that others have done the same and have gone through more than me they are usually surprised.
Not everyone is comfortable sharing their IF journey. If you are not you could say something like "I guess God decided that it was our time".
BFP #2 - 7/1/12 - Met my lucky charm Alexandra on 3-16-13!!!
This!
BFP #2 - 7/1/12 - Met my lucky charm Alexandra on 3-16-13!!!
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
I am expecting #2 at the age of 40 and have NEVER had a negative comment! I can't even imagine somebody thinking that would be OK!!
I don't know what I would do if anybody made a comment, but it would not be pretty!
I am 41 and pregnant with my first, but the only thing I get questions about is being single. My close family and friends are very supportive, but somehow strangers feel free to ask me if I'm married when they don't see a ring on my finger. One woman I had just met assumed I had Invitro, since I'm single. I live in an extremely religious area where most are pretty conservative. It's pathetic. The next time someone asks me if I'm married, I'll tell them that I have 4 husbands, and don't know who the father is. I'm sure that will shut them up! I know my baby will be provided for and very loved, so everything else is obselete.