Bi-racial LO on the way

fivefeetsmall · January 2013

Hi all,

I'm mostly a lurker and truthfully not certain where to even post this, but this board is very supportive and falls closest in line to how I want to parent. If there is another board I should post this on I'm not aware so I apologize if so. Here goes:

I'm white and the father (who will not be in the picture by his choice) is African-American. My family (aside from immediate family) wasn't too thrilled by my choice of co-creator (mostly because of race). There were many comments made early on about how my 1st Tri was harder because I "mixed races" and that I deserved it for that reason. Yes, that was really said. That particular person has since been isolated by immediate family. I have to live at home right now due to complications in my pregnancy and having to quit my job. My immediate family has said multiple times that they are not racist and are super excited to welcome my LO to the family, however sometimes "little" things to them slip out. For example: The president will be on tv and my Dad will yell things at the tv like "someone ought to just shoot the n word". My little sister will sometimes tell black jokes and everyone will laugh. I'm really uncomfortable with this for many reasons. 1.) I just don't share the sentiment or find it funny, never have. 2.) I want my child to have a healthy image of herself from day one and let her develop her own thoughts about being bi-racial. I don't want things being planted in her head. 3.) I don't want her to use that kind of language directed at anyone for their race. 4.) It's just flat rude.

When I get upset they have made comments that I need to "get over it", "realize that she's gonna hear this stuff all around her", and "that it isn't directed at her". I disagree with all of this. Perhaps she will hear racial slurs, but I'd prefer it not be from the mouths of her own family and the people who should love her.

Am I being too sensitive? Is there some other method I should try? Is there another board regarding this or is there a way to get one created?

*Also going to post in Blended Families, just to see if I get any traction there.

sugarbear0524 · January 2013

No, you're not being too sensitive. They are really using totally inappropriate, racist language. I do think it's sad that another African American man is "not in the picture by his choice". This seems to be rampant. More than half of African American children grow up without their dads.

ncbelle · January 2013

Sorry you are dealing with this mama Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would have a heart to heart with my family about their language and attitude - you are right, your daughter doesn't deserve to grow up around anyone, particularly family, who harbors those attitudes or voices them. Not sure if you are in a position to do this but I'd have to tell them "change your attitudes or you are not in our lives".

My hunch is that your family truly doesn't see what they are doing as racist - that doesn't make it right but it may help approaching the situation ..."I know you don't mean to sound racist but..."

Never be afraid to stand firm for your child, even if it means going against family. Of course your situation is tougher since you are having to lean on them at the moment. Even so, I think it's important to have that tough conversation (which can be done diplomatically) - you are not being too sensitive!

TiffanyBerry · January 2013

I do not think you are being too sensitive, and I don't think you're family will stop being racist (they ARE being racist) easily or quickly, even if they do decide to change. But you are (technically) a guest in their house. So, all I can suggest is that you find the resources to move out as quickly as possilbe (even though it may well be after baby is here) and monitor time with family carefully to avoid this sort of thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It's absolutely awful.

BelhurstBride · January 2013

My jaw literally dropped. If it were me I'd inform my family that they will be having little to no contact with your child until they're able to amend their racist ways.

sunkissed7804 · January 2013

I responded on the other board but wanted to make sure you saw my reply...

WHOA!! RED FLAGS ALL AROUND!!

Honey, your family, unfortunately, fails to respect and cherish one of the most wonderful aspects of this world. Diversity.

They are completely disrespecting you AND your unborn daughter. They are toxic. I know they are your blood but that does not give them a free pass to be a part of your and your daughters life.

I do not have a bi-racial child. BUT...I'm speaking from experience. I have cut out 5 siblings and many friends from my childhood/early adulthood because of their sentiments about other races, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc. Once I knew I was having a child, it instantly struck me...my daughter will never be the human being I want her to be surrounded by toxic people who refuse to look beyond their comfy little ignorant bubbles.

Your family is perpetuating hate. It is sad because they are stuck in a destructive cycle. Congrats to you for somehow breaking out of it!!!!! Refuse to let them suck you into that circle. You don't belong there and your daughter doesn't either. It will drain her of all the wonderful things you try to pass on to her: love, acceptance, kindness, confidence, optimism, and worst of all knowledge. Hate takes up room in one's heart, soul, mind. It takes away from all of the beautiful things that human beings have to offer regardless of what they look like.

Think about how you really feel about these people. Perhaps you indeed love them but is that love there because they share your blood? They are the opposite of everything you hold dear and that is so very, very sad. If there is one thing I have learned from 34 years in this world, it is that your family is who you CHOOSE to spend your precious moments, thoughts, feelings, and experiences with. Your kindred circle should be thoughtfully built to surround you and your daughter with support, love, and kindness. It is a circle that grows with you in life. You will find yours, honey!!

I hope I have offered some insight into your situation. I will be thinking about you and sending you well wishes at this very difficult time in your life.

AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY GIRL!!!!! Big Smile

BabyButler2010 · January 2013

First of all, congratulations!

Secondly, I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can't stand racism- and I too have some family members who make racial slurs. It makes me cringe and I honestly don't spend much time with them because we just don't jive.

Anyway- I do think that it is important to try and have an honest conversation about how this makes you feel and why it is wrong for them to say the things they do- maybe even try and be understanding of the fact that they aren't TRYING to be rude and that this might sincerely be a blind spot in their understanding.

I'm not sure that you'll have any luck changing their minds, as at least in my experience, people who harbor these negative racial feelings tend to be ignorant about how wrong it is, but at least you can try.

There is always the possibility too, that when your DD is born, they will also feel offended at these sorts of comments. That is what I'm going to pray for! I hope that when she arrives, they can make a complete turn around with their attitude and maybe even feel how hurtful it is when others make comments....

Have a good rest of your pregnancy hun, and keep your head up. Stick to your guns about not wanting that sort of talk around your DD and maybe remind them that they really will be hurting her if they use that sort of language in front of her...even if it isn't directed toward her. It's like making fun of a fat person and trying to tell your friend/relative whoever in your life that struggles with weight that you weren't talking about them...I'm sure it would still sting.

Sorry for the rambling response

Hugs!

LatteLady5 · January 2013

fredalina:
This is so sad. If nothing else, because the President is half white, just like your daughter, so they really can't say it's not about her. Clearly, it is.
While I suppose a slur COULD "slip out", jokes definitely do not. I don't walk down the street telling knock knock jokes by accident. And I think the slurs show an underlying negativity. But you already know this.
Honestly, I think you need to try to move out. At least by the time LO is a year to a year and a half. At a year they really learn to decode the language. But I'd move sooner if possible.

I would have a heart to heart with them but also understand that they may not change. You need to start saving and planning to move out because that kind of environment is not healthy. I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with this

fivefeetsmall · January 2013

Thank you all for the support and advice. I have had some conversations, but they usually stem from me being upset and end up in an argument. I think timing may be a big part of it. My younger brother has Tourette's Syndrome and I've asked my Mom how it made her feel when people would make jokes about that when he was growing up. She agrees its hurtful so that's a start.
And as far as moving out goes, right at this moment I really truly cannot. However, I have plans for moving when she's about 6 months. This will give me time to work and save. I don't want it to come to me cutting them out of our lives but she is my priority now and I'll do whatever I need to in order to protect her.

BrittKav · January 2013

I would not allow those people to be a part of my child's life. That might sound harsh (I haven't read the other replies yet) but I could not risk them saying something racist in the presence of my daughter. And they are racist, whether they deny it or not.

katiewhompus · January 2013

I am so sorry you are dealing with this It was a big deal to my extended family (who I rarely see) when I married an Asian man and they just about went nuts (in a bad way) when they found out I was pregnant with his child. I informed them that if they could not be supportive of my family or my child they would not be in my life.

Some turned around and have apologized, others I have simply removed from my life.

I think you are very wise to get yourself to a place where you can move away from them and their toxicity. Even if they don't realize/recognize the comments are hurtful, negative, and deplorable, they are not things your LO needs to hear (or repeat).

lisa5201 · January 2013

I have a FIL who makes bigoted and racist remarks and I really try to limit DD's time with him. He isn't a bad person, and he doesn't do it maliciously, he thinks it's funny and it's how he was raised

Thankfully DH, just like you, got out into the wider world and realized that it isn't appropriate/funny/harmless

I don't think, regardless of race, that it's a healthy environment for any kid. You sound smart and capable and getting out on your own sounds like the best thing for a lot of reasons.

I would try to have a heart to heart with your family though, because it sounds like they will be in your life, one family member at a time. When no ones upset. Start with your Dad. Something like "Dad, I know you don't mean to, but sometimes i feel you say things that are racially insensitive and it hurts me for my little girl. I don't want her to feel ashamed about her race, and I know that's not your intention, but I still think It would be very hurtful to her to hear the n word, jokes, or bad things being said about black people. I'd like to have this conversation with you before she's here, so maybe we could start to work on it. I'd really like your help and support with the rest of the family too. Could I count on you to back me up if someone say something rude? I'd really appreciate it."

It may not make any difference at all, but at least you've said your peace, and maybe they will think twice

Lynn07 · January 2013

Yeah, you cannot let your child be exposed to them if they continue to act like that. I am biracial white and AA. I can't even imagine what I would feel about myself if I'd grown up with people in my family saying those kinds of things. Saying the n word is not a little thing to let slip. Depending on where you raise her, it can already be difficult to feel like you "fit in", but if her family is saying things like that, she will be so confused and hurt, and ashamed of who she is. As soon as you can, you need to remove yourself from this situation.

Bumping from my phone, so sorry for any weird formatting.

LadyDelilah · January 2013

My Bilogical father was African American and French Creole. My mother is Hispanic. My father was also not in the picture by choice. Your family isnt acting appropriately. At all. The subject of race shouldnt even be coming up. This is a baby who should be loved for her cute nose, beautiful eyes, dainty feet and NOT the color of her skin. It should not matter. If youre going to teach her to see beyond that she has to see examples of it at home. Even if it isnt directed at her it is directed towards some one and even if your FDD was of Asian heritage your family is showing malice, intollerance and hatred. Put your foot down about it and set the tone NOW before the baby arrives.

Im sorry youre having to worry about this. Please PM me is you'd like to talk more.

elplocho · January 2013

TiffanyBerry:
I do not think you are being too sensitive, and I don't think you're family will stop being racist (they ARE being racist) easily or quickly, even if they do decide to change. But you are (technically) a guest in their house. So, all I can suggest is that you find the resources to move out as quickly as possilbe (even though it may well be after baby is here) and monitor time with family carefully to avoid this sort of thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It's absolutely awful.

This. I also agree with several pp's that you need to move out soon, and I was happy to read that you plan to when your baby is about 6 months. I worry that they'll say things that are negative sneakily and frequently. Good luck, I really hope things work out for you.

ccamp93 · January 2013

Your not being too sensitive. This is your child, you will be the mother which means you get the right to decide what can and cannot be said around your child. If you find what anyone has to say to be inappropriate you have that right to ask them not to talk like that around your child or they will not be welcomed near your child. I wont be allowing my parents around my child if they are going to have heated battles right there in the living room or disrespect me and I wont be allowing my siblings to be giving attitude to me in front of my child either. These things, I feel as a parent, will not be healthy for my child and I'd rather my child not be so hot heated as the rest of my family members. I want him to be gentle and kind and strong.

PunkyBooster · January 2013

No, you aren't being sensitive. I think that is inappropriate and you are right to stand up for your baby and advocate for her.

Merried_2008 · January 2013

You are NOT being too sensitive. My sisters are mixed and two of the loveliest girls I've ever know. Love your baby with everything you've got and tell your family how you feel.

Also once LO gets here I bet things will change for the better.

dande2129 · January 2013

fivefeetsmall:
My immediate family has said multiple times that they are not racist and are super excited to welcome my LO to the family, however sometimes "little" things to them slip out. For example: The president will be on tv and my Dad will yell things at the tv like "someone ought to just shoot the n word". My little sister will sometimes tell black jokes and everyone will laugh.

They say that they aren't racist, but they participate in the behavior. Therefore, simply by saying, "I'm not racist" does not erase the fact that they are.

The only time that your DD is going to "hear this stuff all around her" is from your family, and people like them. It doesn't mean that it's right, and it doesn't mean that you have to stand by and watch it happen.

If I were you, and I know that this is far easier said than done, I would find a way to move out of my parent's house and support myself. I know that you said you can't work because of pregnancy complications, but is there a social assistance office close to you (or even remotely close to you) where you can speak with a social worker? There may be options for you. They may not be the most ideal ones, but there could be something that works for the time being.

liz.eckel · January 2013

that language is racist, even for an all white family.

if i were you, i would make sure i feel safe (verbally, mentally) in that household before i keep myself and baby there.

you NEVER want your baby to hear the n word, especially used by your family.

ITGurl0626 · January 2013

I am the mother of a biracial child (I am Puerto Rican & my DH is black)...your family's comments/jokes/slurs make me really sad. I agree with all of the other pp's and suggest to get a plan in order so you can move out. Your family is not going to stop because they don't want to. They truly believe they are entitled to make such comments. But I bet you they are the first to say they are not racist because they have a black friend at work. Confused

Get a plan together & move out...your baby does not need to be exposed to people like that.

(((Hugs)))

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