A long reflection on family and life.

CageyMack · January 2013

I hope it is okay if I use this post as a way to release some soft tension. Thanks.

We're marching along diligently toward our baby boy being born. He is a wild and wonderful little thing in my belly, and I take daily delight in his being. I cannot wait, cannot wait, just absolutely cannot wait to meet him; then I cannot wait to have DW pregnant with her first baby-in-belly. Our big kid (10) is wonderful and warming up nicely to having a baby brother. All is right in the world.

But my shoulders feel heavy and nervous. I know I'm just pregnant and hormonal, but it is hard to align the feelings from the cause. I'm worried about how our boy will deal with life, if he'll be okay, if our life will be good.

I just finished my second week at my new job, my wonderful new job. While I'm overjoyed at my new work, I'm also tired and exhausted. I can't always keep all my thoughts organized and I know that it is probably because I'm pregnant and hormonal AND tired, but, again, it is difficult to separate my competence from my health.

And I have heavy, disquieting thoughts on my mind about our donor family. We chose KD, for many reasons. Everyone involved is mature, thoughtful, compassionate and good. Still, even with all good intentions, it is difficult. I think his partner, my friend, is having a hard time, and it breaks my heart.

Do any of you think about your donor when you think about your baby? I know, from my own experience, that thoughts of unknown biologic relatives can float around in a person's mind, kind of a haunting note that never leaves but is not always painful. That's how I think about our donor. I take solace knowing that whatever our son may feel, I am not spared from having my own echo of that. I will always know his donor, will think of his face and his kindness at odd moments, and yes, sometimes feel pangs of sadness and doubt. Which is not unlike the feelings I have from my other relationships. No relationship, no engagement with another being is devoid of bitter-sweet moments. So all wrapped up in this tiny boy is the messiness of life, people who love each other and yell at each other, and laugh in joy and cry huge, fat tears. All our little babies are beings of our creation, our imperfect selves doing the best that we can in our imperfect, lovely lives.

Years ago I experienced a tragic time. As a farmer, I experienced so much death and loss that I could feel my heart walling itself off. My own miscarriage was thrown in there. Beloved animals and wonderful wild things just seemed to drop around me, often in horrific and numbing ways. I experienced my only real panic attack at that time, after rescuing a horse that, in a moment of entrapped panic, had turned its body into shreds. Some time passed and I realized that I had a choice to make: I could be a person who blocked it all out and lived a heart-safe life, or a person who opened my heart up and let it come in, good and bad alike. I think if I had made another choice in that moment that I would have no children, and no partner, and no life of mine now.

So my choice was to let it all waltz in, late-for-works, and two dogs, and a million responsibilities, and breakfast for dinner because nobody can think, a career I have chosen and practice, and a lovely wife, a ten year old girl, a boy in my belly, and more babies to come. It is a rich and full and wondrous life with aches and pains.

My heart expands to take all these beings in. I have been stunned, recently, when I realized that I will have as much love for my son as I have for my daughter. It had not caught up with me until recently, the thought that he would be as big and monumental in my life as she. I cried huge tears that I could not bear all that love in my heart, could not handle twice again the ache that I feel when she is hurt or alone or unable to be under my protection. Life is just hard sometimes, and it hurts to watch it and be unable to assist.

But I am growing, feeling my heart grow not just bigger, but tougher, I think. Sort of an, "I got this" feeling. I am ending my thoughts with elation, true joy at the depth and breadth we are adding to our lives. All the gritty bits of life are part and parcel of what makes it good, deep, honest and true.

Thanks, peeps, for letting me share. I invite you to share your thoughts on family, life, the meaning of it and the mess behind it. Peace.

damo256 · January 2013

I guess I have no insight here, as my wife and I are only now just stepping up to the starting line of this long journey, but some of the doubts you mentioned here have crossed our minds too (it's not just that you're hormonal). Our plan is to take these challenges as they come, along with the wonderful moments.

trisholio · January 2013

My DW and I are still TTC, but we are also using a KD. My two cents would be to keep open communication with them as much as possible. Our KD wife is super excited about us getting pregnant, more than the KD. They are friends of ours and going through this process with them just makes us even closer. We are so very lucky to have them in our lives for many reasons.

2MamazInSeattle · January 2013

That was really lovely to read. You clearly are in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, willing to be open and vulnerable, and able to recognize that you can't control it all. Your worries are valid, normal, and most will pass and those that don't you will figure out. I don't know that you are looking for anything but an ear, so I will not offer advice or thoughts outside of that. Thanks for sharing with us

mhkd042206 · January 2013

I'm so glad you shared your thoughts with us all. It gave me a lot of insight into you as a person. And as someone who does not know you at all I can still say by reading your words that your children are very lucky to have you as their mother.

2moms2twins · January 2013

i have some of the same worry- about raising children in this world and yet I want a 3rd which will surely break our bank. There is never a right or wrong time to have a child - that is what i finally figured out yet we are tiptoeing around TRES baby.

I had all kinds of issue with choosing a donor and apprehensions and the likes. We uses a willing to be known donor so we dont know him but we recently got a adult picture of him- but When I look at my children I dont see him ( no resemblance really its odd) I dont think of him much now that they are born but i did when we were trying and when we were pregnant. I get annoyed when people refer to him as donor dad or donor father .. HE IS Merely a DONOR. He is not DAD he is not Father but society does not yet know how to respond or react its a learning process.

I do have a great book that i read and it was my saving grace I think as I said when we were picking out donors i was having a difficult time ( I am the non bio mom )

i loved this book and i am so pissed i lent it out and have not gotten it back-

Its by Diane Ehresaft PhD and its called - Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering tough questions and building strong families.

In this book she goes on to talk about how some women fantasize about their donor and want to become romantically involved. It sounds odd but makes sense. Anyhow, it has really helped me but as soon as my girls were pulled out of their Mamas belly ( c-section twins) all my issues just vanished and these girls are 100% mine and oddly one looks very similar to me and the other has my personality.

A long reflection on family and life.

Re: A long reflection on family and life.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards