A long reflection on family and life. — The Bump
LGBT Parenting

A long reflection on family and life.

I hope it is okay if I use this post as a way to release some soft tension. Thanks.

We're marching along diligently toward our baby boy being born. He is a wild and wonderful little thing in my belly, and I take daily delight in his being.  I cannot wait, cannot wait, just absolutely cannot wait to meet him; then I cannot wait to have DW pregnant with her first baby-in-belly. Our big kid (10) is wonderful and warming up nicely to having a baby brother. All is right in the world.

But my shoulders feel heavy and nervous.  I know I'm just pregnant and hormonal, but it is hard to align the feelings from the cause.  I'm worried about how our boy will deal with life, if he'll be okay, if our life will be good.  

I just finished my second week at my new job, my wonderful new job.  While I'm overjoyed at my new work, I'm also tired and exhausted. I can't always keep all my thoughts organized and I know that it is probably because I'm pregnant and hormonal AND tired, but, again, it is difficult to separate my competence from my health.  

And I have heavy, disquieting thoughts on my mind about our donor family.  We chose KD, for many reasons.   Everyone involved is mature, thoughtful, compassionate and good.  Still, even with all good intentions, it is difficult.  I think his partner, my friend, is having a hard time, and it breaks my heart. 

Do any of you think about your donor when you think about your baby?  I know, from my own experience, that thoughts of unknown biologic relatives can float around in a person's mind, kind of a haunting note that never leaves but is not always painful.  That's how I think about our donor.  I take solace knowing that whatever our son may feel, I am not spared from having my own echo of that.  I will always know his donor, will think of his face and his kindness at odd moments, and yes, sometimes feel pangs of sadness and doubt.  Which is not unlike the feelings I have from my other relationships.  No relationship, no engagement with another being is devoid of bitter-sweet moments.  So all wrapped up in this tiny boy is the messiness of life, people who love each other and yell at each other, and laugh in joy and cry huge, fat tears.  All our little babies are beings of our creation, our imperfect selves doing the best that we can in our imperfect, lovely lives.  

Years ago I experienced a tragic time.  As a farmer, I experienced so much death and loss that I could feel my heart walling itself off.  My own miscarriage was thrown in there.  Beloved animals and wonderful wild things just seemed to drop around me, often in horrific and numbing ways.  I experienced my only real panic attack at that time, after rescuing a horse that, in a moment of entrapped panic, had turned its body into shreds.  Some time passed and I realized that I had a choice to make: I could be a person who blocked it all out and lived a heart-safe life, or a person who opened my heart up and let it come in, good and bad alike.  I think if I had made another choice in that moment that I would have no children, and no partner, and no life of mine now.  

So my choice was to let it all waltz in, late-for-works, and two dogs, and a million responsibilities, and breakfast for dinner because nobody can think, a career I have chosen and practice, and a lovely wife, a ten year old girl, a boy in my belly, and more babies to come.  It is a rich and full and wondrous life with aches and pains. 

My heart expands to take all these beings in.  I have been stunned, recently, when I realized that I will have as much love for my son as I have for my daughter.  It had not caught up with me until recently, the thought that he would be as big and monumental in my life as she.  I cried huge tears that I could not bear all that love in my heart, could not handle twice again the ache that I feel when she is hurt or alone or unable to be under my protection.  Life is just hard sometimes, and it hurts to watch it and be unable to assist.  

But I am growing, feeling my heart grow not just bigger, but tougher, I think.  Sort of an, "I got this" feeling.  I am ending my thoughts with elation, true joy at the depth and breadth we are adding to our lives.  All the gritty bits of life are part and parcel of what makes it good, deep, honest and true.  

Thanks, peeps, for letting me share.  I invite you to share your thoughts on family, life, the meaning of it and the mess behind it.  Peace.  


37, married to my favorite person in the world, DW! One darling surfer-girl (12) and one darling, sweet boy born 3/16/13.

5/2013 Started TTC #3, DW's turn: 5/2013: Diagnostics (shg) and surgery (polyp rem.) for best chances. July-Oct: IUI # 1-4, medicated, monitored, triggered.  All BFN. IVF in Jan May. Sheesh. Whoop! IVF#1 cycle started 4/2/14. 5/1: 19 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, ICSI'd.  4 fertilized.   Only 2 to transfer/freeze stage. 5/6: Two embryos transferred. 5/15: Beta #1 9dp5dt is 134! BFP! 5/19: Beta #2 13dp5dt is 672! B'erFP! 5/21: Beta #3 15dp5dt is 1853.  Yay!

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

"Things separate from their stories have no meaning. They are only shapes. Of a certain size and color. A certain weight. When their meaning has become lost to us they no longer have even a name. The story on the other hand can never be lost from its place in the world for it is that place.” ― Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing

Re: A long reflection on family and life.

  • I guess I have no insight here, as my wife and I are only now just stepping up to the starting line of this long journey, but some of the doubts you mentioned here have crossed our minds too (it's not just that you're hormonal).  Our plan is to take these challenges as they come, along with the wonderful moments.



  • My DW and I are still TTC, but we are also using a KD.  My two cents would be to keep open communication with them as much as possible.  Our KD wife is super excited about us getting pregnant, more than the KD.  They are friends of ours and going through this process with them just makes us even closer.  We are so very lucky to have them in our lives for many reasons.


    T & G My wife and I married 9/10/11 in Niagara Falls, NY
    HSG 12/12/12        
    #1 ICI 12/15/12              BFN on 12/29/12
    #2 ICI  1/11/13                BFN 1/28/13                       
    #3 ICI 2/11/13                 BFN
    #4 ICI August 2013,  Clomid 100mg    BFN on 8/30/13 
    #5 ICI September-Clomid 100,  mg ICI 8/15 and 8/16,  BFN on 9/3
    #6 ICI October-Clomid 150 mg for 5 days   BFN 10/27
    uterine laparoscopy on 11/14-no endo or cysts
    #7 IUI December-Clomid 150mg    BFP 12/21
    12/23 Beta 51     12/26 Beta 209!
    First ultrasound on January 8th 2014-great healthy heartbeat
    Second Ultrasound January 23 (8 weeks) we got to see and hear the heartbeat
    Third Ultrasound Feb 4th(10 weeks), then will  released to OBGYN'
    It's a GIRL!
    We welcomed Adalyn Cooper Elizabeth on 8/29/14
    She was 7lbs 11oz and 19.6 inches long

    Proud foster parents to two little girls ages 2.5 yrs old, M,  and 1 year old, K

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  • That was really lovely to read. You clearly are in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, willing to be open and vulnerable, and able to recognize that you can't control it all. Your worries are valid, normal, and most will pass and those that don't you will figure out. I don't know that you are looking for anything but an ear, so I will not offer advice or thoughts outside of that. Thanks for sharing with us :)
    Lil'mamaz was born on Aug 21, 2014! She's PERFECT!

    It's been a long road to here...
    Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
    June'12 - First RE Visit
    Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
    Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
    Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
    Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
    Loss due to umbilical cord clot...baby was perfect. :(
    Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
    Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
    Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
    Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
    EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
    Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
    We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle


  • I'm so glad you shared your thoughts with us all.  It gave me a lot of insight into you as a person.  And as someone who does not know you at all I can still say by reading your words that your children are very lucky to have you as their mother.    
  • i have some of the same worry- about raising children in this world and yet I want a 3rd which will surely break our bank.  There is never a right or wrong time to have a child - that is what i finally figured out yet we are tiptoeing around TRES baby.

    I had all kinds of issue with choosing a donor and apprehensions and the likes. We uses a willing to be known donor so we dont know him but we recently got a adult picture of him-  but When I look at my children I dont see him ( no resemblance really  its odd)  I dont think of him much now that they are born but i did when we were trying and when we were pregnant.  I get annoyed when people refer to him as donor dad or donor father .. HE IS Merely a DONOR.  He is not DAD he is not Father but society does not yet know how to respond or react its a learning process.

    I do have a great book that i read and it was my saving grace I think as I said when we were picking out donors i was having a difficult time ( I am the non bio mom ) 

    i loved this book and i am so pissed i lent it out and have not gotten it back-

    Its by Diane Ehresaft PhD and its called -  Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering tough questions and building strong families.  

    In this book she goes on to talk about how some women fantasize about their donor and want to become romantically involved. It sounds odd but makes sense.  Anyhow, it has really helped me  but as soon as my girls were pulled out of their Mamas belly ( c-section twins) all my issues just vanished and these girls are 100% mine and oddly one looks very similar to me and the other has my personality.





    - 2 Moms 2 Twins Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
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