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College Sweetheart

+just+j++just+j+ member
in Blended Families

I have been facebook friends with my college sweetheart for almost 3 years now. I'll call him "R".  R is a facebooker that rarely posts, but he has on occassion liked picture of DD, and told me happy birthday every year. We private messaged a little when we reconnected and became facebook friends. It was always short and sweet, and respectful given that the two of us were both married.

3 weeks ago, not long after my seperation and pending divorce was made public (by me), I got a lot of nice comments, private messages, cards, emails, etc.  He was one of them that surprised me. He pm'd me.  It was a brief conversation and he said this was his 2nd marriage, and he intended it to be his last, but in some ways it is more difficult than the first. How the brief messaging sounded to me was, "yeah marriage is tough and a lot of work, mine too, sorry yours didn't make it."

Fast forward to last night.

I get a pm from him saying it looks like his marriage is unfortunately ending as well. He says he has his daughter, fully plans to keep it that way unless something changes, he didn't want to divulge details just yet, but he had intended that this would be his last marriage and it truly was "for better or worse".  He said "I didn't choose this." and it makes him sick he will now hvae 2 failed marriages. He said sometime after the next few weeks he'd like to call me. Catch up.

Ugh. I have decided to take this at face value and run with it as two old friends catching up and supporting each other as friends while we go thru similar experiences. I am in no position to think of it any other way, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was happy to hear from him and that he wants to talk.

R's and my break up was a good one.  We were just really young and going in two different directions and we both parted ways to pursue our dreams. And we both did it. Except for the marriage dreams obviously.  So this potential situation that has presented itself is is not an easy one for me.  I never stopped thinking about him. I have accepted long ago that we have moved on and was very happy for him when I heard he was married, saw his beautiful wife and daughter and has a wonderful career.  I only want him happy and it made me happy to see him doing so well. On the other side, I can say that he was my one, true, good, strong, real love of my life. Our relationship was so good. It wasn't perfect, but it was nice and we had so much in common. And he's truly a good, decent guy.  It's what I want again. Not saying with him, but that kind of love and relationship. 

Again, I'd be lying if my mind didn't go there tho and the thought of a door cracking open an itty bit. 

Anyway, I guess I'm feeling a like silly little nilly with my old feelings kind of rearing their head again.  Am I a dork for feeling this way?  This is just way to sensitive of a time for me. And obviously with his situation...it's just nuts for me to let my head go there. Emotions are struggling with my brain. While I feel I have a healthy attitude toward him, I still obviously will never be completely over him emotionally.

Does any of this make any damn sense? Because I do feel a little stupid admitting this.

And I almost want to run from this. 

Ugh.  Help bring me clarity ladies before I make a damn fool of myself.

"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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Re: College Sweetheart

  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    Follow your head not your heart.

    Try to keep it level. Go Slow and NO you are NOT a dork.

    As someone who MANY moons after school WENT there with the high school first love, be prepared for the possibility of losing the FB friendship you have.

     

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Ditto follow your head not heart. It is very easy to remember fondly what you had and wonder if you could have it again but neither of you are the same people anymore. And I realize you are divorced now or will be and I am being a hypocrite but you do not want to be in any position where you can easily jump into a relationship with someone that has had two failed marriages, you know more than anyone that statistically his next relationship will not last either. And while it is totally possible that he had no part in these break ups you have to question why his second marriage failed. You are not in a place I your life yet where I think you can fully judge that. Please do not take that wrong as I really respect you but you really believed that your ex had a bad life and was taken advantage of, now it is certainly looking like he had a much bigger role in where his life is than you believed when you started dating or agreed to marry him.

    iMHO you have to question if you can go into this without asking whatif and risking something you might regret. At the same time I know it is totally possible that he is your solemate but you need more time to yourself and so does your DD.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    imageLittlejen22:
    iMHO you have to question if you can go into this without asking whatif and risking something you might regret. At the same time I know it is totally possible that he is your solemate but you need more time to yourself and so does your DD.

    This is exactly what I keep telling myself. 

    Even if something ever came of it - it would have to be a long time down the road.

    Thank you for the gut check ladies.

    And I still feel like a dork. I'm too old and recently wounded for these school girl notions.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    "And I still feel likenbsp;a dork. I'm too old and recently woundednbsp;for these school girl notions."

    I think your feelings are totally normal but it is exactly why I am concerned for you.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • twister22twister22 member

    Let me echo the follow your head and not your heart. I think being friends for now is fine, but I would suggest waiting until both your divorces are finalized before taking anything farther than friends, if that's where you think it may head. Just remember how irritated you were that, even though you are fully over and done with STBXH, that he was dating someone else. Don't do it back to him, and don't do it to another woman who even though is separated, is also still technically married.

    I think you deserve happiness, whether it ends up being R or not, I just want to caution you to be careful, take things slowly, and think with your head. GL! 

    image
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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member
    Ill differ and tell you to follow your heart. Do not follow your head, our heads are full on nonsense and that's where the stories reside. You are most likely feeling lonely and vulnerable now so you will build stories around this guy, remembering only the good and building stories about how good it could be and would be and how you are so well matched and what not.

    But your heart knows the truth. This is where you will find strength in yourself to get through all this. To be the best mom you can to DD and to continue to look after yourself by not being involved with toxic people.

    Only then when you feel fulfilled in yourself again are you ready to move on. You will know on your heart when you are truly ready.

    Your head will lead you astray!

    You're not a dork, just human!!!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member
    Why did your relationship end in h.s.?
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    Honestly, I would follow your heart but take things slow. DH and I ran into each other on Myspace (lol) when I had just separated from DD's father a few months before and he was in process of his divorce. I've mentioned before that FIL and my dad are BFFs so that is how we knew each other. We just remained friends for a bit. His divorce drug on for over a year and some months because of BM even though she cheated on him and was the one that wanted the divorce and even filed. She moved immediately in with her now DH (the guy she cheated with). So by they time his divorce was final, it was only like a month later that we moved in together. 

    Sometimes I think we moved too fast because we moved in together a month after his divorce was final but our families would say otherwise. It took us 3 years to marry and they put on DH's grooms cake something to the extent of "It's about time." But we did have to re-schedule our wedding once for financial reasons.

    BM's DH's divorce wasn't final until 3 months before their wedding which is the minimum waiting period in our state so I don't feel that bad.....they got married a month before us so they lived together 3 years with him still being married. I don't even think his divorce was filed until he and BM had set a date. My point is, so far DH and I have been together 7.5 years all because we started talking on Myspace both fresh out of relationships and dealing with common situations.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    I think the emotions you're experiencing are positive.  You are open to a new relationship, if a good one should present its self.  But you are also checking yourself and not allowing your emotions to rule 100%, and I think that's mature.  Especially in this phase of your life when you're probably still greiving to an extent. 

    I will tell you to trust yourself.  You're a smart lady, and your DD's best interest is absolutely 100% at your heart.  You'll make good choices.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I am sticking with my head for now. Heart can come later.

    I posted something on facebook last night about missing my daughter - (H has her) and I got a pm from him asking "You have shared custody?" and "So he hasn't moved back?"  I told him yes, it's shared EOW and no, he's not moving back yet, but I expect he will at some point this year.

    He tells me that his court date is Wednesday and he's fighting for full custody.

    I say, "She really must have messed up pretty bad if you're going for full."  He said, "Yes, she did".  He promised to call me soon and that we'd talk later.

    He's got a lot going on there.  It will be interesting to find out what she did. My guess is drugs or alcohol. You don't typically ask for full custody if someone is unfaithful. 

    He's raising an 8/9 year old girl and has some very early doctor hours.  I hope he's got the support around him to make that work.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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