Right to be upset?

himymlover · January 2013

This is going to be kind of ventish, sorry. I'm just wondering if I really have a right to be upset about this or not. So my boyfriends mom and her boyfriend (of 2 years) are the only parents we have told so far. I'm really close with his mom and love her like she is my own mother. She is coming to my first appt with me because I want her there, and we also invited her to tour the new mother baby center with us.

Well when I did the registration I put down that it would be me and two guests (bf and his mom). My bf is at her house right now and she is wanting me to call in and change it for three guests so that her boyfriend can come. I don't know why she is expecting that I want her boyfriend to be at this tour. He is not going to be in the room while I deliver, and really I don't see why he would even want to go.

The other night when we told them they both were really happy that I am pregnant. They started talking about how much he has wanted to be a grandpa, and since he doesn't talk to his own child he was glad I was pregnant. I'm not trying to be mean, but I wasn't plan on my child calling him grandpa. Now I'm fine with that part and I'm glad he is excited, but I just don't get why she is so insistent that he comes to the tour. I like him but I really just wanted that to be a day for me, my bf, and his mom.

Am I ridiculous for being upset at this? Please be honest, because maybe I'm just being overly emotional. I truly am happy that he's excited but I wasn't wanting for him to be this involved.

psychgirl33 · January 2013

I would probably feel the same way. I'm not saying that means it isn't ridiculous, but I'm thinking I'd also not want him coming. Though I don't want my mom or MIL there, so I am in a different boat.

I think that you should just tell her what you told us. That you really want to just do it you 3. Giving birth is pretty personal for a lot of people, so maybe play up that aspect.

ilovetolaugh · January 2013

I would probably feel the same way.

I think that you should be very upfront with her on this. If he really wants to go on the tour (which I am sure he probably doesn't) then let him go. But make it very clear that there will only be three in the delivery room.

honesty is the best policy.

himymlover · January 2013

ilovetolaugh:
I would probably feel the same way.
I think that you should be very upfront with her on this. If he really wants to go on the tour (which I am sure he probably doesn't) then let him go. But make it very clear that there will only be three in the delivery room.
honesty is the best policy.

That's the thing, there will be more in the delivery room including my mom and cousin. If I were going to have more people on the tour those would be the other people to go, not this guy.

I'll try talking to her next time I see her. I just wish she didn't get so defensive about him all the time.

princessvespa1 · January 2013

Tell her the birthing center only allows a maximum of two guests, and worry about the deliver room later.

Good luck!

zoieglow · January 2013

I think you should just tell her only one guest is allowed on the tour and just bring your husband and be done with it. Her bf doesn't need to be there but neither does she, really.

ilovetolaugh · January 2013

zoieglow:
I think you should just tell her only one guest is allowed on the tour and just bring your husband and be done with it. Her bf doesn't need to be there but neither does she, really.

I like this. OR just go the two of you. You don't have to give an excuse.

cvl105 · January 2013

Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.

himymlover · January 2013

ilovetolaugh:
zoieglow:
I think you should just tell her only one guest is allowed on the tour and just bring your husband and be done with it. Her bf doesn't need to be there but neither does she, really.

I like this. OR just go the two of you. You don't have to give an excuse.

I really do want her there. You're right about not giving excuses. I guess I'll just suck it up and tell her that I just want it to be her and my bf. Thanks.

zoieglow · January 2013

cvl105:
Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.

I think it's weird too. It's not supposed to be like a fun, social event with the family. It's supposed to be an opportunity for an expectant couple to make decisions about the birth of their child which doesn't involve either of them. You really don't need either of them there and in fact, it probably sets a precedent that they do get a say in decisions regarding your child which could come back to bite you when your baby is born.

himymlover · January 2013

cvl105:
Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.

Thanks for being honest lol. I'm closer to his mom than I am to any of my family, which is why she will be in the delivery room with us. I'm sure they aren't really fun, but she was interested in going with. I suppose it won't hurt anything for him to go with. Thanks again for the honesty.

luciddreamer106 · January 2013

I would feel the same way. You should tell her how you feel- that you want it to just be an intimate group of your BF and his mom. It's most important that you feel comfortable when you're delivering and if you don't feel comfortable with him there, then he shouldn't be.

If you're ok with it, you can let her know that it's ok he visit after, but don't want him there for the actual delivery.

himymlover · January 2013

zoieglow:
cvl105:
Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.
I think it's weird too. It's not supposed to be like a fun, social event with the family. It's supposed to be an opportunity for an expectant couple to make decisions about the birth of their child which doesn't involve either of them. You really don't need either of them there and in fact, it probably sets a precedent that they do get a say in decisions regarding your child which could come back to bite you when your baby is born.

That's a good point that I hadn't thought about. Thanks.

Kimbac13 · January 2013

What does your BF want? Is he close with this guy? Maybe he wants him there for moral support? If that's the case, at least consider it. If not, honestly, you have every right to say no to BF's mom's BF. You shouldn't be upset about it, though. Just tell him/them that you'd prefer to keep it to the three of you at this point. As adults, they should understand, and if they don't, then you might have a right to be upset.

As for the "grandpa" stuff, don't sweat that now. You have months for that to all sort itself out. It's nice that he is so excited!

Good Luck!

dragonfly711 · January 2013

Be honest with her andhe is her boyfriend never know what might happen in 9 months will they still be together? Not saying they will not be but. If you don't want him there be honest!!!

cvl105 · January 2013

luciddreamer106:
I would feel the same way. You should tell her how you feel- that you want it to just be an intimate group of your BF and his mom. It's most important that you feel comfortable when you're delivering and if you don't feel comfortable with him there, then he shouldn't be.
If you're ok with it, you can let her know that it's ok he visit after, but don't want him there for the actual delivery.

She's not talking about him being in the delivery room. She's talking about the tour of the facility, like in a few days (weeks). Totally different.

himymlover · January 2013

Kimbac13:
What does your BF want? Is he close with this guy? Maybe he wants him there for moral support? If that's the case, at least consider it. If not, honestly, you have every right to say no to BF's mom's BF. You shouldn't be upset about it, though. Just tell him/them that you'd prefer to keep it to the three of you at this point. As adults, they should understand, and if they don't, then you might have a right to be upset.
As for the "grandpa" stuff, don't sweat that now. You have months for that to all sort itself out. It's nice that he is so excited!
Good Luck!

No, neither one of us are close with him. I guess I am "closer" to him than my bf is, but it's not like I talk to him about anything important in my life. My bf actually couldn't stand him until a few months ago. He's a really nice guy, but we just don't know him all that well. I am really glad he's so excited for the baby though. I feel bad that he doesn't talk with his own son, so I'm glad he will get to be a part of our babies life.

Hopefully they understand when I talk to them. Thanks for the input!

LnR70707 · January 2013

Honestly, I think you opened the door to this mess. I don't think anyone belongs in the delivery room or on delivery related things other than the parents....beyond that you are just asking for drama.

That being said, it is your boyfriend's mother. He can man up and handle the situation.

TristaD81 · January 2013

zoieglow:
cvl105:
Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.

I think it's weird too. It's not supposed to be like a fun, social event with the family. It's supposed to be an opportunity for an expectant couple to make decisions about the birth of their child which doesn't involve either of them. You really don't need either of them there and in fact, it probably sets a precedent that they do get a say in decisions regarding your child which could come back to bite you when your baby is born.

This exactly.

I would be careful, you're really setting yourself up for her to be crossing boundaries in the future by including her in these types of things. There are other ways to include her, like taking her with when you're doing your registry or something.

Also, FWIW, most hospitals only allow 2 people at a time in the delivery room.

himymlover · January 2013

L&R70707:
Honestly, I think you opened the door to this mess. I don't think anyone belongs in the delivery room or on delivery related things other than the parents....beyond that you are just asking for drama.

That being said, it is your boyfriend's mother. He can man up and handle the situation.

I know people have a lot of different opinions on who is in the delivery room. I also know that I am definitely in the minority, as I want more than just my mom and bf in the room. I totally understand that most people wouldn't want these other people in there, but I really do.

himymlover · January 2013

TristaD81:
zoieglow:
cvl105:
Honestly, yes, I think you're overreacting. Who cares who's on the tour with you? It's not like he's going to be looking at you with your legs wide open. She probably just figured he could join along. No big deal in my opinion. To be totally honest, I think it's strange that you even invited you boyfriend's Mom to the tour and that she wants to go. Those things aren't entertaining or fun.
I think it's weird too. It's not supposed to be like a fun, social event with the family. It's supposed to be an opportunity for an expectant couple to make decisions about the birth of their child which doesn't involve either of them. You really don't need either of them there and in fact, it probably sets a precedent that they do get a say in decisions regarding your child which could come back to bite you when your baby is born.
This exactly. I would be careful, you're really setting yourself up for her to be crossing boundaries in the future by including her in these types of things. There are other ways to include her, like taking her with when you're doing your registry or something. Also, FWIW, most hospitals only allow 2 people at a time in the delivery room.

My midwives don't set a limit on people so I'm not concerned about that part. Like I said, I know I'm in the minority and most people would not be comfortable with these other people in the room, but I am.

TristaD81 · January 2013

himymlover:
L&R70707:
Honestly, I think you opened the door to this mess.  I don't think anyone belongs in the delivery room or on delivery related things other than the parents....beyond that you are just asking for drama.  

That being said, it is your boyfriend's mother.  He can man up and handle the situation.
I know people have a lot of different opinions on who is in the delivery room. I also know that I am definitely in the minority, as I want more than just my mom and bf in the room. I totally understand that most people wouldn't want these other people in there, but I really do.  

Well, one of the things to ask on your tour is how many people they allow in the delivery room because most hospitals have a Max of two as a rule.

LnR70707 · January 2013

himymlover:
L&R70707:

Honestly, I think you opened the door to this mess. I don't think anyone belongs in the delivery room or on delivery related things other than the parents....beyond that you are just asking for drama.

That being said, it is your boyfriend's mother. He can man up and handle the situation.

I know people have a lot of different opinions on who is in the delivery room. I also know that I am definitely in the minority, as I want more than just my mom and bf in the room. I totally understand that most people wouldn't want these other people in there, but I really do.

I get that, but what I'm saying is that it makes your delivery into a damn popularity contest. I can guarantee you that your BFs mother will throw the fact that your mother and random cousin will be in the delivery room and she won't back in your face at least once to make you feel guilty and give in to whatever ridiculous thing she wants. More people = more drama, always. So get your BF to put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

himymlover · January 2013

TristaD81:
himymlover:
L&R70707:
Honestly, I think you opened the door to this mess. I don't think anyone belongs in the delivery room or on delivery related things other than the parents....beyond that you are just asking for drama.

That being said, it is your boyfriend's mother. He can man up and handle the situation.
I know people have a lot of different opinions on who is in the delivery room. I also know that I am definitely in the minority, as I want more than just my mom and bf in the room. I totally understand that most people wouldn't want these other people in there, but I really do.
Well, one of the things to ask on your tour is how many people they allow in the delivery room because most hospitals have a Max of two as a rule.

Yeah, I've already asked. My midwives don't have a restriction for number of people in the delivery room.

himymlover · January 2013

I get that, but what I'm saying is that it makes your delivery into a damn popularity contest. I can guarantee you that your BFs mother will throw the fact that your mother and random cousin will be in the delivery room and she won't back in your face at least once to make you feel guilty and give in to whatever ridiculous thing she wants. More people = more drama, always. So get your BF to put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

I'm kind of confused right now. My bf's mother will be in the delivery room, so Idk why she'd throw that in my face. Also, it isn't a random cousin. She is my best friend and I was there for the birth of her son a year and a half ago.

himymlover · January 2013

auroraloo:
The tour wouldn't bug me at all, it's their saturday to waste. But the grandpa thing would bug me.

Yeah lol, that part was a little weird to me. I've decided to let that part go for now, as I have quite awhile before the baby will actually start calling him anything. Who knows if he will even be around at that point.

TristaD81 · January 2013

himymlover:

I get that, but what I'm saying is that it makes your delivery into a damn popularity contest.  I can guarantee you that your BFs mother will throw the fact that your mother and random cousin will be in the delivery room and she won't back in your face at least once to make you feel guilty and give in to whatever ridiculous thing she wants.   More people = more drama, always.  So get your BF to put a stop to it now before it gets worse.
I'm kind of confused right now. My bf's mother will be in the delivery room, so Idk why she'd throw that in my face. Also, it isn't a random cousin. She is my best friend and I was there for the birth of her son a year and a half ago. 

Babies and deliveries make people crazy. Honestly. It is very stressful and people behave in ways they ordinarily wouldn't. If you don't believe us, just go hang out on the birth stories board for awhile. Or ask some other btdt moms for their experience.

himymlover · January 2013

TristaD81:
himymlover:

I get that, but what I'm saying is that it makes your delivery into a damn popularity contest. I can guarantee you that your BFs mother will throw the fact that your mother and random cousin will be in the delivery room and she won't back in your face at least once to make you feel guilty and give in to whatever ridiculous thing she wants. More people = more drama, always. So get your BF to put a stop to it now before it gets worse.
I'm kind of confused right now. My bf's mother will be in the delivery room, so Idk why she'd throw that in my face. Also, it isn't a random cousin. She is my best friend and I was there for the birth of her son a year and a half ago.
Babies and deliveries make people crazy. Honestly. It is very stressful and people behave in ways they ordinarily wouldn't. If you don't believe us, just go hang out on the birth stories board for awhile. Or ask some other btdt moms for their experience.

I'm actually a doula, so I've been to a lot of births including a lot of family members births. I understand that they are stressful, I never said that they weren't.

LnR70707 · January 2013

himymlover:

I get that, but what I'm saying is that it makes your delivery into a damn popularity contest. I can guarantee you that your BFs mother will throw the fact that your mother and random cousin will be in the delivery room and she won't back in your face at least once to make you feel guilty and give in to whatever ridiculous thing she wants. More people = more drama, always. So get your BF to put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

I'm kind of confused right now. My bf's mother will be in the delivery room, so Idk why she'd throw that in my face. Also, it isn't a random cousin. She is my best friend and I was there for the birth of her son a year and a half ago.

Sorry, your post made it sound like it would only be your mom and your cousin. At any rate, I'm sticking to my original statement that this is all par for the course and your BF should just tell her no if you don't want him there.

himymlover · January 2013

Sorry, your post made it sound like it would only be your mom and your cousin. At any rate, I'm sticking to my original statement that this is all par for the course and your BF should just tell her no if you don't want him there.

That's fine, just wasn't sure what you meant. And I agree that he should just say no. I was kind of annoyed that he didn't when I was obviously pissed about it while talking to him earlier. Thanks for the advice!

kje120 · January 2013

zoieglow:
I think you should just tell her only one guest is allowed on the tour and just bring your husband and be done with it. Her bf doesn't need to be there but neither does she, really.

This.

But if you're planning on a huge audience in the delivery room she'll probably expect him to be included there.

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