How can I tell my mom that she is not welcome

Country Girl in the City · January 2013

My parents were planning on coming to help once I deliver the baby. We had talked about how she needed to get the TDap and flu shot if she wanted to stay. My father had no problem with this but she did. Today she told me that she is coming no matter what and there is no way that she is getting the flu shot let alone anythign else. Her friend got the flu shot and still got sick so she said that it doesn't really matter. I told her that she could kill my child by not getting the flu shot and I was not willing to take that risk. She said that she did not care and she would be coming. I don't want to ruin my relationship with her. She did some really bad things to me as a teen and I have just established a relationship with her in the past few years. DH said that if she doesn't get the flu shot that she can't come so he is on the same page with me.

I am so frustrated. Just when one thing was going to work well I get another set back.

lovelyday39 · January 2013

Well, the way I look at it, she's ruining the relationship, not you. You've stated a clear wish and concern and she's choosing to disrespect and disregard you. Therefore her consequences are not seeing the baby, and that's her choice. She doesn't have to get a flu shot, but if she does she can see the baby, it's really as simple as that.

Abeille · January 2013

I'm sorry she's being so stubborn. I suggest you stand your ground. You are the parent, these are your choices. Your mom is going to have to learn that and this probably won't be the last time you'll have to assert yourself as the parent. It's best to start right now in the beginning.

After the birth, it's such an exhausting and emotional time. With my DD, I had issues with my mother during my pregnancy and with my MIL after she was born. Our relationships definitely took a hit for a while, but they are back on track.

EDIT: As far as how to tell her...I had to be blunt and direct with my own mother, nothing else seemed to get through to her. If I'd been in the same situation, I would have told her that she can expect to be turned away at the front door if she refuses to get the immunizations.

danuli8 · January 2013

lovelyday39:
Well, the way I look at it, she's ruining the relationship, not you. You've stated a clear wish and concern and she's choosing to disrespect and disregard you. Therefore her consequences are not seeing the baby, and that's her choice. She doesn't have to get a flu shot, but if she does she can see the baby, it's really as simple as that.

Once again, LD39 says it way better than I ever could. Agree x1000 with her assessment. Your mother's the one doing the ruining, not you.

kat1221 · January 2013

lovelyday39:
Well, the way I look at it, she's ruining the relationship, not you. You've stated a clear wish and concern and she's choosing to disrespect and disregard you. Therefore her consequences are not seeing the baby, and that's her choice. She doesn't have to get a flu shot, but if she does she can see the baby, it's really as simple as that.

Yep! That stinks that she is acting that way and I am so sorry. My mom had no issues with it but I can see my MIL being weird about it. UGH...being put in that position is the worst but Lovely is right...it's your mom that is causing issues here.

I would just calmly explain that this is something that is important to you and DH and to YOUR BABY"S HEALTH and you can't allow here near the baby if she doesn't get these immunizations. End of story.

Good luck!

Tigger & pooh · January 2013

I am sorry you are in sucha difficult situation. Can you compromise and tell her if she isnt getting the shots she will have to wear a mask and use hand sanitizer or wear gloves?

danieleandwayne · January 2013

I agree with pps-- your mother is dictating to you what will happen in your own home to your own child. That is NOT okay. I would be direct and blunt with her-- and maybe enlist your father's help in explaining that your mother does not have a medical degree, but the doctors at the CDC, American Pediatric Association, your OB, etc etc etc all do-- and no flu shot means no lookie at the baby. End of story. Not negotiable. She will not be allowed in the house. There is no discussion or argument about her. The ball is then in her court.

And judging by the way your mom is acting, I would ask for the proof that she got it-- you know that slip of paper you have to sign when you get a flu shot? Yeah, I would want to see that. I wouldn't trust her at all.

MT-Head · January 2013

Can you work on your dad? Like, can you make sure he clearly understands that Mother Dear will not be allowed near the baby unless she gets the shots, so when you deny her, he can back you up (well, dear, daughter did say you needed to get the shots and you didn't so . . . sucks to be you, but you're the giant ass here).

If you can't keep her away physically, then the surgical mask, hand sanitizer and latex gloves sounds like a good idea to me.

gscoville · January 2013

Tigger & pooh:
I am sorry you are in sucha difficult situation. Can you compromise and tell her if she isnt getting the shots she will have to wear a mask and use hand sanitizer or wear gloves?

This. While ideally everyone should have their flu shot, there are always lots of people who don't. Are you going to screen everyone you know, friends, family, coworkers, etc who might possibly have any contact with your baby? For that matter, there's no guarantee that even all medical staff will have taken their flu shots. Here in BC there was a row when the government introduced legislation that all medical staff must either get their shot or must always wear masks and gloves, nurse and cleaning staff unions are up in arms over being forced. I would assume it's not mandatory in the US yet either?

While I totally agree with your right to enforce the rules in your own house, I also think in this case the compromise of mask and gloves will provide what you're really looking for here, which is protecting your baby from flu exposure. I would hesitate to make the flu shot a major cliff neither you nor your mother are willing to back away from and a rift you might not be able to repair.

Country Girl in the City · January 2013

She was planning on staying with me while I am in the hospital and then staying at my place for a few weeks to help. Now that my doctor has informed me that I am likely to have a preemie, it is even more important.

A few weeks ago I was talking to her about how I was going to Yankee Candle to buy some really nice hand sanitizer for the nursery. I told her that my friends would be using it before they touched the baby. She told me that I could not do that because I could not stop them from holding my baby if they refused to use it. I told her that my friends actually love and care about me and they will do it if I ask. If they don't then they really don't care and they will be asked to leave my home. She said well I guess your friends are used to you being a b.

I had a long talk with DH last night. I decided that I don't care if she ruins this relationship. My father is welcome to visit but not her unless she gets the shot. I think that she might be testing me to see how far she can push. We shall see what happens.

Abeille · January 2013

I'm sorry. It is tough when you really could use your mom's support and she chooses not to respect your wishes. I hope she comes around.

lovelyday39 · January 2013

I'm sorry your mother is acting this way and making things so difficult. It sounds like its for the best for your best peace of mind and for your family if she isn't around much she doesn't seem very supportive, positive or encouraging

lovelyday39 · January 2013

gscoville:
Tigger & pooh:
I am sorry you are in sucha difficult situation. Can you compromise and tell her if she isnt getting the shots she will have to wear a mask and use hand sanitizer or wear gloves?
This. While ideally everyone should have their flu shot, there are always lots of people who don't. Are you going to screen everyone you know, friends, family, coworkers, etc who might possibly have any contact with your baby? For that matter, there's no guarantee that even all medical staff will have taken their flu shots. Here in BC there was a row when the government introduced legislation that all medical staff must either get their shot or must always wear masks and gloves, nurse and cleaning staff unions are up in arms over being forced. I would assume it's not mandatory in the US yet either?
While I totally agree with your right to enforce the rules in your own house, I also think in this case the compromise of mask and gloves will provide what you're really looking for here, which is protecting your baby from flu exposure. I would hesitate to make the flu shot a major cliff neither you nor your mother are willing to back away from and a rift you might not be able to repair.

I understand the motivation to work through things and make the relationship right vs. being right- but in this case, I would say you can not compromise with a bully. And frankly, that's what she's being here. My motto- I don't make deals with terrorists and I won't compromise with a bully, esp one in my own family! A relationship is two sided. It's not about one side always giving in to the pushy, unsupportive jerk just to keep the peace. Sometimes you need to tell the jerk to just go suck wind bc they are not adding anything positive to your life!

Country Girl in the City · January 2013

UPDATE!! I win. She just wanted me to offer to pay for the shot. I don't have a problem with that.

lovelyday39 · January 2013

Perfect! Yay you! :

mommytoconnor · January 2013

I would stand your ground. This is your child and you are protecting your family. If she doesn't respect your decisions then that's that and she won't be allowed in. She is in control of your relationship and disrespecting you as a parent and that is not ok. You need to take the reigns and put your foot down. Tell your dad that this is the deal and if she won't cooperate then she can't come. Period. If you feel that strongly about it, don't let her in your home and if need be call for help escorting her away if ya know what I mean.

danuli8 · January 2013

Country Girl in the City:
UPDATE!! I win. She just wanted me to offer to pay for the shot. I don't have a problem with that.

Awesome! And yay for you winning! Flu shots are cheap. Around here they are $20-$25.

danieleandwayne · January 2013

She's still manipulative. She can't pay the $25 to see her grandchild? Egads.

At the hospital, we all have to get our flu shots-- or wear a mask the entire flu season. And yet people still get sick because people pull the mask down, or it gets wet from their breath and they don't change out the mask (when it's wet, it no longer serves as a barrier), or they don't wash their hands before touching something, etc.

I think you are absolutely right-- especially with a preemie-- to make her get her flu shot. I would still make her use the hand sanitizer, too, though-- who knows what she would do or not do just to make a "point" or be passive-aggressive.

I'm glad your baby gets to have a chance at knowing both her grandparents.

lilblt19 · January 2013

Country Girl in the City:
UPDATE!! I win. She just wanted me to offer to pay for the shot. I don't have a problem with that.

Sorry to hear that your mom was being so difficult but good for you for standing your ground!!

Country Girl in the City · January 2013

danieleandwayne:

She's still manipulative. She can't pay the $25 to see her grandchild? Egads.

At the hospital, we all have to get our flu shots-- or wear a mask the entire flu season. And yet people still get sick because people pull the mask down, or it gets wet from their breath and they don't change out the mask (when it's wet, it no longer serves as a barrier), or they don't wash their hands before touching something, etc.

I think you are absolutely right-- especially with a preemie-- to make her get her flu shot. I would still make her use the hand sanitizer, too, though-- who knows what she would do or not do just to make a "point" or be passive-aggressive.

I'm glad your baby gets to have a chance at knowing both her grandparents.

She actually probably doesn't have the $25. I told her just to have her doctor's office send me a bill. I grew up really poor and everyone in my family is still poor except for me.

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