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August 2013 Moms
stephweinstein
member
I'm probably going to get flamed...
stephweinstein
member
My husband and I are expecting our first baby in August. We live in NJ and his parents live in Florida. Recently it came up that he assumed his parents would be staying with us "for a while" after the baby was born as they are out of towners. Think 10-12 days.
To set the stage, I'm really not that close or comfortable with his parents. As mother-in-laws typically go, we just don't see eye-to-eye on things and I have trouble standing up to her. I usually just let her upset me and then blow up on my husband.
They're also not great houseguests; they don't clean up after themselves and I know that it will bother me to have their things all around my house when we're trying to settle in. I expect that when we bring the baby home we will all be exhausted, we will just be getting used to being a family of three, I will just be getting over just having given birth, etc.
So, I told my husband I would rather they don't stay with us and suggested they stay at an extended stay hotel. I said that they could come to our home in the morning as soon as they were ready but that I wanted some privacy with my new family during the night time.
Am I a terrible person?
Married: October 23, 2010
DS: 8/7/2013
#2 EDD: 6/29/2016, C Section: 6/22/2016
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm probably going to get flamed...
Especially with a new baby in the house. You won't want people staying with you. I would want my privacy and alone time.
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BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010
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JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.
TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]
My good friend just had her first baby and she didn't even allow her own mother (who she's really close to) to come and stay for the first month. Her Mum would have been coming from a different country and staying with them the whole time and she just wanted space for her, her husband and their baby to get used to being a new family before inviting house guests.
It's totally your call and you will have to stand your ground on this one if you really feel strongly about it. It's not worth stressing yourself out and making things much harder with a new baby for the sake of keeping the peace with your MIL.
This. You are not being unreasonable at all, especially after having a new baby, there are a lot of adjustments. Your house your rules as far as I think.
You are not. These are real considerations! The first few weeks your home you will most likely be a mess yourself---it's just a lot to adjust to. If you choose to breastfeed, your boobs will (almost) always be out, there's milk, poop, spit up, leakage, healing, etc...My mom stayed with us for a week, but we're super close. Everyone else was relegated to hotels.
You and your husband should discuss this, but really, since the most of the actual caring for the baby will be done by you (especially if you BF), you should make the final call. There was no way I was going to have my FIL and BILs around while I could barely hobble from the living room to the bathroom and was trying to figure out if red, yellow, green or black poops were normal.
My only advice is that help *is* nice, but only if it's real help. My mom is a real helper. I have other family that is not. So the other family gets to visit and mom gets to stay. It's not a time that you should be caring for anyone else but yourself and your baby.
DD2 (b. 9/04/2013)
BFP 2/25/12, m/c @ 6w 3d || BFP 8/1/12, m.m/c @ 9w5d
This is so unfair of you! How dare you turn away your inlaws help for 10-12 days and make them pay for a hotel room!
AHAHAHHAHA JUST KIDDING
No way, you are absolutely right! Youre going to feel exactly the way you just said. And by making them stay at hotel, you ARE standing up to them!
Yes, it's natural and ok to not want to have guests right away when the baby is born. You will be recovering, and will not be physically or emotionally in a place to be entertaining/cleaning up behind others. I would say that their options are staying in a hotel, or waiting until the 3-5 week mark before visiting.
The one thing I will say is it's a little unfair of you to treat your DH that way. If you are going along with things you don't want to, that's on you, not him. You are a big girl and capable of standing up for yourself. If you can't learn to say 'no' to them for your own sake, how do you plan to do it when they want to do something stupid with your child? I know it's hard, but you have to learn that sometimes being your own advocate is more important than keeping the peace.
You and DH need to be a team if you want to survive the challenges of the next couple of years
I will say that last time, I was set on not having anyone stay with us but I changed my mind after the baby was born. After he was here, I was so happy and nothing else bothered me, not even houseguests. And it was nice to have the help.
I'd absolutely tell your husband they can't stay at your place, and I'd also suggest telling them they can only stay for a long weekend. Think Thursday-Sunday.
For me, it was completely overwhelming and exhausting having even my own mother over at my house for more than a couple of hours at a time when the baby was first born. I can't imagine having house guests from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. for a week plus.
DH: 37
Married: May 24, 2008
TTC #2 since: June 2020
My parents are the ones from out of town and I told them no one was staying at my home after the baby came. At least for the first few weeks to a month. My DH is shy about doing anything wrong so I am sure he would have just handed the baby off to my mother if DD was crying. Without anyone there he and I both had the chance to figure out how to be parents without having anyone looking over our shoulders.
Plus, for the first two weeks I was a disaster with bf'ing issues, raging hormones, bleeding, the "sweats" - haha, postpartum is a joy!
My parents came after the first month and I loved it. I was ready for a bit of a break, willing to give up some time with my DD and go nap or run to the store for some freedom. It worked out well for all parties. I wouldn't have wanted to share my DD with anyone other than my DH for the first few weeks. Those are such precious moments you don't get back.
Very reasonable!
I made the same request although for me it was not that I don't get along with them. I just wanted some alone time. I didn't know what to expect with my first time. Also we were living in a small two bed apartment. We let them stay in our apartment while baby and I were still in the hospital. Then they came to see us one last time at the hospital on the day I was being discharged and they headed back home so that we could come home just us as a new family.
Subsequent pregnancies - I welcomed help since I had other kids to tend to. But first time - I wanted to be alone. And I stuck to my guns and I was glad I did.
Same as others - not flame worthy at all. My MIL is more trouble to me/was more trouble to me with DD than she was worth. She is retired and lives about an hour away and offered to come up while I was on maternity leave. She doesn't really cook and doesn't keep a very tidy house, so I would end up making lunch for the both of us and cleaning up. I am also not a very public breast feeder, so I would go upstairs to nurse DD while she was there.
Maybe it is unreasonable to some, but I would only want MY mother or MY sister overnight for an extended period to help out. We have already started planning it this time since I will have a c section, we will actually get plane tickets schedule bc my mom and sister both live out of state. MIL is rreally good with DD and comes up at least 2x per month to see her. I plan on asking MIL to stay at home with DD for the 2-3 days we are in the hosplital with new baby. Then DH can go home and get both of them and bring them up to the hospital. DH is supportive of all of this.
You're not a terrible person. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably give them two options, either stay at the hotel if they want to come up that early or wait a few weeks until you get settled and then they can come up and stay with you.
Just make sure you and your H are on the same page before talking to them.
TTC #1 since 10/2012.
BFP#1 11/28/12, MC, BFP #2 CP
BFP #3 10/21/2013, EDD 7/3/2014
Beta #1 (4W6D): 1768 Beta #2 (5W1D): 5255
1st US at 6W4D HB of 112 BPM!
1/20/2014: IT'S A GIRL!
6/30/2014: Happy birthday baby M!
I don't think you're being unreasonable. My MIL and my parents have a house in town about 40 minutes to an hour away. They will not be staying with us. If they even asked I would turn them both down. I love them both but I do not want them staying with us. They can come and visit during the day time but night time will be just DH, myself and the baby.
My bff is flying into town for the birth. I don't know how long she is staying (probably a week) I did the same thing for her at her request. Unfortunately, her son was in the NICU for the entire week I was there. I know that me being there helped her be able to have a shoulder to cry on and strength to help her clean and get the house organized for bringing her son home because she was such an (understandable) mess. It was all about what she needed. I know no matter what, that she would do the same for me, so I am not worried in the slightest about her helping me or staying with us. Anyone else though, they can go suck an egg.
BFF will also fend off MIL when she inevitably starts in on me about some stupid crap. So there's also that added bonus. =P
O was born Aug 13!
B.B.F.L
I think your request is completely reasonable. With DD, MIL stayed with us for 3 weeks, FIL joined her for 1 of the weeks. It was awful! They are only allowed to stay here for 1 week now and H has to be off work the whole time to deal with them. They will never, ever stay that long again.
As others have said, you're not going to be in the best shape after giving birth (boobs out, sweating, hormones, no sleep, poopy diapers, spit up) and then to have to deal with other people in your space, its really uncomfortable. It's good that you set that expectation now and not wait to find out like I did.
Nope! I felt the same way you did with my first! It isn't like you are closing off your home completely to them, you are just asking that there not be overnight guests.
As pp noted, the week or two postpartum can be pretty ugly. There will be tears, there will be uncontrollable leakage of various fluids, there will be lots of discussions about poop (both the baby's and yours), etc.
You are perfectly right to insist on privacy during this time. If there's someone who will be helpful to you, absolutely ask for help. But anyone staying in your house overnight when you are postpartum is going to see you at a very vulnerable time. It's absolutely ok to tell them that they can visit during the day, but they can't stay.
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I think it's good to know your boundaries and set them early. As a professional postpartum doula I see cases all the time where parents/in-laws drive my clients nuts and they feel they can't do anything about it.
We're not having any guests stay with us the first week or so. After that, family may come for a night or two, but no extended stays. My MIL may come stay with us for a month or so (she lives out of the country) but not until the first month or two are over.
Best of luck on letting them know!
This!