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July 2013 Moms
In-law vent (they just bought furniture w/o asking!)
So, in-law trouble again. I've almost reached my breaking point. They have bought us *furniture* now, including a big chest of drawers for the baby, because the baby will obviously need a huge chest of drawers just like an adult does!! Obviously..right?
It was so large that I thought it was for both of us. When they came over to drop off a couple things and she saw it in our bedroom, the sis-in-law said adamantly, "That's not for you!! It's for the baby!!".
Okay. How were we supposed to know? They just drop off crap. And she thinks she knows so much. She has never been a Mom. She does not know for sure what is needed or how much, and I'm confident that as long as I keep on top of the laundry, the baby does not need a massive wardrobe, so why this massive chest of drawers?
They also bought us other pieces of furniture that are not baby-related. You'd think they were rich - but they are not. It just makes me wonder whether they are purposely putting us under obligation. I know gifts aren't obligations, but they will be thrown back at us in the future: "look at how much money we spent on you!!"
We didn't ask for any of it; we didn't *need* most of it.
My husband told them nicely after her comment over the big chest of drawers came in that that is it. He said, "we want to do this on our own. We want to be the Mum and Dad".
And she went bonkers on him over that. She told him he was ungrateful, told him how much money it cost, and told *him* that he was being selfish. Remember that we didn't ask for any of that stuff. She called him an ***, they started arguing and she left in a huff muttering and b&tching to herself as she got back to the car. I was so angry with her, but I didn't say anything. I just can't stand the arguing.
My husband was nice to her about it, and she went psycho. Then, she sent him a nasty text message a half hour later.
Now, because she bought that massive chest of drawers for the baby, I have to clean out the baby's room *now* when I wanted to wait until the second trimester previously. It currently is a storage room, so there are cardboard boxes and small household items in big containers in there. It shouldn't take very long and I have an alternate location for that junk, but at the same time, I feel like she is just getting in the way, and she doesn't understand that. *I* want to decide when to clear out that room! *I* want to decide on the baby furniture. Is that so wrong? But when we tell her those things, she just wants to go crazy and hurl insults.
Also, because she bought that big chest of drawers, when we do start shopping for baby stuff, we'll be constrained a little bit by those drawers - in terms of decoration, and the colour and style of other pieces of baby paraphernalia we should purchase.
I spent a great deal of time with the in-laws about a week ago. They are very paranoid, always stressed, and always worried. I was spending too much time with them, and they were starting to stress *me* out. I realized that as much as I care for them, I can't spend too much time with them. I don't know how they live like that. I know that there are no guarantees in life, and that Bad Things can happen. I just don't need to think about it 24/7. No one does. How can you enjoy your life imagining the many ways that you or your loved ones can die (literally, they worry about death a lot) all the freakin' time? I understand and agree that we should take precautions, but the way they talk, it's just overkill (pun intended), it's too much. They stress themselves out, too, to the point that some nights they stay up thinking about it (i hear about it).
My husband is a very careful person, which is a good thing, but they are upset because he's not as paranoid. I hear them often b*tching about him. Then, they imagine that he is stressing me out. No, he doesn't stress me out *at all*. *They* do!!
Look, I know what people are going to say, and we are asserting ourselves - my husband more than me, atm. But when it's just me and them, they can't resist trash talking my husband over something or the other, and telling me how worried they are over this and that. I love him. I don't like hearing them talk about him the way they do. I already know he's not perfect. Who is? How about talking about his positive attributes every once in a while? I'll start and they'll come back with their 'yeah, buts". ugh.
After his mum started spending money for us, I felt terrible about it and told her so. I told her not to get us anything else, and I told her so repeatedly because she kept offering.
Do you know what she did? She turned to me with a scowl on her face (she is usually super nice to me), and said to me outright that she wasn't doing it for me. She said she was doing it for herself because it made her feel better and that she did not want me dissuading her any further. She was very offended!
It's really funny how they talk - they tell us how selfish we are when we tell them not to buy anything else for us. *us*. Because we don't want *them* to spend any more of *their* money needlessly, and because we want to be the parents and provide and support our own kid, because we want to spend time together choosing baby items. They protest, "we're not trying to be the mum and dad". Well, isn't providing for the child *part* of parenting? We don't even have the "privilege" of choosing the items for ourselves!! They just go and buy and "surprise!".
Apparently, that is "selfish" for us to want to be the parents. I said to him, "that just proves that they aren't really doing any of it for us, or else why would they call us selfish for refusing their help?"
It's so insulting, too.
They don't care how we feel. They don't respect us. They don't even care about what we really need. They want us to live the way they imagine is appropriate. Example: because we hang up the majority of our clothes, we are in dire need of cabinets. No, we're not. That was one of the non-baby related items they purchased for us. Small drawers for the walk-in closets.
Sometimes, I just wish they'd just let us "crash and burn" if that's how little they think of us. At least, we'd learn something and do better - assuming there is anything wrong with the way we are living at all! What they are doing (my husband calls it "putting us on welfare" - no offense to any of you on welfare for legit reasons) is not helpful. If we meekly accepted everything they gave us, we'd become dependent on them. We'd just get lazy, and this is not something we want to teach our children. It's not helpful to anyone in the long run.
Also, I don't want his sister's psycho b*tching and nasty namecalling towards my husband around our kids.....
and I don't want them to be exposed to the extreme amount of stress that they put on themselves.
This is something that I will tell them myself. I know anything I tell the mum-in-law is always relayed to the sis-in-law, so I'll tell the mum-in-law first. If she acts like that again after I tell her, I'll tell sis-in-law myself.
I'm almost at the point when I want to intervene for these arguments. A united front is going to be the only way to put this down once and for all. I've been allowing them to mistreat him (and us) for far too long. My passivity is part of the problem. There's a huge difference between what I want to do, and what I actually do, and I need to grow a pair.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In-law vent (they just bought furniture w/o asking!)
I'd keep the furniture were it is because you will have more use out of it then the little one maybe in the future. My Mother in law thinks that all of my friends and our families are made out of money and are going to just buy us the big purchases at the shower. I know that isn't gunna happen and I want to be the one to but those things and I will not be putting them on the list because of it. My Fiance and I can't afford maybes.
Next time intervene and tell them simply "Get out of our house. Take this with you we don't need it. If you do not then it will be dontated to someone who does need it." Also make sure the hubby stands with you on this.
I cannot believe you are keeping anything they give you. This is a power trip and as long as you continue to accept things, the more they will give you things and expect you to use it as they see fit.
Your H needs to lay it out for them and stick to it. This is ridiculous, there is no chance we would allow ILs to railroad over our wishes and speak to us like that. GL
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
2] You don't know what you will need yet either. If you have equally generous friends and family at the shower then you might need all the storage space.
3] If for whatever reason you don't want the items then you can thank them but fib and say you've already got furniture on order however, I wouldn't reject good furniture. You might use it later for toddler or NB clothes for subsequent children.
I have infuriating in laws that make me crazy, but they are also the most generous people I've ever met. Count your blessings. Rant about how they try to steamroll you but ultimately you have people trying to help.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
That all being said, I would tell them that as generous as they are being, the furniture simply isn't your taste or won't fit in the room, or whatever, but you really appreciate it. If they want to return it and get their money back then they are more than welcome, but if not you will graciously accept their gift with the understanding that it is yours and you will do what you want with it. I.e. put it in your room where there's more space, paint it to match decor, or sell it to use the money toward something else. It's going to sound a bit harsh, but if you and hubby agree and stick together on it, they will realize that they can't do the power play and control what you do for your child.
As for the negativity, it may not be an issue when baby arrives, they might just be so excited they have nothing bad to say! But if theyre negative, tell them they any be around baby with negative words about daddy. My FIL can't stop cussing around my step daughter, so we told him he couldn't come around until he could hold his tongue. He was angry with us for a couple of weeks, but called and said he wanted to come over. We agreed and haven't had any problems since.
I know your situation isn't like mine, and I'm certainly not an expert, but hopefully you can figure out what works for you so you don't lose your mind. Good luck!
PrimRose,
they do too much. If it was just the one chest of drawers, it wouldn't bother me. If it was just singular isolated incidents, I wouldn't care. Yet, I have previously told them *NOT* to get us anything, that we want to be able to do this together. They don't listen. This is what I mean when I say that they don't respect us and they don't care about our feelings or even our own needs. They do all kinds of things for us that aren't necessary, and some of it does not have to do with children.
I do not want to tell you too much, but the previous poster is correct that we accept what they offer too much. What they have paid for amounts in total literally thousands of dollars, most of them non-baby related. Most of these things we would have been ok paying for ourselves. And it doesn't help that when there are minor family squabbles, the sis-in-law throws it back in my husband's face. She pretty much wants him to live a certain way and when she doesn't get her way, she uses all these "gifts" as a weapon.
I don't blame them for thinking that we can't afford to care for the baby because we have *allowed* them to pay for so much. This is what she told my husband before she left - that we won't be able to afford the baby without her. My husband at first, just threw up his hands and accepted it all because it was so much easier than dealing with their wrath. Now, it's just becoming too much of a problem. He was not mean with her about it. He did not express ungratefulness to her, although that is what she perceived. He was nice to her about it. She blew up in response. She over-reacted. I don't think it was ok for her to treat him like that, to call him names, to shout and holler all over the house, and then to continue it by text message. I appreciate you trying to give me their side of it, and if she had expressed herself a little more civilly, I wouldn't have posted anything at all. Her reaction was extreme. When I'm not around, I'm told that she has even resorted to hitting and pushing, but I've never witnessed that. She is at least verbally abusive.
They *have* helped us out previously when we needed it, and that is something we appreciate them for. Most of these *other* things they have done were not necessary. My sis-in-law wants to move away from their area, but how can they do that when the money she should be saving for a deposit is put on us? Will she blame us in the future if she can't get a house as quickly as she'd like?
2. I am aware that I won't know what I need yet, either. I also know that the baby will need those drawers anyways as it gets older. I won't give back those drawers because they weren't meant for us. My problem is that they have been taking care of us too much. They don't trust us to care for our own business or to make our own mistakes and learn from them. I mean, even if we didn't have enough drawers at first, it's not the end of the world. We'll just get new ones. When my husband said that he feels like we are on "welfare" with everything they are doing for us, that is not too much of an exaggeration. My Mother would not treat us this way. She's always insisted that I take care of myself, and only helped me when I actually needed it. She also doesn't holler and shout all over the place, and she's only ever been verbally abusive when provoked, and not in response to mild suggestions and criticisms. The more I spend time with his family, the more I appreciate my own. In fact, seeing how his sister treats him opened my eyes to ways I have mistreated my own brother in the past. Perhaps, what goes around comes around, and I am getting exactly what I deserve for the things I've said to my own brother. I don't do that to him anymore. It stopped the first time I witnessed sis-in-law blowing up on hubby some years ago. I saw myself in her, and it was not pretty.
3. I wouldn't reject the furniture if it was actually for the baby. I am annoyed that they are taking it upon themselves to pick up items. We want to have that experience ourselves. We want to have the special moments when we pick out baby items and arrange the nursery the way we want it arranged. I think it's ok for me to feel that way and to feel like they are taking that away from us. And I think that it is wrong for them to over-react when we try to tell them that, and tell them not to buy anything else for us.
Prim, I understand that they do a lot for us. I'm not trying to tell people that they are evil incarnate. They are very kind, very loving people, and I am grateful that I have them as in-laws. I love them a lot, but not because of the gifts they give us. They don't need to do anything. I don't want them to feel unwelcome or to feel totally put-out. I know it could be a lot worse. It's just really annoying. I did thank them for everything as they left, but she was so busy muttering and whinging to herself, that I'm not sure they heard me. Frankly, I was so angry with how she hollered at my husband, that I didn't care whether she heard me.
As for baby showers - most of my friends and family are at the other end of the country, so we won't be receiving anything from them. I saw little point in holding one if I have almost no one that will even attend.
Reading your responses gave me an idea, though: perhaps, we *will* have a baby shower after all, but it'll be in the third trimester. I'll tell them that they can buy us baby stuff at the baby shower. I'll tell his sister nicely, and Prim, I'll explain to her that we are grateful for all the things that they have done for us, and perhaps elaborate if that's what she needs to hear. I think one mistake my husband made is that he didn't thank her at first, nor did he recognize her good intentions. He just started out rather abruptly telling her not to buy any more stuff. I can see how that might be off-putting, and I did tell him that, but he just said, "we didn't ask for it". True, but if I want her to respect *our* feelings, we should hold out an olive branch and respect hers, as well. I can be a bit more tactful with her and she'll be more receptive to me than him, so I think I'll be able to explain the plan. That way, we'll have the entire second trimester to pick up the things we need/want to pick up, and if we still don't have everything we need, then we'll tell them. If we're ok, they can just pick up more clothes or toys or something at the shower. This, to me, sounds like a good solution which should make everyone happy.
Prim, thank you so much. I'm worried a little that these little conflicts will alienate the in-laws. They are not horrible people, and I don't want them to feel unwelcome. They are doing things wrong, but perhaps, we're not handling this correctly, either. You've helped me think about this more from their point of view. I do need to stop being so passive, but that doesn't mean I need to be a b&tch about it. And it doesn't mean I have to be inconsiderate to how she feels, either. I'll think more about this, but you have been *really* helpful.
I want to know how the big dresser got into your house to begin with. I was on your side until your posts about the baby shower. If you don't want to be beholden to these people then STOP TAKING THINGS from them. Arranging a baby shower hoax where it's the time and place for her to give you things is still her giving you things!
You have two options:
1) If you want them to give you anything ever, then accept what they give and when they give. Keep things you like and use and then give back or donate what you don't.
2) If you truly want to do this own your own or have your own experience, then stoping taking things (or even money) from them.
You are welcome. A couple things though: while it may be frustrating just let them know you appreciate the thought and generosity. However, you've got all your furniture bought and on order. It's a white lie, but that way you can get some breathing room.
You can't throw your own shower, hun. It's supposed to be a gift thrown for you by a hostess. You never know who might volunteer for that. Your MIL might do it for you. Don't count your chickens!
If no one offers etiquette allows a Meet The Baby Party after LO is here. Everyone can come to meet LO and have a good time. They can bring presents if they desire. Good luck!
Lastly, just because people live across the country or an ocean doesn't mean they won't get you anything! I have friends abroad and at the opposite side of the country that mailed us gifts last time.
You will be ok and everything will work itself out.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Seriously, Tltr, get a flucking blog.
Also, has your DH expressed he also doesn't want them giving you things? Have you tried approaching this by asking them that while you appreciate there generosity, could they include you in the decision making process? Maybe ask you if you'd like to go shopping with them or ask for you opinion?
I would be annoyed by this too, but I agree with PP's that you should no longer accept gifts if you've already told them no.
I was thinking all of this! Maybe you make more money than I do, but you NEVER look a gift horse in the mouth.
The one thing I can agree with OP on is the idea of wanting to pick certain things out yourself. So, instead of just refusing gifts, let them know that you appreciate their generousity, but you had some ideas on style, and "next time" they want to bestow upon you, maybe you could help pick it out, or give them some ideas as to what you DO want.
I also read the follow up to the post I quoted. If you thought you might not have a shower, maybe that's why your in-laws are buying so much stuff. They are worried about you buying everything on your own (even though you are "capable" of doing it yourself). Maybe when your mil and fil started out, no one helped them, and they are excited that they CAN do it for you.
I have a very opinionated family, and I understand how frustrating it can be when you feel like people are telling you you're doing anything wrong. However, you're going to get unsolicited advice from a TON of people, so you better get used to how you and your hubby are going to handle it now.
Good luck to you!