Self-Image issues (Long)

WifeyProverbs31 · December 2012

I have a feeling this will be long and I apologize in advance.

I will give a brief background story. I was a competitive dancer for many years. There was always a lot of pressure on us to stay very thin. I never acknowledged it at the time, but I'm sure every one of us girls on my team had some form of an eating disorder. I would skip meals, or days- without eating (and extreme work outs dancing) to make sure I stayed skinny. In school I was always "the skinny one" but in dance I was just one of the girls.

I realize that even years later, I still struggle with the thought of staying skinny. I worked my BUTT off to lose some weight for my wedding day. At 25 years old I was 117 lbs on my wedding day. My goal was to get to 119.

At some point I decided I didn't really want to just be skinny, but actually fit. I worked out a lot to build muscle etc. I wanted to be thin and toned. I worked real hard at that. Martial arts etc 4-5 times a week. I was real happy with how I was before I became pregnant. That's when martial arts isn't the greatest idea...

Now, my midwife has basically threatened me about putting some weight on before my 20 week appt on Jan 8th. I know I haven't even gained a pound. I don't feel hungry. Ever. I can eat one meal a day and be perfectly fine. I don't experience hunger. Therefore I forget to eat, and therefore I don't gain any weight.

I went to try on some dresses to wear out tonight, and though all I have is a tiny little baby bump, when I look in the mirror I don't see that "glowing pregnant lady" that people talk about. I see a fat girl with a belly. I am struggling so hard to understand that this belly is a GOOD thing. That I am growing a beautiful baby boy in there. That I need to gain weight because he needs to grow up big and healthy. I can say all these things, yet I still have a hard time doing it. I don't know what my problem is.

I have only participated in one HDBD, yet I love seeing everyone's beautiful bellies grow. For some reason I have a hard time with my own.

I don't know what I expect to get out of this. I guess I just need to vent. Maybe someone else out there is experiencing these feelings too? Maybe I just need a hug. When I vent to DH about this stuff he always tells me I am beautiful and that the baby is getting big etc. I love that about him. I just can't convince myself.

WifeyProverbs31 · December 2012

No I know, I appreciate the honesty. If I still haven't gained weight at my next appointment I'll be talking with the midwife more seriously about this.

lesuth · December 2012

I struggled from an eating disorder when I was younger. I actually feel like I completely stopped having those feelings sometime during my first pregnancy. Second trimester tends to be really difficult for the very reason that the baby bumps tend to look more like extra holiday weight than a baby. I can't really offer any advice other than to say that working off the baby weight after my first baby was born seemed to come quite naturally. I didn't work out at all while I was pregnant. I have had a better body image since I was pregnant with my first. Maybe that will happen to you. After all, look what our bodies can/are doing. Good luck!

WifeyProverbs31 · December 2012

acrp:
I definitley have a hard time looking in the mirror these days. I have been pretty fit my whole life so cutting back on the working out was hard and seeing and feeling the changes in my body has been extremely difficult. I hate that my clothes don't fit, I hate that a flight of stairs gets me winded and I really hate it when people tell me I shouldn't worry about the way I look now. Of course the most important thing is the health of the baby and all of these changes are a good thing but knowing that still doesn't make looking in the mirror any easier.

It's comforting to know there are other people out there feeling this same way. Thank you for sharing this.

surpriseaddition · December 2012

I have been visiting this site on and off since finding out I was pregnant. However, after reading your post, I felt I had to join today to respond to you.

I'm sure I have a very different perspective since I already have 2 great kids...14 YEARS old and 12 YEARS old. This new addition has truly been a surprise for DH and I (at 42). Anyway, what you'll come to realize is that the 9 months of being uncomfortable with your body will pay you back with the love of a child for so many wonderful years ahead....you can't even imagine!

Keep the long term goal in mind of all you have to gain from bringing a healthy baby into this world, even if it means "blowing up like a Macy's balloon" which is how I refer to it! The pounds will melt off after giving birth, and you'll be back to your fit set in no time. The weight came right off for both my pregnancies.

Joyfullnoise · December 2012

I think that the reality of pregnancy and the lack of control over one's body are very different for some people than the "advertised" glowing version. For me pregnancy isn't all joy and pampering: it's work. No one can make you be at peace with getting vericose veins or stretch marks but if the health of your beautiful unborn baby is being questioned please accept help!

TheyCalledHerKate · December 2012

Sorry you are feeling this way. Is it possible to see a nutritionist to be sure baby is getting everything he needs? Maybe try to have small snacks throughout the day---fruit, some almonds, yogurt, etc every 2-3 hours to keep yourself nourished but in smaller portions that won't overwhelm you if you're only eating once or twice a day right now. Good luck.

lumosmaxima · December 2012

I had a moment on Christmas Eve where I lost it and cried about my changing shape. I felt very unattractive, the bump looked like a big dinner, and I made the huge mistake of weighing myself (I was curious, and I don't typically track my weight).

But, some things that have helped me have been to remind myself that I am proud of growing a healthy (God willing) baby. He kicks a lot after I eat, and that helps me remember that it is not just me that I am responsible for nourishing! Wearing my regular non-maternity clothes have helped me feel more like "myself" (although the pants require a bella band!) and I actually think show off my belly more as a bump. I haven't participated in HDBD because its hard for me to not compare my body to everyone else's, and I know it isn't healthy for me.

Be 100% honest with your midwife about this. If you are struggling to increase your food intake and cope with the weight gain, don't wait to bring it up for another month. Give yourself a few weeks to make some eating changes and if it is too difficult or you are really having a hard time, call her. Good luck!

cecemama1 · December 2012

I can definitely relate. After graduating college I became obsessed with weight loss and being very thin. Ever since then, it has been a struggle. I also worked my butt off to lose weight for my wedding, but focusing more on being very fit instead of just skinny. Since finding out I was pregnant, I went from being very active (running, pilates, dance, weight lifting) to just light walking/biking about 4-5 times a week.

Even though I didn't gain any actual weight until recently, my body changed quickly from strong and fit to just sort of...ok. I have definitely had times/days where I get very upset about the way I look and feel. My bump is starting to grow a little, and the bigger it gets, the more it helps. Once I know that everyone can distinguish that I am pregnant, I will feel better.

For me, it is really hard to relinquish control of my fitness, which I have worked so hard for, but I just keep focusing on regaining that control little by little after the baby is born. The only thing I can say I am really doing to cope is gritting my teeth and bearing it. I don't feel sexy or attractive. But I am so happy to be pregnant, and I just try to focus on that. Some days I feel fine, others I cry while I get dressed.

jedimindtrick · December 2012

WifeyProverbs31:
. I don't feel hungry. Ever. I can eat one meal a day and be perfectly fine. I don't experience hunger. Therefore I forget to eat, and therefore I don't gain any weight.

I agree with PP and this is the part that concerns me most. We all have some self-image issues with our changing and expanding bodies, but I worry about your and your baby's nutrition. I agree that you should seek some additional help with this. To make sure baby is getting the nutrients it needs. Good luck.

rmcseattle · December 2012

I think we are all in the same boat even if we haven't struggled with an eating disorder. I was in gymnastics from 3-14 years of age and I was on the petite side to begin with my family doctor still thinks it was due to the extreme exercise and fatigue from doing gymnastics 4 days a week during puberty. However since turning 30 and also becoming pregnant I have noticed numerous body changes and for the first time not interested in working out or sports. The weight gain has been hard to get used too...but I am beyond the moon excited to be pregnant and helping my little bean grow. I have dreams about running and doing crossfit. So hang in there and remember you are growing a person and their little body is growing!!

WifeyProverbs31 · December 2012

Thank you so much for the comments, everyone. I am focusing on the end prize. I need to do everything in my power to bring home a healthy baby boy.

rebaann · December 2012

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer a {{hug}}.

star510 · December 2012

I can somewhat relate. Growing up my sister was stick thin. I was never overweight, I was just normal. My family would call me "fluffy" as in "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy". After I graduated college I became more and more concerned about my weight. I started working out and watching my weight. For years now I have been watching what I eat, exercising, and weighing myself daily. I lost about 15-20 pounds and got down to 115 (at 29 years old), which is what I was as a freshman in high school.

For me, this pregnancy wasn't planned, and I never thought I would get pregnant, so I haven't had a lot of time to mentally adjust to the changes that would happen in my body. During first trimester I started losing weight and was down to 113 at one point, which is a number I have never seen on the scale as an adult. I had to try and change my thinking and realize that it was okay to eat an occasional candy bar, that I (and my baby) needed the calories.

Recently my hunger has skyrocketed and I've been gaining weight. I am now up to 127. It is really hard to reprogram my brain from years of thinking numbers going down is good, to thinking numbers going up is good. I'm having a lot harder time with the changes happening in my body than I expected.

I've come up with goals based on the number of weeks. For example, I'm supposed to gain 10 pounds in the first 20 weeks, and then 1 pound a week after that. Tuesday is week 21 for me so I need to have gained 11 pounds. That helps me to think about it that way to make sure I'm on track. But it is still hard. For example, my goal for my doctor's appointment on Thursday is to be at 126, and this morning I stepped on the scale and saw 127. I told myself I needed to watch what I eat over the next few days to either not gain any more weight or lose a pound to be back to my goal. Yes, I know that really isn't good, but old habits die hard.

I'm a very goal-oriented person, and it sounds like you are too. You mentioned forgetting to eat. Do you think it would work if you made yourself a schedule of what to eat ahead of time, and make it your goal to eat all of that? Look up how many calories and what nutrients you need (maybe work with a nutritionist if need be), and plan out breakfast will be cereal and fruit, 10 AM snack a granola bar, lunch a sandwich and some veggies, 2 PM snack a yogurt and some nuts etc. And maybe even prepare the stuff ahead of time, pack baggies of healthy (but not lacking in nutrients and calories) snacks and bring them with you. Then at the end of the day check off that you've eaten everything. Just a thought. And if you need to, take it a step further. If you're packing food to go, or even putting together food to put in your fridge at home. Label some of your food baby x's food. That way you are remembering you are not just eating for yourself. Once your baby is born, would you let him or her go all day without eating? The same goes for now.

bananers · December 2012

I think it's normal to feel self-conscious about your changing shape. This morning I stepped on the scale and the number honestly SCARED me, even though I know logically I'm within the normal range. I just haven't seen a number anywhere close to that, ever!

However, what you're describing definitely sounds like it goes beyond the normal self-conscious feelings. I agree with the others who say that it sounds like your eating disorder is not in the past. I definitely think counseling would help a lot, and I wouldn't necessarily wait until your next doctor appointment to seek it out. What you're describing has less to do with the lack of weight you've gained, and more to do with your overall attitude toward food. Good luck, and ((hugs)).

LaxMOM44 · December 2012

Thank you for the post. I am having a hard time loving what looks like a fat gut. I alway thought pregnancy would be this perfect round belly but I am definitely gaining weight all around. My husband thinks it's beautiful but I can't bear to be in anything but an oversized sweater....not even going to start with what this is doing to the sex life. I am excited and I eat healthy all day. In fact I haven't even gained that much weight but the lack of control over my body, the fact that I am wearing clothes that I don't want to wear and the fact that everyone around me has a comment about my weight or my tummy is getting to me. I also feel terrible for whining about this when I low how lucky I am to have a healthy baby inside me and that this is only temporary, but I feel like a lot of my identity is disappear behind this belly.

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