Vent Regarding DH-Long

heathbar10210 · December 2012

I am at the end of my rope with DH's laziness! I seriously cannot take it anymore! DH owns his own company which he basically tanked because of bad business decisions. He spent all of our money trying to save said business and cost us our house and almost cost me my car. We both work and have divided the financial responsibilities (DH-house payment, car payment, cell phones-they are under his business and my line is free anyways, me-car insurances, utilities, groceries, gas, dates, clothes and any other incidentals) so it was a shock to me to learn that our house payment was so far behind and that my car payment was so far behind (we have no joint accounts-long story).

We moved in with my brother and got a storage unit to store most of our stuff. DH's responsibility was to clean up our house and mine was to get our new 'house' looking nice along with the baby's room. I did my end; DH did not. I ended up having to go over to the old house and clean up the rest of everything, shampoo the carpets, etc because he didn't want to do it.

DH does have another job right now, but he chooses his hours and basically he works less than 20 hours per week. It is purely commission based and rather than go in and try to get more sales he stays home and sleeps. I on the other hand work 40+ hours per week, make our meals and do the cleaning.

I have an amazing co-worker who offered to pay a large portion of our back payments on our house so we could set up a payment plan! DH and I decided to take the offer (co-worker said we did not have to pay it back or if we really wanted to then we could take our time to do so!-we plan on paying back the co-worker when we get back on our feet) and have been able to get our house back (hallelujah!). While DH was out of town my family and myself moved us back into our house. DH arrived home the next day and he was supposed to help unpack everything since he did not help move. He didn't. I have pretty much done all the unpacking by myself while working and making us meals. Not happy!

We hosted Christmas this year because it was so close to my due date that we wanted to be close to the hospital just in case. I did all the cleaning. DH got pissed because I was yelling at him for not helping and instead sleeping all the time. I told him that if he wanted me to stop yelling at him for not helping then maybe he should start helping. He barely helped and barely worked.

I ask him to do simple things around the house to help keep our house clean (load the dishwasher, take out the trash, do a load of laundry, clean up his messes, etc) and he gets angry at me because I ask him to do it. He tells me that he never gets to rest because he is always doing something around the house. I really wish that was true...in turn I always get mad at him for being such a lazy ***.

I am not nesting by any stretch of the imagination and I am not OCD. I am just trying to keep the house semi-clean before LO gets here so I'm not as stressed about the state of the house when people come visit LO. I am just fed up with how lazy DH is and how if I wake him up (it could be 11 am and he still gets pissed off I woke him up!-this does not include his three or so naps per day he takes!) he becomes this big man child who won't do anything.

I don't think it's much to ask DH to take care of his dirty dishes from his snack the night before or to pick up the food mess he made on the kitchen floor or to load the dishwasher a couple of times per week. I'm really worried that if he is this lazy now nothing will change when LO comes. I'm also really worried that he will be no help taking care of LO and I'll be doing it all by myself.

Part of me wonders if he is just depressed with how things turned out with his business and this is how he is dealing with it...either way I cannot take this laziness anymore. Anyone else going through something similar? Any ideas on how to get him to help out more and stop sleeping so much (15ish hours per day seems a bit excessive to me)?

If you seriously made it through this whole vent you should totally go get yourself an amazing snack because you deserve it! Thanks for letting me vent!

laurapacheco · December 2012

Sorry you're going through this... if this behavior is relatively new, then you are probably right about the loss of the business & such being the cause. Either way, I'd suggest you guys go to couples counseling, even if it's just for a couple sessions, to work through it. Also I'd try changing the way you approach him... if he's already feeling like a failure because of the business, yelling/getting angry & calling him lazy, etc. is only going to make it worse. Instead, play the "pregnant and can't do much" card and make it seem like he'd be doing you a huge favor by helping more around the house. Then when he does something, even if it's the most miniscule thing, follow up with tons of positive reinforcement-- lots of thank you's, etc. This seems to work best with me DH-- if I get angry, he gets defensive, and nothing gets done... it's a vicious cycle! GL

82Sonia · December 2012

Time for counseling. If he won't go, you need to go alone. It's probably a good thing that your finances are separate already. It's probably too early for an exit strategy but you need to start thinking about what you'll do if he doesn't get his act together. Sorry you are going through this.

jessalared · December 2012

Ditto counseling. I definitely think he's depressed, noone should be sleeping that much. Wait and see how he is when LO gets here if nothing changes then I would seriously consider leaving, even if it's only for a wake up call. I'm so sorry you are going through this! At this stage of the game we need all the support we can get, even more so after our babies get here.

stardust317 · December 2012

DH goes through periods where he is pretty much worthless. It usually revolves around his stress levels at work.

I've noticed talking to him doesn't help much. He gets defensive or deflects things back on me.

I don't have much advise, but I know that it sucks.

spainy17 · December 2012

I also would stop doing the stuff you ask him to do. As hard as that is to watch things get messy or stuff stay in boxes, you might have to try it. Right now you ask him and then yell at him to do something but then you end up doing it anyway and he knows that - he is basically calling your bluff by not doing anything. You need to up the ante and either get more effective with your anger (start talking about counseling, separation options) or back off on doing his part. He sounds depressed and that sucks his business fell though but he needs to see that there are bigger priorities to focus on right now and you cannot do that for him. I am so sorry you are dealing with this pregnant - just focus on you and your little one.

OliveBeckett · December 2012

I am a huge fan of Dave Ramsey's financial philosophy. I would seek marriage counseling immediately and go to a one of ramsey's financial peace university courses google fpu to find a church in your area. It is not good to be on such different pages financially and to have separate accounts. You should be on the same page and working towards goals you both are happy with.
Start with those two and see where it goes. I hope you can work things out. I don't know how I would handle that stress when I felt so alone. And it sounds like you are pretty much alone.

Bride-hilda · December 2012

Sounds like he's depressed.

So, in case you didn't know, here's the problem with our society: If a house is dirty, we blame the wife. Despite the fact that the wife works more than the husband. If a couple comes over for dinner, we expect the wife to help in the kitchen. We don't expect that of the husband. So the woman feels responsible for cooking and cleaning, and the man doesn't, so the man cares a whole heck of a lot less about the cleanliness of his house than his wife does.

I'm not saying this happens all the time, but it happens a LOT.

The solution? Communication. "I words" and all that.

CocoR04 · December 2012

I think he is depressed, too. However, that is not an excuse to not be a working part of your marriage. I suggest counseling, too. He needs to see a doctor and perhaps receive some therapy or medication.

hisnhers · December 2012

I agree that if this is fairly recent behaviour that its likely to do with losing his business and becoming a father. Still sucks majorly for you though!!!!

Not quite sure what councelling would achieve though. Perhaps all he needs is to feel in charge again? Maybe put up a board with all your chores and the time frame they need to be completed in, that way he can decide when to complete them; if he has a competitive edge you can tick of each completed task with your names against who did it, to stir him up a bit, though this could backfire if he is depressed

Be sure to compile the list and agree on deadlines together though! Otherwise its just another thing that has to be done "your way"!

Good luck!! I hope he snaps out of it!!

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