Don't Want a Shower, MIL sent invites without my knowledge anyway

dalzien · December 2012

I need some advice about what to do here ladies. This is long.

My MIL and I have always had our differences, which seem to have become compounded since DH and I have become pregnant. When asked when I wanted a shower (this is our first baby), I was very open and honest and told her that I did not want one. I don't like them, and for my wedding shower (which I also did not want... and she threw anyway) it felt really all about getting gifts and not about DH and I.

Anyways, we had gotten into an argument about the shower just before Christmas (MIL: You're having a shower, you'll want a shower Me: I think showers are tacky and I don't need people to buy our things).

I told her that DH and I were planning on a sort of "Sip and See" after the baby was born, just so people could stop by, say hi, see the baby, then leave lol. Times are tight for everybody, and I have always felt awkward accepting gifts from people (even at birthdays).

My mother called me last night to let me know that she got my baby shower invitation in the mail. She was confused because her and I both feel the same about showers, and she knows I do not want one.

Now I don't know what to do. The shower is for the 1st week in February. I am really upset. My mother wants to get the guest list (which I have no idea who is invited) to call people to let them know there is a misunderstanding and that we will not be having a shower, but DH says I should leave it be, suck it up, and go to give his mother the opportunity to throw a shower. If it matters she threw a shower for her daughter (aka SIL) when our nephew was born almost 6 years ago now, so it's not about missing the experience.

MoreThanABride · December 2012

I think you should let her do it. It sounds like she really wants to do this to be nice even if it is against your wishes.

I think calling people to cancel would be tacky.

Some people just like showers. I have had a lot of family members seem disappointed that we are not having one for DD2 even though we don't need much.

court115 · December 2012

I can understand not wanting a shower. I find accepting gifts from people awkward too. But the way I look at it is, if they really didn't want to give us anything or if their budget was tight, they either wouldn't do it or give something in their price range.

While I understand being pissed that she went behind your back and sent out the invitations after you told her many times that you didn't want a shower, what's done is done. I would just grin and bear it at this point. I wouldn't call everyone in the guest list and tell them that its canceled.

rmp25 · December 2012

I agree I think to call people now and try to cancel would look tacky and ungrateful.

I know that you don't need people to buy your baby things, but in all honesty I do not mind to buy gifts for wedding/baby showers because I remember how many people came to my showers and bought things for us. Also everytime use something that someone else has bought for us, I always think of that person and how blessed we are to have wonderful people in our life.

brachysira · December 2012

I think it would be confusing and embarrassing to call people and say the shower was a misunderstanding. It's not like this is the worst thing to happen. You can just be gracious, accept the gifts, and write nice thank yous. If you want, spread the word that it is a gift-optional shower and help MIL plan some good food or whatever you think the guests will like.

Pearls+Oysters · December 2012

I wouldn't appreciate getting an invitation followed by a phone call saying "Sorry, misunderstanding, no shower!" Personally, I would feel like my invitation was sent by mistake, and that you didn't want me there...

Also, you need to learn to let it go. Having an unwanted shower is better than having your SO's family totally unexcited for your LO coming. Get some perspective... If people are short on money, they either won't show up or get you a 10$ gift that really, should be meaningful anyways since you don't want gifts, right?

dalzien · December 2012

brachysira:
spread the word that it is a gift-optional shower

How would you do this? Like I said I have no idea who she invited, if it weren't for my mother I wouldn't have even known the date.

Honestly, at the wedding shower it was some members of my family, none of my friends, and the rest were her family and friends that I do not know. There was nothing more awkward than opening gifts in front of a room where you only knew about 1/4 of the people.

krissywave · December 2012

I am sure this is not what the normal would say but I would say something to your MIL and tell her how you feel. This was not her place send out invites. Since you have told her that you didnt want a shower.

I wish you the best of luck with your MIL.

Rosebean · December 2012

How did your MIL plan on getting you to the shower? If she knows you don't want one, and planned one behind your back, who's to say you have to show up?!? This may be a bit extreme, but how embarrassing for her if she threw you a shower and had to explain your absence to the guests. The vindictive red head in me says to pretend like you don't know about the shower then wait to see what she does to get you there... And if she tries to spring it as a surprise, tell her you already have plans for that day. Can't change them. Too bad, so sad.

And your hubby should be siding with you. He married you, not his mother. If you don't want one, then it is up to your MIL to make it right... And he should be backing you up. Plain and simple. Men who side with their mothers over their wives is a Dr.Phil no-no.

dalzien · December 2012

jessicadube:
Having an unwanted shower is better than having your SO's family totally unexcited for your LO coming. Get some perspective... If people are short on money, they either won't show up or get you a 10$ gift that really, should be meaningful anyways since you don't want gifts, right?

MIL is incredibly overbearing and far too excited for LO. We've had it out so many times about our differences in how DH and I plan on raising our children. When we told her that we were not getting our children baptized she said she would take LO to go and get it done without our permission. If it weren't for the ladies on this board who provided much needed advice I would have lost it.

From the day we got pregnant I have been very clear about my views on a shower. I wouldn't say that I am socially inept, but I am definitely awkward in a room full of strangers. When we told her we wanted something like a "Sip and See" her response was to have both to get "twice as much shiit". This is her attitude. "You should register at Snugglebugz and Rattle and Stroll". I'm not registering anywhere. No I don't want gifts, which is why I like what a PP said about trying to spread the word of "gift-optional" or just something like "you're presence is all that is required".

artroyer · December 2012

I agree with everyone else that trying to call and cancel on people is tacky. Be grateful that someone cares enough to want to do this for you. She is not implying that you need someone to buy stuff for you. She also probably thought that doing it as a surprise would be nice and that you'd actually like the gesture. I guess I also don't really understand your aversion to having a baby shower... I get not wanting attention or feeling awkward accepting gifts, but it kind of goes with the territory. Haven't people bought you some things already? And don't you think they will afterwards anyways?

dalzien · December 2012

Rosebean:
How did your MIL plan on getting you to the shower? If she knows you don't want one, and planned one behind your back, who's to say you have to show up?!? This may be a bit extreme, but how embarrassing for her if she threw you a shower and had to explain your absence to the guests. The vindictive red head in me says to pretend like you don't know about the shower then wait to see what she does to get you there... And if she tries to spring it as a surprise, tell her you already have plans for that day. Can't change them. Too bad, so sad.
And your hubby should be siding with you. He married you, not his mother. If you don't want one, then it is up to your MIL to make it right... And he should be backing you up. Plain and simple. Men who side with their mothers over their wives is a Dr.Phil no-no.

I think it was supposed to be a surprise shower, because I never would have agreed to have one. I can definitely see the appeal in just not showing up (believe me I've given it great thought lol), but it definitely wouldn't be taking the high road.

There is nothing wrong with people having showers, but in my family we just... don't. It's like how some families feel it is perfectly normal to have a shower for every baby (I don't agree, but to each their own traditions). I know I probably come off as ungrateful, but she knew how I felt and did it behind my back anyway. The Dr. Phil comment is awesome. My friend swears by his advice lol.

dalzien · December 2012

artroyer:
I agree with everyone else that trying to call and cancel on people is tacky. Be grateful that someone cares enough to want to do this for you. She is not implying that you need someone to buy stuff for you. She also probably thought that doing it as a surprise would be nice and that you'd actually like the gesture. I guess I also don't really understand your aversion to having a baby shower... I get not wanting attention or feeling awkward accepting gifts, but it kind of goes with the territory. Haven't people bought you some things already? And don't you think they will afterwards anyways?

No. No one has bought us anything. I don't know if they would afterwards, we're the first on my side of the family to have a baby. We have most of what we need, the only things missing are the car seat and stroller. We've researched most of what we need, and I've read the forums and articles here to get advice about what is and isn't necessary.

theimpossibleastronaut · December 2012

dalzien:
jessicadube:
Having an unwanted shower is better than having your SO's family totally unexcited for your LO coming. Get some perspective... If people are short on money, they either won't show up or get you a 10$ gift that really, should be meaningful anyways since you don't want gifts, right?
MIL is incredibly overbearing and far too excited for LO. We've had it out so many times about our differences in how DH and I plan on raising our children. When we told her that we were not getting our children baptized she said she would take LO to go and get it done without our permission. If it weren't for the ladies on this board who provided much needed advice I would have lost it.
From the day we got pregnant I have been very clear about my views on a shower. I wouldn't say that I am socially inept, but I am definitely awkward in a room full of strangers. When we told her we wanted something like a "Sip and See" her response was to have both to get "twice as much shiit". This is her attitude. "You should register at Snugglebugz and Rattle and Stroll". I'm not registering anywhere. No I don't want gifts, which is why I like what a PP said about trying to spread the word of "gift-optional" or just something like "you're presence is all that is required".

Even if this is the case, I don't think you should mention gifts at all to anyone. That seems really awkward to me, especially for a baby shower. Since you don't have a registry anyway, people will just buy you what they want to get you and what they can afford. You'll probably get clothes and maybe some nice hand-made things. If some of the guests are moms, they might buy you things they found useful.

I completely understand about the overbearing thing. We had a similar situation and talked to MIL about how her attitude was affecting us. It really helped, and she's been much better. I hope that your MIL calms down a bit.

Pearls+Oysters · December 2012

dalzien:
jessicadube:
Having an unwanted shower is better than having your SO's family totally unexcited for your LO coming. Get some perspective... If people are short on money, they either won't show up or get you a 10$ gift that really, should be meaningful anyways since you don't want gifts, right?
MIL is incredibly overbearing and far too excited for LO. We've had it out so many times about our differences in how DH and I plan on raising our children. When we told her that we were not getting our children baptized she said she would take LO to go and get it done without our permission. If it weren't for the ladies on this board who provided much needed advice I would have lost it.
From the day we got pregnant I have been very clear about my views on a shower. I wouldn't say that I am socially inept, but I am definitely awkward in a room full of strangers. When we told her we wanted something like a "Sip and See" her response was to have both to get "twice as much shiit". This is her attitude. "You should register at Snugglebugz and Rattle and Stroll". I'm not registering anywhere. No I don't want gifts, which is why I like what a PP said about trying to spread the word of "gift-optional" or just something like "you're presence is all that is required".

Wether or not you've been very clear, wether or not you are adamant that you do not want a shower, one is in the works anyways. This is where you learn to deal with it, because it doesn't matter.

It's not her threatening to baptize your child behind your back, it's not her saying she will feed your child solids at 2 months old, it's not her telling you how to raise that child. It's her throwing you a freaking shower, more for her than for you I agree, yet it is still JUST a shower.

I know, it pisses you off that she went behind your back, and it would piss me off too, if I were to be in your situation. But if this is what she's going to do, appreciate that this is ALL she is going to do... Choose your battles, they will come sooner than later, I feel.

ETA And good luck, sincerely...

caladpi02 · December 2012

Deal with it. It's one shower for about 2 hours. There are plenty of people who would love a shower and don't have one. There are far worse things in life than someone throwing a party to celebrate a milestone in your lifebecoming a mother.
I was also antibaby and bridal shower, but I did both, and I understand your thoughts. It's not necessarily about gifts, it's a celebration of a big event in your life. You sound like a petulant teenager that wants to cancel their birthday.
Grow up and appreciate the gesture. Your MIL is trying to do something loving and nice for you. Perhaps the guest list was so skewed for your bridal shower because you refused to cooperate and give her names of your family and friends.
Nothing is more unattractive and rude than an ungrateful gift recipient. Frankly, if this was your attitude at your bridal shower, I am surprised she is willing to throw you a baby shower. You sound bratty and sanctimonious.

Bink720 · December 2012

genepoolperfect:
Rosebean:
How did your MIL plan on getting you to the shower? If she knows you don't want one, and planned one behind your back, who's to say you have to show up?!? This may be a bit extreme, but how embarrassing for her if she threw you a shower and had to explain your absence to the guests. The vindictive red head in me says to pretend like you don't know about the shower then wait to see what she does to get you there... And if she tries to spring it as a surprise, tell her you already have plans for that day. Can't change them. Too bad, so sad.
I'm with Rosebean on this. Think of the egg on her face when you don't show up to "your" shower. It was extremely rude of her not to take your wishes into consideration (especially when she did it once before for your wedding shower). In fact plan something completely different for that day and do that instead. I would not show up and be a gloomy Gus, because then it really does look like you're being ungrateful instead of your MIL hijacking and laying poorly laid plans.

That is incredibly passive aggressive and rude to all of the people who care about you enough to take time out of their lives to show support for you and your H. They didn't do anything wrong. Yea, MIL's are a pain in the @ss. We all have one and most of us don't get along with them. But to insult everyone who shows up, because you want to get back at your MIL. That's childish and tacky. And your Mom already knows you know. It will get out that you knew about the shower and blew everyone off.

I say suck it up. It's one day. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't something worth getting this upset about. You will have plenty of other things to argue with your MIL about once the baby is here. I say let it slide and try to look at the fact that at least it's coming from a good place. She's trying to do something that most people would consider nice to support you and your family. It may be a misguided attempt, but at least she cares enough to try.

theimpossibleastronaut · December 2012

caladpi02:
Deal with it. It's one shower for about 2 hours. There are plenty of people who would love a shower and don't have one. There are far worse things in life than someone throwing a party to celebrate a milestone in your lifebecoming a mother. I was also antibaby and bridal shower, but I did both, and I understand your thoughts. It's not necessarily about gifts, it's a celebration of a big event in your life. You sound like a petulant teenager that wants to cancel their birthday. Grow up and appreciate the gesture. Your MIL is trying to do something loving and nice for you. Perhaps the guest list was so skewed for your bridal shower because you refused to cooperate and give her names of your family and friends. Nothing is more unattractive and rude than an ungrateful gift recipient. Frankly, if this was your attitude at your bridal shower, I am surprised she is willing to throw you a baby shower. You sound bratty and sanctimonious.

While I agree that the OP should probably just have the shower, I don't think she sounds bratty or sanctimonious. She said that showers aren't done in her family, and she had discussed her wishes with her MIL previously. I think that the real issue is that her MIL did something behind her back, which no one ever likes. I would be mad about that too.

meggipi5 · December 2012

MoreThanABride:
I think you should let her do it. It sounds like she really wants to do this to be nice even if it is against your wishes. I think calling people to cancel would be tacky. Some people just like showers. I have had a lot of family members seem disappointed that we are not having one for DD2 even though we don't need much.

I agree with all of this and your DH. I am so sorry she went against your wishes, that was pretty rude of her. However, it might be better for your relationship to just let this pass.

wifeofadam · December 2012

Take the gift of the shower. It is a blessing.

jglenn4 · December 2012

+adamwife+:
Take the gift of the shower. It is a blessing.

This.

I'm not going to judge your wishes or reaction regarding the shower. I do know, however, that there are quite a few posts on here where women are hurt that nobody stepped forward to throw them a shower.

highlights · December 2012

OP, your MIL just did you a favor, really. She just showed her real colors and gave you the upper hand. She just told you that she has no respect for you or for your wishes. Be thankful that it was over a shower and not the baptism or baby's first hair cut or a million other things that could be a "big deal."

So here is what you do, you go to that shower and you are the sweetest most gracious person that you could possibly be. When MIL starts in on how wonderful the shower is, how wonderful she is, all you say is "It was a lovely shower. Thanks MIL."

Then when she starts in on getting the baby's first haircut and your husband wants MIL to take the baby for the afternoon, all you'll need to say is "remember the shower?"

She just basically told you that for the rest of your relationship that she's going to do whatever the hell she wants. So now you have proof to share with her and your husband.

brachysira · December 2012

It was my suggestion to spread the gifts-optional word. If it's all MIL's friends, maybe MIL would do it. At least you can tell your friends and people you think would be burdened. Maybe MIL's friends are in a better position to give gifts and if you don't even know these people, it's not like it's a big deal if they think you're being selfish (and most people don't see showers this way). If she really wants you to register, maybe you can just choose some fun things like baby sunglasses and cloth books that you wouldn't already have or really need and that wouldn't cost people too much. You could also tell your MIL that you are just a pretty timid person when it comes to crowds, and while you really appreciate her doing this nice thing (although you don't), could she please plan that you don't open gifts in front of others and aren't in the spotlight? Maybe she can be reasonable if you work with her, and she just misread your request for no shower as you trying to be polite rather than a strong position against it.

theimpossibleastronaut · December 2012

brachysira:
It was my suggestion to spread the gifts-optional word. If it's all MIL's friends, maybe MIL would do it. At least you can tell your friends and people you think would be burdened. Maybe MIL's friends are in a better position to give gifts and if you don't even know these people, it's not like it's a big deal if they think you're being selfish (and most people don't see showers this way). If she really wants you to register, maybe you can just choose some fun things like baby sunglasses and cloth books that you wouldn't already have or really need and that wouldn't cost people too much. You could also tell your MIL that you are just a pretty timid person when it comes to crowds, and while you really appreciate her doing this nice thing (although you don't), could she please plan that you don't open gifts in front of others and aren't in the spotlight? Maybe she can be reasonable if you work with her, and she just misread your request for no shower as you trying to be polite rather than a strong position against it.

This is an option, but as a guest at a shower, I would be kind of miffed if my gift wasn't opened. Maybe they could make it a display shower instead? The guests don't wrap the gifts. They are all displayed on the tables and people get to go up and look at everything. I have been to a baby shower like this and it worked.

brachysira · December 2012

RiverSong82:
brachysira:
It was my suggestion to spread the gifts-optional word. If it's all MIL's friends, maybe MIL would do it. At least you can tell your friends and people you think would be burdened. Maybe MIL's friends are in a better position to give gifts and if you don't even know these people, it's not like it's a big deal if they think you're being selfish (and most people don't see showers this way). If she really wants you to register, maybe you can just choose some fun things like baby sunglasses and cloth books that you wouldn't already have or really need and that wouldn't cost people too much. You could also tell your MIL that you are just a pretty timid person when it comes to crowds, and while you really appreciate her doing this nice thing (although you don't), could she please plan that you don't open gifts in front of others and aren't in the spotlight? Maybe she can be reasonable if you work with her, and she just misread your request for no shower as you trying to be polite rather than a strong position against it.
This is an option, but as a guest at a shower, I would be kind of miffed if my gift wasn't opened. Maybe they could make it a display shower instead? The guests don't wrap the gifts. They are all displayed on the tables and people get to go up and look at everything. I have been to a baby shower like this and it worked.

Yeah, that's an idea. At my shower I invited some international students and others who may not exactly know baby shower customs and I'm not sure who will bring gifts, so we'll only open them if there are enough gifts and attendees so it seems like people won't be embarrassed if they didn't bring something. In general, I think you just have to be polite. Having a kid means doing things outside your own comfort zone more and more so this can be practice.

Chocodoxies · December 2012

I am not trying to be harsh here, so forgive me if I sound that way. Having a baby is not about you. I know, shocker, but it isn't. It is about a family being built. It is about the "village" (your two families) getting bigger. It is about two people literally coming together and creating a person, but it is not about the mother and her big belly. Our society has lost sight of this, but that doesn't change the fact that the reality is still there. This is why strangers share information without you asking. This is why people you don't know feel comfortable rubbing your belly (annoying). This is why there are even MORE opinions than buttholes out there. Because really, it isn't about the mother, it is about so much more than her and when she gives birth she will be hurt to find that no one really is that interested in her, but now all attention is showered upon this baby.

What I am saying is that you expressed your opinion, and it was ignored. I would be furious, but you need to suck it up. If you had married one of your brothers, and therefore your family had not blended with another family, you could say that your family just "doesn't do" showers, but that isn't the case. This baby is bringing together two families and uniting them forever, expanding a village. Those people want to celebrate that and if you have any interest in your child having that village around them to support them throughout their life, you are going to have accept some changes are beyond your control.

You say that you don't like the showers because they feel as though they are more about gifts than about you and your husband, but you are failing to see that gift giving is how many people show love. By refusing others the right to share their love and happiness with you you are doing the opposite of what you claim you want. You are making it all about you and not at all about your baby and the village that wants to celebrate him or her. Failing to allow these people the chance to celebrate and shower you with love is selfish, though you may not see that. The not selfish thing to do is to be a pleasant person whilst accepting the love that you are given.

ahcantrell90 · December 2012

I know how you feel. I didn't want a shower either. But it would be tacky on your part to call and cancel. The best thing to do would be to suck it up and go.

I'm sorry your MIL didn't listen. I know how that goes.

Chocodoxies · December 2012

highlights:
OP, your MIL just did you a favor, really. She just showed her real colors and gave you the upper hand. She just told you that she has no respect for you or for your wishes. Be thankful that it was over a shower and not the baptism or baby's first hair cut or a million other things that could be a "big deal."
So here is what you do, you go to that shower and you are the sweetest most gracious person that you could possibly be. When MIL starts in on how wonderful the shower is, how wonderful she is, all you say is "It was a lovely shower. Thanks MIL."
Then when she starts in on getting the baby's first haircut and your husband wants MIL to take the baby for the afternoon, all you'll need to say is "remember the shower?"
She just basically told you that for the rest of your relationship that she's going to do whatever the hell she wants. So now you have proof to share with her and your husband.

This is fantastic advice! Everything said here is square on.

saturdaynightdoubletree · December 2012

I feel the same way you do about showers, but like pp said it would be tacky of you to call it off, and not worth the fight with MIL. I was thrown a surprise shower with DD, nothing for DS, and this time I have been asked and offered a shower from every one of my friends and just don't see the need! DH's friend just threw himself a huggies and chuggies party, which wouldn't have been terrible if someone had done it for him vs throwing himself (and family) a party, and diapers are so darn expensive! Just don't register, let people buy/bring what they want which might be more sentimental and less money for them. Some people like throwing parties, sounds like MIL is one of those people and doesn't see it as soliciting gifts from family and friends. Grin and bare it. You'll appreciate the gifts, especially if someone gets you something you may not have thought of. GL!

ally2011 · December 2012

Chocodoxies:
I am not trying to be harsh here, so forgive me if I sound that way. Having a baby is not about you. I know, shocker, but it isn't. It is about a family being built. It is about the "village" (your two families) getting bigger. It is about two people literally coming together and creating a person, but it is not about the mother and her big belly. Our society has lost sight of this, but that doesn't change the fact that the reality is still there. This is why strangers share information without you asking. This is why people you don't know feel comfortable rubbing your belly (annoying). This is why there are even MORE opinions than buttholes out there. Because really, it isn't about the mother, it is about so much more than her and when she gives birth she will be hurt to find that no one really is that interested in her, but now all attention is showered upon this baby.
What I am saying is that you expressed your opinion, and it was ignored. I would be furious, but you need to suck it up. If you had married one of your brothers, and therefore your family had not blended with another family, you could say that your family just "doesn't do" showers, but that isn't the case. This baby is bringing together two families and uniting them forever, expanding a village. Those people want to celebrate that and if you have any interest in your child having that village around them to support them throughout their life, you are going to have accept some changes are beyond your control.
You say that you don't like the showers because they feel as though they are more about gifts than about you and your husband, but you are failing to see that gift giving is how many people show love. By refusing others the right to share their love and happiness with you you are doing the opposite of what you claim you want. You are making it all about you and not at all about your baby and the village that wants to celebrate him or her. Failing to allow these people the chance to celebrate and shower you with love is selfish, though you may not see that. The not selfish thing to do is to be a pleasant person whilst accepting the love that you are given.

This is the best advice here. Agree completely.

Bride-hilda · December 2012

Shower's aren't tacky, but yes, they ARE pretty much all about gifts. People come to SHOWER you with presents. The idea is that, hey, you might need stuff because your life is about to drastically change. People ENJOY giving people presents. Gift giving is one of the 5 languages of love.

Look at it this way, your MIL gets to throw a shower and show her excitement for her new grandchild, and you hardly have to do a darn thing.

I say go, have a piece of cake, thank everyone for the gifts, thank her, and rejoice in the fact that this is the last shower you'll ever have.

Sure, it's horribly obnoxious that she did this without your approval, but in-laws are like that. They get it stuck in their head that family needs certain rites of passages. Your part of a family with different traditions now, and that's going to make for lots of confrontation. Pick your battles well.

watermellens · December 2012

wow your MIL sounds like a piece of work! I'm sorry she did that against your wishes. I would make very clear that you're unhappy that she did that, but then try to put it behind you and go to the shower. Invites were already sent out and they can't be taken back. How does your DH feel about this? Crappy situation, sorry

Unknown · December 2012

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lbonga1 · December 2012

That seems really rude of her to just mail out invites like that. But I think it would make the situation even more awkward to call the invited guests and cancel. People just like to celebrate special occasions. I feel the same way about accepting gifts, especially since I'm young and I know all of my friends are on tight budgets. That's why my fianc and I decided to have a BBQ to celebrate the baby coming instead of a normal shower. Maybe to ease the tension you could let the invited guests know that gifts are unnecessary and you are only hoping for their company.

adamsabigail14 · December 2012

Chocodoxies:
I am not trying to be harsh here, so forgive me if I sound that way. Having a baby is not about you. I know, shocker, but it isn't. It is about a family being built. It is about the "village" (your two families) getting bigger. It is about two people literally coming together and creating a person, but it is not about the mother and her big belly. Our society has lost sight of this, but that doesn't change the fact that the reality is still there. This is why strangers share information without you asking. This is why people you don't know feel comfortable rubbing your belly (annoying). This is why there are even MORE opinions than buttholes out there. Because really, it isn't about the mother, it is about so much more than her and when she gives birth she will be hurt to find that no one really is that interested in her, but now all attention is showered upon this baby.
What I am saying is that you expressed your opinion, and it was ignored. I would be furious, but you need to suck it up. If you had married one of your brothers, and therefore your family had not blended with another family, you could say that your family just "doesn't do" showers, but that isn't the case. This baby is bringing together two families and uniting them forever, expanding a village. Those people want to celebrate that and if you have any interest in your child having that village around them to support them throughout their life, you are going to have accept some changes are beyond your control.
You say that you don't like the showers because they feel as though they are more about gifts than about you and your husband, but you are failing to see that gift giving is how many people show love. By refusing others the right to share their love and happiness with you you are doing the opposite of what you claim you want. You are making it all about you and not at all about your baby and the village that wants to celebrate him or her. Failing to allow these people the chance to celebrate and shower you with love is selfish, though you may not see that. The not selfish thing to do is to be a pleasant person whilst accepting the love that you are given.

THIS! Words well said Chocodoxies, well said.

mhickey426 · December 2012

I think you just need to be thankful and stop making a big deal out of it. She is excited that she is going to be a grandmother and obviously this means a lot to her. I get it that you might feel weird about showers but if it means so much to her that she gives you one then let her. I think it would be incredibly rude and tacky of you to call people an say don't come.

I think you should be looking at this in a positive way. Your family is excited about your new baby and wants to celebrate you and your baby. This is not a punishment

Mitsya · December 2012

mhickey426:
I think you just need to be thankful and stop making a big deal out of it. She is excited that she is going to be a grandmother and obviously this means a lot to her. I get it that you might feel weird about showers but if it means so much to her that she gives you one then let her. I think it would be incredibly rude and tacky of you to call people an say don't come.
I think you should be looking at this in a positive way. Your family is excited about your new baby and wants to celebrate you and your baby. This is not a punishment

I agree with this to a certain point. It sounds like your MIL wanted to throw a party & is using your fetus as an excuse. It happens. She was a jerk for doing so against your expressed wishes, but it would be a bad idea to one up her jerkiness with some of your own by not showing up or trying to contact people to say that the party's off. Take the high road on this one & accept her AWing cloaked in a party for you. If you get a bunch of stuff you don't want from people you don't know, leave it at her house to use when you visit.

dande2129 · December 2012

dalzien:
brachysira:
spread the word that it is a gift-optional shower
How would you do this? Like I said I have no idea who she invited, if it weren't for my mother I wouldn't have even known the date.
Honestly, at the wedding shower it was some members of my family, none of my friends, and the rest were her family and friends that I do not know. There was nothing more awkward than opening gifts in front of a room where you only knew about 1/4 of the people.

How would you have not known the date if not for your mother? It would be really silly to have a baby shower without the Guest of Honor, and I think even your sneaky MIL would know that.....

You don't HAVE TO open the gift in front of everyone. In fact, a lot of people don't. Provide drinks, food and visits and open the gifts later on your own. You can send out thank-you notes to those who have given you gifts. If you don't know them, then ask your MIL for their address for that purpose.

I understand not wanting a shower, but I feel like you're making this a lot more difficult than it needs to be. I have passed up showers when I honestly didn't have the extra money to buy a gift, and I usually just sent a card + gift card later, or something for the baby after it was born. If someone can't afford, or doesn't want to attend, chances are, they will not.

MelissaRae1525 · December 2012

Yes it's just one day and your guest might show up and you won't be there but can you imagine the things she would pull if she got her way with this? You're in for a long road dear and I'm sorry your MIL is insane and your husband doesn't realize it.

tiredmamma · December 2012

I have a MIL like this. Whatever boundaries we set, she overstepped. Us saying no apparently meant yes in her mind. She even tried to talk the priest out of baptizing DD1 because she dislikes the Catholic Church. DH would attempt to give her warning to knock it off to no avail, which sounds like what may be happening here. I hope it doesn't get as bad us our situation. MIL was told she could no longer be part of our family, needless to say she filed for grandparents rights (they don't have any in CT). She still rears her head 1-2x per year including making calls to DCF. It's been 7 years. You and your husband need to be a united front.

SWOG31 · December 2012

MelissaRae1525:
Yes it's just one day and your guest might show up and you won't be there but can you imagine the things she would pull if she got her way with this? You're in for a long road dear and I'm sorry your MIL is insane and your husband doesn't realize it.

Part of me agrees with the above. My first instinct is to tell OP to just suck it up and be gracious for the shower. But another part of me says that if MIL gets her way on this without any consequences, OP can just expect MIL to move forward on bigger things like baptizing the child against her wishes(which I believe OP mentioned in a later post).

I honestly don't know what to tell you OP. I think you are going to have a long road ahead of you with your MIL.

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