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Blended Families
Lurker needing some advice
Hi ladies,
I usually just lurk on this board for some quiet support but I feel like I need to reach out for some advice. I am a new stepmom married in August and recently went into full time stepmom mode as my DH was granted full custody. SD who is three, sees her mother once a week for supervised visit. I am twenty weeks pregnant with my first and I feel like some days are harder than others when it comes to being FT stepmom. I do driving to and from preschool because it makes more sense and have picked up many other various things to help DH out. I feel like I'm doing everything a mother should do, without that title, which for some reason is hard for me. I love my SD tremendously but have caught myself lately missing the ability to go to the movies, for example. In twenty weeks, I will have my baby and those things wouldn't be an option anyway, so I don't understand why I've been having a hard time adjusting. I talk to DH as much as I can, but its hard for him to understand what my point is or where I'm coming from. Sometimes I don't even understand. I guess what I need is to hear from other actively involved stepmoms. How did you adjust? Am I alone in feeling this way? Please flame free.. Feeling pretty down right now. Thank you for reading and hope everyone had a happy holiday!
I usually just lurk on this board for some quiet support but I feel like I need to reach out for some advice. I am a new stepmom married in August and recently went into full time stepmom mode as my DH was granted full custody. SD who is three, sees her mother once a week for supervised visit. I am twenty weeks pregnant with my first and I feel like some days are harder than others when it comes to being FT stepmom. I do driving to and from preschool because it makes more sense and have picked up many other various things to help DH out. I feel like I'm doing everything a mother should do, without that title, which for some reason is hard for me. I love my SD tremendously but have caught myself lately missing the ability to go to the movies, for example. In twenty weeks, I will have my baby and those things wouldn't be an option anyway, so I don't understand why I've been having a hard time adjusting. I talk to DH as much as I can, but its hard for him to understand what my point is or where I'm coming from. Sometimes I don't even understand. I guess what I need is to hear from other actively involved stepmoms. How did you adjust? Am I alone in feeling this way? Please flame free.. Feeling pretty down right now. Thank you for reading and hope everyone had a happy holiday!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Lurker needing some advice
I'm not a stepmom (only a biological mom), but I have a couple thoughts anyway.
- First, adjusting to parenthood is hard. There's really nothing like it and there's no good way to prepare for it. When I had my first baby, I had a difficult time with the things you mentioned. I couldn't just take a nap or go to a movie anymore. Hell, when they're really little you can't even just go to the bathroom sometimes! It's hard. It does get easier.
- Second, being "mom" doesn't make things easier. I guess I don't know whether being a stepmom makes it harder. But when you're in any kind of parenting role, I feel there is an expectation (a perhaps unfair one for stepparents) that you just do whatever the child needs.
MH and I have had a couple conversations because I sometimes feel like I bend over backwards getting everyone in this family the things they need, and I don't generally get that same courtesy.
- Third, if there are things that you need or want, you should ask for them. If you want a night off to go to a movie, I think you deserve to be able to do that. Not every night, but once in a while.
Hang in there. I am both a step mom and a bio mom and I can say that it sounds like you are going through a normal transition from not being a parent to being a parent (biological or step)! Having a kid means that you cannot just pick up and go and it is life changing! It's normal to feel the way you do. Maybe it's sorta like the "baby blues" we feel after having a baby! Additionally, taking on the role of step parent canbe challenging, because you are a parent but with the added stress of a baby's mom, a kid that has the stress of THEIR life changing, etc.
I think that you need to give yourself some time to adjust, and be open with your DH about what you need. Things will click, your feelings are natural!
You need to be sure you are communicating with your husband if you feel overwhelmed or need a break. SD is his responsibility and this is going to be a transition. Make him aware right off the bat of what you are willing to take on and what feels like too much for you. As a bioparent with a live in SO, I can not tell you how important it is to be honest with eachother during this time and that you let him know what you can or can't take on.
Also take time for your self. Otherwise you will get bitter. Care for yourself as well as your baby and step daughter. Every mother needs to remember that.
It is very hard to go from single girl to stepmom. All I can say is it gets better. The more bond you can create the easier it gets.
I look forward to hanging out with my SS now whereas last year it felt a little more like an obligation. That sounds terrible but it's true. Now it's as if he's my child I feel no differently about him than my bio son but I also have been a huge care taker when he's at our house. We spent lots of weekends baking, doing crafts, apple picking, shopping. It took a long time but it is so worth it. I love seeing him turn into a little man and learn and grow. It's amazing.
Good luck, I hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
I can totally relate and want you to know that it DOES get better!
DH and I have been together for almost 6 years. His kids have been in my life since they were 5 and 1. DH and BM are going through custody proceedings and DH has been granted full custody since July on a trial basis. So, at ages 11 and 7, the kids came to live with us full-time. Four days after they moved in with us DH and I found out we were pregnant. As a teacher I was off work for the summer so I had a fairly enjoyable time taking the kids to daily swimming lessons, to playdates, and the beach. However, I was also feeling extremely overwhelmed at the idea of becoming a full-time mom to not just one but THREE kids in less than a year. I struggled with the attitudes and learned behaviours of my stepkids. I was an emotional wreck at times but knew that the best place for the kids was with us. My DH was extremely helpful and always stepped up to the plate to help out whenever needed. He was, and continues to be, super supportive. He understands that they are his children and responsibility first and foremost. He has done whatever necessary to make the transition easier on me.
Becoming a full-time stepmom is not the same as becoming a bio-mom as another PP mentioned. Stepchildren, no matter how sweet and/or easy they can be to parent at times, have experience being parented in other ways than you may parent. This can lead to conflict and inappropriate behaviours. Also, you're not dealing with a baby who can not talk back etc. And, as the other PP mentioned, with a newborn, you're not going to want to go out to movies etc. as much because you're going to want to stay home and nurture your own child. There is a difference. But it's not impossible to deal with as you've learned.
My DH has given me opportunities to go out with friends and do things for myself when needed. I haven't taken him up on his offers as much as I would like as we live in a really small town and there isn't much to do around here (compared to where we lived 3+ years ago). However, in time the whole situation has gotten better. For the first two to three months the kids were living with us, I was completely overwhelmed and missed "me" time (the pregnancy hormones and symptoms along with a new teaching assignment didn't help matters). Over the last two months though, we have found our groove. It's not always easy but we have figured out some good routines and I am much less overwhelmed than before. I think it just takes time. Also, it has helped us to get a babysitter every now and then so that we could go to a prenatal class together or to an evening out with friends. Also, instead of watching both kids right after school when school is out for all of us (yet when I'm still needing time to mark, prep, and plan for my own class), my SS (and sometimes my SD) go to daycare. I tried to have them hang out in my classroom after school for the first couple of months this school year but it wasn't working out for us. I don't like having to pay for daycare when my SS is 11 and should be capable of going home by himself like his peers but we cannot trust him at home by himself OR in my classroom or elsewhere in the school while I'm working (he's proven to be incapable of being trusted alone...so he'll have to earn it over time).
Please know that you are not alone. Your feelings seem pretty normal to me. I hope that, in time, you start to feel better about your situation. It's good that you and your DH are able to communicate openly about your feelings. It's too bad that he doesn't understand how you're feeling but it's probably hard for him to understand from his POV (that is HIS son so he likely feels a strong bond there, right?)
Take care and feel free to keep asking for advice and support if you need it! I'm sure you're able to offer insight to many of us as well!
BFP #1 09/02/11 M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13
SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
I can also totally identify with you. We have SS every weekend and at first I was determined not to lose my 'free weekends'. In anger I even said to my husband 'if I wanted to give up my weekends I would have just got pregnant myself'.
Anyway fast forward and I can't remember it not being like this. My DH works so I'm a soccer stepmom lol. I still get bouts of 'why me' from time to time but over all I probably even enjoy it now.
Definitely carve out time for you and for you and DH. You still need to work on your relationship. Also reign in help when little one is born. Don't be a martyr!!! SD needs to fit into your and DH life not the other way round.
Best of luck!
Who says you need to love them the same? How can you even tell?
MH comes from an intact family of 4 kids. Ask any one of the four kids and they will immediately tell you who was Mom's favorite and who was Dad's favorite. But their parents presumably love them the same. (And for the record, the non-favorites--MH and his bro--have both turned out fine.)
My kids are both mine and I would say I love them equally but differently. I'd die for either of them, but they have each carved out their own spaces in my heart.
Don't stress over who you will love more or less. I think having your own baby will certainly change your perspective, but that's usually a good thing! Just take care of yourself and your family and you will be okay.
My experience was a good adjustment for a few reasons. First, FI expressed how thankful he was when I would do anything for SS, even something as little as getting him dressed in the morning. Second, SS was at BM's house every weekend, so if we wanted to go out, we had the time (until I got knocked up 4 months later...). Third, my nephew is the same age as SS, and I'm around my nephew often, so I didn't have to adjust to the ins & outs of his age.
As PP's have said, what you're experiencing is normal. It's like baby blues with an older kid. Becoming a parent is an adjustment, especially if you were out and about a lot before kids. Give yourself time.
It sounds like you need some recharging, and feel unappreciated. Every parent does from time to time, whether or not you're a stepmom or biomom. Be clear with YH about that you need some "you time". Is there a prenatal yoga or swim class near you? My man can be totally clueless, until I clearly spell it out, so it takes "I need 90 minutes once a week for you to watch the kids, so I can take this class and de-stress". Or "I know you're not doing it on purpose, but I feel under-appreciated. Can you set a good example for the boys and be more vocal about it? A simple thank you for supper would really make my day"
Hope you start feeling better about things soon
I wish I could tell you how horrible the first year with my SS was. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and cry because SS was so bad. He was mean, he had tantrums, he had no patience, he had no manners, he was never happy, just bossy and rude.
He still definitely has his bumps and tough patches but you watch a child do something you taught them or get a card from them and you can't help but bond. My SS has changed so much and I'm so proud to see him use a phrase I say or repeat something I showed him. It's truly rewarding.
Your mission is to treat your SD with respect and fairness in your household that's it. It sounds like you are already doing a great job!