lurker in need of a wake up call

MrsH8611 · December 2012

hi. I'm Kalyn. I've been reading posts randomly on the bump now that baby talk has hit the fan. I need a little honest advice please.

My hubs and I have been seriously talking about trying for our first baby. We got married on 8-6-11 and moved from IL to MT a week after the wedding for my husband's job. He is 25 and I'll be 25 in April. We both are college grads still looking for our dream career jobs. We live no where near anyone we know ( close friends, family). Everyone is in the Midwest/on the east coast. My hubby has been ready for a baby for over a year but supported me in my decision 100% to wait so we could be newlyweds first.

my hubby wants to move back to IL to be close to family for their support for our first child, but as nice as that sounds, if we did, we would have no jobs, so no income, no insurance, no place of our own- we would have to temporarily stay in my parent's basement Apt until we found good paying jobs and a place of our own, then try for a baby. After months of online job searching... the promise of jobs is slim to none where our family lives. He is miserable at his job now so I feel horrible asking him to stay in MT.

I need the new mothers in this board to be completely honest when it comes to having a baby near or far from family. Did it make a diff when it came to doc appointments, babysitting, having the baby, etc? For those who didn't have family around, how did you do with just the two of you and baby? Would you have rather been by family? I need to get more advice on whether or not it's best to be by family or rough it alone as a couple. I know everyone has their own way in which their family works, bit I need as much insight as I can get to not be close minded on either choice. please and thank you for your personal stories and opinions.

CurlyQ284 · December 2012

Well, you can't really have a baby without a job so..

Has he applied to anything in IL? I would apply to jobs back home. If you get one, move home. If not...I mean, what can you do?

We live near my family but we may be moving away after the new year. He will be going to daycare anyway, family can't watch him. I haven't left him with anyone yet and my mom goes to bed at like 8 so we would need a sitter to go on a date anyways. So for us, it doesn't really make a difference as far as having help.

hilsy85 · December 2012

I wouldn't move with out a job lined up. Period. Regardless of having a child or not.

As for being near family, both my parents and DH's parents live very close by, but I wouldn't say that they've been super helpful, mostly because I don't really ask for help. I kind of like doing my own thing with LO during the day. My parents come over once a week to see the baby, but I'm there and we all just hang out together. DH"s parents do babysit when we go out on date nights, so that's nice. The first two weeks were the toughest, but DH was home for most of that time. After that, I really didn't need much help with the baby. What would have been nice would have been to have a cleaning lady (my parents/in laws weren't going to clean my house)--that's what would have been helpful!

SamiandEric913 · December 2012

Both my parents and in-laws live nearby (parents: 5 minutes away, in-laws: 25 minutes). That said, here's what I found: with the first baby, I appreciated having them nearby for moral support--my mom would swing by to visit, bring little necessities here or there that I hadn't had time to go get, fold a load of laundry if she saw it sitting out while she was there, etc.; my MIL made dinner and brought it over the first night we were home from the hospital. So it was more of a nicety that they were near with DS #1. Now with DS #2, it was completely necessary to have them around because I needed Mom to be on call to stay with DS #1 while DH and I went to the hospital. Having both sets of parents near is convenient and helpful with a newborn, as long as they want to help and yet respect your space. The grandparents haven't babysat the two kids together yet, but it's comforting to have them around like a "safety net" just in case we'd need a trusted babysitter in a pinch.

That's just my two cents. You seem like someone who thinks things out thoroughly, so you'll make a good decision for your family. Good luck.

tinktink20 · December 2012

I think steady income and insurance are SUPER important when trying to have a baby. As for the family issues, my first daughter was born when we lived near both of our families and my second daughter was born and we have no family living around us. If you're fairly independent, you can do it. It's not really a huge deal not having family around to me.

slseburn · December 2012

Like the others said, I think having a job/income is more important than having family support. That said, I had a rough birth and ended up back in the hospital when ds was a week old. I'm not sure what we would have done if my family wasn't close, but my situation wasn't typical. The first six weeks were rough and I leaned on my family a lot for emotional help (I had PPD), and both my Mom and Dad helped out with taking care of the baby since I had no idea what I was doing. Now he's 9 wo and I feel that I would be fine without family help. My in laws created a lot of unneeded stress and tension when it wasn't needed. So it really depends on your family and the type of person you are. I do think you need support in the beginning, but it doesn't have to be family.

mben1119 · December 2012

I think it would be completely irresponsible to think about conceiving while unemployed and living with your parents, TBH. If you want to have a baby, either stay where you are (you can raise a child without your extended family), or move, and wait until you are financial stable and independent of your families.

kjsmith9 · December 2012

MH and I are currently living in the south, and our families live in the midwest... we just had a baby <1 month ago. I don't have much experience to share, but since I'm in the middle of what would be considered the more difficult adjustment period, I thought I would chime in.

It's definitely hard to NOT have family near by during the first few weeks with your first baby. We have friends down here, but no one that I want to call and ask to come help me clean my house or walk my dog. They occasionally bring us a meal to help out, but I'm not the type of person to really ask for more. I'm independent to begin with, but it would be nice to have had them around the past few weeks.

Honestly, though, I think it's harder for THEM to not be here... Especially the grandparents (because this is the first grandchild on both sides of the family). We skype as often as we can and take/send pictures a lot. But it's not the same. We're hoping to move back to the midwest this summer because I don't want her to grow up without knowing her family... But I understand this isn't an option for everyone. We're definitely only moving if we can both line up jobs, though!

eebaehr · December 2012

We live within ten minutes of both of our parents but we don't really ask them for help..maybe when the baby is older we'll get out more lol. I wouldn't have a baby without a steady income and insurance, our hospital bill without insurance would have been over ten thousand. Having a baby is stressful enough without all those major issues to think about..

linzeek44 · December 2012

Regarding not having family nearby: DH and I were considering three different cities to move to when we finished grad school. We ended up choosing the one where my mom and my sister live. So we have two family members and one friend there.

It has made a huge difference for us. I had a really rough recovery. DH took time off of work, as much as he could anyway, but I still had weeks where I couldn't really drive or walk well and I had to take the baby to the pediatrician or go to doctor appointments myself. Plus, getting groceries and cooking was not easy. Having family around was priceless for the first six weeks.

Now that I'm recovered, it is nice to have family nearby, but not as necessary. To be honest, we don't really go out so we don't need a babysitter. I did have a work commitment the same day DH had a work dinner, and my mom watched the baby. If we had to have paid a babysitter, the money from my work that night would have pretty much all gone to the babysitter, so that has been great.

However, as good as it is to have family around, not having jobs or insurance would have been a lot worse. I can't imagine paying all the medical bills without insurance and the financial stress would have been too terrible.

MrsH8611 · December 2012

thank you ladies for sharing your honest opinions and stories. just to clarify in my op I said if we did move home close to family we would not try to have a baby until after jobs and insurance were stable. we would never try without it.

I see all your points and it does look like being by family is more beneficial. I know our parents said they would be with us for the first month or so if we lived far away like we do now so there is a lot to consider. thank you for sharing your stories with me

BrittanyDoesDerby · December 2012

We live about five hours away from all of our family, and it has been kind of rough not having anyone around to help with the transition into parenthood. It's nothing we can't handle, but it would be nice to have someone come help with household things or even to just hold the baby while we try to get things done.

We have no close relatives to put on her emergency contacts. We have no babysitter for whenever we do decide to go out (which hasn't happened yet, but someday..).

Again, it's not impossible, but sometimes I wish we lived closer to family.

laxkal23 · December 2012

DH and I live 4 hours from both of our families. It is more than doable especially with technology these days we are able to keep our families up to date with LO (he 6 weeks). We Skype our parents with the baby regularly and I st pictures regularly on Facebook. I teach so my schedule is not too bad when I go back to work. DH and I have had no trouble managing the baby just the two of us and since I exclusively breast feed there's not a whole lot of help family an do with the baby at least for the moment. We have travelled to see the families since LO was 2 weeks so it is possible quie quickly to get out and about with the baby.

Stephorse · December 2012

We were in the same boat as you. We were originally from Illinois, but then we both lost our jobs. When I got a job out in SD we moved. We lived here for about 3 years when I got pregnant. We have no family here whatsoever. Everyone lives back in Illinois. There have been times when it's been difficult (like when LO had diarrhea for a week straight and we couldn't figure out what was wrong with him) when it would have been great to have had my mother near by and I also feel that they miss out on special occasions like his first smile and Christmas as we did not go home this year. However, both sets of parents have been out to visit. We also have a great nanny lined up that lives near the school I work for. I totally trust her as she is one of the parents who has children at the school and she has fantastic kids. We have done great by ourselves. There are times I wish we lived closer as it would be great for everyone to meet our LO and help out more, but my DH has been a terrific help and our nanny is also more than willing to help out too. It has been terrific so far and I'm sure it'll continue to get better.

Empireceo · December 2012

I would give anything to be near my family or my husband's. I grew up near grandparents, aunts and uncles and it is really hard to be on our own (we live in CT, my family is in Chicago, his is in Phoenix). We've decided not to think about another baby until we can move to 1 of the two places. Besides moral support, having family close by can offer much needed breaks for you guys. I know money is important but for us, growing up around a loving close extended family is much more of a priority.

newenglander71 · December 2012

All our family and close friends are close by, furthest being a little over an hour away. We don't ask for help that much really, but knowing they couldmhelpmif needed is very reassuring. And for me, it was super important for my mental health those first few weeks to have my family and friends stop in, or be available so LO and I could go visit and get out of the house. I don't know what I would have done without them when I was feeling so isolated initially.

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