Back-Talking 3 year old- lengthy
awesomenus1341
member
In need of advice, but this is also a bit of a vent.
My step-son is 3 1/2 and is with us every other weekend. Over the past few visitations DH and I noticed that he is back-talking more and more. It's mostly stuff we assume he hears from his 8 year old cousin who lives with him (i.e. "you're aggravating me, you're on my nerves, etc."), and he will say it any time he doesn't get what he wants, even if it is as simple as "here let me help you find the story in your book." We have reminded him that this is not how we speak to people, and especially not to adults. He has been sent to time-out for continuing to talk this way.
Now, we have him for our Christmas visitation (last Friday through the 26th). It is only the first few days and the temper tantrums and back talking have gotten out of control ("I'm going to shoot daddy," "Momma is coming to pick me up and I'm leaving you here," growling at us, literally looking like he is ready to punch us in the face). He doesn't get upset or cry when he gets in trouble, he gets furious. We try to be decently flexible with the rules while still enforcing them because his rules at daddy's house are different than they are at mommy's, so he usually gets at least one reminder, sometimes two depending on how far apart they are, when he breaks a rule, before he gets in trouble (unless the behavior includes a physical form of aggression). Any advice on the back-talking? How to handle it? What has worked for you? I hate for him to spend his whole visitation in trouble, or us ready to scream, so there has to be a better solution.
This morning he woke up early, pitched a fit about having to throw away his trash after breakfast, sat in time-out for 3 minutes, was spanked for kicking the cabinets (this has been a standing rule in our house), calmed down, said he was ready to get out of time-out, we explained the bad behavior, asked for an apology, he back-talked and refused to say sorry (after asking more than once) so he was sent to his room, then spanked again for slamming the door (after a warning that if he slammed the door he would be spanked). I know this sounds ridiculous even as I am typing it. We try to limit punishments for most everything to a 3 minute time-out, an explanation of why he was in trouble, an apology for the bad behavior, hugs and I love yous and move on. We do believe in spanking but it is limited only to hitting, kicking, biting, or purposely trying to damage any piece of furniture. Please realize that 1. Neither of us have a child in our house full-time, and 2. I am asking for your helpful advice or constructive criticism.
Re: Back-Talking 3 year old- lengthy
This is up to you but when it starts just simply say that doesn't sound very nice and then ignore it. Change the subject. talk about a pet or activity he would like to do today. Or simply walk away.
Have you taken away privileges? (a toy or tv time, dessert after dinner - something they look forward to) have that in your warning "if you keep talking like that then there is going to be no TV later."
Don't make threats you can't follow thru with. Don't punish yourself to punish him.
3 year old's are worse than terrible twos and looking for those bounderies. Other than that, my advice might be that he has pent up energy. Sometimes it doesn't come across as hyper but as acting out. He might get more attention at mommy's house for bad behavior. Take him to the park, for nature walks. Make it a game (write a list of things to look for on the walk : dog, tree, christmas lights, bicycle. and check them off as you find them.
Give lots of praise for when he does speak sweetly. "Oh, i really like how you said please for that." "I like doing sweet things for you when you are sweet to me"
Good Luck, It will not change overnight or fix itself all together but hopefully it will be easier
Three year olds are tough! What we did with DS was teach him what TO say. It took a while and now that he's 4, he is SO much better. For example....when he was using the bathroom he would yell 'get out of here', 'go away'. We taught him if he wants to be alone he needs to say 'can I have some privacy please'. He's expected to use his manners, or he doesn't get what he wants. Kids at this age are trying to express themselves and need to learn how to do it appropriately. It will probably be harder because he's between 2 homes and I'm sure the rules/expectations are different at each place. Be consistent and he'll learn what is acceptable and not acceptable in your home.
I know growing up, I had a brother who didn't understand punishment till he was 6. Before then, he just thought my parents were being mean. I don't necessarily think this is the issue here, but you are giving him attention for his bad choices. I am also a SM, but I am a full-time SM.
Are you punishing SS? This is something your DH should be doing most of the time. I'm not saying let your SS walk all over you, but DH should be filling this role most of the time.
My SS is prone to severe temper-tantrums over nothing. Before I came into his life the only way he could get attention from his BM or his Nana was to act out. Any form of attention, even negative, was better than none. His past has a lot to do with how he acts. I would take PP advice and tone down on punishments. If he acts out you don't have to punish every action during a tantrum. One punishment for the entire tantrum should suffice. I would also try redirecting when he starts giving you cues that he is headed towards a melt down. You have SS every other weekend. Make sure DH is spending quality fun time with SS.
Do the two of you have a good relationship with BM? Maybe you could talk to her about the issues you are having with SS. If that isn't an option I would look into counseling for your SS. He seems very angry, and threatening to hurt your DH isn't okay. I also suggest parenting classes, they can really help with ways to relate to your kids. You can both also try reading the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. It has helped me immensely.
Don't beat yourself up too bad. Those who are not SM's don't understand how difficult it can be to parent a child you have not had a hand in raising since birth. Bonds are different, and I can't imagine what it would be like without me having SS full time. Threes are a tough, hang in there.
Ok an update.
First, in regards to DH doing most of the punishment, I would agree with this if I was stepping in as SM at age 16, or 10, or even 5 or 6. However, I have been a part of ss's life for about half of it, he does not remember a time without me here. I am not his mom, I know this, he knows this. However, in his mind, he has his mommy, his daddy, and his Sarah- which he tells everyone, often. At our house, I provide all his meals, his bath time and bedtime routine (by his request), and I am the one constantly coming up with things for either all of us or him and his dad to do together. I also punish him equally with DH. I eased into this all over time, but now it is a standard at daddy's house. DH has, I should say HAD, no idea what to do with a toddler (not that I am a pro). In his house growing up, his punishment was either complete neglect or broken arms and black eyes. He loves his son but was quick(er) to jump to spankings, or rather threatening without follow through, or plain ignoring bad behavior, and getting frustrated with things that are just part of being a toddler (lack of coordination, repetition of everything, etc.). So, while I don't have all the answers, and probably even far less than those of you with full time kids, I am trying to help him understand his son while still keeping things within reason. He was only full-time in his son's life for about 2-3 months (for the first 5 he was stationed in another state, and was deployed for the pregnancy, birth, etc. He left when SS was 8 months old. BM controlled everything DH did in regards to SS, he paid CS since birth, but only saw his son when BM was in a good mood and allowed him to come over for a few hours, at her house, or come by and pick him up to go to the store, or lunch or whatever and then back to her house...until I entered the picture and encouraged him to set up custody orders and actually be a consistent part of his son's life (to say the least, she isn't my biggest fan, nor I hers)). DH and I talk often about what is acceptable behavior, what is part of being 3 (he isn't going to sit still 24/7, or be quiet through whole movies, etc), and what we will not put up with.
All of that being said, I REALLY appreciate all the advice. I think I also read on another post (can't remember which one or who said it) about how with first children/only children we tend to have unrealistic expectations and to stop and consider, if there were 5 children in the room, would this really matter? SS has been with us for a little over a week now, and we have implemented this attitude, along with teaching him how to ask for things, and scaling back on our reactions to his bad behaviors. I have to say things have DRAMATICALLY improved. We have been correcting his back talk with how we would like him to express his feelings/questions/etc. and then ignoring him/telling him we will not respond until he can use nicer words. We have also used the reward system for good behavior, which I did not realize worked so well at this young of an age. He has done VERY well with this when the promise is something he really wants, and we always follow through with the reward when he has been good. Yesterday was my birthday, we went to a nice restaurant with my family, and promised SS that if he was on his best behavior through dinner, he could have a piece of cookie cake when we got home. I have never seen him work so hard at being good for the length of a meal. He has been begging to sleep on the couch to wait for Santa as well. So earlier this week, we made hot chocolate, and explained that we would each get one cup, and if we could sit quietly through the Christmas movie (Elf), then we would all sleep on the couch after just for one night. SS was an angel through the whole movie.
Thank you all for your advice, this week, which was looking pretty gloom at the beginning, has been so enjoyable and pleasant!
And FWIW, SS has only been to time-out once since the last post, for a temper tantrum, which was over in 3 min and on to a wonderful day.