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Blended Families
New to the board and in need of a lot of help/support/advice. MIL/SS/EX wife issues BAD
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Re: New to the board and in need of a lot of help/support/advice. MIL/SS/EX wife issues BAD
I am wondering what the ex was like when you were dating your DH.
You must have had some idea that life wouldnt be all butterflys and rainbows. I personally would NOT be with my DH if he and his ex didnt have a cordial relationship and put their child first.
She was very nice to start with and I had no knowledge of her real issues. DH did not tell me for a long time. I didn't have much contact with her other than at pick ups/drop offs.
I had the normal reservations as far as marrying someone with an ex and child, fear of the unknown, worry about the drama I knew could follow, but I never knew it would be like this.
As SS got older his issues became more severe and BM's idiocy just kept becoming more and more obvious. Then, when she did what she did with the false reports, we were already married. Our entire first year of marriage minus 2 months has been completely consumed by this and trying to grieve for our son. I feel like I have been through hell and back with all the legal issues, custody battle, and the loss of my own son. I am seriously thinking of just leaving this site all together because unlike you, most people have been down right mean and accusatory and I so do not need that. I am trying to rid my life of DRAMA not create more and so far the majority of the women on here have just made me feel worse. They have even created another post where they can call me a liar and a crazy and make fun of me together. Not what I need. Thank you though for your response.
It seems like things just are happening to you, you are always the victim. You need to step up and actively advocate for yourself and stop being so passive.
You seem to be focused on your SS's issues and his BM's issues, but turning a blind eye to your H's issues, as he does to his child.
I don't understand how you could be so incredibly bonded to a man who is allowing this to happen and has given up on finding a solution.
You say you're being insulted by our responses. I cannot fathom your position. As I said, we had a very difficult time and years of court with BM, who was neglectful to her children, and it was years before my husband's word was believed over BM's by any judge or social worker. His children were not in as serious a plight as your SS, yet he never gave up or ever believed he had done enough to keep them safe. And if he had, you can bet I would not have stood by him while he was idle.
Now it has been years since we have had to deal with it, and it is much easier to look back on than it was while we were in the thick of it. I faced plenty of criticism from this board when I first began posting, but it was typically because they thought I was going too overboard in reacting to BM's behavior.
I'm sorry if you think I'm being critical. My heart aches for that child who needs help, and as you've said, you're the one in his life with the clearest view of what he needs. I also worry, since you seem like you've written him off as not your problem and too much trouble to bother with, and he's only FOUR.
XMARY, How am I supposed to protect myself from BM doing this kind of thing to me again? That is why I do not keep the child. I do not trust BM at all, and after all I have already dealt with, I mean I have faced life in prison level charges because of her this year, I just don't have the strength to put myself in that position again. She is the one that abused him, pinned it on me, so the only way I see to keep her from doing something terrible again is to never ever even let her say for a second I was around him. I don't keep my husband from his child or ask him to choose. The way his work schedule is, and the SS's school schedule, he is only off one night a week to be with him.
SIGIR, I wanted to move forward. I wanted to heal. I wanted to start over. I wanted to be strong enough to not let BM, all the trauma, all the heartbreak, be my story. I wanted not feel like a failure. I want a child, just like anyone else that has the urge to be a mother. I guess in my head, I thought if I could move on and have a successful pregnancy and a child of my own that it would mean they didn't kill me completely. They didn't destroy me all the way and that I can still pick myself up and have a good life. In all honesty, things have gotten better due to the arrangement changing, and i am no longer constantly subjected to BM and SS behaviors. I know that he is going to remain in my life, but I can remove myself as much as I can from all the drama that surrounds him. I've tried all I can to help him and BM is not receptive to my suggestions. DH deals with it now as he should. The pregnancy announcement issue that I originally posted about just brought all of this back to the surface, and I guess I have bottled it up for so long I needed to vent. I know it is selfish, but I can't help how I feel, I am only human and not perfect, but I still want my happiness back. I want to have a child with my husband and I don't think I should never get to experience that just because he already has one.
You should have things of your own and ways to celebrate your pregnancy. Do a photo shoot of you and DH once you have a nice pregnant belly to show off.
From a pragmatic stance alone, just include SS in the Christmas photo. You want the announcement to be about the pregnancy, not SS, and your exclusion of SS stands to trump any announcement as that is what the family will focus on, not your happy news.
I guess it seems like I am so focused on SS and BM's issues on here because I am brand new and the more I posted the more I had to explain, and in my attempt to explain my situation, hoping someone out there may have been there too, I got ridiculed, called a liar, and made fun of. I don't know if it is hormones or what, but I bawled when I read the other post. I feel like I hit brick walls everywhere, with the court, with CPS, with my MIL, with my DHS, with BM, and I was hopeful with this site. Hoping that maybe just maybe I would find people to lean on, vent to, and learn from.
Then I read that other stuff and was like, you have got to be kidding me, why even bother? I would give ANYTHING in the world for this to be some story I made up, or all just a bad dream I could wake up from, but it is not. I am set on defense mode because that is how I have had to live every single day for almost a year and I so desperately wanted to be able to have a safe place to let down that guard and for once find some answers and relief.
Instead I have been called crazy and laughed at. The majority of my DH's family all act as if my son never even existed and like I should have been able to just wake up the next day unfazed, they also act as if all the horrific things BM did to me, I should just forgive her and act like it never happened, so yes, there is a lot of resentment there. I know it is not SS fault, but having stood where I have stood it is very hard not to resent him because he is a constant reminder of her and all of the trauma I have experienced and am trying desperately to overcome. Plus, the TERRIBLE things he says to me, God, I just feel like he is a mini version of her and because of her he is going to grow up to be a miserable and hateful person just like her. I don't see where I am writing him off, what else could I do? It is very hard for me to see everyone say what about SS, over and over, when for the last 5 months, no one has expressed any sympathy for my son who is never even going to get a chance at life.
I am not his mother and BM makes sure I am reminded of that on a weekly basis, and has it court ordered that I have no say so in his life whatsoever. If I could load him up and take him back to the doctor DH was taking him to I would in a heartbeat. I do not have the legal authority to do so and now, because of BM neither does DH. DH has not given up. We are totally broke, this whole mess has cost us 18,000. All of our savings is gone and we have had to borrow money as well. When we were still in the thick of the battle, DH took him to multiple centers for interviews and assessments, after the sexual abuse by the BF children, drove the CPS worker nuts with calls, fought to the bitter end in court, and the Judge, a woman, who grew up in the same town as BM's parents and attends the same church, did not want to hear it and sided with BM.
Even after this, my husband has contacted another attorney trying to find out what in the world, if anything, he can do, and he was told there is a statute of limitations to it and he would have to wait until he established residency in this county for one year before he could refile a counter motion here. If anyone else has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.
So apologies if we seem harsh, but maybe that can help you to take action to get out of this situation.
Children aren't some right that everyone is entitled to have just because they want them. They are the highest privilege in the world. You choose to be with this man. Who has a very very sick child, who came first. He was here before you and before the child you are pregnant with. His needs are not being met by anyone. No one.
Again I cannot imagine what you have been through. To be threatened with prison and to lose your child, it's really too much and absolutely horrible. But this cycle of drama is going to continue forever. Forever. Your life is going to be one struggle after another if you stay in this situation. One threat, one violent outburst, one stressful day that will feed into the next. Every single day. Forever. And staying in this situation means that becomes the life your baby gets to lead to. Is that worth it to you?
Your SS broke a puppy's leg. An innocent puppy that did nothing to him.
What do you think he is going to do to YOUR BABY, who is a threat to his time, love and attention?
Protect yourself and your unborn baby. Run as fast as you can from this situation. Even if SS doesn't harm your child (which, I am betting will happen), the toxic envorinment is no good for an adult (see what it did to you?) let alone a newborn.
Get out, and when you make custody arrangement, ensure that your child does not spend any time with his half-brother or with MIL.