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Help with Husband-- changing his mind about baby

Livinginclip84Livinginclip84 member
in Babies on the Brain

DH and I have been married for almost 3 years (will be 3 years in Jan.)  All during our dating and engagement he expressed want for children.  We stayed on BC (The pill) for the first two years+ due to job situations and not wanting a baby right away.  We went off of BC in Aug. 2012.  All was good, having fun TTC.  Now suddenly he says the other night, "He isn't sure he wants kids."  He has 100+ fears.  A lot of this is anxiety I know that a lot of men go through.  However, it is getting to me.  Last night, he wanted to have sex, but asked to use a condom because he  "did not think it was right to not use BC when he is having doubts."  
I am not sure what to do.  I am 28 he is 31.  A number of our friends already have children (I know this is not a race.) and DH loves spending time with the kids.  is great with them, and even said last night "I know I will be a good dad."  "I just dont know if I really want children."    But it is just taking a toll on me. I feel like it was a bait and switch, that we got married and always planned on having kids and now he is switching sides.   I am hurt, sad, etc.  

We are financially sound,we both have good jobs with excellent job security and yes, I love him.  I love him very much.  We did not get married just to have babies, we got married because we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together.  it is just that we both thought kids would be part of the package.  

 

Any thoughts? Advice?  Anyone else been there? 

Thoughts or suggestions on this I can do or say to help.   

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Re: Help with Husband-- changing his mind about baby

  • magdalina.hmagdalina.h member

    You need to have a heart to heart with him. Kids are a deal breaker for me and if MH decided that he no longer wanted them, we would have to go to counseling due to resentment on my party. It's normal to have fears and anxiety. This parenting thing is hard, but it's worth it.

    Do you talk about TTC a lot? Not implying you are because I don't know, but if you are you could be overwhelming him.

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  • Livinginclip84Livinginclip84 member
    Not really I mean we have discussed it.  But not at length.  We are not even TTC really, we are more of a "Not trying not to conceive" ie, we were not using anything in regards to BC, but not charting or trying to get pregnant.
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  • KenziKKenziK member
    I would definitely sit down and have a serious talk with him, or else you will end up feeling more and more resentful towards him. A couple months after DH and I were married (we had been dating four years prior to marriage, and DH knew I wanted to be a mom and agreed to kids), I casually asked when he thought we might start trying and he flipped out on me. He even mentioned he wasn't sure if he wanted to have kids. I was devestated and slowly started distancing myself from him, worrying that I had made a huge mistake. I knew that I wanted to be a mom, and if were not into the idea I could not stay with him. After almost splitting up we ended up having a serious discussion where I expressed my fears, and he ended up telling me he did want kids, just not now. That's all I needed to hear, but if he had told me differently I would most likely not be here right now. I love my DH very much, but it's in my bones to be a mom, I can't imagine not having children.
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  • bugandbibsbugandbibs member
    Not having kids would be a serious deal breaker for me. I would suggest you start counseling if you think he is really serious about not wanting to have kids. Sometimes it is easier to figure out the root cause of a problem with an outside perspective. You could start informally with a priest/minister if you go to church.
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  • Max'smomMax'smom member

    Have a heart to heart. Fears are normal. DS1 was not planned. DH and I were engaged and talked about starting a family right away, but DH confessed that if we hadn't accidently gotten pregnant with DS1 he would have probably never been ready and that he would have been terrified to actually TTC. Honestly I think he was just has nervous to TTC DS2 and the baby we are expecting now. Talk it out and seek professional help if you think that would help you both be honest.

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  • victoria+jamesvictoria+james member
    I've experienced a somewhat similar situation, but not this extreme. DH talked about kids all the time when we were dating and engaged. But as soon as the wedding ring was on he stoped talking about it.

    My first guess with your DH is the scary part of TTC just hit him. The money, time, sleepless nights part. Hopefully he will come back around sooner rather than later.

    My DH used to think about all the wonderful parts of TTC, but when he started thinking about the responsibilities he started to shy away from it. YH is probably doing the same thing. Try reminding him of all the wonderful reasons to try... Good luck!
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  • reason00reason00 member
    I'd feel cheated, too. Like false advertising. The package said it comes with kids.
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