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Parenting
not sure how to 'breakup' with DD's friend
My DD is in kindergarten. She has a friend she's known since she started preschool 2 years ago. Prior to starting kindergarten, she considered this girl her BF. A few things have occurred over the past few months that have concerned me. Just a few examples, briefly: when she was over this summer, she and DD were deliberately excluding and being cruel to my younger daughter (3.5 at time), something my older daughter has never done. Whenever I ask DD who she played with at recess its "Jane", and I say 'why don't you play w/other kids sometimes?" her reply: "jane would feel lonely". Her kindergarten teacher has told me "jane" does rely heavily/exclusively on my daughter for friendship. The latest kicker was my daughter described 'jane' as being 'cruel' to her when they were at the library in school. my daughter took out a few books and 'jane' was taunting her, saying ' I already have those books at home' (sounds childish, i know, but I know this kid and I can imagine the tone she said it in) I haven't invited this little girl over for a playdate since the summer. Her nanny asked me yesterday if my DD could come over for a playdate on Friday. I said yes because I couldn't think of a reason to say no. I spoke with my daughter after school and asked if she wanted to go over on Friday. She really seemed ambivalent and asked if I would check with her in the future before making any playdates. I'm hoping the friendship will die a natural death, but if this nanny continues to ask for playdates, is it really bad of me to just say no? Do I owe an explanation?
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Re: not sure how to 'breakup' with DD's friend
No advice...
But wish I had a nanny!
No ***. Me too!!
You can totally say "no" to a playdate.
I taught my older children from an early age that they should always try to be nice to others, but that they don't have to be friends with anyone they don't want to be friends with. That's the great thing about friends, you can actually pick & choose.
ETA: It's also great to teach a child from an early age that some people may not want to be friends with them either.
Just say, "No, I'm sorry. We have have other plans."
You don't owe her an explanation, and you don't have to have a "good reason."
It sounds like your daughter doesn't really want to go. I would talk to your daughter about it. There is nothing wrong with saying "no" to a playdate.
That's hard. Emerson will be in kinder next year. Without ever being in that situation, I would almost make Emerson make those choices. I would continue to have conversation with her about the friendship but, I'd let her handle it. Your daughter needs the opportunity to make these choices (good or bad) now when the consequences aren't that important.
Next time the nanny asks, tell her to let you check your calendar, ask your daughter if she wants to go and go from there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's a good question. Crazy as it may sound, I think I feel 'guilty', in that I know my DD is one of her closer friends. This little girl is very shy and socially awkward. The nanny actually told me at one point the family had her undergo some sort of evaluation because she has such a hard time relating to and connecting with other people. They suspected she was on the autism spectrum. Kind of puts a bit of twist on the situation. Right?
ETA: But, I will take everyones advice and allow my daughter to decide whether or not to go and let the chips fall where they may. Thanks for the responses!
I agree with this. I think it's important to teach children. Ask your DD if she wants to be friends with Jane and tell her it's ok for her to say no. Then tell the nanny no thanks to play dates. You don't owe her an explanation but I don't think it would be a bad thing to say something like "it seems Jane and DD have grown apart:"
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
I hear where you're coming from - I'd feel bad too. Trust me. but it's not your or your DD's job to be this girls friend when your DD doesn't want to be.
I would assume you'll teach your DD to still be nice to her and not out and out shun her. BUT your DD doesn't have to be this girls only lifeline to friendship. If your DD wants to play w/ other kids - she should be able to do this!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with talking to your daughter & letting her decide what she wants to do.
I had a "Jane" type friend when I was in kindergarten. She lived across the street & was very bossy & rude. My mom would talk to me about how friends are supposed to treat each other & how I didn't have to do what "Jane" told me to do if I didn't want to. She left it up to me to decide if I wanted to play with her or not. One day I got fed up with it, stood up for myself & it felt amazing. I realized I didn't have to be pushed around & could do something about it for myself. It was a big confidence booster & one of my most vivid memories from that age. "Jane" subsequently did a 180 in her behavior because she didn't want to lose one of her only friends. We didn't stay friends for much longer though.
Ugh, you are describing the situation we are going through right now!
My daughter has been friends with another little girl, "A" for a few years now. A has been known to be bossy, and when my daughter started playing with her a few years ago she had a lot of friends. Since then she has drifted away from all her friends to be friends with A. A has issues sharing my daughter with others, including my younger child. Recently my daughter has also started to become bossy, much like A, something that I won't tolerate.
I started by avoiding play dates, which is pretty easy since our schedule is so busy. Then a few months ago I encouraged my daughter to set up play dates with other people. Not that I don't want her to be friends with A anymore, but I do want her to make additional friends. This started my current situation...
A's mother is calling and emailing me telling me that my daughter is excluding her daughter from everything, and won't play with her. That my daughter is being mean to her daughter in a bullying way and her daughter is devastated that she lost her only friend etc.
I really do feel bad for her daughter, however, my daughter has a completely different account of what is going on...including the fact that they ARE still playing together every day at recess. And i'm not saying my daughter is perfect, but a bully she is not.
I have currently been sitting on the last email she sent me a week or so ago, I have drafted and redrafted a response several times but haven't sent it. At this point I feel like all we've (the parents) have done is create a problem. Even though A is bossy, my daughter does consider her her best friend. I feel awful that she is now questioning everything she does. The other problem comes down to trust at this point. My husband recommended we make an effort over christmas to set up a play date with A to help both kids. But we don't trust A's mother at this point to care for our child (she is overly involved and we don't want her making our daughter feel bad etc), and i'm sure she feels the same way.
The final draft of my email that I think i'm going to send basically says I will explain to my daughter again that she can maintain friendships with A as well as make new friends. And thats the end of it, i'm no longer talking to my daughter about it every night, i'm not engaging in any more issues they may have. The kids need to work it out without parents telling them how to think and what to do, or they need to find a new friends to play with.
Its a mess and i'm losing sleep over it.
In your case since your daughter seems ambivalent about play dates i'd ask her if there are others she'd like to have play dates with. Hopefully her mom won't go all psycho on you
My situation is complicated by the fact that my daughter doesn't want to make new friends, she is happy being a twosome with this one child, and after trying to expand her circle of friends and in the meantime gaining the wrath of A's mom, we are stuck in a no win situation.
I'm curious, how old is your daughter? I'm wondering if you could also tell overbearing mom that any "issues" that come up at school, should be dealt with by the teachers, not the moms. You know, since there are always 3 sides to any story: yours, mine and the truth
They are 8. When we started noticing issues I did go to the teacher first, and asked her to keep an eye on things. They had a class "lesson" on being bossy and trying to dictate what your friends do etc. Apparently it wasn't subtle b/c A's mother called me all upset that I would go to the school and not her...you can see why I tried to avoid her.
Every time the phone rings I get a pit in my stomach, this is ridiculous. I have told A's mother that i'm done...i'm not questioning my daughter about every detail of her interaction with A anymore, i'm going to trust in my daughter to do the right thing, whatever that may be for her. The constant questioning is only causing stress for my daughter who feels she is doing things wrong, and from what I can she's not.
Ugh. That sounds awful. Sounds like mom has some serious issues. Honestly, at that point, I think I'd want to tell the mom, unless you stop harassing us (because that is what she's doing), my daughter will not be allowed to play with yours anymore.
And I don't mean to suggest 'going' to the teacher exactly. But, if this mom brings up behavior and issues that supposedly are happening at school, you respond with:
"I feel if anything happens at school, it will be addressed appropriately by the teachers, when it happens. If there is truly an issue with my DD behavior at school, her teachers will bring it to my attention. I will not make my DD think I'm questioning her behavior based on 3rd hand accounts. Going forward, I will no longer engage in discussions with you pertaining to what happens between the girls during the school day"
Good luck.