Checking in

norika33 · December 2012

Two made me feel bad that I haven't been on TB in awhile I have a new job and its blocked on my work computer stupid NYS!

Congrats on all the BFP!! I've missed everyone, I'm more on FB, of you want to check in. And can you believe it, my kids are 2.5?!! Crazy.

I'm in the deliberative process about whether we're done whether I want to get knocked up DW Had our twins FYI

We're very broke right now so the thought of adding a mouth to feed makes me think we're done. And, as femmeidentified, am I caving to pressure that I "should" give birth, or do I actually want to?

Smart queers give my your brains on this one!!

healz413 · December 2012

Queer/gender identity and pregnancy are so complicated.

Manada and I have struggled with thinking through what the experience will be like for her if she doesn't carry first (we are still hoping she will though! First insemination should be in two weeks or less!) and what the experience will be like for me if I do.

As someone who while not explicitly butch-identified (maybe glam butch ) has a butch aesthetic (and who is 6'1 and well into the 200s), I'm fascinated and a bit apprehensive about what my own pregnancy would/will do to how I am read in society (and then there is the whole issue of pregnancy clothes). Already when I'm hanging out with my two-year-old friend in public (without another woman around), I feel oddly straight (as in, I feel that that is how I'm being read).

Anyway, I have wandered away from your point/question about whether you might be caving to the idea that you should give birth or whether you actually want to. While I do believe that only you can answer that question for yourself, I can tell you that as someone who is not (and has never really been) femme-identified, I have long wanted to be and continue to want to be pregnant (giving birth I'm less directly attached to, although I obviously do want to give birth to the baby I would be pregnant with). In fact, before I knew I was queer, I was less attached to pregnancy (perhaps in part because of the societal gendering of that role) than I am now. I really want the opportunity have the experience of being pregnant (and a different time either before or after) being partner to someone who is pregnant. That may or may not be what happens for us, but it is a dream I'm going to keep holding onto for at least a while longer while we shell out money for sperm. Seems like a fair trade-off.

So, I still may not have addressed your question. Maybe I will just leave it with saying that I'm glad you brought this conversation to the boards. I would love to have more conversations about gender/identity/queerness and pregnancy.

And I hope others will join us.

Manada · December 2012

norika33:
I'm in the deliberative process about whether we're done whether I want to get knocked up DW Had our twins FYI We're very broke right now so the thought of adding a mouth to feed makes me think we're done. And, as femmeidentified, am I caving to pressure that I "should" give birth, or do I actually want to?

As Healy mentioned, we've discussed this one at length and gone back and forth in terms of what it means to our identities as parents to be a pregnant parent, or not.

Between the host of fertility, and now possibly genetic, concerns that have popped up with regards to my body, and achieving pregnancy with my eggs --- I'm still not sure how I feel. I do feel the pressure though that I "should" give birth, or perhaps more accurately - experience that role of being a pregnant woman in society and join that long line of mothers and sisters who have come before me....

One thing we talk about alot is what the circumstance would look like if we got twins our first go. I'm very committed to seeing Healy realize her desire to carry a pregnancy -- but don't know if I would feel the same for myself if she were to give birth to multiples first.

The more I think about what is going on for me and my fertility (etc...), the more I realize that what may make most sense for me eventually is to let go of pregnancy if it doesn't work for me, and instead focus my and our parenting efforts on the path of least resistance (ie. working on getting my partner pg).

But I feel the same pull of the "should" and all that gender stuff around the idea of the "secret club" of women who have given birth.... (yes, that secret club part is probably all in my head, but it feel like that discursively sometimes)....

That's not an answer at all.... I'm not sure. What I'm working with is less the "wanting" to be pregnant (we both know what we WANT in an ideal world, and that is 2 babies from 2 pregnancies in 2 bodies) -- but more about balancing the questions of finances, social roles that impact how we feel, and whether that "experience" for me outweighs the odds that we end up with a good outcome for our family/relationship/security etc...

clairmeij · December 2012

To (probably) oversimplify, I think that there are many ways of making a family, and none of them are any less real or important than any of the other ways.

As someone who identifies as a femme, and who has always wanted to be pregnant, have a baby and give birth, I totally understand that desire and even yearning. I think the fact that you are concerned about finances is a really good reason to reconsider. Honestly, I think that if I hadn't been able to conceive for some reason, and my (soft butch) partner had given birth to our child, I would still have had the whole experience of having a child right from the newborn stage. I believe that that would satisfy the urge enough in me to not want to land in a situation that could impact the whole family negatively from a financial standpoint. That's my personal feedback, obviously everyone is different.

only1leia · December 2012

I don't claim to know any answers, but both my partner and I are, I guess gender fluid? More on the soft-butch side, short hair, no make-up, I wear jeans and a T-shirt every day. I've always known I wanted to get pregnant and give birth to a child, and have children in my life. My partner is the same way, she loves kids and always had. She is pregnant first only because that's what will be easiest for both of our jobs.

As to feeling like you "should" give birth? Like I said, I've always known I wanted to, I was already out and 16 years old when I knew I (still) wanted to carry a baby. We plan to carry at least one each, and see where we are from there. Possibly adoption, or one (or both) carry again, but it's hard to say right now.

I know I'm personally looking forward to what I envision as "breaking stereotype" when I'm pregnant and having short hair (as usual). I won't mind the looks, and I'll be glad to talk to anyone who approaches me about it because I'm proud of my partner and our (eventual) family.

Two*True · December 2012

Obviously only you and E can make the decision for your family but if I were in your shoes I would be hesitant too. I 100% believe you both would continue to be rock star moms if you added more to your family so that really isn't the question it's just whether you want to do it? And if you don't want to be pregnant, will E consider it again? With your new job, if you ended up on bed rest or something could you afford it? Not just financially, but career wise. While you shouldn't be penalized for having to take a medical leave, we know women often are. You have state insurance benefits now right? If so, those are freaking awesome and I would say the financial burden of TTC is gone. If you do have the same insurance as us, they pay $50K lifetime for IVF. IUIs don't count against that.

Really, one of the only reasons we moved forward with TTC was because (we hand the insurance) I could take the risk of pregnancy. It wouldn't be easy if my pay wasn't coming in for some time, or was a lesser rate due to an extended level but we would be okay. There is no way would could take that same risk for K and her pay (although in our case, her carrying wasn't even an option).

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