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JMC11511
member
Update on my niece...longish
JMC11511
member
Heard from her Mom yesterday. Niece is being given medication to help her sleep and "help balance her hormones." Not sure exactly what that means, but I am hoping that whatever they are giving her helps and doesn't do more harm than good.
Her Mom told me that she immediately brought up school (Mom not niece) when she saw her last night and niece shut down completely. Niece wants to do independent study (she is a high school junior). Mom says no because there is no one to watch niece and she cannot be trusted to be alone. She apparently also told my niece that she cannot be trusted. Which, while true, is not something she needs to hear at the moment. I encouraged Mom to avoid the subject of school for the time being and just focus on nieces mental health.
Here's where I'm conflicted. DH and I are entertaining the thought of offering to let our niece stay with us for a while. I would be able to monitor her doing independent study and she would be in a safe place. Mom does have to work, as she has 4 kids to support. Also, my niece has had to be responsible for her younger brothers since a very young age and has verbalized that they are part of what triggers her to hurt herself. Mom seems to think that moving all of them in with her parents, but still having the kids in school in their current district (about 40 minutes away) would be a viable option. While it would help financially, it is not logistically a good idea for a variety of reasons. Not to mention that the relationship between Mom and her parents is strained, and her sisters live close by. That relationship is strained too. Niece has already told her Mom that she would not want to live with them. I realize we cannot just cater to niece's every whim, but being with her Mom's parents really would not be a good idea for anyone.
She is supposed to have a family counseling session this afternoon to determine whether she will stay in the facility past the 72 hour hold, which ends this evening, or whether she will be released tonight. I am actually hoping that they keep her a little longer. Mom said she seemed really peaceful yesterday when she first got there, but immediately clammed up when she brought up school and told her she could not be trusted. I just feel like if niece can have some more time to be in a structured environment and have professionals to talk to her and address her mental health then progress is more likely to happen.
So that's where we're at. On the one hand, I want to say that we will take her for a little while at least, just to give her some separation and see how she does. On the other hand, that's a lot of responsibility for us to take on. There would of course be a lot of rules that would go with her being with us, and I'm not even sure her Mom would go for it.
Continued T&P appreciated and if anyone has any insight or advice, I'm listening.
Because you're mine, I walk the line....
Landry Mark: 11/5/11
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update on my niece...longish
I know a couple who took in their niece who sounds very much like yours. They had a young daughter about 5 at the time. Honestly, it was the best thing for the girl. Her dad was an alcoholic, they bought her tons of stuff but never paid any attention to her emotional well being. When the niece went to live with this couple she really turned things around. Her grades improved and she stopped cutting and drinking. I know they had VERY strict rules for her and I believe they eventually gave her more privileges the longer she was there...I don't remember all of the details but I do remember it was a very good thing for the girl.
It sounds like, if you and your H can take her in, it would be the best thing for her. Is she bullied at school? Does she have many friends? Maybe that is why she is opting for independent study. It sounds like her mother really isn't involved in her life and maybe this girl just genuinely needs someone to care about her. I work with preteen and teen girls and this is the case a lot of times. They just feel alone, like nobody even cares what they're going through. Adults often downplay what teens are dealing with. I know going through high school was a roller coaster and obviously looking back now all of those things seem silly but when I was dealing with them then they were a BIG deal...Ya know? If I were you I would sit down with your H and have a serious talk about what is best for your niece and if you both feel like having her with you is manageable and the best option, do it.
Thanks Lattelady. As far as we know she is not bullied at school. Mom says she doesn't really have a lot of friends, niece says everyone her grade is "stuck up." Apparently the person that she spent the most time with was her "best friend" who happens to be a boy. Mom has spoken to this boy to ask if anything happened in the last few weeks that would have made niece lash out again, and he said he wasn't sure because he hasn't really been hanging out with her. Which to me sounds like maybe more was going on with the two of them than any of us know about.
I totally hear you about her feeling like nobody cares about what she's going through. In the grand scheme of things, stuff at school really isn't a big deal. But when you're 16, have no relationship with your biological father, your stepfather (my BIL) has abandoned you in favor of drinking, and your Mom's ex-boyfriend/babydaddy/former husband to your Mom's best friend has been in and out of one's life, very few things are small by comparison. DH and I feel like we have somehow failed our niece in all of this. When she was younger, we saw them pretty regularly. Now they live farther away, we have DS, and their Mom just does not make it easy for us to see them. I can't help but feel that if we had just made more of an effort, she wouldn't be in this mess.
Anyway, we'll know more about what's going on after this counseling session this afternoon.
I'm only lurking, so forgive me if I'm out of line commenting.
As someone that struggles with self injury (I have not actively done anything in almost 8 years, but it isn't something that just goes away) I will say that if she can stay in treatment longer to better learn her triggers and some baseline coping skills, it will do nothing but good for her.
She may not be "bullied" at school, but if you're stuck in a cycle, sometimes it isn't the other people you have to worry about. Self injurers do a pretty good job at bullying themselves which just makes the cycle worse, so being in school around "stuck up" people could be her way of saying it makes her more aware of her own shortcomings.
This is a really tough road to be on, like I said it isn't something that just goes away...I started when I was 12, and kept it a secret until I was almost 16, and now I'm 27 and still working on it daily. She is very lucky to have you and your H in her corner willing to help her in whatever way you can.
Pnkit's actually helpful to look at her view about school from that perspective. Hopefully I can explain that to her Mom and get her Mom to look at it that way. I do know that she was not released last night but I don't have anymore details. Hopefully I will get some today.
At this point, DH and I are thinking "if she were to go home, keep cutting, and possibly do something worse, would we be able to live with ourselves knowing we did not even offer to take her in, even for just a little while." The answer is no. We would never forgive ourselves. Now it just becomes a matter of seeing if her and/or her Mom will even go for that option.
It's just a very nasty cycle.
Things build up to the point that it's overwhelming, cutting provides temporary immediate release of all the built up crap, then the shame of realizing what you just did to cope sets in and it starts the cycle of everything building back up all over again. It's not an easy cycle to break, and it's very hard for an outsider to understand (her mom, from your op, does not sound like she has any idea whatsoever....saying things like "you can't be trusted" are most certainly triggers, and will stay with her daughter for a long time). As much as your niece needs help, suggesting her mom talk to someone as well would be good. If she can find a therapist that has dealt with self mutilators/injurers to talk to, they might have better insight for her about how to best communicate and support her daughter.
My mom and I went through MANY rough years after she found out, and it took a lot of "middle men" to help guide us through it. T&P for everyone involved, because this will be a long, hard road, but it seems like you've got the right idea to help and support your niece however you can.
I don't know a ton about the back story, but I will throw this in. My parents allowing me to do indepedent study at the end of my sophomore year and on is what changed my life. I stopped all of the crazy stuff I was doing, and turned my life around. I was able to start college at 16 and become an RN at 19- things I wouldn't have been able to do if I were stuck in school.
Good luck!
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