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April 2013 Moms
Child-free shower invites
I keep being invited to showers (mostly baby showers at this point) that specifically say on the invitation, no children please. My husband works weekends so I keep having to ask my mother in law to watch DS. I'm just getting tired of it, especially if it's my husband's friends' wives. If it's not my good friend, I'm going to start rsvp'ing no and just dropping off a gift. Anyone else feel this way?
I understand the argument about taking the limelight off the mother to be, but it just feels especially wrong that the invitation specifically states that children aren't welcome at a party to celebrate a child. It's not like this is a wedding. Plus, they keep having them at restaurants where I have to pay for my meal. I think I might just be getting sick of this particular group of women. This is approximately once per month at this point and some of these showers are for second children.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Child-free shower invites
If you want to make a "stink" about it, you could do what I did once - walked into the party with my SD and DD in tow, dropped off my gift, and said "Sorry I can't stay, I'm already a parent." and left. hahah...
I guess the fact that I didn't like the girl had to do with it... but the baby daddy was one of DH's closest friends... (And yes, the present was geared towards Dad and not mom)
That's the part that got me, who does that?!
I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting children at a shower -- I don't think it is about taking the limelight off the mother-to-be, I think it is just about wanting to have an adult party.
But throwing a party where you have to pay for your own food is insanely tacky -- it isn't like saying "Hey, everybody, we're going out for dinner for Mary's birthday!" because you are expected to bring a gift ("Shower the mom with gifts"). If they want to have a celebration for the mom-to-be where people have to pay their own way, they should just have a luncheon and specify "no gifts" and leave it at that.
I think you're doing the right thing just saying No and sending a gift. My mom is having my shower be child-free to keep costs down. If we allowed everyone to bring their kids, my shower would cost almost twice as much. I know that it's an inconvenience for some people, and therefore I do not expect everyone to show. Your friends are probably reasonable and understand.
Yep. Mirrored is wise.
BFP #1: 08/17/2012 DD1 born 05/01/2013
BFP #2: 07/31/2015 M/C 09/23/2015 (11.5 weeks)
While I haven't received any 'no children' shower invites, if I'm invited to an adult party I'm going to enjoy that adults-only atmosphere for a change of pace! If I can't find a sitter, then I would decline going, but I'm not getting shower invites once per month so I would find a way to make it happen if I liked the woman.
I also suspect that 'no children' applies only to the >1yr old/walking/need to be entertained set. I don't see the harm/distraction in bringing a baby that is just going to hang out on your lap or be napping as a problem.
And VERY weird you have to pay your own meal. The host can just throw a cupcake party if cost is an issue, or seriously people, cut down on your guest lists!
I completely agree with this. Also, I think it's really nice of you to still provide a gift if you're not attending.
Yeah, I understand wanting to have an adult party, but I just sort of feel like a bridal shower, bachelorette, or wedding are adult party type things. Whereas a baby shower with games that involve tasting baby food and stuff are more child-oriented.
I'm probably also getting tired of having to ask my mother in law to watch my son on one of only two days I get to spend quality time with him. I wish my husband had to go to these things instead of me.
OR maybe we should have MH's friend and his expectant wife over for dinner and give them our gift.
Wow. There is so much to address here.
1st......I honestly didn't even think that kids wouldn't be welcome at a baby shower, until I showed up to a shower with my daughter in tow to find out that it was a "kid free" party. hahah. That was awkward. It doesn't make any sense to me. I work full time so the weekends I spend with my daughter no matter what I'm doing. If they want me there on a weekend, she's with me and that's all there is to it.
2nd......I think it's super tacky to have a shower/party where your guests have to pay for their own food. My husband and I argue about this all the time. He wanted to have DD's birthday party at a restaurant and I feel like if we are inviting people, then we are responsible for the check. I'm sorry you are put in this situation where you're going to these tacky showers where you have to pay for your own food.
3rd.....I really think that showers for 2nd babies are tacky. I understand if there is a BIG gap between kids (5+ years) but if it's just, you had a girl 2 years ago and now you're having a boy.....I think it's a little gift grabby. I'd RSVP no. I'm not going to a shower for my own SIL because they're doing a 2nd shower for her and I think it's silly. Heartless, I know.
I dislike showers at a restaurant because you are forced to go out to eat/pay for a meal and bring a gift. I think it's tacky on the hosts part and only go if it's a close friend.
I do however agree with not bringing kids to a shower because (in the instance that it's not at a restaurant) there may be a space issue. My shower for DS we invited 30 people and the max capacity for the party room that was rented was exactly that. Then like 10 people RSVP'd saying, "Me and DD will be there" or what not and we didn't have space for 10 extra people... kids at that who aren't very good at sitting still etc. Then some people just showed up with kids that never said anything. I never bring DS with me (now 4) to a shower because frankly, he's distracting to not only me - when I want to pay attention to the mom-to-be and participate in the shower, but also to other guests.
There was a 1 year old at my cousin's very-crowded shower last month and his mom had to chase him around like crazy, he got noisy while she was opening presents and was just overall distracting. I understand that's just what babies do but IMO there are some places that young kids aren't ideal. Movie theaters, weddings etc... are much better without the presence of young kids.
Older kids are different though as they are a lot less restless, loud, can entertain themselves or be entertained by the shower etc.
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)
Oh I was invited to this same woman's bridal shower when DS when only 2 months old and he was not excepted. I dropped off a gift and left, which I why I now feel guilty also missing her baby shower. I feel like my point was made the first time . . . .
Why can't people look at it as some adult/sanity time? Why does it have to be such a big deal? It's not like a shower lasts 48 hours or something. The ones I go to are a few hours at most and I think of it as a chance to rejuvenate and connect with friends. I wouldn't think of it as leaving anyone "behind?" *Sincerely, FTM who rolled her eyes at this.
PS- Inviting people to a restaurant for a shower and expecting them to pay their own way is tacky as h#ll.
I work full time so I feel like I get plenty of adult time. I don't get to see my son very much though. I'm not sure that playing games is really very adult though. I do understand that a two year old running around is distracting.
I am torn about this next one, although if I were the hostess I would have made some different choices. I haven't made my decision yet. I'm hoping my friend's shower is the same day so I have another excuse not to go to this one.
I think an expectant parent has every right to dictate that no children are allowed at her shower.
Having said that, I also think you have every right to not attend for whatever reason. If it's this much of a hassle, and you're not close with the person anyway, don't go.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
All of this.
Here are my thoughts on this;
1 - I have a child and I think child-free showers are fine. I don't think its about stealing the mother-to-be's lime light, I just think its about spending quality time with family/girlfriends without having kids running around/yelling etc.
2. Hosting showers at a restaurant, expecting guests to bring gifts and making them pay for their meal is very tacky.
3. Having a planned shower for a second/third/fourth/etc time mom is also tacky as well. Especially when the mom-to-be registers. With that said, I'm okay with surprise sprinkles the mother to be has no idea about.
Just my two cents.
Also, OP - why can't your husband watch your kids while you go to these events? Does he work on the weekend? No snark at all, simply wondering..
Because there is no one in the world I'd rather hang out with than my daughter. She is by far my very favorite person in this whole world. So the fact that I have to leave her every day of the week, when I'm asked to do something without her one more day of the week, it feels like I'm taking time away from her. Before I had her, I would have felt the same way you do.....just go to the party and enjoy your friends, it's not a big deal. What I'm saying now is.....just wait until your LO is here and you don't feel like you get enough time with them. It's amazing how different you feel when your child becomes a reality and not just a dream.
THIS. Who "hosts" a shower and makes you pay for your meal? Mine will be at a local wine bar, where bruschettas, flat breads, and WINE is included!! It's a courtesy I feel like, to provide food and drink to all the women who are bringing you gifts. Also, aren't full on showers a little taboo these days, and you have "Sprinkles" that include diapers and necessities instead? No idea, just what I have experienced with my STM friends...
Yes, he's a chef and works weekends.
So anyone who goes to a shower (or other party, event etc) once every, what... couple of months....?? without their kid means that they'd rather spend time with other people than their kid? Um, no.
I love my kid more than anything too, and I work full time and it sucks that I have to spend 5 days a week away from him but work isn't "me time" or time to just enjoy myself so I do enjoy spending an evening or afternoon without him on occasion. Oh and MH works and/or is in school 6 nights a week so the vast majority of the time that I am invited to something, I need to get a sitter too. It's life.
If you are so attached to your kid that you never need/want to spend time doing your own thing then I guess that's up to you but I don't think there's anything wrong with a guest of honor or host to not want kids at an event.
ETA clarity
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)
Oh see if this was me time, I might be willing to get a sitter or ask mother in law, because I haven't done that ... um, ever. Maybe I should! But, this isn't me time. It's the other new and/or semi-new mother of the month time. It's all about her. I also don't see this as quality time with my friends, because well, these are MH's friends' wives.
Didn't say this was for everyone. This is how I feel about kid free showers.
I understand what every one is saying about the kids being a distraction and being loud and obnoxious and all that, but isn't this a good time to teach your kids about how to behave in certain social situations? How do you expect your children to learn what is acceptable if you never bring them into situations like this?
Maybe that's the difference - I've never actually been to a shower where we have played games like that. Wedding, wedding shower, baby shower... they all seem pretty adult to me.
Oh, okay, so since it's not "you" time you can't understand how/why anyone wouldn't want kids at a shower they were having or throwing?
If it's someone who you're not that close with then it's not a big deal to decline. I decline those invites just because I don't feel like going unless it's for someone I know/like a lot. But if they don't want kids at a shower for whatever reason, I'm not going to judge them for it.
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)
You're probably right. I would really like them if every time I saw them I didn't have to leave my kid with someone and bring them a gift and pay for my meal
This might be true, but i also think that different peopel are just used to different things. I mean, I'm one of the ONLY women in my group of friends who doesn't have kids yet, but I've never been to a shower before where kids were present, or where it was indicated on the invite that kids weren't invited. Shrug. I didn't even know people brought children to showers.
To each their own - personally, I would not feel good about using somebody's baby shower as a teachable moment for my child.
But can you not understand that there might be good reasons that a host or pregnant mom may not want kids at a shower? In my group of 12 girlfriends, there are 24 kids between us all. Imagine if everyone brought their kids to a shower for one of the moms... it would be mayhem and not about the shower at all. Not to mention space issues as I said before. Maybe they don't have room for 12 women and 24 kids.
As for your second paragraph... there are certain times where you have to teach your small child to sit still/quiet that you can't avoid... like grocery shopping, errands, waiting rooms, restaurants etc. That is plenty enough time and I welcome the opportunity when I can avoid bringing my son to a place where we he has to contain his energy. He's a kid after all and obviously kids like to run around, be vocal etc and not sit still and be a mute.
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)
So the only time you see them is when you're invited to their shower and you don't see or hang out with them aside from that ever?
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)
And I think this is where our own life experiences start to show how different our thinking on this is.......I come from a HUGE family. I am the youngest of 10 kids. My parents have 21 grandkis with this baby being #22 and I guess I'm just used to there always being kids at parties and chaos. It's totally normal feeling to me. This past shower I went to was the first time that it ever even occured to me that people would host a shower with no kids. It was a really weird feeling to me. I know all families aren't like this big crazy family I come from.....but this might give you a little understanding of why I would choose to want to bring my kid vs. leave her at home.
I do go have "me time" usually once a month with my girlfriends, but I wouldn't consider the kid free shower I went to as me time. It was awkward as hell and I was happy to have my daughter with me as a distraction from the weird shower.
I can understand child-free if it is a space issue. However, I loved going to showers with my mom when I was a kid. It was a fun, girly thing to do, and I knew I had to sit still and be quiet. As for the responses that the person the shower is for wouldn't want kids there because then it wouldn't "be about the shower": I think that is ridiculous. Are people really that AWish??
As far as paying your own way at a shower, that is the tackiest thing I've ever heard.
PP's pretty much covered it, but I need to throw in my 2 cents about a couple of things anyway. Regarding the OP - I see nothing wrong with any event being no children. It's up to the people throwing the party. It's also up to the invited guest to go or not. If you don't want to go without your kid, then don't go. The paying for the own meal thing - ridiculous. I wouldn't go for that reason. Especially if it's not someone I'm extremely close with.
In regards to some of the other posts that stemmed from this...I know I'm just a FTM so what do I know, but can guarantee I will want to have some adult only time on the weekends once in awhile. I know myself and I know that I won't want to stop doing things I enjoy. Will I do them less, probably. But I will still do them. And I believe I will be a better mom because of it.
ETA Clarity
Okay I'm gonna jump in with my thoughts.
1: Making people pay for their own food and a gift is tacky. I would never do that.
2: If they want an adults only, I get it! I had three small kids to chase around at the last one I went to a while ago. It sucked and I left early. 4, 2 and a baby at the time.
3: It's not tacky to celebrate a new life coming into this world. I don't care if it's their 6th kid. It's totally fine with it. My friend wants to throw me one. I'll have a 4 year gap and we did give away most of everything. That said, I have bought all the "big ticket" items already. It's fun to have a party for your LO!
4: I DO understand not wanting to leave your kids if you work all week! I get that. Then do a drop off and stay home or just stay home. It's up to you what you decide to do with your time.
We can't wait to meet our Blake Katherine!!
I've never been to a shower with kids present. I didn't know that was done.
Also I've never heard of a shower where you have to pay for your food.
Correction. When invited to a kid-free shower, your choices are (a) don't go to the shower and hang out with your kid, or (b) go to the shower and leave your kid. Bringing your child to a kid-free shower as you stated above is not an option. I have a kid and do not take him where he is not invited. It is rude. You are given an option to not go, exercise that if you are uncomfortable bringing your child, but crashing is with a kid is pretty tacky. You threw your shower with what ever parameters you wanted, let the mom-to-be have the same rights and respect it.
SN: I am pretty anti-shower, but non-kid-free showers with 12+ guest are pretty annoying because it simply turns into one massive chaotic play date.