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Parenting
Update on DH's bio DD
So last time I posted DH's biological DD "B"s Mom and adoptive father had split up, and we were unsure whether we should contact them or not.
About a week ago they started uploading pictures of themselves together again on facebook, so we assumed this meant that B's adoptive dad was back in the picture. Last night DH texted B's Dad and asked him it would be ok if we sent presents for xmas this year, or if it would be possible to meet up like we did last year. After months of little to no contact, this is what he sent back,
I am sorry to say but no. We have been meeting with a child psychologist, according to her we should not be having B see you. We are supposed to leave it up to her at the age of 18, but until then she says it is not healthy or fair because she will just get confused. If you would like to send gifts that is fine.
We were pretty much shocked..I know this is result of the decision that my DH made, but B's Mom and adoptive father invited us back into her life, I'm not sure why they think it is now healthy to take DH back out of it, especially after B has been asking to see him. I know that they did see a child psychologist, but I cant imagine she would tell them that it is confusing for B to see us, but not confusing for her to get presents in the mail from us.
It would be easy to accept if we truly believed this is what is best for B, but if she is asking to see us, and we are not forcing ourselves into her lives, than I guess it's just hard to accept it. Ugh..the whole situation is hard, hopefully it isn't truly 10 years before we see her again, but legally there is nothing we can do, and it is something we have to accept as per the decision that DH made.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update on DH's bio DD
They are her parents- they can make that decision.
Maybe they made the decision thinking it was best for her and have had a change of heart? Kudos to them for seeing a child psychologist if that is true.
Sorry you are going through this and I know it has to be tough. But if the parents truly believe the best option is not to muddy the waters with biological dad, dad, biological dads wife (stepmom?) etc.. then that is their prerogative.
I agree, they probably should have gone down the road beforehand but- they didn't. Whats done is done. They are taking action to correct something they believe was a mistake.
Again, I feel really bad for you guys. But, let it be.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70251927.aspx
this womans DH gave up parental rights to his kid when he was 19.
Years later, they contact the birth mother and her mother's new husband who has adopted the girl. They let them see her and told them the truth about her father.
They stopped letting her see them. They want to know what to do.
That is about the gist of it.
Also, print out and keep that text.
He can't. He isn't the girls father anymore. The adoptive father is now. When she becomes an adult, she can then choose to be involved in her biological father's life.
Good advice.
I know one thing your DH was struggling with was how he was ever going to explain why he signed away his rights. B seeing DH brings all those issues to the surface. Just let her be a kid and deal with those things when she's older. I know you don't like the answer, but you need to accept it.
We have very limited contact with the (adoptive) parents of my SSs' biological siblings. They do not allow SSs' biological mother to speak to them because it wrecks them emotionally for days.
Who can make that decision at 19? I know he was an adult, but still... Maybe I'm in the minority here, but it doesn't seem right.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70251927.aspx Here is backstory,
Both parents do not believe this is what is best. B's Mom is pro "Have bio Dad in picture" but B's adoptive father has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't know how to handle DH coming back into the picture and that it isn't fair that DH get's to be fun while he has to be discipline. This is all stuff B's Mom has told me.
We do see a family counselor, we started seeing one immediately after they invited us back into B's life, and we have been very diligant about going to her and following her advice. She also is under the impression that it would not be best for B to allow DH back into her life, and then take him back out of it. I know that they are her parents, and that they can do whatever they want, that's the problem though, I think B's Dad is doing what he wants and may not be doing what is best.
It's not one signature. It is a formal legal process.
No, I agree with you.
It does suck you can make a life altering decision at 19 that haunts you for the rest of your life. But, like you said- at 19, you are an adult and are responsible for your actions entirely.
I feel really bad for the biological dad, tbh. He made a mistake he has to live with and it really sucks.
We allow 19 year olds to vote, marry, go to war, get credit cards, pick their major and make all sorts of life altering decisions. Many of us were stupid. This decision does have severe consequences. I feel badly for her DH, but he had a choice.
How do you know she isn't saying that to make it look like her DH is the "bad guy"? Maybe she truly doesn't want your husband to be involved with her daughter's life but doesn't want to be the one to say it. She didn't want him involved at one point in her life- perhaps she still feels that way.
Plus, he (the adoptive dad, mothers DH) is her father. He has a say in who is involved with HIS daughter's life. Regardless if she came from his sperm or not.
This is how we feel. Honestly, we have B's adoptive father on our facebook's and he is extremely immature. He has a history of being unfaithful to B's Mom, and B's Mom has also told us that he dragged her down the stairs by her neck when she was 7 months pregnant with B's little sister.
I know that this issue causes turmoil in their house, the house that B has to live in, so by taking us out of the equation we take some of the turmoil out of B's house. Which is good. It just sucks that there isn't a way that we can see B without causing marital problems on their end.
As much as it sucks for the OP (and really stinks that the parents flip flopped), giving a child up is permanent and for good reason. NOT saying this applies at all to the OP but can you imagine a world where every parent who had signed away their rights was legally entitled to come and go, be a parent and not, as the fancy struck them? It's a tough decision for sure but I'm sure the OP's husband was well aware of the finality of the situation at the time. What he's clearly struggling with is the parents' inability to think the entire situation through before giving them red light/green light signals on having a relationship with the girl.
You do have a valid point here, B's mom has a history of stretching the truth or telling us stuff that we don't believe to be true. However, I do believe that she wants B in DH's life. This is something her and B's adoptive father have both told us. They have made it clear that they disagree amongst each other, on the extent of involvement that DH should be in B's life. And this is something that we have heard from B's Mom and B's Dad.
This exactly.
My DH was adopted by his stepdad and he barely remembers his biodad. He had almost nothing to do with my husband for the first 6 years of his life, and then had the gall to try to contest the adoption. He lost. I guess when you abandon your pregnant wife and never pay child support, the court sees you as unfit. Who knew?? Lol.
I feel so badly for your DH, but he made an irrevocable choice. The little girl has a father and it's not your DH.
Even if her parents are making the wrong decisions for her, they are the ones with the right to make them. Period.
I really hope it all works out for you! My DH has zero interest in finding his biodad, but hopefully your DH's daughter will seek him out when she is of age. Good luck!
I'm sorry this happened. The only thing you can hope for is that later on they change their minds.
The only further correspondence that is appropriate is one last email from biodad to say, "ok, I understand. I'm very sad about this, but it is your.decision to make. Please know that I am always open and willing for further contact. Thank you."
Your husband has zero rights here.
Have you thought that perhaps the psychologist suggested a clean break from bdad because it was causing stress in the mom dad's relationship? I would imagine that if they've been.having marital issues, then the last thing they want or need.is more emotional drama right now.
Whether or not you agree with them doesnt matter. That man is her dad, and that is her mom. It might be nice for her to know her.biodad,.but it's not necessary. She has a dad.
Can you tell I have an adopted older brother?
As do I actually, same Mom, differeny Dads, but my biological Dad adopted him, and I imagine it would have been very difficult for him growing up if my parents pulled his bio dad in and out of his life as they pleased.
It takes two to tango.
I don't blame you guys for coming in and out but if you are truly concerned about the well being of his biological child, and you know this girls parents are sketchy and flip flop...
Why not choose to step back for her well being?
There I said it.
Well for a couple reasons actually..
First being, when B's parents first told us that they were willing to have DH re-enter B's life, the four of us went out to dinner together to sit down and talk about what the groundrules were going to be. One thing B's adoptive father told us, was that if we were going to do this, it was going to be permanent, and we could not decide, a year down the road, that we no longer wanted to be a part of B's life and disappear, he said that we needed to be stable in her life, and that if we had children of our own, they had better not come between our interaction with B.
We had LO five months ago, so the last thing we have wanted to do was step out of B's life, when her adoptive father made it perfectly clear that he wanted us to be in her life consistantly.
Secondly, their communication with us has been very vague and inconsistant. We are never sure if we should back off, or continue to try and contact them, because when we ask, they don't reply, we are scared to back off because of reason number one, but don't want to continue to pursue if it is causing fights. Basically we were kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.
And finally, B has always expressed that she likes to meet with DH and I. She has told both her parents this, and also tells us during our meetings. We would hate to voluntarily take ourselves out of her lives if she wants us in it.
This is not voluntarily on your part. This is for B's well being. Her parents are with her more and know her better. I'm sorry that your H and his daughter are paying for a poor choice he made when he was young, but it is what it is. I can see where her parents are coming from. I'm sure this is very difficult for all of them and you have no choice but to take your cues from her mom and adoptive father.
What they warned you not to do and what they're doing isn't the same thing. They told you that you and your DH couldn't randomly pop in and our of her life as you pleased. They are telling that they've made a deliberate decision with the help of a trained professional that your presence in her life isn't what's best for her right now.
Well, you can want all you want. However, this is NOT an open adoption. Your H signed away his rights. That may be harsh, but you need to step back. You aren't in any way, shape, or form ANY part of this girl's life. You really have ZERO idea of what is going on or has been talked about by any of them. The girl could have said she wanted you to be part of her life, but changed her mind. There are a million possibilities. None of it matters because you have NO RIGHTS with this girl. You need to be respectful of your husband's previous choice, as well as the legal rights of this girl & her family.
I'm truly sorry that you went through the turmoil of possibly being in her life, but you need to walk away. Enjoy your family of 3, and hope that when the girl turns 18, she chooses to find you guys. That's really all you have. Accept that.
I'm sorry you're going through this. We adopted our oldest after her father passed away when she was 3. Her mother had signed away her rights at birth. They were both 18 at the time. DH and I have discussed what we would do if her birth mother wanted to see her and/or become a part of her life. Ultimately, we decided she has a right to know her birth mother and any other half siblings she may have one day. Her mom was just out of high school when she was born and made a decision she thought was best for her at the time. We can't really fault her for that.
But, as her parents, they have the final say and if they don't feel comfortable having you and your DH in her life at this time, there isn't much to be done. I know it has to be heartbreaking to have a child that you can't see but that was the decision your husband made and now he just has to wait and see if the daughter will be open to a relationship when she is of age.
Thanks for clearing that up.
This is exactly what we think as well.
My SSs' bio sibs' parents are under advisement of a counselor as well. I'm sure they are complex people with their own feelings and interests, but from our conversations, their guiding rule is what is best for the children.
You can harbor resentment towards the parents, but it's not going to help the relationship any, either with the daughter or the parents.
When we first contacted the SSs' bio sibs' parents, my first concern was that we would not disrupt their family. My SSs were old enough that they remembered their sibs, but their sibs were young when they were adopted and do not remember my SSs. We were very clear that we did not want to disrupt their family and we would allow them complete control in how much, if any, contact they wanted with us. I know we are not the bioparents and the relationship is much different, but our family and my SSs were never given any rights or say in the termination of their familial relationship. Your DH was.
You think explaining to your DH that he may never see the daughter he signed away is hard? Try explaining to an eight year old that he will never see the brother he knew and loved again, ever, because of his mother's choices.
Everybody has battles they are fighting, I'm so sorry you are going through this, but your battle does not make mine any less.
True. Just as I'm sure my (I'm sooo tired of typing this) SS' bio sibs' parents have their battles with their family issues and your DH's DD's parents do also. I would not make them out to be the villans. It will only make a bad situation worse.
I cannot agree with you more here. DH continues to talk about how this wouldn't be happening if B's adoptive father wasn't so insecure, and I think I have told him 10 times today, "hunny this wouldn't be happening if you hadn't signed away your rights" however, I think that is like rubbing salt in an open wound, and right now I think it's just easier for him to cope by pointing fingers elsewhere.
I do understand there is nothing we can do, and I understand this was his choice, the situation is just really hard. For everyone.
And the other day I posted asking for advice whether to contact B's Mom or not, and some people asked keep them updating, so I was just trying to do that. Anyways, thanks for everyone who posted, it is nice to get different views on it.
But yours isn't a battle. You guys want to see his biological child. Her mother and father do not want you guys to.
I'm sorry but I think for your own benefit you are going to have to focus on what you have and let this go.
There are examples of biological parents coming in and disrupting things. There are examples of biological parents coming in and having healthy relationships with their offspring. Every situation is unique.
And so what if her father is threatened by your DH? If that is a concern of his, he has every right to address it and not include you guys in her life. If having your DH involved is a constant issue between him and his wife, then maybe they decided as a couple to not include him for the sake of their marriage. Yes it may be immature. Yes he may be insecure. But he is her father and he has every right to feel those emotions.
If you recognize that their red light/green light moodswings about your DH's involvement is bad for this child, then for the child's sake, don't play into them.
Good luck.
And not really on topic but, the daughter you both have is absolutely adorable.
Maybe they realized it is their actions. And maybe they realized the girls father is insecure and does feel threatened. So their way of addressing it is not having the biological father involved. It sucks and may be immature, but- if that is how the father feels, that is how feels. He is her father.
What will a lawyer do? Hop in his delorean, go back in time, and get the biological father not to go through the legal process of giving up all parental rights to the girl? I don't understand how that would accomplish anything. But, maybe since I don't understand there is something they can do. It just seems pretty simple to me. The biological father is not her parent. Her father is the guy who adopted her and married her mom.
I would send a gift. They left that door open, and I think it's in your DH's best interest to respect the boundaries they set and also pursue any opportunity they allow for contact. Even if they don't tell her the gift was from DH, your DH will know she has something from him. It also shows the parents that he will not just walk away because they are pulling back from him.
The only opinions that count are her parents'.
She has a dad. Your husband is not him. It sucks...but it is what it is.
I'm sorry for you guys. I can't imagine how painful this is. But you just have to accept it and hope that they change their minds or that she contacts you when shes of age.
I'm sorry but who are you to tell me that this isn't a battle we are dealing with? This is a battle that DH and I struggle with internally everyday of our life.