Feeling Relieved : Please don't Judge

MPLSdesigner · November 2012

I know that this may sound shocking and cold but I am feeling relieved about the recent miscarriage I experienced.

A little background : Last Monday we had an ultrasound that showed a 6w 2day old baby with no heartbeat and I was technically supposed to be around 9w 2 days. We had gone in at 7w 2 days and seen the same 6w 2 day old baby with a heartbeat of 90. I could tell the nurses were a little skeptical when we went in the first time and the baby was a week behind with a very weak heartbeat so honestly I had been preparing myself for this news during the two week wait for the next ultrasound.

Even before we went in at 7 weeks I had a feeling things were "off". It started with the conception. I had been charting my cycle since I got AF after finishing nursing baby 1. We finally felt 'ready' and this was our first round of trying for baby 2.

It ended up that I was a bit off with our timing -- I ovulated about 6 days after the last day we BD. I thought - there is no way I can get pregnant because the sperm cannot last a week inside me. Even so - I took a preg test (first reponse) at 3 days before AF was due. Negative. I took another one day AF was due. Negative again. At this point I was convinced I was not preg as I got a DARK red line on day AF was due with baby 1. So that night I had a few glasses of wine (and a few beers at a football game with husband). Fast forward to 4 days later when I still had not gotten AF. I took a test and it came back VERY VERY VERY faint - I could barely see it but it was positive.

I cried. I was really upset. I felt terrible about the beers and wine and felt that there was just no way I could be pregnant. The timing just seemed impossible and the test showed up so late. I felt that things just were not 'timing right'.

When we saw the delayed growth and then two weeks later when we heard the news that the baby wasn't growing it just seemed like what I had known from the start - that things just never got going.

I know I'm rambling but I guess I just felt like sharing this. I felt so scared and worried and had this 'feeling' that the baby was going to have serious problems even from the beginning because of how 'off' things were. And so - the news of what I had always expected seems to be a relief to me. I was thinking that there was no way I could survive 9 months of knowing that something was wrong and know that if this baby survived it would have had serious problems. I always have felt that I have a very strong mind-body connection and am very in tune with things and this totally confirms it. I feel very good knowing how well I understand my body.

I know that so many worse things can happen to a person and that this is such a common experience for women in their childbearing years so I'm taking this experience as a learning opportunity. I obviously will not drink until after AF arrives or I get the BFP (just for peace of mind), I will set me expectations lower, I will not assume anything and I will just count my blessings everyday. I already have one healthy an amazing child and that is more than many deserving women will ever have.

I hope I do not seem so cold to have a feeling of relief after this experience...I guess I just wanted to share and see if others have gone through something similar.

kellekapowski · November 2012

THIS is how I feel. Relief that it's over. No judgement from me.

I knew from the get-go things weren't right. With my first DD, I had a strong positive HPT the day I missed my period. With this one, I had the exact same as you...a barely there, I'm not sure I'm seeing it right faint positive. It got progressively darker, but all the betas just weren't right.

I knew the entire time things were off. It was just a waiting game. I want this child, hell we've been trying since June. But I knew this wasn't it and I was deathly afraid of it sticking and having health problems or having a later loss or something. I knew there was something wrong for almost a month.

I'm glad I am not alone. You are not alone. GL as you move forward.

MPLSdesigner · November 2012

kellekapowski:
THIS is how I feel. Relief that it's over. No judgement from me.

I knew from the get-go things weren't right. With my first DD, I had a strong positive HPT the day I missed my period. With this one, I had the exact same as you...a barely there, I'm not sure I'm seeing it right faint positive. It got progressively darker, but all the betas just weren't right.

I knew the entire time things were off. It was just a waiting game. I want this child, hell we've been trying since June. But I knew this wasn't it and I was deathly afraid of it sticking and having health problems or having a later loss or something. I knew there was something wrong for almost a month.

I'm glad I am not alone. You are not alone. GL as you move forward.

Wow. Thank you. This was really comforting to read and hear that there is at least one woman out there who is going through the same thing. Best wishes to you and thank you for sharing.

djtippietoes · November 2012

I feel like this too. A simliar thing happened to me. Went in at what should have been around 8 and half weeks and the baby was measuring 6 weeks, 6 days. It had a heartbeat of 138 though, which was considered normal. They told me that my dates were off and adjusted my due date, but I just knew that something wasn't right and spend the next week and a half worrying about it.

Then I started bleeding. Went to the doctor and was supposedly 8 and half weeks from the new due date (more like almost 10 from the original one) and there had been no growth and no there was no heartbeat.

I'm upset but I totally feel relieved too. Maybe we both somehow sort of knew? I don't know, but there is some relief in knowing that my extreme worry that something was wrong was validated. I had the D&C today.

simpson04 · November 2012

no juding here, i fwelt the same way. from the get go i felt something wasnt right. we went in at 6 weeks and was only 5 weeks. the dates were off from when we had sex ( i keep up with that) and so i just kept saying it will be ok. went in another time and the baby was still off but had a hb. started bleeding at would have been around 11 weeks and went in to find out the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I was sad and still am but i do feel i knew it was coming. i have a healthy 1yr old at home so she keeps me busy and not thinking about it all the time but i have had a few problems with the whole process of passing it at home. I have been back to the dr twice to have the dr's help me pass the rest and im still haveing bleeding and my cervix isnt closed sorry for the rant but your not alone and dont feel bad about feeling relieved. hugs to all of you!

bellybaby · November 2012

I feel terrible for having a sense of relief that my "all day sickness" was gone. I have had three MC in a row and every time I have suffered horrible pregnancy symptoms FOR NOTHING!! It feels good to be back to myself...................

Unknown · November 2012

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MPLSdesigner · November 2012

Thank you so much for these comments all.

Djtippietoes : I hope you are feeling OK after the DC.

djtippietoes · November 2012

McRib:
i don't judge you. i still am not able to admit to myself that in my gut i may have known something was off. i had two healthy pregnancies and at 11 weeks i just wasn't growing the way i had the other two times. i had symptoms though.

i too felt immense relief when i passed this baby. they had me waiting for a week to have a d and c which was torture. i was fully ready to move on. hugs. everyone is different with how they handle this.

Thank you.

djtippietoes · November 2012

Thank you.

And apparently I have no idea how to quote properly. The "thank you" was in regards to the posting about hoping I'm doing okay after the d&c. whoops!

katharine25 · November 2012

Totally get it.

This is how unfelt about my second pg. I knew from the start it wasn't going to work. No matter how hopeful everyone else was, it just didn't make any sense to me. I was relieved when I finally got the confirmation.