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Parenting
Open Letter Monday
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Open Letter Monday
Dear Parenting,
When I signed up on TB I had no idea it would become a past time for me. I had no idea I would be "bumping" actively and actually enjoy it. This board is awesome and destroys all other boards. It is like the one board that rules them all and in the darkness binds them.
RTV
Dear Wife,
You are awesome. I sympathize your pregnancy pains and appreciate everything you do. I am sorry your sister is such a POS and a stain on life. I am sorry she doesn't want to do Thanksgiving with us because we are hosting it at our friends house we are house sitting for- it makes sense because the house we are sitting has a giant dining room for like 20 people and 8 bedrooms and we live in a smaller 3 bedroom house and your sister says "it isn't at a house any of us live in so I won't be going" because she is a drama queen. I hate her as much as you do but I won't ever really tell you this. Also, I am glad you do not sign on TB because it would then be awkward if you read this. But if you did- at least you know your sister makes me sick to my stomach and I am sorry she treats you like crap.
Your Husband
Dear Baby Shower Comers,
Thanks for the cool shiit over the weekend. We appreciate it. We knew since we were having a girl that we would get a ton of cute girl clothes and you guys did not disappoint. There is some pretty awesome stuff in there. Oh, except for SIL. Your piss poor attitude about being there and telling your brother how you are "sick of being here" makes me want to drown your face in the toilet. Especially when I have to explain to all of our friends and family (aka, many of your friends and family too) why you are being an uppity hor and a general Skankmonster. At least my wife, aka your sister, only cried for about an hour and a half Sat night. That is a short time considering how much you make her cry other times. You suck but everyone else rules.
Dad of Baby Girl
Dear Chick Fil A,
Your spicy chicken biscuit was awesome this morning. And thank you for supplying free individual-sized Tabasco packets. It is truly genius. Carry on.
Satisfied Breakfast Eater
You are not a horrible person and I know I could have it a lot worse, BUT don't make me look like the assshole because you decide 2 weeks before Thanksgiving to try to set up a family gathering. We already have plans. That we told you about.
When I asked you in October if you wanted to get together for Thanksgiving and you said you probably weren't coming down, I was trying to, you know, make PLANS.
Now, you act like its awful we are, yet again, spending the holiday with my family even though I was totally willing to spend it with yours. It's not my fault you are a flighty nincompoop. Next time plan ahead.
Sincerely,
missymo
Dear Mother,
I understand that you are upset over our decision to move overseas. I think you are out of your mind demanding that we do not speak of our recent visit to Geneva with other family members on Thanksgiving and requesting that we change the subject if asked about it. Of course family members are going to be interested in hearing the details. I don't know how I can tactfully change the subject. Any normal person would be excited to give out the details and share photos. I think you are selfish for saying that we will ruin your Thankgiving by talking about it. Did I mention how happy I am that you started talking to us again?
apparently sh!tty daughter
Dear Self,
Stop feeling like an totalass hole. Yes, you brought your kid to daycare and you have the day off. You are doing it tomorrow and Wednesday too. You pay for day care and she needs to get used to it.
I am bored at work and bumping from my phone Since you are just staring at this anyways I think you should all write me an open letter. It will kill time for both of us and then you might not feel as spooky as I did the 2 years I lurked here.
Love and kisses
Hesterlicious.
You rock. You found me a happy looking Thomas train and dropped it off at my office. I cannot wait to get rid of our depressed Thomas and not have my two year old cry over sad Thomas again.
Love, a now loyal customer
Dear dog,
I know you miss DH. But the pee strikes when he goes out of town are a bit much. You will pee for me when he works long hours, why do you refuse when he is away? I did not enjoy you taking twenty minutes to pee this am, or refusing last night. If you get a uti, I will be irked. And you will feel sick. It won't be a good time.
Signed, a loving but annoyed owner
Dear Hesterlicious,
I am not a lurker but find it unfair that you provide Love and Kisses to lurkers but not to me. I want loves and kisses- esp since you just consumed bacon. Bacon kisses are the best. Thank you.
Emotionally Deprived,
RTV
Dear team coordinator,
I'm annoyed that you're clearly assigning technical jobs to men and non-technical jobs to women. I've ignored it because its not overt, and I don't know if the people affected mind or prefer it that way.
But this this morning when you said our male intern would be trained in the technical stuff "because it would boost his resume" while our female intern does menial data entry really pissed me off. There's nothing about their background, credentials, or goals that would make it more appropriate for him to learn these skills.
This will affect their resume and probably employment prospects, so there is no excuse. I know it went over your head when I subtly suggested they be given equal opportunities, but I will continue to bring it up until things are more fair around here, dammit!
Signed,
A hairy legged feminist
Hey, RTV, I just found this one:
Dear Dh's grandma,
For the 87th time, NO DD cannot ride forward facing in the car and NO she does not watch sesame street/disney movies etc. She is 10 months, not 10 years old. OH, and thank you for the suggestion that she'll eat more veggies if I add salt. I'll put that in my circular file.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the Crazy more tolerable,
Me
Dear Neighbor: I know you are off hunting with DH for 2 weeks, but please don't call me to check on your wife when she won't pick up the phone. It's only been 5 minutes since you tried calling her. Maybe she's vacuuming, or scrubbing the toilet, or running after your son, and isn't available. It's only been 5 minutes for cripes sake! Yes, I know we live right near the border of Detroit, but I truly don't think there's an intruder holding her hostage, and if you think there is, why is it a good idea to send me and my child over there to check on things?
-Your friend & neighbor
P.S. She was vacuuming.
Dear Wife,
They were bacon kisses. Come on. I'll pass them a long don't worry. Bacon for all.
Your awesome husband who shares bacon with all.
Lulz
Dear RTV I will give you bacon flavored internet smooches on 2 conditions.
1. Your awesome wife is cool with it.
2. You brag it up to the lurkers so they know it is totally worth it to send me letters.
Do we have a deal bro?
A stop sign means stop. Not fly through, while on the phone, dam near into my car.
Signed,
Lady in the Saturn who you almost killed.
1. My wife and I are not the jealous types. Plus, she does venture on these boards as a lurker every few weeks so technically you already smooched her. I just want equal opportunity.
2. Of course.
Plus, it is in the name of BACON.
Dear acquaintance of mine-
I only keep you on my fb page in order to use your idiocy against you. Keep bragging about how you drink every weekend, post half naked pics of yourself, and how much more important your boyfriend is over spending time with your four kids. You're dumb, and your children deserve better. You know anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.
Sincerely,
Someone who cares more for your kids than you
Dear Bacon fans,
There is a hog farm not far from me. Free bacon for all!!!! Also, there is a baconfest coming in a few months that I may buy tickets to.
Sincerely,
Your loving Iowan aka land of corn and bacon
Dear Hesterlicious,
Thank you for including us creepy lurkers, it gives us warm fuzzies to be included. Wish I were more creative with fun and interesting things to entertain you on your boring work day.
Sincerely,
Tysmomplusone (wish I thought of something better when I created this account)
Dear Cold,
i realize that DD constantly having her hands in her mouth and licking the toy trains at Chapter's you would be paying us a visit, but it still sucks and I hope you don't hang around for long.
Dear Dunkin Donuts drive through lady,
Tomorrow morning when I pull up for coffee and decide donuts are a good idea, tell me that you are out of donuts and that you will never have again and that I should brew my own coffee at home. Thanks,
-pudgy and broke
Love and bacon kisses
Hesterlicious.
I suppose I can handle being confused with Tuna all though I'd imagine I'd smell better.
Dear DH,
I know you have a little head cold and it's the end of the world as we know it but so help me god if you snore like an old beat-up tractor and keep me awake all night again tonight you will not wake up because I will have smothered you with your own pillow!
Your loving wife
PS. You're lucky I didn't punch you this morning when you asked me to get DD ready for the day because you're soooo tired and your throat hurts from snoring all night!
Thanks for the bacon kisses. I am glad I am not the only creepy, long term lurker.
Signed, Rondack
Dear clients,
If I tell you I am fixing the issue now and that it will be ready by noon, don't call or email me every two minutes to say it still isn't working. I know it isn't. It will be by noon. I told you I would let you know when it was fixed. You all have PhDs, so I know you can read. Please read my emails. It will save us all time.
Signed, trying not to lose my temper
Dear Abigail,
I am pretty sure I conceived you with your father not a spider moneky. Please stop climbing things. You have had 3 breakfasts so far this a.m. Climbing into your highchair and screaming like your dying is not a polite way to demand more food.
Love mom.
P.S. Where have you managed to pack away 2 pieces of french tasot, a scrambled egg, a yogurt and a bowl of spinach?
Dear Lurkers,
I can vouch for the bacon kisses. They are epic.
Bacon lover
Dear ILs,
I'm trying to not let it bother me that you are trying to ruin my Thanksgiving by making excuses why we can't have turkey and all the fixins in Fl.
I'm over it and I'll get my Thanksgiving meal in December when we have friendsgiving.
So there.
Love, WoM
Dear Mr. Hesterlicious,
Let your wife come to cowtown for a gtg with the rest of us nutty TB moms from AB. There is bacon in it for you, since we can't tempt you with hockey.
Sincerely,
GT
This will be TLDR.
Dear DH,
You are driving me nuts with your laziness. We still don't have Thanksgiving plans because my parents cancelled their trip to see us due to my mom's health issues and you are too lazy to drive to see them. The only family we have in this state is your half-sister - and everytime we see them you complain for several weeks after we go cause of all of the unresolved issues you have with her and the fact that they don't care if they smoke around DD. But, you had the nerve to try to make it out last night that I was the one who didn't want to go over to their house for Thanksgiving.
Every weekend I am lucky if I can drag you out of bed by noon. I never get to sleep in, ever. I get up for work every day of the week and I can barely get you out of bed so I can get out of the door by 8:00 a.m. to get to work.
You have to be in control of laundry and I am not allowed to touch it - but you don't get it done. I must have at least 20 pairs or more of underwear and I still have to ask you about getting the laundry done because I run out. Ever hear of doing the laundry at least once a week or maybe even once every two weeks?
You can no longer have our debit card - and I am sure you will continue to question why - why? Because you are withdrawing about $800 a month from our checking account - for no earthly reason I can see because we buy everything with Visa or American Express and not cash. I warned you about this over the summer - but it is still going on - so I have no choice.
At some point in time it is time to grow up - you are turning 48 in a few months.
Sincerely,
Pregnant Wife Who Is Sick Of It
DD#1 born 9/29/2010; DD#2 born 2/25/2013
Dear Kids,
Stop getting sick and puking. Stop sharing crap with each other and getting each other sick again. Stop puking on crap that's hard to wash. Oh, did I mention, stop getting sick?
Signed,
Your newly unwell mom.
Dear S,
Leave your clothes on. If you must be a nudist, stop ripping off your diaper and peeing on the GD floor. I found all the diapers you hid around the house. The potty is not evil.
Signed,
Your mom, tearing her hair out
We could call it a baby moon. I wish I could use getting my new to me car as an excuse but my window rolls itself open and I think my dad is secretly dying to come see Ike. he likes driving way to much.
Dear Daddy
You should insist on me coming to get my car so I can get out of this crap town for a weekend. You will get Ike overnight. How is that not a win.
Dear Gimmietimmies
Your screen name is really making me fight the urge to pack up both kids and go get an Iced capp this a.m.
Dear Hester:
I am a dirty, dirty lurker. I often stay silent because I am awed by you bishes and your amazingness.
I enjoy funny pictures of cats, good books, baking various breads, and just getting out of the damnn house. I'm also sure I would enjoy bacon kisses, though I've never had any. Sad face.
Dh and I bought some cute little button quail yesterday. Google them shiits. They are pretty much the freaking cutest.
xoxo back atcha, Althea
is this a thing? Can I come?? ??
It is never cheaper to fuel a huge diesel truck for a 6 hour drive. Plus most of my shoping is done after one more wishbook order and one more WalMart trip. We have to take DS time the zoo some day though right? Or maybe I could ask for a birthday trip in January.
Dear Grandmother,
Yes I understand I was venting about how my dog has misbehaving lately. However ?beating? her as you suggested is not an option and frankly I am appalled you suggested it. So stop acting so shocked when I gave you the WTF face when you suggested it!
Love,
Your Granddaughter.
Yay! My favorite episode ever!
Dear kids,
Thanks for waiting until deer hunting opening weekend to get ear infections. It was a really fun time by myself.
Love,
Sleep deprived mama