- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
October 2011 Moms
Grandparents smoking (looooong)
First of all, let me just say that I am NOT writing this to criticize any of you that smoke or have family that smoke around your children. I am writing this for much needed advice/support whatever on an issue that is very real for my family. Just to forewarn, I do not agree with smoking around children and I am really upset at my mother for not smoking around Abby, but for smoking while we are with them. If you don't agree with my viewpoint or are too sensitive to read my comments, then stop reading.
Long story short, my whole family (grandparents, aunt, parents) all smoked in the house and all the time when I was growing up. I also believe my mom smoked while she was pregnant with me. I do not have any lingering side affects of this exposure to second-hand smoke, besides the fact that smoking disgusts me and I have never taken a puff in my life. My dad quit smoking cold-turkey when I was a junior in high school, due to a severe medical emergency (quadruple heart bypass). My mom has slowed down, but still probably smokes at least 1/2 pack a day, if not closer to 3/4.
My husband is super sensitive to this issue, especially given Abby's health issues anyways and her small airways. Don't get me wrong, I am sensitive to it, too, but with my health history being fine considering I was around it all the time, I am not as sensitive about. I feel really guilty about this, because I definitely want what is best for Abby's health and sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't believe that.
My mom does not smoke around Abby. She smokes before she comes over to our house. She smokes outside while we're out her house. She smokes on the way to restaurants when we go out to dinner. Point is, is that smoke is always on her clothes and it smells awful, even though she tries to cover it up with perfume.
This has gotten to the point where my husband is concerened about my parents (who live 5 mintues away) watching her as my mom goes out to smoke about every 1-2 hours, so she always smells of smoke. I hate confrontation, so I've brought it up to my dad and a few times to my mom, but always get in a argument and I just let it go (but never say that I agree that she can smoke). Well, last night my husband wrote an e-mail to my parents bringing it up himself, which I never let him do before because he is very blunt and my parents would take it as judging in a very bad way. In his e-mail, he basically outlined what he thinks is best for Abby's healthy -- and that's pretty much my mom never smoking when they plan to be with us or when we are with them (e.g., coming over to our, on the way out to eat, while they are out our house, while we are at their house, etc.).
I am absolutely distraught about all of this, mostly because I hate having conflict with my parents and they already have issues with DH's personality. I feel like sometimes I have to choose sides, and I side with my husband on this issue, because my mom not smoking is what is definitely what is best for Abby and our unborn child. I do not want to become distant with my parents, but I have a really bad feeling that this issue will cause us to drift apart.
Any thoughts, honest comments, advice is all appreciated.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Grandparents smoking (looooong)
I am in agreement with this. Basically, it comes down to the health of your daughter, and to me, Id rather make an adult 'uncomfortable' than put my childs health at risk so someone can feed an addiction.
Let me start off by saying that I am on your husband's side in that I don't think your parents should smoke when they are with you and your child. DH's brother smokes and I do not let him hold DS if he smells of smoke. He washes his hands and changes his clothes. I would have the same rules for my parents if they smoked.
However, I don't think it was appropriate for your husband to send an e-mail to your parents without first asking you. I do think he is attempting to protect your children though and it is hard for me to get mad about that.
I don't know I am not giving any good advice. I hate smoking so much it is hard for me to see both sides of this issue.
I think it is a really tough situation. Your DD has a medical condition that could be affected by cigarette smoke, so I don't think it is totally unreasonable for your DH (and you) to ask your parents not to smoke around, or in the vicinity of your DD. My parents smoke and I don't think they realize how much they smell even if they smoke outside.
I am very non confrontational, so I would probably present them with information about second hand smoke, specifically related to smoke on clothes and hair and tell them that Abby's doctor says that her condition can be exasperated by smoke.
However, I do think that in their house, they can do as they please and you telling them how to behave in their own house may not go very well. At your house you can have whatever rules you want.
I think it is a sensitive subject and it needs to be approached delicately. Your DH may have opened the doors for the conversation to happen. Maybe approach it out of love and say you love them and want them to be around for Abby, but to be able to do that they will need to change their behavior. Maybe suggest your mom talking to her doctor about some medical help to quit smoking.
I always calculate cost saving for my parents, but that approach has not worked for me yet. Good luck.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-is-third-hand-smoke
So I found this article on "third hand" smoke.
I don't think that your H is being totally unreasonable and I am in agreement with what the previous posters have said. I don't think it's THAT big of a sacrifice for your mom to abstain from smoking for a few hours while she's around Abby. However, there will probably still be residue on her clothes and you'll probably just have to deal with that. If her house and car are smokey then she's still going to be a little smokey even if she hasn't smoked. You know?
DH used to smoke before we met and totally quit before we got married. Quitting was hard for him. Really, really hard but he did it. He loved smoking and will probably, in the future, smoke occasional cigars or a pipe. He will never do this around our daughter. never.
It shouldn't be THAT big of a deal for your mom to give up smoking for a few hours at time because it is in the best interest of her granddaughter. If I were you, I would be on the same page as your H and back him entirely, maybe then she'll know you're serious. If she loves her granddaughter and wants to spend time with her, and I am sure she does, she will stop smoking when she's with you all. It may be awkward and uncomfortable for awhile but the tension will eventually fade I'm sure.
I am sorry you are feeling so distraught but your husband was right to take the initiative and address this with your mom. I understand that you don't want all the confrontation and distance, expecially with Abby still being so young and another LO on the way. But, Abby and your family come first. It is in everyone's best interest for her not to be around it, Period.
Also, I am currently fighting the same battle with my mom and step-father. They live 2 hours away so we don't see them all the time. I b!tch about it every.single.time. and nothing has changed. I'm about to take drastic measures myself.
ETA: I am a former smoker myself and there were plenty of times that I gave up smoking to be around babies, grandparents, sick friends, etc. It can be done. It might be hard as hell but it can be done.
Since I am a smoker (::hanging head in shame::) I will weigh in on this. IMO I think the whole smoking odor and particulates on clothes has been way over blown. In general, I agree that it can be an allergen along with a lot of other things such as any smoke, pet dander, dust, etc. Yes, there are harmful substances in cigarette smoke as there are in the air we breathe, smoke from other suources, our drinking water, and many other substances.
However, having said that, I fully understand where you are coming from especially in regard to Abby's health. You have every right to protect her and her health. On the other hand, your Mom isn't smoking too much if she goes out to smoke every 1-2 hours and you can not control her smoking. It is highly unlikely that your Mom will just not smoke when she is going to be seeing Abby...it just doesn't work that way. It is an easy option for non-smokers but for smokers it isn't easy at all. A couple hours may be fine but anything past that just won't work.
Having said all of that, I think you need to decide what is doable and stick to that. You could ask your Mom to change her top and wash her hands after smoking, or wear a jacket that she can leave far away from Abby when she is done smoking. You can also ask her to stay outside for another 5-10 minutes to "air out" after smoking. You could also ask your Mom to not smoke while you are there and limit your visits to 1-2 hours which seems to be her limit for smoking. I am sure there are other options but since I am not familiar with the visits and family dynamics then you would be best to decide those options.
It sounds to me as if you really do want your Mom to not smoke but you can't bring yourself to tell her on your own. That really only left the option of your husband telling her which he did. I can understand trying to avoid conflict with parents but when it comes to the kids unfortunately you may have to address issues with your family which are very uncomfortable.
Again, I really think that maybe you should sit down and weigh what would work for you and for Abby's health. Then decide what the worst is that could happen if you enforced those rules and decide if that would be OK for you. Your husband needs to be on board with you too. Since it is your parents then you really need to be the one to take this on and not leave it to your husband to handle as it will only create more conflict between him and your parents (as you have stated).
I am not judging you in any way and I fully support you doing whatever you need to do to protect sweet Abby. I am hoping my comments will be helpful to you and they make sense (I haven't finished my first cup of coffee yet). I hate conflict too and it is something I have been working on in my personal life. It is so hard to stand up sometimes especially with loved ones. I wish you the best and please keep us updated on this situation.
Sticky situation.
You have to side with your husband.
If it helps, use your doctor as an excuse. Tell her that your doctor insists because of her special condition and new research about 3rd hand smoke.
https://www.mayoclinic.com/health/third-hand-smoke/AN01985
I was in your husbands situation. My MIL is a heavy smoker. When we got married, she had always said, when you get pregnant, I will quit. Well, that never happened. Because it didn't happen, I said to DH, you need to tell your mother that she can not smoke around me (she would smoke around her friend's pregnant children and their young grandchildren) or Li when she is born. Of course, DH never said something. So, I said to him, you say something, if you don't after the next time we see them, I will. So I did. She didn't smoke around me while I was pregnant, but she would smoke in the car on her way to see Li. Once I started draping blankets over her before she would hold Li, she knew I meant business and didn't smoke until after the visit.
Your husband, it seems, has given you many chances to speak to your mother and you really haven't let her know that you mean what you are saying, so I think what he did is appropriate given the situation. He is concerned for the health of his daughter and unborn child. Honestly, your mother is an adult, if she is sensitive and gets mad because you care for the health of your children, and her health, above her feelings, who gives a rats ass.
Kujay, you know I love you, but based on your post it seems like you care more about your mother's feelings than your husbands. I honestly don't agree with that. He, Abby, and your unborn child need to come first here and it doesn't seem like they do.
I actually do not agree with the last line about calling yoru mom to tell her you are not involved. That is really going to pit your husband and your mom against each other. It seems that you realize that the smoking is bad and while I may not agree with your husband going behind your back I think you need to stand by him and the e-mail.
Wow, This is a tough one. I can empathize with the smoking situation. My mother smokes and WREAKS of smoke constantly. The smell of smoke preceedes her into any room. I have not been to my mother's house in over 4 years. Brooke will never step foot in it.
When she watches Brooke, she washes her hands after smoking and that's about all I can ask her to do. As far as I know, she does not leave Brooke alone so she can smoke when she babysits. I have asked her not to. Unless Brooke has gone to sleep.
I understand how you feel like you are in the middle. And I know you don't want any conflict, but the cat is out of the bag now and you obvioulsy can't undo what has been done.
Perhaps this is an opportunity to discuss this with your parents again. But.. I would take the side of your husband here, like you have mentioned doing. Only because he is doing what he believes is best for Abby and you need to support him in that. His requests may be a bit extreme, so maybe there is room for compromise.
It sucks to be in the middle and I hope that it doesn't distance you from them. But honestly, your parents should at least UNDERSTAND where you are coming from, even if they don't agree.
I promise you, for non smokers, it is not. Appreciate the fact that you smoke and your sense of smell is much duller than the sense of smell of most non smokers, especially to the noxious odor of old cigarette smoke clinging to clothing and hair. If you ever decide to quit, come back and remember what you said here, and I can predict with near certainty that you will be appalled that at one point you claimed it was not that bad.
I feel for your h here. He must have really been at the end of his rope with this issue to take the bull by the horns like he did. I'm not blaming you directly for skirting the confrontation issue, but this is what happens when people reach their breaking points, especially when their kids are concerned.
The cards have been dealt and if it were me, I'd just wait to see how the hand plays out. But if I had one most important piece of advice to give here, it would be to present as a united front to your mom concerning this issue. Even if you don't 100 percent agree with how it was brought to a head, you seem to agree with the principle, so any argument between you and your h concerning his method should be done behind closed doors. These are the kinds of issues that can cause deep fissures of trust and loyalty...choosing sides, marriage vs family... in a marriage, with prolonged and far reaching repercussions.
BFP 1/18/11, EDD 10/1/11. Born at 37w5d on 9/15/11.
***BFP Chart***
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
Very well said. And I agree with your assessment of smoker vs non-smoker sense of smell. If my mother had any idea how horrible she actually smells, I'm sure she would be appalled.
I really appreciate everybody's comments. And smit, thank you for speaking up, too. Unfortunately, I have had this talk with my mom and also my dad (so he can go reiterate it with her personally) 6-7 times, including before Abby was born. We have asked her to wear a jacket or another layer of clothes and leave those out in the garage, we have asked her to wash her hands -- whenever we mention it, she does it for 1-2 weeks, and then goes back to her old ways. MH was as his wits ends and he did mention in the e-mail that he and I agree on this issue. Obviously the times that aI have talked with my mom hasn't really sunk in how serious it is, so that is why MH finally spoke up. Much like your situation, Liz. I 100% side with MH and family on this issue and will no longer compromise the health of my children. I know I turned out "fine" but that's not always the case and I'm especially not going to risk it with Abby's health issues.
Again, I really appreciated everybody's comments and suggestions. Many of you have help me be more comfortable with my decision to confront my mom about this, even if that means we're "at odds" for a little while. The health of my family is more important.
Actually, I said this based on the fact that other non-smokers have no idea that I smoke unless they see me smoking and they are shocked when they find out I am a smoker. I am not speaking about my own impressions of what I smell like but what others have said to me on numerous occasions.
I don't want to deter attention away from KU's post and the first paragraph I wrote is irrelevant to the situation and I shouldn't have even included it. I do want to reiterate though that telling her to not smoke at all when Abby is going to be around, especially if we are talking over 1-2 hours, just isn't going to work so please do find a solution that will work.
I hope everything will be fine in the end and that you can find a peaceful resolution.
I was a smoker for over 10 years and I would NEVER go outside to smoke while hanging out with someone's child without the parent's explicit permission. I have gone several hours without smoking on innumerable occasions. I hate when smokers use the addiction to excuse a total disregard for manners and common sense.
kujay, I think you've been given some great advice. I have a really hard time finding anything wrong with YH's behavior. It sounds like he has been very patient with your family, and they don't have much respect for his or your feelings.
I agree that I cannot just ask her not to smoke. My dad was able to quit cold turkey, but his life was literally in limbo. My mom has tried hard to at least cut down on the amount, which she has done compared to what she smoked 5 or so years ago. On a positive note, last weekend when we left our house and followed them to go to dinner, she didn't smoke at all (I always know because I see smoke coming from her window and then she flicks it out the window when she's done). I had commented on that, just to her, at dinner when we were waiting. She seemed to appreciate that I noticed. I don't expect her to quit, I'm realistic in knowning that she's probably not going to quit altogether. I just expect her to be more cognizant of why it's important for our kids' health and do something to make it better. I agree that we will need to figure out something that is mutually agreed upon and not just me telling her to quit or she's never going to see Abby.
These are my feelings, exactly.
My only suggestion that hasn't been said already is to buy her an e-cig kit for Christmas and ask that she use it before and during her visits with the kids.
First, this is a tough situation and I'm sorry you're stuck in it. A lot of advice, commiserating, etc. has already been given, so I'm going to focus on what you said here. To me, this says that it's not that it hasn't sunk in how serious this is (but giving her some information on second and third hand smoke could help reinforce it). If that were the case, she wouldn't make the effort for those couple of weeks. It seems to me that her habits of many, many years take more than a couple of weeks to break. And that's understandable and to be expected. I think you might do better with going back to these requests (rather than asking her not to smoke the whole time you're together, which can be very difficult/impossible for an addict) and just remind her every week or two so that it begins to get ingrained. When she "goes back to her old ways" she can't touch Abby, be near you or Abby, etc. It'll take time, but if you don't let it slide and keep reminding her (hopefully without her feeling like she's being "nagged") then it should become second nature to take these precautions.
BFP #1: July 12, 2010 Natural M/C: July 26, 2010
BFP #2: January 30 ,2011 Born: September 29, 2011
BFP #3: January 5, 2013 Born: August 25, 2013
It isn't that it is unacceptable but it is not realistic; at least not for periods of time over say 2 hours. She can not make her Mom quit smoking. She either has to accept that her Mom is a smoker and work around what is acceptable and realistic or break off all ties and contact with her. If she tells her Mom that she absolutely can not smoke when she is around Abby and they are with the Grandma all day well then the Grandma is just going to go sneak one when KU isn't looking. It just doesn't solve the problem. It would be best to be realistic about the situation rather than idealistic.
MIL is a pack a day smoker at least and she no longer smokes when we are around, which could be anywhere between 2-24 hours. It can be done (and I was a smoker for 10 years), you have to let her know you mean what you say. You can't just make idle threats. What if her mother was flying from NY to LA (hypothetically)? Would she go into the airplane bathroom and light up, then get arrested?
I don't know if this has been mentioned already, but if you've already spoken to her and she goes back to her "old ways" after 1-2 weeks, perhaps it's time to be a bit more drastic in your request and ask that your mom not see Abby... at all, if she is going to continue to not abide by your wishes?
I know that's opening a huge can of worms for a fight, but if the issue is that you DO ASK and YOU HAVE TALKED and nothing changes, you may have to make the change for her.
If I am flying then I will leave the terminal, go outside to smoke, then go back through security.
I agree with Lisajay that only KU can decide what will work for her given the circumstances. I don't think that anyone on here has posted an opinion that is wrong. At the end of the day KU can not make her mother stop smoking. She can only work with what is "workable" for her and for Abby's best interest and health. She can maybe try to convince Grandma to cooperate more like not smoking for the couple of hours they are over there, washing her hands, etc.
What do you do once you are ON the plane?
All I'm saying is, there are situations where you CAN NOT smoke. If you want to do something badly enough, you adjust to it. Telling someone they cannot see your child if they are smoking might just be the kick in the ass they need to quit.
If it saves her daughter's life? Hell yes. We're talking about a child with special health needs that are directly affected by smoke exposure. I'm honestly shocked that this has gone on as long as it has. MIL needs a serious Come to Jesus. And if she chooses smoking over that precious baby...well, I don't want to say awful things about kujay's mom.
I am seriously side eying the "but quitting is haaaaaard" argument. Woman up.
Let's say your mother is driving around your child without a carseat (hypothetical). Would you not give her an ultimatum that she must use a car seat and if she couldn't do that then she can not take your child anywhere. What's going to happen when she starts saying, 'well, when you were born, we didn't use car seats'? Would you let your baby ride in the car to spare feelings? I'm thinking you would give an ultimatum if this were the scenario.
Yes, when it is my child and I feel strongly about something that regards her health, safety, and well being, I will give an ultimatum no matter who it is. I would hope that the person would respect me and my decisions as a parent where it wouldn't have to get to that point. I would also hope that if it DID get to that point, the person in question would care enough about my child to understand why I was doing and saying what I was saying and change their actions where the child is concerned.
As I said in a previous post, I was in this situation with MIL. We made it clear that she would not be around Li if she had been smoking. Does she still smoke, yes, does she do it when we are there, in our home, etc, absolutely not, because she knows that we would leave.
Well said Lisajay; especially the last sentence! ::clapping::
First off, I am very sorry about your father.
Why should all of the sacrifices be KUs? No one is telling her to tell her mother to quit smoking forever, just when she is with the child and right before. If your parent would ruin your relationship because you want your child in the healthiest environment for them possible, well, there are bigger problems.
I'm not sure what the first stuff even means. I'm not insinuating any of that? I get that this is an emotional issue for you. It is for me too. It has been a huge issue in my marriage.
The second part is where you and I part ways. I would absolutely not expose my kids to smoke repeatedly. Every now and then, sure. Just like in the situation you described. But no way in hell on a regular basis. Not even for a grandparent. It is a complete deal breaker for me.
I'm sorry, are you asking if I would choose my relationship with my mother over my child's health? He!!***ng NO!
Clearly, kujay doesn't have the maturity of lisajay.
Lisa, like you said before, my situation is obvioulsy not cut and dry. Abby's health issue, I feel, complicate this issue. Every time Abby has gotten a cold (stuffy nose) we've ended up in the hospital, because she's can't breath and also has a hard time eating. A minor cold grossly affects her health. The regular exposure to the smoke can definitely irriate her nose and make her stuff -- I know it does for MH. To me, there is no question in this case, that my mom's continuing to smoke while we're with her is a deal breaker. I canNOT take the risk of Abby not being able to breathe and eat. My relationship with my mom is not worth the life of my child.
LOL! I don't think I want that kind of "wisdom" that comes along with maturity....
I agree that you have been sympathetic for the most part. That is why I tried to explain in a post I just made about how I agree with you that my situation is not cut and dry and why I feel like I have to make the decision of asking my mom not to smoke while we are with her or in close time proximity to when we are going to see her.
But please feel free to jump down my throat?
Lisajay, I think this post is hitting a bit of a raw nerve with you. Which is understandable. I just want you to know that you don't have to feel defensive about it or justify yourself to us. We support you.
While my father didn't die, if you remember correctly from my OP, my dad was on his death bed before quiting smoking cold turkey. My grandmother died from lung cancer 7 years ago. My grandfather's, mother's, father's, and aunt's lungs are probably all diseased, too. I cannot imagine what you have experienced with your father's passing, I know that it was/is very difficult, but I am sure I cannot fully grasp it all and I'm not going to pretend that I do know.