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Adoption
Adopting outside of our ethnicity
I don't know how to say this without it sounding bad or offensive... so please, please don't take it this way!
When DH and I started looking into fostering, we assumed based on other's experiences and where we live that we'd probably end up with some african american children in our home. In fact, I was rather surprised to find out our first placement wasn't. It just is what we've both imagined as who we would hopefully adopt. So the other day, when I was looking on the waiting children website, and I found 3 little boys listed as black, it didn't even phase me. Instead, I got really excited and may have sent just a few emails to the organization saying we were really interested in them.
But then when I talked to my parents, my dad was very hesitant. He's afraid for the future and feels that racism is definitely coming back. Not as bad as it was before, but definite divides between the different races. And he is worried how we would handle it, and how the boys would be treated/respond to things in the future.
I don't want to sound like I've got my head stuck in the sand, but is this just because he grew up during the earlier times, or if he's not overreacting, how can I prepare for these sorts of things. I do realize there would be an impact on our children, but it was almost like he was trying to say we should only adopt Caucasian children.
I don't know... perhaps it's too late in the night to be thinking on deep things. I'm not sure I've explained this as well as I was hoping...
Foster parents turned adoptive parents 
Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
Bloggy blog
Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
Bloggy blog
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Adopting outside of our ethnicity
You haven't had any training/discussions on this through the fostering process?
IMO, there will always be some racism, whether it's overt or not. As the pp noted, it will depend a lot on how you handle it, what your area is like, what your family is like, and the support system you have.
FWIW, DH comes from an area where there is a lot of bias against anyone who's not a WASP. I have heard things come out of family members' mouths that have made my blood boil. Yet 2 of his cousins have AA or CA kids, and the family (for the most part) has been supportive. I'm not sure of the details on how much exposure they have to other AA/CA kids, however.
Quite honestly, when we decided to adopt from China we didn't really think about becoming an interracial family too much and luckily our family was not phased at all with the announcement. However, we were lucky in that my husband's cousins adopted their son from Ethiopia, so that opened the door and conversation in our family about interracial families.Our first adoption class talked about adopting outside your race and what challenges you might face, maybe your agency can give you some resources? I know that there are books about it, if I think of the names I'll let you know.
In the end I think if you and your husband feel called to adopt African American children, then go for it! There are always going to be people who judge, but I think that, at least in our area, interracial families are not that uncommon.
After 2 years of IF workups/treatments and 2 IUIs, we have closed the door on fertility treatments.
We are very excited to be pursuing international adoption from China!
6000 miles and a day
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
I completely agree with all other PP's. I think this decision is very personal with many factors to consider.
I did want to share my 2 cents since we have been living as an interracial family for the past 5 months. Before the boys (both AA) were placed with us, our preference was for children who were not white. We were both excited about including another culture into our family. And felt a tug towards AA without being able to explain why.
The boys are awesome and we do not have any issues with the difference in race while inside our home. Initially, we had to learn how to properly care for their hair and skin. It is very different from our hair/skin, which was surprising to me especially for the skin. I thought it was just a different color, but they do have other issues that at least DH or I have not had previously. But really this was no big deal. You buy a few products, ask some people, find a good barber shop and you are set.
The reaction outside of our home has shocked me. We live in a pretty diverse area, which I thought would be accepting of interracial families. But we constantly get stares and questions "Are they yours?", which is awkward because since they are in foster care they aren't really ours- but that's a whole other discussion. The boys get a lot of questions "Is that your real momy?" to which they have answered "No, that's my fake mommy."- again due to foster care situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that many times I feel like we are living in a fish bowl due to the stares/questions we get in public. Now part of this could just be that the boys are adorable- regardless of their race- and people just want to take in that adorableness. But I do think part of it is because of our mix of skin color and people are curious and are trying to figure out our relationship to one another. I also want to add that this is dramatically amplified when we hang out with our (white) friends and their three (black) children. Then the stupid really comes out- "Are all of those kids with you?" I almost responded "No, we just seem to attract them along the way"
People will be stupid regardless of the color of your child's skin. But just don't be completely naive like me to think that because I think a interracial family is so beautiful that other people will share your sentiment and accept you as that. Be prepared to deal with stares and incredibly rude comments. And possibly even unsolicited random tips on haircare, even when you have it figured out.
My advice in life is always follow your gut. If you think it is what is best for your core family then that is what is best. I stopped listening to the outsiders because people will always have a nosy opinion. I do not think kids these days see race like older generations.
We get strange looks because our boys are 6 months apart and one is bi-racial. Honestly, I answer the "how old are they question" and then just wait for people to do the math. We seem to deal more with that than the race of the children. We also get the "Oh, 2 of them" I literally say "Yeah, we are collecting them" It usually stops people from asking more. I am a really sarcastic person though but if you do it with a smile and a laugh it catches them to just laugh and stop asking so many questions.
Adopting outside of your ethnicity/race is definitely something to consider carefully. There are some books out there with some insider perspectives that you could read to start educating yourself on the possible issues. When we decided to adopt, intitally I was only comfortable with Causcian babies, but as time went on and I educated myself more an more, I opened up to biracial (any combo with causcasian). A lot of my decision had to do with our own family make-up. My DH's family has several biracial kids in it, AA, Latino, and Chinese. So, I was happy to know that our future child would have others to relate to within his own family. We also live in a very diverse neighborhood, so he could be exposed to multiple cultures.
Anyway, all that being said, we have our son, who is half caucasian and half AA. He doesn't really look all that biracial, he looks caucasian with maybe a tiny bit of something else, like latino in him. I almost wish he looked more AA because I actually think him looking so white will be very confusing for him as he grows up. So, I'm actually at a bit of a loss as to how to tell him about his racial background. For now, he sees pictures of his birthparents everyday.
Good luck with your decision. I think you're main issue is thinking about how you will deal with racism when you probably haven't experienced it much first hand. As for your Dad's opinion, I think it'll really depend on where you live whether that is a valid opinion or not.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
Our child's birth parents are AA, and it has never been an issue to us (our child is not born yet, so we haven't faced any reality yet). This was never an issue with DH and I when we were talking about adoption. We plan to teach our child about their race and about ours.
Where we live racism is still alive, but it isn't as bad as some smaller towns surrounding us. We plan to educate our child, but it never once influenced our decision.
Ladies, thank you so much! I appreciate all the responses and really read what each of you had to say about the matter. As far as our fostering classes, I don't specifically remember them talking about race, but it was also more than a year ago that we completed them, so I've probably forgotten quite a bit.
My family and DH's family have come from very different backgrounds. My family has always lived in a city where there are few AA. I think we had maybe a dozen total in my graduating class of 215. Whereas DH grew up as the white kid on the block. He is from the ghetto of Pontiac and had a much different upbringing than me. I feel like he is less clueless about race than I am.
I remember reading someones blog a long time ago and she talked about how as white people, we will never understand how a black man feels when he is pulled over by a cop, or what he might experience that we wouldn't because of our race. And they stressed the importance of having people in the children's lives who would be able to relate. While we don't have an abundance of AA friends, I think it is something I would seek out if we were given the privilege of adopting these boys.
Thanks again for all the support and information! I feel blessed to be part of this board (even if I don't post nearly as often as I should...).
Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
Bloggy blog
We had initially said that we were not open to adopting outside our race. We live in a fairly racist city, and I was honestly worried whether I was prepared to help a child of color walk through this world coming from my own experience of white privilege. When the profile came out for our son's birth parents (one of whom is Native American), our social worked sent it to us anyway because there were so many other ways that our family aligned with what they were looking for. I was also in my 4th year working at a Native family services agency and had a lot of knowledge of Tribal cultural issues, and had made a lot of friends that were Tribal members. It turned out to be an amazing match and I'm glad we were open to it.
I was only willing to consider it in the context of a very open adoption. We know extended family members on his Native side and they are very open to being involved as he grows up. We also have an interesting position of raising a Native American boy with the blondest hair and blue eyes - he is from pacific NW costal tribes, who do not typically share the same phenotypical characteristics with plains Indians (or, what many people think of when they think of a Native American), so we do not stand out as a transracial family, nor will we have to address racism and white privilege in the same way with his as he grows up.
If you think you might want to consider it, do lots of research. Read blogs, books or articles from transracially-adopted adults. Learn about white privilege. Learn about racism and the formation of cultural identity. One book that I loved was, "Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?" Take a critical and honest look at your day to day life, your extended family, and your social circles, and then ask if you would be interested in or willing to make changes. For example, one of the factors for us in initially deciding against transracial adoption is that both of our families have quite a bit of "well-meaning liberal racism" floating around in them, and we didn't feel OK bringing a child of color into a family that could potentially feel conflicted. We are are also queer, and that factored into our decision - like we wanted to limit the "other"ness of our family if that makes sense? Anyway, enough rambling. It's awesome you are being so thoughtful about this. I bet your agency has good resources on this if you are interested. Good luck.
This is something that my parents have discussed. My two youngest siblings are black, adopted from West Africa, and while my parents would love to live somewhere warmer (they are currently in northern Canada), they worry about the racial baggage of the southern U.S.
However, I recently read a really interesting book called Black Berry, Sweet Juice by Lawrence Hill that has made me see the importance of having the opportunity to engage in black community. It's mostly about being biracial in Canada, but I think it would be a good read for anyone who is adopting outside of their race. It talks quite a bit about choosing identity.