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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
CIO - I don't understand!
I was so relieved to move on from the 6 month boards so that I wouldn't have to look at constant CIO posts. . . It seems like 12-24 is the same way now.
I honestly can't wrap my head around how people who love their children can do that to them. Leaving a little baby to cry (sometimes until they vomit) goes against the instincts we have been given for a reason. The advice to just go outside so you don't have to hear your LO cry seems so cowardly to me. Your child is experiencing those awful feelings. At least be big enough to listen to it. I can't imagine how scary, confusing and uncomfortable they must be and how terrible they must feel after all of that crying. I know how my head hurts and how awful I feel if I have a big cry. Why do people think that their parenting job ends just because a certain hour on the clock has been reached? If my child has to learn that I won't help her in order to learn how to sleep, I'm not interested.
I also don't understand how you can be so sure that your LO doesn't need anything. . . . How do you know that they aren't teething? That they don't have a belly ache? Maybe they are scared of something, hungry, thirsty or heaven forbid they just want to be held and reassured.
I guess this is a vent more than anything. I don't think this is the right place for me. . .
This discussion has been closed.
Re: CIO - I don't understand!
No one said you had to do it.
To each their own. And honestly, for some kids that's all that works. Sometimes, their "need" is that they don't like to be alone but sometimes they have to be. You can't do much about that but let them be.
CIO isn't for me at this time, so in some aspects, I agree with you. However, I'm lucky and have the easiest toddler ever. I've never had a need for it. I may change my opinion down the line, when my next kid is a challenge. You never know.
We're all parents, just doing the best we can and what we think is right. Kids will live through it just fine. They're not going to love us any less because of it. None of us want to and I don't think any of us think parenting ends at a certain hour. More like we know it never ends, but sometimes we realize it's hard but we have to do what'll be best in the end.
Im planning to start the CIO tonight...Im not a fan of it but I dont know what else to do. Also I really think you are misunderstanding why its done. None of us think that our parenting time ends at bed or nap time....thats just ignorant.
But with most people the struggle is getting them to sleep alone. I go to bed at 9pm because I know i need to get her to bed and she sleeps with us. I would love to stay up later and spend time with my husband or simply do some chores, but i cant...Im a prisoner to her sleep time. Also she sleeps in until about 8 or 9, I like to get up at 7, but i cant leave the bedroom to do things...like shower ect because I dont want her to roll off the bed. Nap time is the same story.
Back to your point about ....just leaving them there to cry, is how this whole thing got started. She was an excellent sleeper, slept in bassinet in our room for the first 3 mos then we moved her to her room in her crib. One night she woke up crying, I knew it was her teething, so I brought her in with us to soothe her. Then would take her back to crib...this would go on a few nights in a row....finally I was exhausted and would just given in and fall alsleep with her in the bed ......after that she was hooked wouldnt go back to crib, just stand in there crying and it killed me....but like I said now Im a prisoner to her sleep. Also Im expecting number 2 in feb, LO is currenly 13mos....for everyones sanity i think it best she learn to sleep in her crib. when #2 gets here I cant have #1 in bed with us and me getting up every few hours to tend to new baby, thats just crazy. we have a baby monitor, so at least i will know that shes safe, by now I know my baby well enough to probably determine her cries of pain and ones of just trying to adjust to her new sleeping situation....
please dont judge until you are in a certain situaltion...we all need to encourge each other and show support. Being a mother is hard enough.
Have you ever even read any of the "CIO" books? I'm assuming you haven't because if you were at all informed about what these CIO methods are all about then you wouldn't have written this post.
It is not about just leaving your child to cry and cry until they vomit and/or fall alseep on their own. You go in at intervals so they know you are still there if they need you...you lay them down drowsy but awake and go back in after 3 min, 5 min, 7 min, etc. until they LEARN to fall alseep on their own.
We did the ferber method (and I read the book) when DD was around 7 months old because she was waking every 1-2 hours through the night which was making her absolutely miserable all day every day because she was so tired. I personally would rather go through a little bit of crying for a few days so that I have a happy child in the long run. If you read others experiences you can see that most of the time the process takes less than a week...in our case it was 3 days...the first night DD cried for 45 min TOTAL (remember, intervals), 2nd night 30 minutes, 3rd night 20 minutes, 4th night I didn't have to go in because she just whimpered a little bit and fell right to sleep and slept through the night!
I can't speak for anyone else but when my DD is crying or fussing I know the difference between when she is in pain and when she is just fussing. Especially now that she's been sleeping well for the past 6 months or so if she wakes up crying then I definately know somethings wrong and I go in and help her.
Sorry if I rambled on but basically to sum it up...try informing yourself a little bit before judging others on their ways of parenting...
This seems like a totally different thing to me. If you need to step away for a few minutes, then you should do that.
I get what you're saying. I just think it's the first thing that people try rather than the last resort (in many cases). I have been in your situation before. There have been times when my LO would not sleep anywhere but with us. We have worked on that by moving her to her crib once she's asleep and she spends most of the time every night in her own crib now. It took time, but we are at a better place now that has not involved crying.
I think this makes a lot of good points about CIO and the reasons that we won't do it: https://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/
I don't understand why you posted this here.
I can't imagine why I'd read a book that instructs parents to do something that I think is wrong.
The idea of going in at intervals so that they know that you are there if they need them doesn't make sense. . . clearly they feel like they need you or they wouldn't be crying. It's still about them having to give up on you helping them. You are not teaching them how to fall asleep, they already know how to do that. You are teaching them that you won't be helping them any longer. . . that must be scary and confusing.
I love my child and I want him to sleep because sleep is a need just like food, water, and shelter. We sleep trained because no other method worked for getting him to sleep. I would rather that he cried for a few minutes every night than not sleep at all and be fussy, cranky, and sick all the time.
What's so hard to understand? If it doesn't work for you, don't do it.
I wasn't a fan of it and resisted for a long time. We got to the point that bedtimes were taking 2 hours of crying, resisting, fighting sleep. I tried every "no cry" solution I could and nothing worked and he'd end up crying regardless of if I was in with him or not. LO was 13 months and had figured out that I would keep picking him up if he cried for me. When he would cry, and I would pick him up, he would LAUGH. Then he would want to play. That told me, very clearly, that there was NOT actually something wrong, and he just wanted to play and hang out, even though he ewas tired. After weeks of this, I decided that it was best for my sanity and for his sleep to give it a try (we used SleepEasy solution, which includes timed check-ins, so no, I didn't just leave him there to cry). It worked and worked fast.
That said, I don't judge people based on their parenting decisions, unless it is something that is a safety issue. I'm not sure why you feel it's your place to come to a board and judge others. You don't know others' situations, you're not in their house at bedtime, and it's not your business anyway. You do what you're comfortable with and others will do what they're comfortable with. You don't have to like what others do. You can just ignore the CIO posts and if you can't, you're right, this (or any other parenting forum) is not the right place for you.
Here is an article that you probably won't read, because you already said you won't read up on something you don't approve of, but just in case you decide to have an open mind about others' parenting ..... https://healthland.time.com/2012/09/10/its-o-k-to-let-babies-cry-it-out-at-bedtime/
I couldn't quite grasp the concept of CIO when I first became a mom. I never knew anyone needed to do such things.
However, after extensively researching it, both sides, I decided it was the best thing not only for my son, but for us as a family. It's harder for us to be strong and stick it out, then it is for them, I honestly believe. Our "CIO" intervention lasted all of a week or maybe two for naps only. My son rarely cried hard during this time, it was more of protesting and whining because he was tired. I was so clued into his tired signs and made sure to get him to bed when he needed it, which I think helped immensely with the whole process.
Maybe not all kids will cry when it's time for bed. But for those who do, and for those parents who do not wish to co-sleep, you will have to deal with some crying in order to achieve a rested household.
My son has slept great from 5 months on and my parenting has been better because I have slept well too. He is always well rested, happy, and in good spirits.
The other side of this as well? When my son does cry, I know something is wrong, there is not any quessing EVERY SINGLE TIME I lay him down. No way. If he wakes up crying in the middle of the night, I go to him because something is off. If he cries before going down for a nap or bed time, something is off, and I know this because it is so rare. He's either overtired or not feeling well, or going through a change of some sort.
Maybe I got lucky with a good sleeper, but when I look back on all I have done to help foster and support healthy sleep habits with him, I can't help but take a good amount of credit for it. It's not always easy, but I'll take a happy, well rested, well adjusted child who sleeps in his own bed day and night, rather than a crabby, overtired child who sleeps in my bed and I don't get any sleep, ANY DAY OF THE WEEK for as long as I live.
I don't think ANYONE thinks that parenting ends at 8pm or bedtime. You're extremely judgmental about something you have not educated yourself about. IMO it's cruel to allow your child to be exhausted all day, month after month, year after year because you never taught them how to soothe themselves to sleep. It's a skill...and like any skill it needs to be taught. It's YOUR job as a parent to teach them the skills that will make them happy and successful in life.
Well, this was kind of pointless. Don't do CIO if you don't like it. It works for some families so they do it, no need to judge.
We did the Sleep Easy Solution (modified to 2 minute intervals) after DS was waking up during the night around 10 months old. It was the only way to get him to sleep w/o us rocking him to sleep (which was the cause of his night time wakings).
I don't think parents ever do it as a first response, they do it out of necessity/last resort.
BFP #2: 8.31.16 Dx w/ GD @ 28w DD Born @ 36w: 4.21.17
I'm very anti-CIO but had to resort to it for nap times because (surprise!!) I couldn't handle laying down with him for 2 2-hour naps per day at 11 months anymore. I wasn't sleeping well at night and was turning into a giant b!tch and it was having a huge impact on my marriage and our family. So we did CIO and I went in every five minutes. I only had to go in maximum twice per nap for about a week.
Not every does CIO because they're horrible, soulless beings. I think everyone would appreciate it if you took your judginess somewhere else.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I just came back here to say after more contemplation, that after all the stupid sh*t I see/hear parents do on here, IRL and wheverelse, this all the OP can find judgeworthy.
I want to be in her happy little, perfectly content toddler world!
It's called being informed, and it helps to be informed when you feel like judging others. I read articles from both sides before choosing to do a modified CIO - modified in that I listened to his cries for changes, and never let him get to the point of throwing up. I tried no-cry methods, and they just didn't work.
And if you would bother reading Ferber's book, you would know that there is a lot more in there than just CIO. He gives a lot of helpful information about sleep for babies up through teenagers.
My experience was similar to the bolded part.
So OP, I guess if DS just needed to hang out and play all night, then I should have bowed to that need since clearly staying up and playing all night and not ever crying is more important than sleep. Thank you for clarifying that for me.
Recently, ds has been able to put himself back down more often, but during his frequent wake ups he often screamed out. I was in bed next to him. It wasn't bc he needed me, it was habit. One morning at about 5am after being woken I don't know 12 times already I just had enough. I gave him a kiss and left the room, closing the door behind me. I decided to let him "cry" to see what he would do bc I believe he could put himself back to sleep. What did he do? He yelled angrily for 5 minutes, curled up and went to bed... For 2 hours.
The next night we decided to put him down, close the door and let him "cry" it out, again bc we thought he could get himself back down. Longest stretch of "crying" which was really complaining? 6 minutes.
We are on our third night. Last night we all slept. I got a 6 hour stretch for the 1st time in over a year.
Bottom line, my child was ready for it. It wasn't me ignoring his needs it was me recognizing that he needed that boundary to be set so he could learn that he could do it on his own.
I was closed minded like you, but you know what? There are a hundred ways to do it and they don't all have to be "mean" or "cold" or "insensitive."
FWIW, I also think it was tacky, selfrighteous and selfindulgent for you to post something like this here, especially after realizing this is a reality for many moms on here. Show other moms some support and stop the mommy wars. Everyone is doing the best they can and you have no idea what any other mother's experience and circumstances are.
While I don't agree with CIO personally, I know some people do have to use it. However, I disagree that co sleeping with your child causes them or you to be overtired as "long as you live". Well adjusted children who are good sleepers don't all stem from CIO techniques.
I dunno, I could have let my kid cry for 30 minutes (checking on him) for a couple nights and then have him STTN so we were both well-rested and happy or I could spend hours and hours trying to get him to fall asleep every night and hate my life because we're both exhausted during the day.
Tough call.
IMO there's nothing wrong with not being a fan and deciding it's not for you. I resisted doing ferber for a while. I tried sleep lady shuffle first (after nursing and rocking to sleep for months) and it just didn't work for us. DD was more upset with me sitting in the room with her...she just cried and cried and it was just awful for both of us.
I also don't see anything wrong with giving your opinion when people post asking for advice/opinions. What I don't like is that the OP just decided to post this nasty judgemental post basically telling those of us who chose this method (because we felt it was the best option for our families) that we're horrible parents and we don't love our children as much because we would torture them this way...there was just no need to for all that IMO.
It doesn't make sense to you because you're obviously a very close minded person. FYI ~ Your way is not the ONLY way! It's pretty interesting that you would read articles claiming to know all the negatives about these methods but won't even entertain the idea of it having any positive effects on children. Ok we get it, it's not for you...please just go somewhere else with your nasty judgements.
As someone who is anti CIO, I still think you are making yourself sound like an idiot. It's not for us, so we don't do it. End of story.
Until I earn my trophy for the world's most awesome parent, I'll keep my opinions on how other people should parent their children to myself. And let me tell you....I don't see that happening anytime soon. I've got plenty of my own ish to figure out still.
Breaking news: Every child is different and different methods work for different families.
My kid has cried himself to sleep since he was a newborn. Even if we were holding him, he cried until he fell asleep. He doesn't sleep anywhere except his own bed and occasionally the car seat. He never took a pacifier nor has he attached to any other particular lovey or comfort item. I could rock him for hours and he may fall asleep but as soon as he hit the bed he'd be awake and we'd have to start all over.
I didn't read all the replies so this may have been mentioned already.
There is a difference between CIO for sleep training and stepping away from an inconsolable baby/toddler for a few moments to regain your patience and sanity. Having to do that sucks for both party's involved.
Sure, I'd love to be able to calm my son and not have to leave him until he feels better. But when my patience is wearing thin, leaving him in a safe place while I collect myself to prevent my energy from affecting him is the best and safest thing to do.
CIO for sleep training isn't something that I do personally, but to each their own. Sometimes it's the only thing that will work for a child. And I'm in no place to judge anyonee since I know I'm probably judged for some parenting decisions I make. Bed sharing, "extended" breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc... Those are all things that are choices I made as a mom and don't expect everyone to understand.
If the only way for mom and dad to get ANY sleep whatsoever is for baby to CIO (well after they are at the age of self-soothing) then I'm not gonna get my panties in a twist over it. Everyone has their threshold.
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
Actually OP if you read most of the posts of moms trying CIO it is a LAST resort. It was for me. As a mom you should know that you shouldn't judge other moms. Being a mom is a hard job, whether you SAH or work outside the home. We shouldn't judge but encourage. I work outside the home and for me, I wasn't a good mom getting no sleep and then working all day. CIO only lasted 3 nights and now DD sleeps 11-12 hours a night. She is a happier baby/toddler and I am a happier mom. Please don't come on here posting your condescending views when we're all on these boards trying to be the best parents we can be.
I know it's been posted.. but I want to say don't judge. My kid needed to learn to sleep for herself periord. I sat in the other room and cried.
It sucked but I did it and now she can fall asleep on her own. A healthy child needs good sleep so I did what I had to do. Being a good parent is about making tough choices sometimes. Trust me I would rather cuddle with her every night but it wasnt' good for her or my marriage.
I think co-sleeping may work for some families who don't mind a child in their bed for however long. I just think that for me, personally, letting your child go on and on and on for years sometimes, without knowing how to sleep on their own, is just not for me. I need a life too. I need that precious time at night to sleep. That's just me.
I skimmed the responses, and had to add my thoughts. You are ignorant. You're unwilling to read a book about it, but you're willing to be judgmental without knowing how it actually works.
I will admit that I didn't want to do CIO, and hadn't read any books about it. Then, Lila got to the point where we had 4 solid months of me having to sleep with her, and she still wasn't sleeping well. We were both exhausted, and it wasn't good for either of us. We changed our whole night-time routine, and started putting her to bed "drowsy but awake." The first night, she cried for 3 minutes, then slept until 8am. The second night, just over a minute of crying and slept the whole night. That was it. The improvement in her mood and attitude and learning ability skyrocketed in a week, and her sleep habits were the only thing we changed.
While CIO is not for every parent, ignorance is worse. Please inform yourself before shooting off your mouth.
This is soooooo awesome and TRUE!! LOL! I honestly believe that those kids that "CIO just didn't work for" are by and large the kids whose parents didn't have the gumption to stick it out and do what's best for their child. You suck it up, you do what's hard, you don't overinduldge from the beginning, and you give your child the greatest gift ever......SLEEP. And you know what??? We parents reep the rewards in return.
OP:
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This page was started upon request by DrMomma.org readers and serves as a location of support and empowerment for these individuals. Therefore, it serves as a 'safe space' for those striving to parent peacefully. It is not another pop culture parenting page for myths, propaganda and uninformed attacks.
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