CP: Your Mom at Anatomy Scan?

Mrs.Leah.Maria · November 2012

Unfortunately, my Mom and I have had a continued fight regarding the anatomy scan. She's never been to an ultrasound and would love to go. She insists that she is the only mother of a daughter of anyone she knows that hasn't been allowed to go to the anatomy scan.

We touched on this briefly in the worried post previously, but to me, the anatomy scan isn't all fun and games. It's a very serious procedure that could reveal horrible news. Additionally, as I'm not feeling the baby move consistently [which I'm not concerned about, but stating], we could even go in and God forbid find the baby without a heartbeat. This is information that I would only want to find out with DH, not with my Mom finding out simultaneously.

[Poll]

RussianMommy · November 2012

My Mom isn't going ONLY because she does not live in my city AND the fact that you are only allowed to have 1 adult in the room with you.

I would have no problems with her being there

Dunkin · November 2012

We do not include anyone but me and DH in the anatomy scan, but after that, for the first one, we did a 3D scan and invited MIL and my mom to come with us. They loved that, and it was at 28 weeks, so the kid looked like a baby, and we did not have the worries of medical situations arising. But that was just for #1.

BartonBaby · November 2012

If my mom lived here in GA with me she would be there. she was at the ones for my older two daughters when i lived in VA but with the last two being born here in GA she couldn't come. but i'd absolutely have her there.

nikknakk4 · November 2012

My mom will be coming to mine only because...

I am in a first time mom study. So we found out we're having a little boy just this past week. It was only myself and my husband there.

My actual anatomy ultrasound is in a week and a half, my husband isn't sure if he'll be able to get off work, so my mom said she'd go with me. I'm her only daughter, this is the first grandchild. And I would love to have her there to see our little guy. If my husband gets off work, then both him and my mom will be there.

SammieLou88 · November 2012

We're having my mom, my stepmom, my dad and definitely my MIL. My MIL has terminal lung cancer, so we're doing a grandparents lunch after the appointment. She most likely will not get to meet her first grandchild, so this is our way of making sure she's included. As for the rest of our little "party", I want my family there. They are all SO excited about this LO and I want for them to get to see an U/S. my dad had asked to come to the first one and I said no because I wasn't sure if it would be abdominal or vaginal, so he's thrilled to get to go this time.

ETA: Also, because I'm a worrywart like you, my regular monthly check up with my OB is scheduled for an hour before my A/S...so it will be just me and DH there for that part. We will get to hear our LO's heartbeat by Doppler before we have an audience.

mypalbabs · November 2012

Absolutely not.

It's not your job to fulfill your mom's ultrasound dreams, you know?

Be gentle, but be firm.

mumsie28 · November 2012

My mom or MIL have not asked to be at any of my u/s. I have my 20wk one coming up on 12/4/12 and my husbnad is going with me. My mom did see u/s with my first child but I was only 19 at the time so she had to be there, I didn't have anyone else. Part of me would love for her to see one of them now but at the same time I have had u/s in the past with bad news (early on in past pregnancies, the 8wk check up) and I would not have wanted anyone but my husband there. Does your doctor offer a video? I don't know if mine does but I have heard of people getting those. Maybe something like that will please her? I am sure she is just excited about her grandbaby but at the same time, its your decision and you have good reasons for keeping it private.

Mrs.Leah.Maria · November 2012

NandaB:
Its your decision if you want her there or not, but you have really morbid reasons for not wanting her there. You know it isn't uncommon to not feel movement regularly, right? That doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your baby.

I don't think that they are morbid at all. I've had a miscarriage. Loss is more common that we speak about and I think it's a realistic position.

I didn't feel DS1 until 23w. I definitely know it's not uncommon and am not concerned about it, just stating that it's a possibility.

This is LO#3, we've crossed this bridge 3 times. She knows my reasons, but she rejects them and constantly tries to guilt trip me into allowing her.

libfish825 · November 2012

My mom was at ours with DD. It was fun because we are close, I'm her only daughter, and (honestly) we were pretty blissfully unaware of all the potentially devastating things we could have found out. It was fine since we were planning on calling everyone immediately to let them know anyway, so we isn't have to worry about her keeping a secret.

That being said - we invited her and I don't think she ever would have asked.

This time around, we haven't discussed it yet but I think it'll just be DH, DD, and me. I want to keep it a special, family moment (and have the ability to process bad news by ourselves in the event something is wrong).

rayofsunshine99 · November 2012

I agree that if you don't want her to be there, don't give in.

Chances are very likely that everything will be fine and assuming that will be the case, I still think it's a special time that should be shared with only you and your DH if you want it to be.

If you have to, maybe just tell her that they only allow one person in the room? My MIL wanted to come to the u/s with DS and in order to avoid any friction/drama, that was what I did.

JSS1002 · November 2012

Until reading some posts on TB, I'd never heard of anybody other than the significant other coming to the anatomy scan, or ANY appointment or ultrasound for that matter. I'm super close to my parents, but I'd never invite my mom to this -- unless my DH couldn't be there, and then I'd consider it (but honestly, I'd more likely reschedule because I would want him there for all the reasons you mentioned -- it is a SERIOUS procedure). My mom would never expect to be invited.

NicoleSB80 · November 2012

DH kinda wants it to be a special time for the two of us. I kinda wanted parents but then his parents wouldnt be able to make it (out of state).

We said that if his parents can arrange to come stay with us for Christmas (they are working on planning it). We will take all parents and do an elective 3d/4d ultrasound at a boutique place.

kelsea1031 · November 2012

My mom lives out of state, but even if she were close, it will only be DH and I, and for very similar reasons as you. We've decided to be team green, so finding out the sex is a non-factor, but given our family history and the complications I've had with this pregnancy so far, I'm terrified that we'll get bad news. And if, God forbid, that happens, that is something that DH and I need time to process by ourselves.

Is there the possibility of maybe doing an elective u/s somewhere to appease her? Maybe after you've had the a/s and know everything's okay?

ETA: Even if I didn't worry about something being wrong, it would still just be DH and I. One, it's a medical procedure, not for entertainment. I don't expect to tag along to others' medical appointments. And two, it's a special moment for DH and I to have. If DD were older and had some idea of what was going on, we'd probably include her, but it's something for our immediate family.

wendalsue · November 2012

My mom is going to the a/s because we're having an elective u/s to find out the sex 4 weeks before the a/s and H's parents are coming to that. They adopted their children and have never seen a sono done. We wanted to give them the opportunity to see what it was like to experience seeing their first (and likely only) grandchild in a sono. My mom isn't going because she wants it to be special for them, so I'm taking her with me to the a/s instead.

JSS1002 · November 2012

Mrs.Leah.Maria:
NandaB:
Its your decision if you want her there or not, but you have really morbid reasons for not wanting her there. You know it isn't uncommon to not feel movement regularly, right? That doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your baby.
I don't think that they are morbid at all. I've had a miscarriage. Loss is more common that we speak about and I think it's a realistic position.
I didn't feel DS1 until 23w. I definitely know it's not uncommon and am not concerned about it, just stating that it's a possibility.
This is LO#3, we've crossed this bridge 3 times. She knows my reasons, but she rejects them and constantly tries to guilt trip me into allowing her.

I also do not think this is morbid. AT ALL. I'm nervous about the A/S. The sex of the baby is a silly bonus to me - I just want to know everything is okay.

UberBiz · November 2012

I will only have FI in the room during the a/s. I don't see any reason for anyone else to be there. He wanted his daughter there, so we could let her know if the baby is a boy or a girl, but I told him no, that she is not able to sit there for an hour, it would ruin the experience (and probably me a distraction), and also if she had gone, I'd have felt bad if my daughter didn't get to go as well. So, it's only me and FI. My parents (and his) have no reason to want to be there. They will get pictures and the news afterward as soon as we're done anyway.

JSS1002 · November 2012

Mrs.Leah.Maria:
rayofsunshine99:
If you have to, maybe just tell her that they only allow one person in the room? My MIL wanted to come to the u/s with DS and in order to avoid any friction/drama, that was what I did.
It's definitely past that. It was a resounding "No." with DS1, a guilt trip with DS2 and a continuing guilt trip now. I've staunchly closed all doors to leave room for that out unfortunately, she knows that I do not want her there.

Then I don't see why you have to even keep having the conversation. You're a grown woman -- she should not question your choices. I'm sorry she is putting so much pressure on you -- doens't sound like a very loving or helpful attitude.

synchrosally · November 2012

My mom is too far away to come to mine though I'm sure she'd love to come. It'll just be DH and DS with me.

brunstar · November 2012

JSS1002:
Until reading some posts on TB, I'd never heard of anybody other than the significant other coming to the anatomy scan, or ANY appointment or ultrasound for that matter. I'm super close to my parents, but I'd never invite my mom to this -- unless my DH couldn't be there, and then I'd consider it (but honestly, I'd more likely reschedule because I would want him there for all the reasons you mentioned -- it is a SERIOUS procedure). My mom would never expect to be invited.

This is me exactly.

Fremdschamen · November 2012

My mom lives across the country, but even if she lived here, she would not be invited and would not want to attend. She and I are both of the view that the pregnancy is, first and foremost, something to be shared between husband and wife. For the same reason, she is not invited and would not want to attend the birth.

FTR, we are very close-- it has nothing to do with my opinion of my mother, who I think is awesome. I take the perspective that my relationships exist in a sort of bullseye/target pattern. The centre circle is only my husband and my (future) kids. I get to choose which concentric circle every other person is in, and even though I would put my mom in the next circle, only the inner circle gets to attend the u/s and birth.

Mrs.Leah.Maria · November 2012

Fremdschamen:
I take the perspective that my relationships exist in a sort of bullseye/target pattern. The centre circle is only my husband and my (future) kids. I get to choose which concentric circle every other person is in, and even though I would put my mom in the next circle, only the inner circle gets to attend the u/s and birth.

I love this and feel the same.

MsAmeera25 · November 2012

RussianMommy:

My Mom isn't going ONLY because she does not live in my city AND the fact that you are only allowed to have 1 adult in the room with you.

I would have no problems with her being there

Ditto this! I would love for my mom to be there regardless of what happened good or bad.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · November 2012

Dear Mrs Leah Maria's mom,

My mom has never been to ANY of my ultrasounds with any of my children. Stop with the whole "but everyone else does it" crap, because that's just what it is, a load of crap.

Love,

Madame Ha

With this being said, I actually am considering inviting my mom this time around. This thought NEVER ever crossed my mind with either of the girls, but for some reason, I think it would be neat to have her in there with us this time around. I also want DD1 there.

With this said, I want to point out that my hospital does the a/s in 2 parts. The first part is the "serious" part when they take all the measurements and make sure everything is fine. No visitors are allowed during that part. When that is over, then visitors are welcome in the u/s room and we can oooh and ahhhh at the baby.

LindseyDD716 · November 2012

Both my parents, my husband, and my sister are coming to my scan. I can have 4 people so I am inviting 4 people. There is always a chance something could be wrong BUT these are the people that are going to support me if that happens so I am excited for them to be there with me!

kateb171 · November 2012

I'm having my mom come with DH and I to ours. She came with us for the first one at 10w too. My doctor told me that the person doing everything won't actually be telling us anything, just getting the information that will then be sent to physicians to examine etc. and that she would go over it with me the next time I came in. The only information we'll be getting is pretty much the sex while we're there. Mom said she would be okay with whatever we wanted to do, but she's my best friend and does everything with/for me so I couldn't imagine not having her there to see baby for the last time until April! I am thinking about having them tell the sex to DH and I first (as long as baby cooperates) before having mom come in so we can have that moment, and then be able to see her reaction when she hears it too. I can definitely understand wanting to have that moment with just your SO too though, sorry your mom is being so pushy!

JuneBugsMommy · November 2012

With DS, DH and I had both my parents and his mom with us, his dad was invited to come too but couldn't get off work. If we were to find out bad news these are the people I would want to be with us.

rayofsunshine99 · November 2012

LindseyDD716:
Both my parents, my husband, and my sister are coming to my scan. I can have 4 people so I am inviting 4 people. There is always a chance something could be wrong BUT these are the people that are going to support me if that happens so I am excited for them to be there with me!

Just fyi, the anatomy scan takes a while as they measure/look at everything, most of which is unidentifiable to the untrained eye so personally, I would get bored if it weren't my own baby on the screen.

There's only about 5-10 minutes of it that would be enjoyable for me to be at someone else's. The other 50 minutes or so I would be bored and wishing that I could leave and have them call me when it's over.

libfish825 · November 2012

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha:
With this said, I want to point out that my hospital does the a/s in 2 parts. The first part is the "serious" part when they take all the measurements and make sure everything is fine. No visitors are allowed during that part. When that is over, then visitors are welcome in the u/s room and we can oooh and ahhhh at the baby.

This makes so much sense! I bet the u/s tech gets a much more thorough, careful job done this way.

teddib20 · November 2012

I didn't read through all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been suggested. If she really wants to go to an u/s so bad, why doesn't she pay to have a 4D done later on in the pregnancy?

I chose SS because my mom lives in CA with the rest of my family, who also wants to be involved. So when I fly home for Christmas, I am having a 4D u/s done so my family can be there.

I agree with your reasons and even if my mom lived in the same state that I did, she would not be going to my a/s as this is something I feel should be shared with DH only.

KellyM10 · November 2012

I guess really my answer is no, but I put SS because I would let her come, she just lives 12 hours away.

Would she agree to wait outside the room until all the measurements and stuff were taken, and then your H could get her and she could be there to see the baby moving and get the gender announcement, assuming everything else was fine?

ekendall09 · November 2012

teddidan:

I didn't read through all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been suggested. If she really wants to go to an u/s so bad, why doesn't she pay to have a 4D done later on in the pregnancy?

I was going to suggest this as well. I agree with you about only have DH in the room for this u/s. This is the biggest one that we get during pregnancy and while the results usually come back normal, this isn't always the case. Its not abnormal for you to feel as though you would want the private experience with just DH before sharing news with family.

i'm sorry you have to deal with this, just one more thing you have to think about. I would say that if shes just wanted to be a part of an ultrasound to do an elective one that way shes part of the experience, and if this is the case....perhaps if she wants to see so badly she will pay for it as well! Hope it all works out!

principessa81 · November 2012

I voted SS, because my mom won't be there, but only because of the distance. We live in Louisiana and she lives in Wisconsin. Since she won't be at the birth (she will be at our house watching Tony), I would have liked to have her at the ultrasound, but it is what it is. I think you just have to do what you're most comfortable with. I haven't read all the responses, so I'm sorry if someone already brought this up, but have you told your mom your concerns about why you just want it to be you and your H there? If not, do you think that would make her feel differently about the situation?

babyonthebrain2010 · November 2012

I didnt read all responses but maybe you could meet her halfway and have the us tech write down the sex and then find out later with your mom?

[Deleted User] · November 2012

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tobejesskoz · November 2012

I put yes, but my mom watches dd and my sisters kids, so it depends on my sis's kids preschool schedule for that week.

I invited her last time, and if we can get the kids covered, then she will be at this one also.

big_noise · November 2012

Pre-loss, I'm not sure I would have thought much about it. In fact, I let MIL come with me to one of DD's. I had two NT scans b/c she wouldn't behave on the first one. So since it was the following day and we knew everything was fine, just that we needed measurements, I let MIL come. Even if I hadn't had a loss, I wouldn't repeat this.

Post-loss, I wouldn't be ok with anyone other than DH coming with me. I understand your fears/worries and I too would only want DH to be there. Well, ok, we are bringing DD but she's two. I want her to be there even though she doesn't quite get it. Besides the fact that this is her sibling, I"m using her as a coping mechanism. Her being there will stop me from completely breaking down before entering the u/s room.

katiec123 · November 2012

I have so many appts to go to, I've gone to several on my own. Hubby has gone to 3-4 of them and last week we had an appt to find out the sex. We invited both sets of parents and my sister. Everyone was there to find out that we are having a boy!

We are very close to both sides of the family. They are very happy to be included in our pregnancy and love that we thought to invite them to see the baby. I guess everyone's comfort level and family situation is different.

kara1204 · November 2012

I don't plan for my mom to be there, just my husband. The room is really small and she didn't ask. I am a second time mom as well and very nervous about this. I'm glad I'm not alone. I too am feeling very little movement ( and I'm also aware its very early), but I do think its natural to worry.

Hesterlicious · November 2012

Only DH and myself will be there. I wouldn't even consider inviting anyone else.

courtneyt13 · November 2012

My mom came to my first a/s with Hannah. It was fine- for me. This time around she and my dad will be in FL (they are snow birds) so she won't attend.

I understand your hesitation with allowing others in the room in case of problems. With Hannah there was an issue with the placenta and the tech spent a lot of time looking at it ( so much, I called the doctor afterwards), but my mom nor DH noticed.

Maybe as a concession you can let your mom attend the appt, but only call her in the room after you get a clear picture of the baby.

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Elisabeth Lee "Ella"Born April 14, 2013

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Elisabeth Lee "Ella"
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