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WWYD? MIL Help!!

laurenb89laurenb89
in Toddlers: 24 Months+

First, i havent been on here in ages and am still a newbie. But, I need unbiased opinions and advice.

My mother in law has always been great and she was a lot like a close friend, def not a monster in law. My SIL has 2 kids (she had them young) and lived with my in laws for about 4.5 years so they were there every step of the way for my niece and newphew. Well my husband and I broke the mold for the family and moved away from their little 2 mile stretch of family.

Heres the problem:

Mil does so much for the other 2 grandkids and leaves mine out. She called me about a sale on jackets at ON and got the other kids one but not DD. She planned a vaca with the other kids and didnt invite DD. She took the other kids to a kids amusement park and told another family memeber that we probably wouldnt let DD go, but never asked to take her. The list goes on and on and on. I brought this up to my husband, he thinks Im being petty because DD doesnt need or want for anything and we provide for her 110%. He wont say anything to her about how it bothers me, and told me that it would cause a lot of problems with a lot of people if I do. Everybody puts his mom on a pedestal when IMO she has been treating my daughter unfairly, and what makes me the most upset is she trys to lie, hide it, and is really shady.

Sorry for the long post, but Im soo frustrated.

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Re: WWYD? MIL Help!!

  • bethann3181bethann3181 member
    I would be really bummed about this too, if I were you.  One question though - how far away are you guys from her and SIL, since youi said you moved away from their 2 mile stretch of family?  Are you a distance that make it difficult for her to include DD in things that it's just logistically easier for her to do with SIL's kids?
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  • laurenb89laurenb89
    No, we are over every weekend for several hours. She watches her one night a week for about 3.5 hrs, while I attend a class. DH works and stays OOT. We only live about 25 mins from them, but they have only been over a handful of times in the last 2.5 yrs we have lived here. But she does have SIL's kids every day after school, and they stay with them at least one night on the weekend and they have them all day on sundays. So she does see SIL's kids WAY more.
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  • bethann3181bethann3181 member

    Even though she sees SIL's kids so much more, 25 minutes away should not hinder her including your DD on the things she's do with and for them.  Honestly, I would speak up in a light way.  If you hear them talking about a trip to somewhere fun, or recapping it after it happened, I would say "Oh, wow!  DD would have a blast at a place like that.  Let us know next time you plan to go, we'd love for her to join in!"  After making a few mentions like this, if she still doesn't include DD, that's really crappy of her.  I would encourage DH to have a conversation with her at that point, and just say you're feeling have been hurt about this situation, and see what she says. 

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  • laurenb89laurenb89
    Thank you, I have considered just saying something as it happens for example when i saw the coats she got the other kids and saying something like "oh those are nice" just to make her aware that I know what she is doing. But, I havent said anything yet because it makes me so angry when it happens Im afraid that I will totally lose my cool and all hell will break loose.
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  • 1026pumpkin1026pumpkin member
    imagebethann3181:

    Even though she sees SIL's kids so much more, 25 minutes away should not hinder her including your DD on the things she's do with and for them.  Honestly, I would speak up in a light way.  If you hear them talking about a trip to somewhere fun, or recapping it after it happened, I would say "Oh, wow!  DD would have a blast at a place like that.  Let us know next time you plan to go, we'd love for her to join in!"  After making a few mentions like this, if she still doesn't include DD, that's really crappy of her.  I would encourage DH to have a conversation with her at that point, and just say you're feeling have been hurt about this situation, and see what she says. 

    I think this is great advice!  I'd also focus more on her including DD in activities with her cousin vs. buying things.  It's possible the cousins' parents have financial issues you aren't aware of and that's why she's more inclined to help them?  It's also possible she's playing favorites or is pissed you guys moved- if she is, I think pointing out how much it would mean to DD to be included would bring her back around. 

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  • laurenb89laurenb89

    Thanks for the advice ladies, it is much needed. Im really frustrated with it. My SIL used to have financial issues considering she was a bum, she didnt work for 5 years after having 2 kids within 14 months of each other. (she was 16 when she got preg the first time) The kids father was never around much so my in laws picked up the slack. But now she is married and has been out of their house for over a year, and since I am a SAHM they have a higher income.

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  • la79alla79al member
    Honestly, it sucks.  My inlaws tend to do more for my stepkids than my kids.  Try explaining to a 4 year old why her siblings are getting treats from grandma but she and little sis aren't.  Anyhow, it could be a lot of things affecting this situation.  Since SIL is MILs daughter, she probably feels a lot more comfortable with her than with you.  It sounds like SIL has no issue with letting someone else watch her kids whereas maybe you come across as caring more about your LO (thus intimidating MIL).  What are the ages of the kids?  Some people are more comfortable with older kids and/or see younger kids as a lot of work.  As far as advice, you probably just need to work on your overall relationship with MIL.  Once she gets to know you, maybe things will get better.  It might be the same as with a new dad too, she needs to know that you are willing to let her 'parent' her way and then she will feel more comfortable. 
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  • laurenb89laurenb89

    Ive always felt like we have had an amazing relationship until recently and thats just because of the unfair (IMO) treatment. But you hit the nail on the head when you said that SIL has no problem letting anyone watch her kids, she always welcomes the idea even though she has more time away from them than with them. And because if the way SIL took advantage of my in laws and never has her kids with her, we made an effort to be a polar opposite of her. DD has never stayed the night with my in laws, and thats mainly because they will not enforce any of the rules we have in place for DD. My SIL's kids are those kids that you hate to be sitting anywhere near when eating out. They are hellians for lack of a better term, they dont have any rules so when DD is with them she is subjected to any type of rules, and that has always concerned us. So maybe because she has them more she feels like she doesnt have the same relationship with DD.

    I am sorry that your kids are dealing with the same thing, and thats what Im trying to avoid because you cant explain to a child why they are being treated diff than their siblings by somebody they look up to and love.

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