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Baby shower question - MIL?

wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
in March 2013 Moms

OK, here's a baby shower question of a different kind that I'm interested in other folks' opinions on.

I've had a couple different groups of friends and family talk to me about throwing me a baby shower.  I will probably have 2 or 3 different ones just with childhood neighbor moms, my dad's office staff who are basically 2nd mothers to me and my siblings, and my extended family members and friends.  I will be pleasantly surprised if we have a shower with DH's family because they have a lot of "stuff" going on right now with his grandparents and their health struggles.  Those issues alone make me hope that it doesn't even occur to anyone to throw a party because their focus and attention really needs to be on getting his grandparents into assisted living so that they're safe and secure and can get their medical needs addressed.  

Typically, I would have my MIL included on all of the party guest lists without giving it a second thought since she is one of this LO's grandmas and that makes her a pretty big deal in the baby's life.  However, she has pretty bad social anxiety and frets about events like this, even more so when she doesn't really know anyone.  It was a source of a lot of stress for her when we were having wedding showers with basically the same crew of folks.  

Should I have her included and let her decline knowing that she'll feel obligated but stressing her out in the process, not include her and if she finds out she'll probably get upset I didn't include her, or send her an email letting her know I'm going to put her on the list but let her know that she doesn't have to feel obligated to go which just kinda seems like it could come across as a passive aggressive move  - like I'm including her because I have to, but don't really want her.  I just don't feel like I can win on this one.  

LOL - maybe I will just let DH deal with her.  :) 

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Re: Baby shower question - MIL?

  • happy_un-bridehappy_un-bride member
    I would invite her to the most family oriented shower; i.e. the one that is most likely to contain your family and those that she would be familiar with.
    *** DS born February 21, 2013 - Toronto, Canada  ***
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  • thecarrotflowerthecarrotflower
    I agree with the others entirely. I am going through something similar. My mom and sister are throwing a shower for me in my hometown shortly after Christmas. I know my MIL will not be able to make it as it is more than a 14 hour trek, but I am not sure if there will be another one that she could attend. I don't want her to feel excluded. This is her first Grandchild too.
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  • happy_un-bridehappy_un-bride member

    SIDE QUESTION: Is it customary for mother's and MILs to be invited to all showers?

     

     

    *** DS born February 21, 2013 - Toronto, Canada  ***
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  • wittyschaffywittyschaffy member

    I guess?  My Mom told me to put MIL on all of our wedding shower guest lists (and she was invited to the one my IL's family hosted in return).  I just presumed that the same rules applied.  I could be wrong too!  

     

     

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  • CBombackCBomback member
    imagemal922:

    imagehappy_un-bride:
    I would invite her to the most family oriented shower; i.e. the one that is most likely to contain your family and those that she would be familiar with.

    I agree, then let her decide how she wants to handle it.  If you have the type of relationship with her where you feel like you can send her an email or say, if the shower comes up in conversation, that you know she has a lot going on and she totally should not feel pressured to attend, then that's ok too, but not if she's the type to jump to the conclusion that you don't actually want her there.  I'd let her sort through her own anxieties about attending social gatherings with people she doesn't know very well and not worry about it too much. 

    I agree too.  And would add: this should not be done over email.  It is very easy to misinterpret, and you can convey more sensitivity in a phone call or in person. Good luck - I'm still learning how to get along with my MIL.  Mostly it involves me being a lot more direct with her than I'd care to be. 

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  • rm2013rm2013 member
    I would only invite her to one of the showers.
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  • smurf605smurf605 member
    I would invite the MIL to the family oriented shower.  I would mention to her when you see her that you would love for her to join the family shower, but if she feels uncomfortable coming to not feel obliged.  Are there other in-laws that you can invite to help it not be so one sided?  Besides a work shower, I just had one shower that included my family (both sides) and friends.  There was probably a guest list of 25-30 people with about a turn out of around 20.

    My two boys are getting a surprise May 2015!

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  • wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    It unfortunately would be virtually impossible to do a shower with both sides of our families together because both of our parents have lots of siblings who all had quite a few girls.  It would have to be a party for probably 50!  I think that would get pretty long for not only me who would want to spend one-on-one time with all the guests, but also for people attending. I can't really invite some of DH's family and not all without causing drama either.  lol - isn't family dynamic stuff fun?!  *grin*  
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