Lurkers seriously!!

Heatherhah · October 2012

Wow I didn't realize how many lurkers really lurk here but look at all of the reads on each post and only a very few responses.

Why would you want to lurk on a board with ladies who have lost babies like us ? There is nothing fun about this board its not like the baby name board or other more fun boards. No offense ladies I love you all hellll because I am one of you. But this is not right if you ask me. I mean I am sure some people have morbid curiousity but seriously this isn't right.

I know we have all spoke about this before but man this is so wrong. I truly just noticed how many people lurker. Makes me a little sick.

Thinking of all of you ladies!! Love you all.

Heather

Bayberry12 · October 2012

I know it is pretty morbid to lurk here.

Although, I do admit I read almost every post, and don't always reply. Sometimes I go back and read them several times to see other peoples replies. I like to think a lot of other loss moms do this too. But the view counts can get pretty high compare to the responses.

Heatherhah · October 2012

I do the same thing bayberry but seriously one post had over 1,000 views I mean thats just nuts. I don't see that many views on other boards. It is just weird to me.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · October 2012

I wonder - and I've never tried it but - if every time you read a post it counts 1. Like let's say you read a post and don't comment right away. Then you go back later and comment. Does that count 2 or just 1? Or like others have said, you go back and check to see other people's comments. Does that count 3, 4, 5 etc. or is it just one per person. I wonder if that's what's causing the #s to be so high. Just a thought.

starburst0928 · October 2012

I was actually just thinking that this morning! A loss mom said it best a week or so ago... We're not a sad zoo to look at!

chels0120 · October 2012

Sometimes people aren't ready to talk and reading about what other's are going through that are in the same situation helps. Maybe others have friends or family members that have lost or are going through a loss and they need direction on how to handle things.

lolee465 · October 2012

It makes me really uncomfortable the amount of views each post gets, it's the reason why I haven't done an intro to share my story. I get that some people might have a loss and they're lurking cause they're not ready to post..but there are so many views. It makes me really sad to think (like pp said) we're a zoo that people are just curious about. They're curious about that nightmare that they never want to happen to them...

ILoveRedVino · October 2012

It's like a train wreck. People can't look away, even though it is sad. I think it is kind of human nature. I'm not saying it is right, but it is reality.

Also - if you have a blog or Facebook page where your loss has been on display, I bet you get a lot more views that random other people. I think people are genuinely curious... we've gone through something that most think of as unimaginable.

jbranden12 · October 2012

Bayberry12:
I know it is pretty morbid to lurk here.
Although, I do admit I read almost every post, and don't always reply. Sometimes I go back and read them several times to see other peoples replies. I like to think a lot of other loss moms do this too. But the view counts can get pretty high compare to the responses.

This. We are also a slower moving board so posts get seen more often before they are bumped to a new page. But I imagine lurkers include other women who have experienced loss, friends and family of those who have experienced loss, pregnant women who are afraid of a late term loss, and full-on curious randoms.

I guess I'm the odd one out in that I don't really mind if people lurk. This is just one more way I spread awareness. I don't imagine the curious randoms lurking so they can laugh and point at us. Some of them might do it to make themselves feel thankful for what they have. Maybe it's morbid, but even that doesn't really bother me. It bothers me WAY more when people ignore the possibility.

Heatherhah · October 2012

I wasn't really saying that all lurkers are bad especially ones who don't want to intro and want to keep to themselves I get that but one post of an intro had over 1600 views thats a lot!! It just seems crazy to me. I know people lurk to maybe feel like their lives aren't as bad as ours or somethign like that but sometimes I feel like a freak show in my normal life. With losing our DD so late in pregnancy my relationships with some have changed and now being pregnant with my rainbow everyone expects certain feelings from me that I just don't have.

I wasn't trying to start drama ladeis I was just shocked to see the views on a ton of post of late. Our board is slow and I suppose that is good that means there aren't as many new ladies joining us. Thank goodness.!!

Sorry if I upset anyone that really honestly wasn't my intent!!

Hugs ladies!!

Heather

Bayberry12 · October 2012

I agree with jbranden12 and mdharrison and like to think that if some people are just "lurking" it is for a reason. They could be dealing with loss in some way. Some people may not feel comfortable sharing, and that is ok. I never even knew this board existed until I started googling "stillbirth" after my loss and someone's post came up. I think I went back to page 1 and read every single post. Of course there will always be people who are just curious.

I feel like this is a place where I can be "public" about my loss, and a way to also share and spread awareness. If this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

I hope that the people who don't have the strength to post yet will someday, and in the meantime if reading my story and all of our stories helps them, I think that is a good thing.

pottermommy · October 2012

It doesn't cout as a number if you look at your own to see the comments, and yes we do have lurkers, that is why sometimes a random WDYD post pops up that says I have read all of your stories and though I don't understand........Because they lurk, I know there are loss mommies who are not ready or who are not comfortable with posting their stories and that is fine....We are here for you, lurk away. But seriously, everyone else?

Any thing over 500 veiws is not loss mommies, we have roughly 40 active members, probably 30-40 Loss mom lurkers, another 25-30 views is some of us that read it but just have no words for that particular post. Then another sayyyy 150 for when some of us reread it to see comments...that does not add up to 1600 views.

And PP was right, it is disgusting and I hope that they only know our pain through these posts b/c the alternative is not a life that you really want to know about. I agree with Heather.

jbranden12 · October 2012

Heatherhah:
I know people lurk to maybe feel like their lives aren't as bad as ours or somethign like that but sometimes I feel like a freak show in my normal life. With losing our DD so late in pregnancy my relationships with some have changed and now being pregnant with my rainbow everyone expects certain feelings from me that I just don't have.

Heather I know you weren't starting drama! I don't think your post will keep lurkers who need our board for support away by any means.

I completely understand feeling like a freak show in real life and how that could seep through to the board. People don't know how to act around me, and they really don't know how to act around me now that I am expecting our rainbow as well. Though I have been quite open about our loss, some people don't understand what happened with Patricia or the fears I have about this pregnancy. They don't understand how a perfectly healthy baby can just die with no explanation whatsoever. I don't understand it either!

((hugs)) to you!

Heatherhah · October 2012

Thank you potter!! I just love you!!!!

bambina15 · October 2012

Hi! I am one of those lurkers. I have several reason why i dont post, one of them is the fact that english is not my firts language and sometimes i cant express my self well in writing. 2nd, I lost my baby girl many years ago at the result of a multiple pregnancy and incompetent cervix but the drs were able to save the second baby.

Most of the people around me expect me to be over the grief and pain of losing the baby but i cant, i cry every day and mourn her like it was yesterday.

I read the board everyday because i identify myself with the loss Moms and makes me feel part of the community even when you guys dont know me.

This is my very 1st post on any internet community so hopefully i did it right and dont offend anybody.

Heatherhah · October 2012

bambina15-- Please come to our board we hate to welcome new loss moms but we are all here for one another. I joined this board last year when the board first started for loss. Please come here if you ever need help with anything. We are all here for you!!! I am so sorry for your loss!!!

Heather

OSUWifey09 · October 2012

I also lurked for a little bit before I started posting. I agree with those who said that some probably just come by because they can't look away - what we've been through is something you wouldn't wish on anyone else.

For those who lurk, please feel free to chime in. This community has really helped me feel not so alone as I've dealt with losing Devon, and I hope that you all feel that way too. But it's nice to have more people chat with us, too.

Heatherhah · October 2012

JNL$LSM- I didn't really mean to seem like I was offended that wasn't my intent. I hope others don't feel that way. I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. If you ever need us please stop by we truly are all here for each other.

BronwynJaede · October 2012

My son was stillborn. In this country, a child is stillborn every 20 minutes. That comes out to 72 new loss mothers and 72 loss fathers every single day. Add to that the grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc and unfortunately the "loss community" in the real world is huge. So the number of "lurkers" here doesn't surprise me. Not everyone is ready to talk about it, in the real world or online. Maybe they get all the support they need from reading posts here. Maybe reading them will one day help them to talk about their own loss. I don't post all that often, but do read every post.

buggirl72 · October 2012

I think it is a mix. From some of the replies, we have mom's who just are not comfortable with posting. To those moms: I am so sorry for your losses. I think I can say for every member of this board, please keep reading and post when you are ready. No one here is offended by you "lurking". I think the concern is people who have not experienced a loss and just come to look our of morbid curiosity. There is nothing we can do about those people and as a PP said, hopefully these postings will help educate them.

TwinkieFiend · October 2012

Ticker warning .............................................

"I guess I'm the odd one out in that I don't really mind if people lurk. This is just one more way I spread awareness. I don't imagine the curious randoms lurking so they can laugh and point at us. Some of them might do it to make themselves feel thankful for what they have. Maybe it's morbid, but even that doesn't really bother me. It bothers me WAY more when people ignore the possibility."

I realize that all of you would rather have your precious children than for them to be a lesson to others, but your stories do actually help in spreading awareness. I'll admit that I originally lurked out of curiosity, but in honesty I lurk in plenty of boards where my situation isn't relevant. I'm a single parent and face struggles with that (though of course I would pick the difficulties of that a million times over than the struggles of the ladies on this board), but I find it keeps things in perspective to consider the situation of other parents out there - loss mommies, blended families, military families, LGBT families, adoption, etc. I've also learned things from mommies on this board that have helped me to be even more dilligent as a parent and how to address the situation when faced with loss in other families.

Lastly, now that I "know" some of your stories, I can't help but follow and be happy when I see your rainbow babies and the positives you all are able to experience after your loss. If anyone here is familiar with Courtney and Tripp's site, it's rather the same. I stumbled upon it while on the bump, and I still follow Courtney's story, even though Tripp has gone to heaven. I'm rooting for her, praying for her, and enjoy when I see she has positive experiences. When I see an angelversary post here, I also pray for your LOs. I don't post messages to make you aware; I know I'm not a member of this board. But your LOs are still getting my prayers, even though you didn't know it before. Maybe the other lurkers are sending up their prayers for your babies as well.

I certainly hope my reply hasn't offended, but I was hoping to shed some light on this subject. I can't speak for every lurker, but that's why I'm a "lurker seriously".

MSUMamaof2 · October 2012

I lurk because honestly, I just don't know what to say yet. Most days I still sit back and think, holy hell, did we really just deliver our daughter, hand her off to a nurse, and watch her body leave us forever? Did we really just get told we can't have any more children? Did my husband really just get his vasectomy? Did I really feel the last kicks and impending joy of pregnancy that I will ever have? Then I start to post and look down at my siggy. It would never be my intention to come on to a board and make people feel uncomfortable looking at a picture of my boys. On the other hand, am I really going to have to "warn" people with every post I make? I already feel lousy about having experienced my loss. I don't know if I can deal with feeling lousy for having the children that I have.

I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Again, not my intention. I read the posts and think geez, I'd really like to fit in here. But I just don't know.

pb127 · October 2012

MSUMamaof2:
I lurk because honestly, I just don't know what to say yet. Most days I still sit back and think, holy hell, did we really just deliver our daughter, hand her off to a nurse, and watch her body leave us forever? Did we really just get told we can't have any more children? Did my husband really just get his vasectomy? Did I really feel the last kicks and impending joy of pregnancy that I will ever have? Then I start to post and look down at my siggy. It would never be my intention to come on to a board and make people feel uncomfortable looking at a picture of my boys. On the other hand, am I really going to have to "warn" people with every post I make? I already feel lousy about having experienced my loss. I don't know if I can deal with feeling lousy for having the children that I have.
I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Again, not my intention. I read the posts and think geez, I'd really like to fit in here. But I just don't know.

i just wanted to pop in and tell you that we had all agreed when the board started that warnings for fellow late loss mamas aren't required, if I recall correctly. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Post when youre ready, you are among friends. ((Hugs))

MSUMamaof2 · October 2012

pb127:
MSUMamaof2:
I lurk because honestly, I just don't know what to say yet. Most days I still sit back and think, holy hell, did we really just deliver our daughter, hand her off to a nurse, and watch her body leave us forever? Did we really just get told we can't have any more children? Did my husband really just get his vasectomy? Did I really feel the last kicks and impending joy of pregnancy that I will ever have? Then I start to post and look down at my siggy. It would never be my intention to come on to a board and make people feel uncomfortable looking at a picture of my boys. On the other hand, am I really going to have to "warn" people with every post I make? I already feel lousy about having experienced my loss. I don't know if I can deal with feeling lousy for having the children that I have.
I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Again, not my intention. I read the posts and think geez, I'd really like to fit in here. But I just don't know.
i just wanted to pop in and tell you that we had all agreed when the board started that warnings for fellow late loss mamas aren't required, if I recall correctly. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Post when youre ready, you are among friends. ((Hugs))

Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it. It's hard to feel like you fit in anywhere when you've experienced a pregnancy loss. I mean, life is going on over here. My boys need me and we are moving forward. But I still want to talk about my daughter. I want to talk about how she changed my life. And people around me really just don't want to.

Lorange-8 · October 2012

Picture warning

I lurk to follow stories but don't post much. I never introduced myself. We lost our daughter Farrah at almost 20 weeks due to IC and almost lost our daughter Zoe because she was born at 23 weeks.

Heatherhah · October 2012

Ladies I am so sorry for all of your losses. I do hope in time you can join us and feel comfort on our board. Again I wasn;t trying to offend just wondering why there were so many views on some posts that is really it. I know people lurk it is normal. I just hope that some of the lurkers who can join us do someday. We try to help each other in everything we do.

jbranden12 · October 2012

pb127:
MSUMamaof2:
I lurk because honestly, I just don't know what to say yet. Most days I still sit back and think, holy hell, did we really just deliver our daughter, hand her off to a nurse, and watch her body leave us forever? Did we really just get told we can't have any more children? Did my husband really just get his vasectomy? Did I really feel the last kicks and impending joy of pregnancy that I will ever have? Then I start to post and look down at my siggy. It would never be my intention to come on to a board and make people feel uncomfortable looking at a picture of my boys. On the other hand, am I really going to have to "warn" people with every post I make? I already feel lousy about having experienced my loss. I don't know if I can deal with feeling lousy for having the children that I have.
I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Again, not my intention. I read the posts and think geez, I'd really like to fit in here. But I just don't know.
i just wanted to pop in and tell you that we had all agreed when the board started that warnings for fellow late loss mamas aren't required, if I recall correctly. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Post when youre ready, you are among friends. ((Hugs))

Exactly what pb said! I usually do a ticker warning when posting on intros because some of our newest moms are still very raw, but we have a general policy of not requiring them. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and hope we can be a place for you to share your daughter's life!

jbranden12 · October 2012

Lorange-8:
Picture warning I lurk to follow stories but don't post much. I never introduced myself. We lost our daughter Farrah at almost 20 weeks due to IC and almost lost our daughter Zoe because she was born at 23 weeks.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Farrah. Your Zoe is such a beautiful, precious miracle!

tinyhouse · October 2012

Warning....pg mentioned.

First I just want to say how incredibly sorry I am for all of your losses.

I think you would probably consider me a lurker because I've been reading posts for about the last week and this is my first post here. I came to this board because I learned, last Friday, that my good friend lost her baby on October 14 at 34 weeks. I've been on this board and reading lots of posts to try to figure out the best way to be a supportive friend. It's been hard because I'm expecting as well and we were so looking forward to having our babies so close in age. I emailed her a poem that someone had posted on this board the other day and she called me yesterday (the first time we have actually talked since her loss) to say how much she appreciated the poem and was finally able to tell me everything that happened. Thank you for that.

I've taken all of what you ladies have had to say in the way of being supportive to heart. I want to thank you all for being there not just for each other in your losses but for those of us who are trying to be supportive to our own loved ones who have experienced this tragic loss.

nuttycoconut · October 2012

I lurked for about a year when my dear friend lost her baby girl at 26 weeks. This board helped me understand her feelings and how to be there for her when everyone else went on with their lives. I sent her gifts, remembered her due date and daughter's angelversary, gave her ideas on how to "celebrate", etc. She said I was the most supportive person in her life during that time.

And then...it happened to me too. So, I introduced myself. But I can see why people may not introduce themselves. I lurked on the knot when I was planning my wedding but felt nervous about posting because so many of my friends were on there and I wanted my privacy. Now I just don't care. I have kind of went back to lurking because the PGAL emotions are intense and I'm trying to pretend I'm having a "normal" pregnancy and stay calm about everything which is easier said than done. But I still check in every few days when I'm feeling strong to see if I can help anyone.

For all of you new loss moms or moms who haven't introduced yourselves yet, please do. I don't know how I would have gotten through the darkest time of my life without this community. This board truly was better than any therapy/support group out there. And I'm so sorry for your losses.

bambina15 · October 2012

Heather, thank you for your kind words! hopefully soon i will feel comfortable enough to share my story and give you guys the support we all need. For now i hope you guys dont mind that i keep lurking here. I have suffer in silence for many, many years and never got the professional help i probrably needed but one day hopefully soon i will get. Thank you!!

blush64 · October 2012

I lurk here sometimes. I had a few early losses but one later loss. (23 weeks but almost 24) The situation that happened is something I am not ready to talk about and it's only recently that I have openly admitted to any of the losses. I lurk sometimes and post extremely rarely here.

I may look at a post and not reply if I don't feel I can be helpful. There are probably others like me who just aren't ready to talk about what exactly happened. I may never be ready to share what happened with anyone other than my husband. Other than doctors and nurses he is the only one who knows everything. But sometimes reading positive replies and encouragement can help, even when it's meant for others.

I don't feel like I quite fit in competely here but i don't feel that I fit in completely on the Miscarriage/pregnancy loss board either.

EDIT Just wanted to say, some of us have suffered our own losses but aren't in a place to talk about details and might not know what to say to others sometimes.

EDIT I just read through the whole post. I think it was a fair question to ask why so many lurkers. I just wanted to explain my reason for being here sometimes.

JabberJay · October 2012

I also lurk almost daily, but it is a pain to post from the iPad and I hate the mobile site, so I usually only respond if I feel really called to do so. Beyond that, I am struggling myself (DS should have turned one last week) and rit or wrong, sometimes feel like being too immersed in the board keeps me from moving on in the way I need to (if that makes sense).

MeggM1 · October 2012

I feel like I have lurked on this board since the beginning, since it was made after the loss of my daughter, and at one point posted pretty regularly. I agree that it's an extremely helpful place and one that I wish I fit in better.

About every three months around the anniversary of our twins' birth and my daughter's loss, I go to a really dark place. Aside from the loss of my daughter, the second greatest tragedy over the last 18 months has been the loss of our family and friends that have basically backed out of our lives, not knowing what to say. I feel completely without a support system most of the time, simply because our immediate families would rather say nothing than something about our daughter, and it's made me my worst self. About three months ago this board triggered something in me, because it seems like every page there are 2-3 people who post a "What can I do for my family/friend/whatever" and that post wouldn't be necessary if they truly lurked here, and read the links at the top. The seemingly drive-by posting (and they always seem to have pregnancy tickers), and the fact that I'm probably jealous, as horrible as it sounds, that there are loss moms who have family that do care enough to seek out some help as to what to do set me off, and I realized I needed to either find a private board with just other loss moms, or reach out more to what little IRL support system I do have. It isn't these people who post's fault - this is a public message board, and while this board has etiquette that doesn't stop anyone from posting.

I want to jump back in, but for some reason just haven't been able to. And like an above poster said, being PGAL, sometimes I just need to mentally remove myself so that I can be in a better place for this pregnancy. There are just a lot of complicated feelings.

The lurkers who aren't someone who have lost their own child, but read here and say prayers for our angels and learn by reading all of the posts and following the etiquette - I truly appreciate that. That is so empathetic of you and despite saying that "drive-by" postings bother me, the posts specifically from lurkers in this thread have been really touching. And to that end, even though I'd classify myself as a lurker too, I genuinely care for the loss moms of this board and theri babies.

Long story short - I find myself being very bitter and angry sometimes, and when that's all I have to say I don't want to memorialize it on the internet, because I deeply regretted going off a couple of months ago. I hope to find some strength to positively support other women and contribute to the board someday.

KKSBeans · October 2012

I will admit my lurking and the reasons.

I have known many people IRL that have suffered losses, including my cousin. I wanted to be able to understand the etiquette because I would NEVER want to offend or hurt anyone, especially in such a sensitive situation.

Also, once I was here I noticed a few women I recognized from my BMB. Women who's posts I followed regularly, but did not know where they went.

Then once I started lurking over here for those reasons I, like a PP said, got invested in you and your angels and cheering for rainbow babies.

I hope I haven't offended anyone and I promise I was not here for morbid curiosity.

tidetraveljs · October 2012

I'll come out of lurkdom to tell you my story. I have been an active member of TK for years and on and off the bump for various things. I did create an AE because I didn't want to hurt anyone with the tickers and pics in my siggy.

I have a 3 yo daughter and 18 month old twins. Four months after my twins were born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Looking back on it, it was more severe than I thought that it was at the time. I don't know if any of you have experienced PPD, but for me, it manifested with extreme, irrational anger and eventually, depression. The thing was that I felt these extreme emotions, but in my head, I knew that it was just the PPD. I came to the PPD board on thebump, but it was dead, and for the most part, still is. At first, I did start looking here, and at blogs marked with tradgedy (Tripp's blog was mentioned and I followed, and continue to follow his story) as a way to remind myself that as bad as things were, I still had healthy children to go home to and that I should be thankful for that. And I knew that it was probably morbid (I certainly didn't tell anyone I was following those stories) But, it did help to keep me centered. It also had the unexpected result of giving me an outlet for all of the crazy, unexplained feelings. I started to follow your stories, and I cried with you when you were upset. I screamed with you when you were angry. And I celebrated with you when you announced your rainbow pregnancies and births.

I was medicated shortly thereafter and the PPD was under control after about 6 months, but at that point, I felt like I "knew" your stories, and in a way, I "knew" you. I know the mommies on this board by your avatar. I know the names of your babies. I think of myself as a silent cheerleader; I light candles on your anniversaries and angelversaries and say prayers for you and your angels in silence at home because I cannot say them to your face (I know that probably sounds creepy, and I hope that it's not.)

Mostly, I'm left in awe of the community here, and the strength of you all. I wish there was that much support for me when I needed it, but I found it here, through you. So thank you all for that.

Contrary to how you may feel, I don't believe that you are thebump's zoo. I think there are just a lot of mommies out there that are hurting and come here to find strength, in whatever form they can.

KateLouise · October 2012

Siggy Warning

I lurked to begin with because of friends and family who have experienced loss. Particularly my mother who lost her baby at 34 weeks but never saw the baby and is unsure if it was a boy or girl. She was of a generation where it was, "all best forgotten." 50 yrs later it is a source of grief that she was never given the tools or resources to deal with. It wasn't until I was a mother myself that I was able to really think about what this kind of loss means to someone. Rightly or wrongly, it is on mind often.

Like pp I got invested in your stories. I have thought about your babies, and at times have read some of your blogs. I've learnt about conditions I was unaware of, and looked at the beautiful faces of beautiful babies.

I have asked for advice here and been thankful for it. It didn't occur to me that my lurking was intrusive. But I can see how this is a "private" space for those who belong here, so I'm sorry for having made people uncomfortable.

ktnicole · October 2012

Siggy warning...

I lurk, because I feel guilty for never recognizing my childs life. I loss my first child May 10, 2011. We were about 13 weeks. I never knew if my child was a boy or girl, and told very few people. I threw myself into my career to avoid feeling anything at all. We had a massive tornado (Joplin Missouri) on May 22nd while I was trying to get past this, I used it as an excuse to not think. I still feel guilty that I didn't take enough time to recognize and honor my child. I should have memorialized her somehow. Even as I write that, that is the first time that I have admitted what sex I believed her to be. I feel guilty that Lexie will never know of her older sibling because I have nothing to remember her by. I'm thankful for what I have now but wish I had been strong enough to grieve as I should have. This is why I lurk, hope I haven't offended any of you ladies. You certainly don't deserve that.

kittyh8r · October 2012

Siggy and picture warning...

I lurk because I have a couple friends who have lost babies late in pregnancy and this board helps me understand their grief. I cry when I read your stories and though I have never had such a loss, it helps me appreciate what I have.

I am so sorry for all the loss on this board. I just want you to know that it's most likely not people with morbid curiosity, but most likely people who don't feel comfortable joining in on the discussion, or others like me.

I hope you don't feel that I am morbid.

ally2011 · October 2012

blush64:
I lurk here sometimes. I had a few early losses but one later loss. (23 weeks but almost 24) The situation that happened is something I am not ready to talk about and it's only recently that I have openly admitted to any of the losses. I lurk sometimes and post extremely rarely here.

I may look at a post and not reply if I don't feel I can be helpful. There are probably others like me who just aren't ready to talk about what exactly happened. I may never be ready to share what happened with anyone other than my husband. Other than doctors and nurses he is the only one who knows everything. But sometimes reading positive replies and encouragement can help, even when it's meant for others.

I don't feel like I quite fit in competely here but i don't feel that I fit in completely on the Miscarriage/pregnancy loss board either.

EDIT Just wanted to say, some of us have suffered our own losses but aren't in a place to talk about details and might not know what to say to others sometimes.

EDIT I just read through the whole post. I think it was a fair question to ask why so many lurkers. I just wanted to explain my reason for being here sometimes.

I just wanted to say that whatever your situation, there is in all likelihood someone here who has experience it, or something similar. We have had moms who have chosen to deliver early when faced with a fatal diagnosis, moms who have carried to term when faced with the same, moms with PTL, moms with cord accidents, babies with genetic problems, placental issues, etc....there is no end to the heartbreaking situations that our loss moms here have faced. You are among friends and sometimes it can help to get it out, so if you ever need to, we are here for you, whatever your situation.

Hugs,

Jenn

Crystal318 · November 2012

********pic & siggy warning********

I am not quite sure how to explain what I am about to try to say so here goes.....

First and foremost, I am truly sorry for the losses you have experienced. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

I do lurk here on occasion and I have not lost a child. I would like to explain my reason for lurking and I hope and pray that I do not offend anyone in any way.

I am about to explain why I lurk and the details of my sons birth.

I have lurked here ever since my son was born on Oct 14th 2010. He was born very sick. He was taken by emergency c-section at 41 weeks after three days of labor. He was not breathing for 7 minutes when he was born. I woke up in recovery and was told that the NICU team was upstairs working on him and that he was not breathing when he was born. I waited in recovery for hours before anyone would tell me anything. I just knew that they were going to come tell me he was gone. The video shows the doctor take off his stethoscope and the other doctor came around to shut off the heat lamp above him. They were done trying to save him. There was one doctor who stuck by him and continued to manually pump him with oxygen. He had the cord around his neck, a collapsed right lung, severe meconium aspiration syndrome, he was positive for Group B Strep (although I was negative), he suffered from severe edema, he was treated for meningitis. He did not have a suck or swallow reflex, he was put on a cooling blanket for a 72 hour period to slow his brain damage from the lack of oxygen. They told me he may not make it, that he may be blind, deaf, have developmental disorders, cerebral palsy, etc. He was hooked to breathing tubes, feeding tubes, monitors, a tube in his lung, a tube in his belly button, a PICC line in his foot. I remember holding him in the NICU and watching the monitors plummet and the alarms sound, I remember watching him choke on the feeding tube as the nurse shoved it up his nose and down his throat. I remember when I was in my hospital room; every time the phone rang I thought it was the NICU calling to tell me that he didn?t make it.

I know that my experience is nothing compared to anyone who has lost a child. I know that no experience can even come close to helping me even fathom for a minute the pain you feel from the loss of your sweet angel. There is no comparison and I would never want anyone to even think for a minute that is what I am trying to say.

I feel like I came so close to losing him that I feel like I need to mourn for others and their loss. Almost maybe guilty in a way. When I read about your precious little ones, I cry for you, I pray for you, I smile with you. I can?t feel your pain but I can feel compassion. I truly hope that this is not taken the wrong way at all. I don?t know what you guys are going through and I will never to try claim that I even have the slightest idea. Maybe is it not so much the loss part that I identify with but watching your precious infant have to fight a battle. Not many parents can understand those emotions, thankfully, of course. Those are the emotions I feel and I don?t know where else to turn to/who else to identify with when it comes to that part and that part only.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you and I hope I was able to give you a better understanding as to why I do lurk here sometimes.

********pic & siggy warning*******

Lurkers seriously!!

Re: Lurkers seriously!!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards