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October 2011 Moms
Is MH an alcoholic?
I know this board likes to drink but I'm looking for some help. This is something I'm struggling with right now but not something I feel comfortable discussing with my family or real life friends. It's not really anything new, but MH has always been a drinker. He loves Jack Daniels and usually has a "couple" of Jack n Cokes most nights (he makse them really strong). On the weekends if we're home around the house, he'll have a few more. Every couple of weeks, he ends up having a night where he drinks too much and gets sick. He always says "oh I just had a couple..." but I don't actually know how much he drinks and we seem to go through an awful lot of Jack. I've tried to discuss it with him multiple times, and he gets very defensive and insists that there's no problem -- he just enjoys Jack, and he says it helps him to relax at home. I've asked him not to drink if he's home alone watching G, but 2 weekends ago I was out running errands all day and when I came home he was drunk. What if G got hurt or needed something? What if MH had to drive?
Other times that I've tried to bring it up with him we just get into a big fight. I also need to point out that his father is a full blown (functional) alcoholic. My FIL goes to work, comes home and has a bunch of beers, and goes to sleep every day. On the weekends he cracks open a beer first thing in the morning. MH and I have been together for 7 years, and it took him until the last year or two to admit / agree with me that his dad has a problem. His parents divorced about 12 years ago and my FIL does nothing but drink since then, I think he's depressed, and never moved on from the divorce.
Anyways, I'm not sure what to do or if it's even a problem. MH is still mostly ok -- he's usually calm when he drinks, not belligerant or anything, although sometimes he gets a tad mean. He takes care of a ton of things around the house, he's great with G, he manages the bills, does great with his job. I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that he drinks almost every day and can't seem to not drink even if I ask him to. But he doesn't see any problem. Is there a problem? Is it bordering on a problem? I don't drink so I don't know if I'm just overreacting. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? Thanks ladies.
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Re: Is MH an alcoholic?
First of all, I'm not a therapist or an alcohol counselor but my opinion is that "having a couple" becomes a problem when those drinks make it difficult to function or complete your everyday tasks.
I think watching your LO drunk falls under that category. Maybe he isn't an alcoholic. Maybe he just has some self control issues. Either way, like you said, being drunk when he is responsible for LO is unacceptable. I think any future talks you have should come from that point of view.
Burned by the Bear
I'm sorry I do not have any advice, but I just wanted to send hugs your way. I grew up with an alcoholic father and step-father and so I know what booze can do to a family. Unfortunately, my brother followed in my father's foot steps and he is an alcoholic. It's a vicious cycle. Your concerns are valid and I do NOT think you are overreating!
I think it is a problem. Drinking liquor every day is not a healthy practice. You mentioned you have asked him not to drink certain times and he still does, even while alone with your child. The fact that he has family history of alcoholism is a red flag too.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, especially since you don't drink and don't necessarily understand the effects of alcohol on a person. I sincerely hope you can get him help before it gets worse or something awful happens. GL! And hugs!
This. There should be no issue with him not drinking when alone with G, when you've specifically asked him to do this for safety purposes. If he can't avoid having a drink for a few hours for his child's safety and his wife's peace of mind, that's a major red flag to me, and you said he was drunk not just that he had a drink. It also worries me that you say he can sometimes get "mean" when he's drunk. I think you need to have a serious (sober) talk with him. Maybe even track how much Jack disappears in a week so he gets a real sense of how much he's drinking. Good luck.
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If he's drinking every day (even when he's alone with his child) and regularly drinking to the point that he gets sick, I would consider him an alcoholic.
In my opinion, alcohol becomes a problem when its commanding too much of your attention. When you're on your way to a party, are you thinking about the friends you'll see or the drinks you'll have? When you're on your way home, are you thinking about getting to your family or getting to your Jack and coke? Do you insist that you need a drink even in situations where it might make others uncomfortable? If it becomes a main focus/priority in your life, that's a big problem as far as I'm concerned.
ITA with all of this, especially the bolded.
I don't necessarily think that having a couple drinks every day makes someone an alcoholic, but as Super said (I think is was her, sorry if I'm misquoting) if he can't not drink when you ask him to, then yes, it's a problem. Since he doesn't seem to realize he has a problem, that makes it a lot tougher for him to get help, because according to him, he doesn't need it.
I'm not really sure what I'd do if I were in your shoes, but I do know that there would be no way in h3ll I'd let him watch my LO. GL and please keep us updated :-)
You already know that he does have a problem. I believe that he is an alcoholic. We have some friends that are like this, but they can always go through a dry spell if needed. However, this one friend is totally like this (but with vodka). He'll tell his wife that he won't drink, then he'll go sneak it at a friends house. He's been able to cut back to beer and wine for a time, but he always goes back to hard liquor. I'm surprised that they are still married.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. It seems like he is a functioning alcoholic, but someone who does have a problem.
I am a therapist/alcohol counselor. I agree with PP, if he can't not drink and is potentially putting your child in danger he has a problem. Alcoholic, selfish, lack of self control, you can call it whatever you want, but it obviously concerns you enough that you have brought it to his attn several times. I agree finding an ALANON or some other support group is a good start. GL and hugs.
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OCT 2011 Moms BlogI actually am a certified Alcohol and Other Drug Counselor. I definitely see that he has a problem and probably is dependent on alcohol. The problem is going to be to get him some help. If he can't see it then talking to him about it is probably not going to do any good. Many people have to wait to hit rock bottom before they are willing to change. My recommendation would be that you seek counseling with a person that would also do couples counseling and that may also do addictions if you have dual certified counselors in your area. I would go by myself a couple of times and then see if he would join you in the sessions later on.
One of my main concerns is him watching G while he is drinking. I would ask him that if there is any kind of emergency that happens to please call 911 instead of driving for both of their safety. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I hope this helps. If you ever want to talk about this further you can PM me at anytime.
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Everyone else gave you answers and advice, so you don't need any more from me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope something gets worked out and he can start admitting his problem.
(((hugs)))
My father was an alcoholic and he died at 48, I still have issues stemming from my childhood even though I had counseling. Please do what you have in your power to do for your child, it is a vicious cycle of embarrassment, guilt, pain, and shame to grow up with an alcoholic parent and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hugs.