"S/he looks just like you!"

msditz00 · October 2012

Those who have adopted already - does this comment bother you (when coming from strangers who don't know your situation)? DH and I were just discussing this.

I don't think it would bother me, but I can see how it might - for instance if we get hispanic children, when both of us are quite obviously pasty white. If you felt like the person was just fishing for more information (such as the person thinking, "is she the mom, is he the dad, is the kid adopted") I could see why you might get upset.

Just wondering other people's experiences with this comment. Thought it might make for an interesting discussion.

Through one of my jobs, I knew a family where one child was biological, the other two were adopted (one domestic, one international). The whole family was very open about how all of the children came to the family, so by no means were they upset about people asking questions. But the mom told me about one lady who was really annoying her for various reasons, and then the lady said, "None of your children really look alike." The mom replied, "Well they shouldn't, they all have differerent dads!" and walked away. She said the look on that lady's face was priceless.

steph196 · October 2012

We get that all the time! Everyone always says that she looks just like my husband. I actually love it! I think that if we got that comment and she was biological, it would make me sad that no one was saying that she looked like me. Since she has none of our DNA, it's great that people think she looks like DH!

breathlessbride · October 2012

My DH & I have one daughter biologically and I lurk on this board because a few of my friends are going through the adoption process. My daughter looks NOTHING LIKE ME and I gave birth to her :-p People, even strangers, tell me all the time that she looks nothing like me.

It used to kinda upset me, but people just say dumb things. I just wanted to chime in on this post that it doesn't matter how a family was made or what it looks like!

MagickalNarwhal · October 2012

Random strangers have never said this to me, but I don't think it would bother me. It does bug me when people who know he's adopted say this though. It's not true AT ALL and I think they are trying to weirdly reassure me that I'm really my sons mom. Well duh! :

Twirple · October 2012

I mostly lurk, though I have always wanted to adopt. We have one Bio son who looks like a clone of DH, yet nothing like me. Even people who have only met us once take one look at Chase and say "He looks just like his daddy!" If they're annoying me, I'll say "Yep, I didn't cheat."

Julie721 · October 2012

MagickalNarwhal:
Random strangers have never said this to me, but I don't think it would bother me. It does bug me when people who know he's adopted say this though. It's not true AT ALL and I think they are trying to weirdly reassure me that I'm really my sons mom. Well duh! :

This. Exactly.

MayDayGirl · October 2012

Dd is black so people never say this persay, but even friends from this board say how much my kids, one white/bio, one aa/adopted, look alike and I LOVE it!! They do look alike because they have the same parents, so they make my faces and expressions. It just reminds me truly how much we are a family, and naturally we start to look like each other.

Our foster daughter is white and actually looks like ds, blonde, pale... And it would never bother me if people said they looked alike, unless I thought it would bother dd.

Make sense?

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

It never bothers me. To be honest, there are many moments I look at DD and see my baby pictures looking back at me. Since most people don't know she was adopted, I can't imagine why it would bother me.

I have had many friends who adopted (some transracially) who get that comment all the time. It hasn't bothered anyone I've talked to.

irismorning · October 2012

I just say thank you and move on. I think that sometimes poeple just do not know what to say. Also as a PP mentioned, your children WILL begin (as all children do) to look like you at particular times. Different expressions and gestures are copied from the parents and are incorporated into a child's repertoire. Sometimes this is more noticable than the fact that a child does/does not physically look like a parent.

kekis · October 2012

Our daughter is only 6 weeks old, but I've already heard it and love it! I think God gives us our babies even though they were born through other parents - no matter the race, coloring, etc.

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

toothpastechica:

I was adopted and growing up it bothered me a lot, to this day everyone says I am the splitting image of my mom (which I'm not). It doesn't bother me anymore but it did a LOT when I was a kid/teenager.

Thanks for your perspective. Just curious as to why it bothered you. Was it because you just couldn't see it, the way people said it, etc.?

Mom2aBoy · October 2012

Lurker here. I come to this board to read about adoption because as a child I was adopted and have so much love and admiration for people who are willing to adopt children and give them a great life.

Everyone tells me I look identical to my adoptive father. I actually love it! I was adopted when I was 6 and as a kid I never really felt like I was a part of their family (they have two biological children) until someone told me I looked like my dad. They said, "wow you must be Keith's daughter, you look just like him" and without missing a beat my dad says, "Yup, she's all mine".

jillianmb · October 2012

It wouldn't bother me coming from a stranger, but tons of people we know have all exclaimed how DS looked just like my DH. He doesn't at all! Totally different coloring, bone structure etc. I think it is so weird that they say it and I don't get it! One person even said to me, "You must have picked your son because he looks just like your husband!" Um, no. Picking a child who looks like us was not even close to being a consideration.

CaptainSerious · October 2012

No one's ever said this about us, and if they did, it would be a bold-faced lie (especially about my husband). That being said, people do often assume I'm their biological mother and speak Spanish to me or can't understand why I'm not fluent in Spanish. Depending on my mood and the situation, I either let it go or correct them.

I am olive skinned, with dark hair and eyes, and especially in the summer, could "pass" as Latina.

msditz00 · October 2012

Thanks everyone for answering. It is very interesting to hear things from those who have adopted and those who were adopted.

annalisel · October 2012

msditz00:
Thanks everyone for answering. It is very interesting to hear things from those who have adopted and those who were adopted.

Thank you from me too, especially hearing from those who were adopted.

orangecupcake · October 2012

steph196:
We get that all the time! Everyone always says that she looks just like my husband. I actually love it! I think that if we got that comment and she was biological, it would make me sad that no one was saying that she looked like me. Since she has none of our DNA, it's great that people think she looks like DH!

This.

DD has white blonde hair and blue eyes. I have dark brown eyes and hair. People ask me all the time "where did she get her ______" I just reply "not from me!" Usually people laugh and it ends the conversation. Sometimes I also say that I was a blondie as a child (which I was).

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

I will add that, when people who DO know we adopted DD say she looks like me, they always apologize. Like they're worried I'll be offended or upset by it.

irismorning · October 2012

toothpastechica:

I was adopted and growing up it bothered me a lot,

I was also adopted and I loved hearing that from people. Can I ask why you think that it bothered you so much?

I do hate the "are your boys REAL brothers" as well. Especially when I reply "Yes, they are real brothers." and then the nosy person comes back with, "well, you know what I mean, are they real, real brothers. Like do they have the same mom.". YES, it's me. I understand that in many cases that people are just curious, but this one gets under my skin.

Mom2aBoy · October 2012

I HATE the phrase "real brother/sister". No, I'm a freaking puppet. Of course I am real.

hoopduck · October 2012

Yeah I hate that phrase 'real' as well. I was also adopted and a few times people have said, "Oh so those aren't your 'real' parents or brother?" Uh...yes they sure are, thanks for being so rude. They aren't imaginary, they raised me, they are 100% real! My brother and I were often compared to each other growing up as looking alike and it never bothered me. It made it a lot easier when nosy people came sniffing around for gossip. Small school - small minded people. I remember being forced to tell our entire class I was adopted during this 'spotlight' presentation. Every kid had to bring in pictures, family tree, hospital they were born at, time they were born at, birthdays of siblings and yourself yadda yadda to post on a big bulletin board. They caught on right away to the fact that we were under 9 months apart. They were interested and nice but of course...news that we were adopted got around in a flash and my poor bro denied the whole thing. He didn't want anyone to know, and believe me it was awkward and kids can be mean. I think both of us would have been more comfortable not being put in the 'spotlight' for sure. Looking alike was actually a blessing

thediarywithin · October 2012

I can give you another view on this issue. I have three older siblings who were adopted in my family when they were 3, 4, 5. They were a sib set so they are all related. I was born to our mom when the youngest was seven. When my mom talks to someone about having adopted some of her kids. There are two things. That the older two are adopted and the me and the other sister who is younger are biological. That's because the older two look so much a like and me and the sister who right above me in age look similar. Or they take one look at the names, James and Christy, and think that they are biological. Then myself (Kendra) and my sister (Necia) are adopted because we have an African American name. Which we are both white.

It was hard growing up because I always felt out of the loop. Being seven years younger then them and being the only one that is biological. So when people tell me that I look like my sister it bothered me. But when one of my sister's had her daughter she looked almost identical to me when I was a baby. My sister was in shock at the fact that how similar she looked liked me. Now, I have my own daughter and she looks more like my nieces and nephews on my side then my husbands.

So as a kid it bothered me being said, "Oh you guys look so much a like." Then it does as an adult.

sourpatchkids · October 2012

I have said that before. I know of two families, one with twin boys from the Ukraine who look very similar to their adoptive parents and another family with a little boy who they fostered to adopt. The boy looks just like their two older children, so of course I've said so.

However, I've never told someone their children look just like them when they really don't.

sh4602 · October 2012

my son looks just like my dad love it.

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